All comics by Chicken_Corner

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by Chicken_Corner
7-04-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
WRITE A LETTER AND CONFESS TO THINGS NOBODY THINKS ARE WRONG ANYWAY.
Like to Santa?
"...relying on what you told us, we are satisfied..."
THE STATE ETHICS BOARD WILL WRITE BACK AND SAY IT'S O.K.
Like Grandma?
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO AFTER THAT, JUST WAVE THAT LETTER.
Oh! Like a Get Out Of Jail Free card!

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-07-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
You got this building by lying?
NO... I JUST KEPT QUIET AT THE RIGHT TIME. THAT'S DIFFERENT.
Like when mom thought Wolfie broke her lamp?
SILENCE IS GOLDEN.
AND WOLFIE ISN'T SUBJECT TO A RECALL ELECTION.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-08-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Your building looks fine to me.
And next month when I resign over my own building code violations your building will still look fine to me.
HOW WILL WE EVER REPLACE YOU?

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-09-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
I'VE LIVED IN CHELMSFORD MY WHOLE LIFE. I WAS A SELECTMAN FOR 12 YEARS.
I WAS THERE WHEN THE FIRE DEPT COMMITTEE WAS FORMED. I READ THE PRESERVATION RESTRICTION.
THERE'S JUST NO WAY I COULD HAVE GUESSED CHELMSFORD WANTED THAT LAND IN THE CENTER NEXT TO THE FIRE STATION.
That's your best defense? Really?

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-09-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
We'd like to expand the fire station into the adjacent lot.
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.
I guess we'll have to move instead. I wish we could have bought it.
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BUY IT BECAUSE YOU'RE MOVING INSTEAD.
Right. Wait, what?
IT'S A LAWYER MIND TRICK, GET USED TO IT.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-10-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
The Fire Department--
PAUL! WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THIS!
Well, uh, ethay irefay epartmentday eedsnay--
LA LA LA, I 'M NOT LISTENING!
...so I guess there's still no way you could know there might be a conflict of interest.
YOU'RE IN GOVERNMENT. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS STUFF ALREADY.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-10-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
They said the world would end on May 21st, the date of the rapture.
Of course they were wrong.
It ends August 2, if politicians are unelected! May God save us!
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-13-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
What happened? Where is everyone?
Am I dead?
This is Chelmsford without our Selectmen. No volunteers, no buildings, no roads, no grass, no air. Nothing but open space.
No school and no lawn mowing?
You're just not getting it.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-13-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
It's important that you vote on August 2nd, no matter how you feel.
Unless you want to recall our Selectmen over that land deal. Then you should vote on April 3rd.
If you're just confused by everything then you should vote on Wednesday, August 3rd.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-14-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Santa isn't real?
Not to athiests.
Easter Bunny isn't real?
Not to Jews.
A contract with "Openspace conservation area and pond for the aesthetic improvement of the town" isn't real?
NOT TO LAWYERS.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-14-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
HELP! EVERYONE HELP ME!
It's kind of ironic, huh? You bought this land and ruined our chance to repair and expand our station here.
Yet here I am, saving your barn-like office building.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW I SCREWED THEM ON THE AMBULANCE DEAL, TOO.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-16-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
DAD, IF I SECRETLY BUY THIS LAND WHILE I'M A SELECTMAN IT WILL LOOK LIKE A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. I CAN'T DO IT.
!
JUST KIDDING. WE'LL BE A MILLION BUCKS RICHER, RIGHT?
That's my boy.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-19-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
I want to thank everyone for coming to our presentation tonight.
How many here have already made up their mind to be against us?
How many are already with us?
Isn't ANYONE undecided?
Oh good, one person. Sir, do you have a question?
You know you're going to hell, right?

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-20-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
In this video clip, Phil is told the town is considering 9 North Rd.
In this video, a plane flies over Phil with a banner that says "honor the preservation restriction".
In this clip, Phil writes "expand existing center fire station into adjacent property" on the chalkboard 50 times.
And here, Phil buys the parcel because he didn't know the town wanted it.
All these videos. Doesn't anyone ever get hit in the nuts?
Worst "Funniest Home Videos" episode ever.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
The intent of the recall isn't to use it when you disagree with their vote.
The intent is to use it only for egregious acts and being convicted of a crime.
What about the Preservation Restriction? The intent was "openspace conservation area".
No, no. You have to look at the letter of the law. Intent means nothing.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
I want to apologize.
For all the aggravation caused by people who disagreed with me snatching that million dollar land while I was a Selectman.
Don't they care about our town?

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
If you're upset about my family getting this large building on premium land, that's okay.
But don't be angry with this board. They didn't do anything.
If they had, I might not have gotten this building.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
It's a shame to see our town's volunteers attacked. We don't get anything for our efforts but grief.
Well, I got a million dollar parcel and office building.
And I get first crack at buying the Emerson House from him.
I feel pretty good, in fact.
Joanne, maybe you're just not volunteering the right way.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
You've heard from me and my guests that Roland is a liar who hates our town and our volunteers.
People who believe him are fools.
I hope after the election they wise up and we can all be friends again.

 

by Chicken_Corner
7-22-11
This doesn't look like a barn to me.
It's not a barn, it's barn-like. The law required it to be barn-like, so lawyers had it declared barn-like.
But barns are red.
Trust me, when people see this building, they see red.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-01-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Tomorrow's the election. Are you worried?
Yes! I've spent $100,000 on this.
If I lose I get nothing.
If I win I get...nothing.

What was I thinking?
Are you worried?
Yes! I've worked day and night on mailings, letters, calls, signs, forums, radio, buttons, tattoos and reigning in little old ladies.

All for our Selectmen.
Are you worried?
ME? NO. THIS ELECTION ISN'T ABOUT ME... OR THE OFFICE I BUILT ON OPEN SPACE.

THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-03-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Your Choose Chelmsford group won the election and stopped the recall. How do you feel?
We're happy that our teamwork paid off to save our selectmen and democracy itself.
The election's over. How do you feel?
It was an enormous loss. I'm referring to the $100K I spent on it, of course.
The election's over. How do you feel?
Am I welcome at town festivals again?

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-08-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Now that the election is over, is Chelmsford reunited?
It's going to be wonderful.
Yes, after I do one more TV show to call out the losers for being idiots.
Yes, after I do one more mailing to call out the winners for being corrupt.
I'm chillin' in my buildin'. This was never about me or my lack of ethics, remember?
Wait, what? Do we still have to live in that condemned building?

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-10-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
I called because the DPW painted a double line on Robin Hill Road. It's dangerous!
Yeah, it was a mistake. As Town Manager I can look into that.
But I won't because I've decided it might be safer. Drive on it and see if you get hurt.
Dick!
I'm so good at my job, even my mistakes are wins.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-12-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
You're calling again?
You told me the road was safer! There have been two accidents including a child in a wheelchair! Stop stalling and do something!
This is urgent! I'll form a committee!

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-16-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Chelmsford ranked #28 in CNN's Best Places To Live. In state only Milton, Sharon and Acton rated better.
Town leaders are making plans to do even better next year.
Let's fine people who don't shovel their sidewalks.
Let's ask Roland to move to Milton.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-21-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
The Chelmsford Town Manager listened to ideas to improve our "Best Places To Live" ranking.
People are dumping leaves from their yards in our public forests! Under trees!
Because that's no way to treat nature?
Chelmsford needs a new compost facility! A mountain of rich warm compost!
Don't you think our town has enough fertilizer?

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-27-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
In the blackness of space, you need a special suit just to breath.
Just to get to the blackness of space, you need a spaceship.
And to bring that blackness back home would require a negatron flux capacitor! It's hugely expensive.
And that's why you can't paint black over the extra street lines you accidentally painted double yellow? Really?

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-28-11
Hurricane Irene knocked out the power. So what? I'm not afraid.
Wha-- Oh, it's just the wind. I'm safe and dry in the cellar.
In a flash of lightning!
Aaaaaaah! Lawyer!
Well, yes, but I'm from your insurance company. We're getting an early start on telling people no.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-29-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Hurricane Irene! Floods! Trees downed! Robot Invasion! Cats and dogs living together!
None of that actually happened. We apologize for hyping the weather again.
Wait! This just in! Corn knocked over at Parlee farm! Could it be crop symbols from aliens? We'll have film at 11.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-29-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Captain's Log, emergency entry. Galactic storm destroyed the warp core. Life support systems failing. Self destruct may be our only option.
Phil, just charge your phone in the truck until they get the power restored.
Captain's Log, supplmental. Crew is approaching mutiny. Evacuation to shuttlecraft may be my only option.
Jerry's already out there.

 

by Chicken_Corner
8-30-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Hurricane Irene is mostly behind us. What can we do better for the next storm?
Step up trimming trees to avoid power outages.
How about an expanded center fire station so we can deploy equipment faster?
Install Facebook terminals in the shelter.

 

by Chicken_Corner
9-02-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Double yellow line! You know what that means?
Plato, what's a chickie run?
Women are still worth 10 points more, teens rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points.
In the last of the V8 Interceptors, the Road Warrior lives off the corpse of the old world.
It's no wonder Chelmsford is in the top 100 US places to live.

 

by Chicken_Corner
9-06-11
HOW STUFF REALLY WORKS
Here's a list of the roads you accidentally painted with a double-yellow line.
Robin Hill Road, High Street, check. I'll get the DPW boys started on Clover Hill and Elm.
Remember they have to look like accidents.
We'll use a contractor at night for the roads, and let George "talk" to the abutters.
NO! no! Wha--
Oh! It was just a dream, it was just a very bad dream.

 

by Chicken_Corner
9-19-11
In Town Manager Cohen's office
Calls! Emails! Meetings! They won't give up about the double yellow lines we painted. It's just paint!
Don't they realize what a trivial issue this is? Why even fight over it? Who even cares?
Voters.
I'm going to have to erase those lines, aren't I?
You think?

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