All comics by Fuj

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by Fuj
8-22-04
You've eaten an omelette, an 18oz steak, 4 Guinness and for some inexplicable reason a brussel sprout and cauliflower vindaloo! What. The Fuck, Fuj?
Just carry mee... to the next... kebab house... BLLUURRP!!
The next day...
Yes sir, can I help y...
Shut UP! The service is poor, the decor is tasteless, the staff are ...insidious...and the food is abysmal! Now GET ME MY CREAM FUDGE RISOTTO AT ONCE!
*orchestral symphony*
Since the dawn of time have we.. the humble waiter served... yet today, I take my stand for my bretheren! We shall come forth and our voice shall, oh JAYZUS!....... gnnng....gn....*BLAPPP*
My liege! The clan await completion of the offering for Table 4....Push harder!

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
Once upon a time
You have been chosen my friend to represent the earth in a monumental battle against the worlds most feared terrorist syndicate the"buttock faced ghostmen of the apocolypse"
In a land far away
To complete your task I have assigned yea a deadly task force compromising some of the most revered and unique individuals of our time..introducing....
not far away enough however....
A young Professor Stephen Hawkings!
BoW BeFoRe My SuPeRiOr InTeLlEcT AnD InSatIabLe LiBiDo!

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
Tiger Woods!!!.....(tiger woods!?!)
negative thoughts wont help your putting. Think straight. Focus. Live the dream..
The paperclip from Windows!?!!
Click on me! I appear frequently to remind you that, contrary to your own belief, your still a useless fuck at computers! thats right I said fuck!!.. in this world I tell it how it is G.
What? Guinan from Star Trek!! BUT YOURE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER PLAYED BY WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
You remember me in Jumping Jack Flash? those where the times. Im lucky to get a slot in a B-movie porn nowadays.

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
Mr. Darcy?! from Pride & Prejudice?
Mr Darcy indeed!!
this is starting to take the piss..
Indutably....

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
Right. Ive had enough! wheres the guy who sent me on this mission in the first place!
Woof! Think straight! Focus! Live the dream!
And so...
Look Ive seen that film League of extraordinary whatever and quite frankly it was pants! But Im smart enough to relise that, like the film, youre probably some evil super villian in disguise!!
Aha! he's a smart one little does he relise Im actually ...
Now what?

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
Somewhere in the planes betwixt good, evil, Chaotic Neutral and +1 lawfull chaotic goodly evil....
What the Fu...?
okay, so youve seen the matrix? yes I know Im usually the all knowing oracle in the form of an afro carribean lady but I got tired of that guise and I really think I suit fur.
The guy who sent you on this "extra-ordinary" mission is indeed a being of great evil. You alone can vanquish him.. however! You cannot do this alone!
You've just totally contradicted yourself. Also Im finding this "Godly squirrel" thing a difficult concept to grasp.

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
How about this?
slightly too reverant.
this?
No.
Hmm?
Look dude I was into Kurt Cobain in a big way admittedly but that was 10 freakin years ago!

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
BLEH!!
AHHH!
Meh...
You're not even trying anymore are you?
Forget appearances! Dont you relise the fate of the world rests on your shoulders!? I cannot fortell the future nor can I change the past however I can tell you this... You must seek your spirit guide

 

by Fuj
9-10-04
And so....
Jes some squirrel told me I had to "seek my spirit guide" to defeat the mystery man of doom and... and....
You woke me up for this shit!?
wait... spirit guide?

 

by Fuj
9-12-04
So...
please
Absinthe?
Meanwhile...
Where the hell is he?
three hours later
He! Do you remember the time we went to that planet of door people and I slept with that foxy female door? he he he hic!!
That was half an hour ago.. and that was the door store... and that *was* a door!!

 

by Fuj
9-12-04
Elsewhere
Aha! my plan for world domination draws to a close, though I cant help but feel uneasy at the fact that no one has tried to stop me...
Back in the realm betwixt etc. etc.
What the hell is taking him so long? I told him to find his spirit guide not reserrect Jesus! (damn I knew I should have appeared as Beyonce Knowles.. He would have sold his liver if I'd asked him to)
Somewhere in England..
yes.
More Slivovice?

 

by Fuj
9-12-04
Back in the realm of yada yada yada.
Well.. the fate of the world is all but over and Im stuck here in a dimension that doesnt even have anything to forage for... unless I secrete my feces behind some wormholes and pretend there acorns..
Meanwhile In an untouched part of England..
I cant help but think there was something i should have been doing..but what...
The purple chartreuse is just about done.. Cinzano?
Fin...
BLAH! WA-HA-HA-HAAA!

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Have you heard that new Brian McFadden Song?
That "Real to Me" one.. yeah, it rocks!!
No. It doesn't *rock* It is a bag of shite... I mean, that last verse "I have my family round drinking English tea, then I raise my finger and watch football on TV".. WHO DOES THAT!!?
Chill out! It's just a song, dude.
No. No. No. Humour me for a second... Would you really go to the bother of inviting your family and in-laws over for a nice sunny sit in the back conservatory with a pot of Earl Grey....
...Your finest Fox's McSpecial biccies, all laid out nice 'n' fancy... the dog locked away in the garage so he doesn't get over excitable... Just. To . Get...up...and GIVE YOUR FAMILY THE FINGER!?!?!

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Huff..pant...puff....
Dude you have serious issues. I'm sure Brian McFadden didn't mean it in that context anyway.
Thank you Mrs. Katona, Kerry told me you had a particular penchant for custard creams.
Now fuck you. Fuck all of you! I'm off to stand on my roof, masturbating, whilst dancing the Macarena...And maybe later I'll have a shit on your daughter's chest. Now that's what's "real" to me!

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Ahh! Smurf! I'm so glad you've come back to take Final Fantasy Tactics off me, dude. It was starting to take over my life. I have'nt slept for weeks. Look! I've notched up 200+ hours on the thing!
Whoa! Don't you think it's goin' to have an adverse effect on your life now that you're without it?
The next day in college...
Funny the things you dont notice about your'e course tutors.
The evolution of transport modes can be cited back to the ..*I'M A VIERA YOU CAN ADVANCE ME TO BECOME A SUMMONER OR AN ILLUSIONIST! I NEED EXP! GIVE ME EXP!*.. followed by the advent of steam in the..
Later in the pub..
So how goes it in the real world?
I got thrown out of college today for trying to use an antilaw to nullifiy alcohol permissions on campus. But other than that, fine... Do they accept Gill here? I hope so.... the other shops did'nt.

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
I'm proud of you dude.. It's been over a year since you split with Lisa and you haven't mentioned her at all during 2004. I thought, after the first torturous 6 months, the recent news would....
Oh! That she's engaged to some guy, is living with him in his little flat and they're going to get a house together soon? Why would that bother me Jones?
Well, at first, you said it was like having salted urine being rubbed into the vicious wounds a Gestapo interrogation expert made,who had just caught you filming his wife & daughter having sex with...
..a horde of black Jewish porn stars. But I guess your'e over it......
KILL! DEATH!! MURDER!! KILL! KILL KILL!!

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Belfad City Skin werks.
Worm! Yea have come a long way, young Padawan, but to complete the tatooist's path of initiation, yea must perform a selfless act of depravity. You must tatoo.. an Anus!
Oh.. this shouldnt be a problem!
Could you do me a big "Jesus Loves you"....
On my dad's ring piece? Excuse any noxious gaseous emissions or other such follow through.. He's just back from a mission in Zaire. Apparently they eat rotted meat carcasses there.
Come my child. Help me spread the Lord's word..

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
The realms of yore.. A grassy plane littered with the scent of mythril..A Lute plays softly in the background
*green sleaves*De-de-de-de-dee-de-doo-doo-dee-dee
Fucking stop that will you!
diddle-dee-doo-do-do-do-do-dee-dee
wanker

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Diddle-dee-do-dee-dee-dee..
I said to stop with the music already!
I'm not playing the damn music! Christ sake, you could at least accuse someone else in the party!
Deeee-doo--ee-diddle-dee-dee-dee!!
Shaolin monk.. Are you responsible for that incessant racket?
No my leader. I am not. Perhaps a further interrogation of the clan may bring about the answers in which you seek.
doo-doo-diddle-deeeeeee!
Mage! Are you sourcering up this noise? If so, cease privvy!
Alas, dear boy the only music I am capable of conjuring up is through my arse... after a night of mead and par-boiled sweet breads!

 

by Fuj
9-19-04
Di-di-di-di-deeedleeely-dee-de-de-de-de-de
Ranger.. should you find it within thy wisdom to be playing that irritating lute music, may I advise against it.. lest I see it fit to sheath mine broadsword in thine testicles.
It's not me, dude!
Diddle-diddley-doop-de-doo-de-do-de-do-de-de-de-doo-dooo-doopy-doo
Heinrich the Unclean, are you playing that... forget it...
GUG!
deedly-doodly-diddly-doodly
Right, Navi! I've had enough of this horse-shit. Where in the name of fuck is that music coming from?

 

by Fuj
9-20-04
Diddlely-doooo!!
Did you think of asking the bard? Well? DID YOU!?
Hmmm...
Dip-de-diddly-diddly-dip-de-doo!
Minstrel. Your lutesmanship has vexed me beyond what is comprehendable.
But without song we are but a band of soulless vagabonds, without inspiration or guidance. My music brings harmony to our unit, my soft melodies only harness our collective.....
O.K...we're going to need to recruit a new member.

 

by Fuj
9-20-04
Hi Boss...
Whats that on your face?
Its a beard. I thought I would grow one. You know, to be different.
If you want to be different then score a hat-trick on saturday.

 

by Fuj
9-20-04
The penny circles the top of the well
Thats the 5th knock back Ive recieved. Why does nobody want to work tonight?
Sorry Monty, couldnt possibly work a shift tonight. My erm..yeah.. Sorry to let you down mate...
Slowly descending...
There must be some reason behind it.. Ahh well best let Jacqui know when she comes in for her shift tonight..
Untill it finally drops..
*PING!*
Quickly Michael stock the sturrs and sweep the churrs! I have to phone A1 entertainment , their bringing us in a new group, I havent heard them before in my life but there really good. Whats shampoo?

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
Walk..walk..walk! Thats all we ever seem to do around here! I should be out helping Frodo get his ring or something....Dont see why I have to follow your sorry ass all day anyways...
Do you see this emblem embroidered on my tunic? See that symbol? Yeah bitch thats right, its the triforce! And as such you are required to follow my every wish to the letter...Now keep walking!
:-0

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
...I thought Link was the only guy who could command the triforce..
He was.. but he went a bit funny after he caught Zelda in bed with Cloud from FF7.. He swore he would never return to adventuring again, I got the tunic from e-bay for £9.99!
I wonder where he is now?....
Why Zelda? WHYY!! I loved you. The wind waker was a mistake. I promise I can change
Look Link stop phoning me! Its been three years! You dont want cloud to know your...Oh wait...No Honey its noone just a wrong number..honestly..... LINK YOU SON OF A BITCH LEAVE HER ALONE!

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
Hello? Yes, Can you come in and work a shift tonight? Just food, no hassles Hmm?
If I said no last night, and I said no the night before that, and I was sick The day before that, what makes you think I'd come in tonight?
.....
Sigh
Excellent now go sweep the sturrs and clean the churrs. Im going to phone A1 and book an over paid pack of drunken men to do a Tom Jones tribute. I havent heard them in my todd but their brilliant.

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
So.. are we there yet?
I'll tell you when we get there.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
I will grant thee no idol threats. No poignant remarks. No snide comments with witty overtures and sarcastic undertones. Just a simple promise. I. WILL. kill you.

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
Hey there! emm..playing Doom 3 I see. I use to err, I use to be in a computer game once myself you know... Dont you .. Dont you recognise me?
We didnt have all this high-tech jiggery pokery in my day oh no. It used to be just me, a couple of magic mushrooms, a bunch of turtles and a whole lotta platforms!! Ho-ho-ho......
Let me try this on you.. HEY ITSA MEE!! MARRIOO!!
Allright! End of level boss!! And this time his penis is a cannon! Interesting twist!

 

by Fuj
9-21-04
Hey there! emm..downloading pornography I see...
WHAT THE!!
You know we didnt have all this high-tech broadband stuff in my day. No sir, when we wanted a quick one off the hand we had to make do with our imagination...
HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE!!
of course in those days Princess Daisy was putting out almost every night. She had an insatiable appetite for the old rumpy pumpy he..he..he. Boy I could tell you some stories...
AHHHHHHH!

 

by Fuj
9-22-04
Dad..why cant I get a girlfriend?
Because son you whine like a bitch. Let me explain.
A man that talks of his problems is as a small child crying for the bosom of its mother, needing to be cradled and nurtured from the rigours of everyday life..Women aren't stupid son...
Take exhibit A, the stereo-typical alpha male. He bottles his feelings up, preferring to be moody & silent. Exhibit A may be an absolute prick but the female at least knows he will be good in bed....

 

by Fuj
9-27-04
Were doing a whip round to get Lisa a present for her wedding do.. I know she treated you like a dog and left you emotionally scarred, but I thought you might want to bury the hatchett and move on....
...I suppose...
Brilliant! this could really help you finally let go of those negative feelings you still have!
Tell you what I'll get her a present myself, if you dont mind delivering it for me..
The honeymoon suite....
What was the video tape honey?
Havent the foggiest. There was just this weird shit going on, and it kept showing this creepy well....You havent ordered anything from argos recently have you? Its just I got this phone call...

 

by Fuj
9-29-04
Today in college..
BLAH-WA-HA-HA-HA!
Silence mortal! this is a library for study, not some comic reading emporium!
Isnt this just like a Jes comic? except this actually happens to me..

 

by Fuj
9-30-04
What the fuck is this?
It's your new trusty steed! All the famous adventuring types had one. Robert Redford & Pilgrim, Rex Allen & Koko, Bravestar & Thirty-thirty..
Return it from whence it came.. and be PROMPT about it ranger. I shall have no pink creature camping up my party.
I cant! I won it in a raffle at the Rangers social club.
SCHMOOGLE!

 

by Fuj
9-30-04
A nice grassy plane, lovely fragrant odours abound. peacefull, tranquil.. there is a distinct absence of any classical guitar...
Aha! our destination draws closer
thank you lord!
Meanwhile in ye ancient olde pube....
...And dont let me see your bastard moogle face in here again!! ... brave heart my arse! Oh and you can take your pandoras box of "tricks" as well! *HURL*
Kupopo!
Shortly..
Inn-keep we need to recruit a new member.. the bard you sent us met an untimely death.
Thats the FIFTH recruit I've sent you that seems to have met with "unfortunate circumstances".People are talking knighty.No-one wants to join your party, too scared... your choice may be limited.....

 

by Fuj
10-11-04
So what are you saying? Isnt there anyone with a thirst for adventure and blade for battle?
In a word..yes. Most sane people would rather simulate sex with a dragon than sign up with you...
well there may be one person but I dont think he's suitable. He seems a little disorientated..we keep him in the basement. Its for his own good.
I keep telling you! I was on a rollercoaster ride and thats the last I remember! Why does this keep happening when I drink absinthe...

 

by Fuj
10-13-04
That Ken Bigley guy eh..? eh..? why dont they just fucking kill him! eh..!
You sick fuck Connolly!
What! They dont care if he dies..well it would free up space if we DID kill him...hmmm.
And this news just coming in Ken Bigley has been executed. Family are in a state of shock. In other news a hate mob has left London on its way to Glasgow. More updates as they come in...
Jings!

 

by Fuj
10-17-04
Hey! Check out this new gear I got! Its powerfull El wacko bacco from the Dam!
Why would I want to start that crap over again? I wasted three years of my life, holed up in a roofspace playing monopoly, monged out of my head. Those days are behind me..
But this stuff is the shit! Go on.. one puff..
Couldnt be THAT good...
And so...
Kabbala-kabbala-kabbala-HA! kabbala-kabbala-kabbala-HA!
Losers dont win drugs..its ALLL relevant. What would chocolate taste like over a carton of stew?

 

by Fuj
10-18-04
Teh Clube!
Hi! I havent seen you about here before. My names Fuj! Can I erm.. get you a drink?
Point taken...

 

by Fuj
10-20-04
Whats wrong? You're looking uncomfortable..
Nothing.. Im fine.
Your'e not thinking of having a shite are you? I dont blame you, we've been on the road for days without so much as a secluded snow mound in sight.
NO!! and if I was I WOULDNT tell you!!!
Thats good. You wouldnt last a minute out there...not with you're kex down.
Just LEAVE me ALONE!

 

by Fuj
10-20-04
I think I may hath to do without the services of a new recruit.. perhaps if we raise our profile by completing heroic deeds shalst new followers flock.
Its a possibility.. new quests arrive here daily..Farmer Jones needs his plants weeded..Mrs.Miggins Pie shop needs new ingredients for a birthday cake erm .. Theres a .....
Halt with thine rambling shop-keep! Do I look like a lower level adventurer to thee? I suppose you're going to offer me a "tutorial" quest next. I want something big.
well there was this halfing fellow that passed by 'ere not many moons ago. Looking for some trinket or another. He offered a substantial reward for it..
hmm...
Yes, he lost some "ruling ring of power" or what have ye. Swore he would never touch the green stuff again if but where a noble man to find his precious and return it.

 

by Fuj
10-20-04
Now where are we going!?
Were going to find the "one ring"...
But mine master, lest I speak out of place, but isnt this the COMPLETLEY wrong way?
trust me.. I know what Im doing
Yeah dude, I mean, the shire is a long way from here man..
Silence ranger..I said I know what Im doing. And start speaking in ye ancient olde dialect!

 

by Fuj
10-29-04
Isnt this an auction house?
That would be right mage. I got a good tip there maybe something here of interest....
My precious!!!
Okay lot 21 Item a) a golden ring with some kind of indistinguishable texts inscribed inside, appears to have no significant value.. Do I hear 2 rupees for this trinket?

 

by Fuj
11-03-04
Four more ye-az! Four more ye-az! Four more ye-az! C'mon everybody in their best Austrian American!
Baa!
Where did we go wrong? the campaign was sound, we had ALL the good celebrities supporting us!?
This is the only way I can get that "Four more yeaz" soundbyte out of my head. Oh sweet mercifull death I greet thee with open arms! HNGG! HG!
Are you sure its ok for us to vote, you know, with us being dead n'all?...
Why do you always want to question the very purpose of our ressurection? Just shut up and vote Bush will ya! Be thankfull we didnt have to put up with Labours "Call on me" debacle...brrrr!

 

by Fuj
11-09-04
Many thousands of years ago, a race of robots that could talk and feel real emotions lived on a planet called cybertron....
The planet cybertron was inhabited by the peacefull autobots and the cunt-like deceptecons. It was the Deceptecons one wish to destroy all that they surveyed and rule the planet.
The autobots where to lead a retaliation, headed by the brave optimus prime.
But we're not fighters like they are prime!
"But we're not fighters like they are prime!" bitch-moan-wah! Do you ever listen to yourself? I dont care! In-fact you've just volunteered to be in the front line!

 

by Fuj
11-09-04
The ensuing battle saw the autobots and deceptecons leave cybertron in search of new energy sources or something.And in what can only be described as the worst piece of navigating since the titanic...
Arnt the asteroids prrutty? lets take a closer look!
Saw the Autobots and deceptecons watch aghast as both of their ships take heavy damage and they are forced to crash land on earth..
Gaaahh!
Pilot! transform into a pair of nads. The rest of you unite to form a big fist...
The Autobots where soon discovered by an irksome little child and after much delibration decided to befriend the annoying shit.
Wow! A real talking robot! I cant believe my eyes! Will you be my friend mister.
Bow before me! I am Optimus prime and I shall bring death and pestilence and doom!

 

by Fuj
11-09-04
The bond between human and robot took time to solidifiy...
Hey prime, cant you transform into something cool like a playstaion or something?
I cant transform into anything other than a big truck sonny.. but if you really want, I could transform YOU into something I scrape off my boot?
But in time the alliance between all conquering death machines and irritating needy humans would somehow grow.
Hey spike! have you ever wondered how a robot masturbates?
Why yes wheeljack! All the time!
Well hey! Isnt that your brother over there?
Yeah it sure is. He's with that girl he likes... He always ignores me when he's with girls.

 

by Fuj
11-09-04
Supp. Thought we could like chill for a while. You could look at my new irregulary shaped jeans and watch me wiggle my ass in a pretenous, dont look at me but really do kinda way...
Sounds cool...
HNN! GNN! GNAH!! And then you just release when you know its time.. Ive heard human techniques are much the same except for the stuff about starter cables and oil spurts..
Gee. That sure was entertaining Wheeljack!
...
...

 

by Fuj
11-09-04
Its not that I dont appreciate you anymore hun..
Its just...
Yes?
Your cunny tastes like brie and your body odour is a biological W.M.D. You dont use more than two sheets of paper if you decide to wipe your ass and even then you recycle that for flossing..
But you still love me right?

 

by Fuj
11-16-04
I've been logged in so long..
I've been logged into stripcreator for the last 24 hours...
People are going to think Im the new CHUBBY
Why you ask? Because my computer is a bug infested, slow ass piece of shit that crashes constantly anytime I go-online... Do you know what I want to do to it?
Fuck my fucking computer to the high hells.
You really dont want to do that
but I do...

 

by Fuj
11-18-04
I cant believe you got the ruling ring of power...and with such ease!!
Indeed mage. Twas a mighty effort made easy by paying the right people. Still, I cant believe that the creature golem didnt put up more of a fight.
Didnt you attack him from behind?
... Tis sad when one must gore another in the anus with a two edged broadsword, even if it is something as despicable as that gremlin hobbit thing.

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