All comics by Forever_Omniscient

 

I so told you this was going to happen. Even our Father said so and you still went through with it, what the Hell is wrong with you? Oh well, you had your turn, step-brother, now its mine...
Forgive them. For they know not what they do...
So, you are sure He's dead right? He isn't going to pull a miracle out of his ass and come back to life or anything?
Yeah, He's dead. The Romans were pretty thorough. I took Him home myself. He didn't talk much and He flipped off his Father as we were passing through the Gates.
Son of a virgin bitch. That lying, No-Face, dickless, cross-dressing, albino, bony, asshole...
My turn again...

 

Hey Buddy, how are you feeling? You doing all right? Is there anything I can get you? A juicebox? Cookie? No? Okay, let's go Home...
...
Hey Big G, um, listen your boy JC, over there, well, I'm not criticizing you or anything, but I don't think that was the right way to go with Him. He's a little bit upset, so just keep that in mind.
Right.
Never Again
Hey Son, welcome back Home! How was your summer vacation down on Earth?

 

I have a proposition for you Mr. D. I want you to design the means of "death" for my step-brother when He goes on vacation up on Earth, in such a way that He will never again want to go back. Deal?
Yeah, all right. I mean, I was going to kill Him anyway, Big G said so, but He didn't say how, so just send me a copy of your ideas and I'll see what I can do.
Judas, Oh Judas, where are you, you silly Jew?
Hey! What the Hell? Who are you guys? Whats going on?
Hey, now, stop it! Ow! That really hurts!
Ugh...Goddamn Judas and his hide and seek games...

 

Satan, you're conduct and work ethic has been unsatisfactory and I have no choice but to fire you. Good luck and go to Hell.
*Sigh* Fine. I don't really like it here anyway, too many damn rules and regulations, how the Hell is anyone suppose to remember them all?
Hey, it's the S-Man, what's up guy? I heard you got fired, tough luck, but hey, you get to manage Hell, that's...that's, well, it's a job, be thankful that you have one, given the hard times...
Hey, Mikey, yeah, it's true, but hey, it's for the best all around and I'll still see you and the guys at the meetings and parties. I'll have my hands full with work, a whole Hell worth of it...
Well, here we are. Welcome to Hell. There isn't much going on right now, but things will pick up around the time Big G has is boy, then you'll be packed. I'll help you as much as I can...
Thanks. Looks like I got some building to do, some decorating. I guess I got some time. Hey listen, I have an idea I like to share with you about Big G Jr, but we can discuss that after he is born.

 

...
Hey, guy, what's up, it's me God, haven't talked to you in while, what's going?
...
Oh, I see, yeah, the last time I did you sort of told everyone and now you are stuck here. Well, I did warn you not to tell anyone but no one ever listens to me anymore...
Hey, who were you just talking too? I heard voices...
No one! Jesus Christ, I'm not crazy!

 

Hey, Mike, tomorrow I'll need you to escort Mr. S out of Heaven, with a little fuss as possible...
Um, okay, yeah sure, whatever you Big G...
Hey, D-man, tomorrow I'll need you to escort Mr. S to Hell and show him about and stuff...
Oh, all right, well I was going there tomorrow anyway, so sure I can do that...
Hey, guy, listen I need to have a meeting with you tomorrow, say around the 666 second after 11am, okay?
On the dot, sir! Yes sir! Anything you say, sir!

 

One day, in the the Garden of Eden...
Hey Adam, how's it hanging? I see you found a way to carry your food with you, protect your eyes from the Sun and your hands from dirt, good for you!
I'm fucking bored, why else would I invent this crazy shit? I need someone to talk to...
So God went home and made Eve from a chicken rib Adam gave him...
Eve, I created you so that Adam does not become bored. You are to be his wife, obey all his commands...
Um, well, I'll make sure he isn't bored, but the obeying part I sort of have a problem with...
The next day, Eve appeared before Adam in the Garden...
God Damn your fine! What's your name? You want some cock...ahem, I mean chicken? It's fat free...
Hey there cutie. I'm Eve, your wife. I'm suppose to keep you from getting bored, so you going to move that chicken out of the way so I can get started?

 

On the Sixth Day of Creation, God was running out of ideas...
Something is missing...someth-...oh oh oh wait, I got it, someone is missing, yeah, let's see here...
Miraculously, He managed to create Man, in a half-ass attempt...
Behold, I shall call him Man, made in My likeness...when I was 30...and drunk...eh, close enough...
Whoa, where the fuck am I? Who's talking?
The experiment got off to a bad start...
I am I am
A talking plant? Is that going to become common? Man, I need to stop drinking during the day...

 

One day, in the Garden of Eden...
Hey, take these apples and eat them with your husband...or else...
Um, what, but we are not suppose to do, talking gun toting kangaroo person...
Eve found herself in quite the predicament...
Hey, bitch, I don't give an F what you think, you'll do it or that dress is going to pay the price...why the F are you dressed anyway?
Oh no not my dress, it's a one of a kind, my only dress too! It's the apples right?
But she did the right thing...right?
Hey honey-bunny, I'm home, it was a long day at the office, lot of sitting around doing nothing, it was exhausting. I'm starvin' what's for dinner?
Um, what about some apples?

 

During the last day in Paradise, Adam found out Eve's secret...
You did what? You stupid...Woman! God damn it, Woman, what's wrong with you?
Oh don't be upset Adam, I was held at gunpoint, it was the apples or the dress, what would you have done?
A few days later, God found out what happened, coming back after a much needed vacation. He sent an Angel to escort them out of Eden...
Hey Man, sorry to hear what happened. Woman, huh? Hahaha
Yeah no kidding because of her we get evicted, we lost nearly all of our possesions, and now I have to find a job...God damn it, this sucks...
The couple begain walking out into the unknown, East of Eden...
Well I hope you are happy, we're out in the middle of dessert, homeless, jobless, foodless...
Yeah, I know, but there is one thing you are forgetting...we get to have sex now...

 

 

Hey kid, you either must be really bored or really stupid, either way I have a new game for you to play...

 

 

Hello, you look live your are on the brink of death, please le me help you...
What? I'm not on the brink of death, I just look this way. I don't get out much...
Please, let me help you. I vant to help you. I vant to suck your blo-...
Well, I don't know, I'm not usually into that sort of thing but...
Ah. That's not vhat I meant. Um, I'll talk to you later, I got to go...
OKAY! I'm ready, do you want to do this in the stall or what? Oh I'm so excited, it's ready to burst out...

 

One day, Daisy went to the park, to get some R&R from her job in space...
Wow, man, like cool squirrel, so peaceful...
*squeak*
She hated space, there was no green in space...
Must kill Hippies...
I wonder if it will come with me back to space and like be my friend...
Except the green she brought with her, it made her see all the colours...
DIE HIPPIE SCUM DIE!
Hey, man, like chill out, all you had to do was like ask, man...

 

Oh, no, no, no...this can only mean one thing...
The circus is in town...and with it...THEM...
Nothing personal, but I have to kill you in a horrible fashion...
Not again...

 

After a year of absence, Jared V. returns to the art world scene, to unveil his new work...
Ahem, um, so here it is...
Your art work is shit! Smells like shit too!
Not everyone is a fan of his work...
Um, you see, I worked really hard on it...excuse me for a second...
It fucking sucks baboon ass, looks like you just farted and this shit came out...
But they are not around for very long...
What are you going to do with those...Oh shit...

 

Somewhere Not In The United States...
Kill 'em all!

 

January 20th, 2009
I guess it's back to Texas...could someone give me a ride?
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-21-09

 

Mom, there's another smurfie outside...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-21-09

 

After the Millenium...
Due to recent budget cutbacks, we have to let you go from the Powers task force...
WTF is this? I'm fired?
Hahaha, now who's fired?
Hmm, damn. I'm sure no one will notice...

 

Now, just gently tap the nail until it is flush with your skull...
And this will stop the headaches?
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-22-09

 

Dear Lord, I pray that you help the hunter see his evil ways and that he repents...
You know, you could've done this without gunpoint...
Hey guy, so you're hunter, huh? Killing all my Father's pet animals, huh? And not even eating them, just for sport, huh?
Yeah, I'm a vegetarian but hunting so much fun...
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

 

January 20, 2009
What now, pajama-wearing cracker?
No hard feelings?
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-22-09

 

If a vampire sucks the blood of a drunk person, the vampire becomes drunk too...
*Hehehehe*
And they act like any other drunk...
BAAAHHH!
Pissing off the wrong people...
Oh, shit, I didn't realize it was you...my bad...
I should've never agreed to special exception with Satan...

 

Never piss off your neighbor...
This is what I think of your problem, Tim...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-22-09

 

Do you know why I pulled you over?
Yes, yes I do, absolutely.
Um, well, thats a first...I really don't know what to do now...
It's okay, you're not the first officer to have this problem...
Thanks, I feel a little bit better...
No problem...

 

"...you're such a fucking hypocrite"
Awesome song. This JT of KOKX, broadcasting live from The Bar...
Want to know how I know you're gay?
You like Coldplay. We're giving away tickets, so stop on by and pick some up, cause I don't want them...

 

"...my sweet angel, so up help me Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesussss."
Yeah, he'll help, he's Jesus after all right? It's in the job description...
So, I'm out here on some sidewalk in front of some place next to The Bar...
Come on by, if my location is too vague, maybe Jesus will help you...I doubt it though...

 

"...I don't care, I swear I don't care. At all."
Gotta love that song. This KOCX, sort of on location, what's up?
Yeah, um, could you, like, play that one song, from that band, about food?
Right, dude, are you high?
Chop suey, I think...what? No, awesome, huh?

 

An ex-President becomes a news reporter...
I'll make a deal with you. Let me interview you and I'll let you play with my saxaphone...
I don't want to put my mouth on that old, dirty, spitwashed thing, but I rather give you a blowjob...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-22-09

 

People are stupid...
Ah, shit, him again?
Haha, I got you now! You will not escape me again, I have waited a long time to shoot yo-
Some people think people kill people...
What the hel-
Guns help too...
If you are going to shoot someone, shoot them, don't stand around talking about it...

 

Between 26-36 AD/CE, the Second Coming Fire Department responded to an emergency...
Everything will be okay...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-27-09

 

Hey JC, I have your lab resul---goddamn, what happened to you?
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-27-09

 

Hey JC, ready for your immunization? It won't hurt a bit...
Okay so I lied, forgive me?

 

This is just an anesthetic to help you relax...
A handsaw can be used more than just cut and shape wood...
So that's what it's like to be flayed by a handsaw, any questions?

 

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
Damn, I missed...

 

A man who was demon-possessed and could not talk was brought to Jesus.
And when the demon was driven out, the man who had been mute spoke.
May I have my notepad back?
And after the crowd dispersed...
You win this round.

 

Oh, look a horse, we must be in Texas...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-29-09

 

Nth Anniversary
Come on, babe, it's been 10 years...
And nothing has changed...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-29-09

 

"Dear Mr.Know, my name is Roxanne and I live in Utah. I just turned 21 and I am still a virgin."
"Does that mean my brothers are gay?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my name is Rory and I go to chruch every Sunday. They tell us about the Holy Ghost."
"Does that mean the church is haunted?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, everyday at the same time a TV show, called the News, comes on that talks about war, death, violence, and disease."
"How can such a horrible program stay on air for so many seasons?

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my grandmother forgets who she is, where she is, and who I am."
Does this mean she has 'old-timers disease'?

 

"Dear Mr. Know, my dog Spaz seems really depressed, melancholy, and lethargic."
"Does this mean has Downs syndrome?"

 

"Dear Mr. Know, I just took a class in economics, foreign marketing, and history."
"Does this mean that all of our imports come from different countries?"

 

"God will forgive you of your sins, only if you sincerely repent. Ask for absolution, my child."
I hate people pushing their religion on others...

 

I crave for death's sweet embrace...
I changed my mind...

 

Hey, give me head and my ass will glow and make you feel gooooodddd...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-30-09

 

Caffeine is an addictive drug...
You look like you need some coffee...
by Forever_Omniscient, 3-30-09

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