All comics by Creature_From_Beyond

Profile

 

Wanna see my panties?!?
...No...
Aren't they great?
...
You're a dude.

 

I'm gonna ride you!
...
You are so gay.
I'm a cowboy and you're a pony. Me riding you isn't gay.
Are you wearing chaps?

 

This is so fucked.

 

You again?
What you said really hurt my feelings.
What? That you're gay?
No
Then...
These chaps are Versace

 

What are you looking at?
Shhh, don't move we're being watched.
...
He's looking right at me.
...
I'm seducing him with my asian school girl charm.

 

AHHH, We're all gonna die!
What the hell? How'd I get here?
This is trippy.

 

OMFG!
Yes, it is me Dracula!
Huh? Not you.
Are you not terrified?
Who was your interior designer? Ray Charles?

 

Raaaahhhh!
Seriously, the lighting in here sucks.
Very punny. But I'm a vampire remember?
Did you just say punny?

 

Do you really think I should re-decorate?
...
Well?
Are you going to suck my blood?
Yes
I really think a green chiffon chaise in that corner would be nice.

 

Well, time for me to do my thing!
WAIT! Then what do YOU think should go in that corner?
Which corner?
And Dracula wondered how, once again, he had fallen for the old 'What do you think should go in that corner' trick.

 

8:45 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
AHHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! It's raining death!!! They're everywhere! How did we not see this coming!?!?....... Who am I?
I give up.
I'm a Pearl Harbor victim.
...
Too soon?

 

9:04 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 2
Holy Shit! I just saw a huge fireball erupt out of the tower next door!
Should we evacuate?
Now there are people jumping out of the building!
Let's go watch!
Let's go watch!

 

8:46:41 September 11, 2001 Heaven?
How the hell did I end up here?
I crashed into you.
Crashed into me? I was sitting at my desk on the 38th floor!
You'll figure it out. Now, where are my virgins?
You don't get any virgins here. This is Heaven.
Well, this is ironic.

 

8:44 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
Um, this is a private area. Are you supposed to be here?
Do you know where the emergency exits are in this place?
Huh, you know what? I actually don't.
I'm definitely in the right place.

 

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Jesus Christ, I wish that guy would shut up already!
I heard that!
Did I fart or something?
No.
Holy shit, Jews are mind readers! No wonder they're so good at business.

 

8:46:35 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
I've got the time machine set to teleport us out of here right before the moment of impact.
Excellent, we will be the first scientists to observe the victims activities in the moments leading up to the attack!
Great, now we're dead! I thought you said we'd be teleported out right before impact? Where did you get your timeline data?!?!
Um...Wikipedia...

 

9:03:10 AM September 11, 2001 Outside WTC 2
Are we there yet?
In a second.
Are we there yet?
I said,'In a seco...

 

Santa!
Ho ho ho! Hello Pink Pony!
May I help fly your sleigh tommorow?
Any good girl or boy is welcome to help fly my sleigh. But first...
The pit of death!
Mortal Combat!

 

8:33 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1 98th floor
Favorite super power.
Invisibility of course. Three words: Girls Locker Room
No way! Flying is totally better!
Flying is the stupidest super power EVER.

 

September 12, 2001 Ground Zero
This is so overwhelming, I don't even know where to start.
You got that right. How am I even supposed to process all of this?
The Chief said that when Tower 2 was coming down Ronny from Ladder 38 got on his walkie and started singing the National fucking Anthem.
Are you kidding me, Ronny was in Tower 2? This is so fucked up.
I'm with ya there. Did you know Ronny?
Know him? That bum owed me 50 bucks from the Yanks game last week.

 

September 10, 2001 Boston, U.S.A.
I cannot wait to do this thing. I am so psyched!
Totally, and to think my mother said I wasn't even car bomber material. Now look at me!
Forget her, in less than tweny-four hours there is gonna be a party in our pants and there are 80 virgins invited!
I wish I could just blow myself up right now and get a piece of that.
Just before we hit I'm gonna say 'This is your Captain speaking and on behalf of myself and the rest of the flight crew I would like to welcome you to DIE IN THE NAME OF ALLAH! LALALALALA!'
Does this box cutter make my turban look fat?

 

8:38 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1 94th floor
So, Rick, how is everything?
I guess you heard I tried to kill myself last month?
I did, but I wasn't sure if I should bring it up.
It's OK, really. I've learned that I need to talk about my feelings and make connections to give meaning and purpose to my life.
It sounds like you've really come a long way!
I have. I know that I have a bright future ahead of me and I plan on enjoying every moment of it.

 

September 29, 2001 New York, U.S.A.
This is just unbelievable. Both of our husbands killed by those maniacs AND you lost your son.
Bad timing for bring-your-child-to-work-day I guess.
I hope this doesn't sound callous but this is exactly why I made Robert get that million dollar life insurance policy.
It's good that your daughter's future is secure. I suppose that's something I won't have to worry about now.
I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it. The funeral was much cheaper than college would have been.

 

September 11, 2001 7:03 PM
Condoleezza Rice was quoted as saying "...no one could have foreseen airliners being hijacked and used as missles..."
October 21, 1944. Desperate Jap suicide pilots have begun using their own aircraft as missiles, crashing them into U.S. warships...

 

I love spring time in Germany!
You know who else loved spring time in Germany?
Who?
Godwin.

 

January 19, 2002 E.A.P. Talent Agency
All praise be to Allah! We will begin by raining fire down upon the cities of the Great Satan! The children will choke on the ashes of their parents!
...
We will bathe in the blood of our enemies and purify this world with cleansing flame in the name of Allah and his prophet Muhammad!
Get the fuck out of my office!
The Aristocrats!

 

Why Mr. Anderson? Why do you continue to work in this soul crushing office cubicle day after day?
Really good noodles.

 

WTF! I just walked outside and got ganked by this level 70 mage/knight/uber-elf!
Bummer.
Yah, and now he's camping my body and the lag is so bad he keeps killing me before I can get back to it!
Wanna cyber?

 

On second thought, I don't want to die for your sins. Could someone please let me down from here?
Guys?
...

 

I am quite aware of the dispicable manner in which you and yours have been treated over the last few centuries and would like to make some kind of reparations. Is this satisfactory?
A GHOST! RUN FOR IT!

 

I think the gravitons generated by those rotor turbines gave me cancer.
Ha,ha!
What the fuck am I laughing about?

 

That's it! I have had it with this dog shit relationship! You are a fucking souless life sucking bitch.
Ditto! Except minus the part about me and add in the part where you're an egomaniacal douche bag! Fucking pretty boy!
If we break up I'll have to move out AND I won't have steady pussy anymore. Damn!
If we break up who's going to drive me places and buy me stuff I can't afford? Damn!
Let's have sex!
Let's have sex!

 

Yo, check it. We need some muthafuckin' C-H-A-N-G-E up in this peace. You dig?

 

9:31 AM March 3, 2009 Los Angeles
Hey, did you know that Seth MacFarlane missed being on one of the hijacked 9/11 planes because he had a hangover?
That means we could have avoided American Dad entirely?!?!
Damn! I never even thought of that.
This reminds me of the time I roofied some chick and she woke up before I had a chance to brutally murder her and make a sexy suit out of her skin...
Why does my head hurt? And why am I in this cave?! And where the hell are my clothes?!?!
Uh, it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?

 

9:37 AM October 7,2001 Afghanistan
What...
12:01 AM March 20, 2003 Iraq
...the...
The Near Future in a Major U.S. City
FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU CCCCCCCCCC KKKKKKKKK!

 

8:50 AM September 11, 2001 Heaven?
Wait, if you're Jesus then...is this some kind of ironic hell?
You're god damn right it is. Now get on your knees and start jugglin' deez nutz!
uh...
Just kidding. Normally your ass would be roasting, but Dad's been kind of like 'Fuck it' lately.
...
And by lately, I mean for like 800 years.

 

Heaven
So I was like, 'Do you TRIPLE-DOG dare me?'
And?
11:28 AM December 12, 2000
In what will surely be hailed as one of its most controversial decisions, the Supreme Court issued its ruling today in the hotly contested Bush v. Gore case...
9:05 AM September 11, 2001 Florida
Mr. President, I'm getting reports that a second commercial airliner has crashed into the World Trade Center.
But they ain't done with the story yet. I gotta know what happens to that dang goat!

 

8:40 AM September 11, 2001 WTC 1
Listen up cubicle zombies! A genie came to my apartment last night and offered me three wishes.
I am now the richest person on Earth; a sexual tyranosaur; and way more interesting than that guy from the Dos Equis commercials.
I wasn't even going to come in today but then I thought, "What the hell is the point of being awesome if you can't shove it in other people's faces?"

 

10:58 AM March 16, 2000 Burbank, CA
Osama! What is up my man?
Chris Carter?! You old dog, how are you? X-Files going well?
Yes, actually. But here's the thing. I'm trying to write the pilot for a spin-off series called "The Lone Gunmen," and I am having the WORST writers block.
Writers block, huh? What if the guys were accused of a crime they didn't commit and had to break into CIA headquarters to steal a NOC list which they would then use to prove their innocence?
That's the plot to Mission Impossible! Fuck it, I'm going with my first idea; have them stop a hijacked plane from crashing into the World Trade Center right at the last minute.
That's a stupid idea. Gotta go!

 

September 11, 3001 00100101101 a.m.
Everyone knows Bill Gates died for our bugs. His return was foretold in the Windows 32 tech manual. It's all right there on page 932. Upgrade now.
I don't give a damn about your religion, just stop manipulating our software and hacking our networks!
Noob, our software was handed down from the great Microsoft overlords. Your sad devotion to open source has not helped you conjure up enough users to fill a private room at a Denny's.
How dare you! Linus Torvalds was a great man who created a flexible and open environment free to all.
ROFLCOPPTER!!!!
Son-of-a-bitch. We'll see who's laughing after I crash your twin server towers!

 

5:45 PM July 4, 2000 The Moon
Our arrival is imminent. Explain again how you plan to bring down humanity in only 50 years.
Osama is on board. The towers come down next year. Then, in a fit of reactionary paranoia, the U.S. will find excuses to kill or conquer their "enemies."
...which is pretty much everyone.
Exactly! The Americans will inevitably fuck the planet up. By the time your ships arrive there won't be anyone left to put up a fight. You'll be colonizers, not conquerers.
Excellent! Once we are in control you may have anything you desire.
Look, all I want is some land for my people, a beach house in the Hamptons, and the head of that fucking statue in my backyard!

 

September 11, 2011 Afghanistan
Happy 9/11!
Happy 9/11!

 

My self-driving car almost killed me today!
Really? I thought they were supposed to be super safe?
It is, but it showed me this really funny cat video while I was surfing the web which caused me to spill my beer. So I shouted, "Fucking Shit, Google!" Then all this weird porn started playing and...
Wait, you can drink beer while watching porn all while your car drives ITSELF?
Yeah, so anyways, then I...Hey, where you going?
With all the money I’ll save on DUI lawyers I can totally afford one of those!

 

NSA HQ, Fort Meade, Maryland
...then she says, "That is it! I am through with this dog shit marriage!" Can you believe it?!?
She finally stood up to him! I never would have beleived it if it weren't for the video from her web camera and the audio from her iPhone 25.
And don't forget the data from their bio monitors, smart refrigerator, Roomba, Nest, their son's hearing aid, and the robo-nanny.
The best part was when he was all, "Will you keep your voice down! The neighbors will hear us!" and she goes, "Get over yourself, no one cares about our stupid marriage!"
Hahahahahaha hahahahahahahah!
Hahahahahaha hahahahahahahah!

 

...then using detailed brain scans I was able to copy his connectome and insert it into a perpetual virtual world similar to the Matrix, except, you know, like hell.
Uh, that...that is fucking evil. In fact, yeah, my Google Glass is confirming that what you just said is the Wikipedia definition of evil.
Later...
You fucked up.
CTRL+ALT+DELETE! CTRL+ALT+DELETE! Fuuuuuuuuck!

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