All comics by GrassyNoel

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by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Who are you? What are you doing here? Can't you see I was just about to give this cat a bath?
I am a messenger clip from your lawyer. I am here to let you know that your creator has surrendered all rights to your character for use in anonymous online comics.
What the hell? That will never be funny! What does some stranger know about my character?
Your lawyer says not to worry, that no one reads these shitty on-line comics anyway.
Oh shit, are we in one now? Who the hell is writing this? Identity...fading! I can't even remember what I'm doing with this cat!
oh, he's the new star of the strip. His name is Garphield.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Hey Jesus, wanna go check out the horrible accident over there?
Sure.
Suckers.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Hey santa, check out these new rims we got for the sleigh!
Oh shit, Prancer. I don't know if you reindeer should be spending so much money souping up the sleigh.
No way, it's totally badass. Why wouldn't you want a sleigh with some shiney new rims?
Well, I do, but I kind of made the mistake of donating all of our funds to that WTC thing.
Shit, what do we have left?
Enough to either buy some bitchin' hydrolics, or toys for 8 children. Ho ho ho!

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Ho ho ho! Well hello there, Blitzen!
I'm not Blitzen, I'm Cupid.
Oh. right. Well, that was emberassing.
Ah, Cupid, if you don't mind, could you get back to detailing the sleigh? I think I'm about to be real sick.
Whatever.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
..It's all planned then, jim-we split tonight. I'm counting on you here!
?
If anyone finds out that I drank away most of the toy funds, I'm done for! ByeBye Santa, hello PokeSanta!
did you hear something?

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Hey Rudolph, have you noticed what a total psycho Santa has been lately?
No, how do you mean?
Well, he forgot my name the other day, and I've worked for him for over 150 years! He's just not making sense, and yesterday I caught him talking to a snowman!
Damn! That's wack, Blitzen.
I'm Cupid. Fucker.
Oh, right.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-11-01
Where the fuck is that snowman?!

 

by GrassyNoel
12-12-01
Well, Mr. Goblin Death Elf, I must say, I have my reservations about hiring you, mostly because of your criminal record, ..but the fact of the matter is this: we're broke. ...
..What money I didn't drink away was spent on legal services, and you're the only elf who agreed to work for something besides money.
What was it that you wanted in exchange for your duties as head elf?
Access to the Naughty and Nice surveliance files.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-12-01
Rudolph, I'm happy to introduce to you the man who will get us out of our jam..
You mean *your* jam?
Shutup. Rudolph, meet new head elf, Mr. Goblin Death Elf!
So why are we broke exactly?
Out of court settlement with Miss Eva's Massage Parlor for Dirty Elves.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-12-01
Is that you back there Goblin Death Elf?
no.
Are you going to the bathroom on that tree?
shut up.
You aren't doing what I think you are with that are you?
go away!

 

by GrassyNoel
12-12-01
Hold up, there, Mr. Goblin Death Elf! I was wondering if I could take a look in that present you've got there.
I can't let you do that, Santa.
Well, it seems that someone has been filling presents with bodily waste. Just wanted to make sure that this wasn't the big present-shortage solution you promised me.
..so, if I could just have a look at that present..
Santa, I think you need to back the fuck off.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
Hey, you little bastard, come back here!
I asked you what was in that box, and I want an answer!
Look, don't make me turn you into Brad Pitt, you elf-fucker!
You goddam Grinch-knock-off piece of shit--
okay, you leave me no choice..

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
...Santa has been turned into Brad Pitt by Mr. Goblin Death Elf!
What's inside the box?! C'mon! What's in the box, man?!
I really can't wait to see the look on your face when you find out..
..oh my god.. JOHN DOE HAS THE UPPER HAND!! I REPEAT! JOHN DOE HAS THE UPPER HAND NOW!!!!
...Meanwhile
...oh god! oh fuck!! ahh!
...her pretty little head!

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
So whatever happened with Mr. Goblin Death Elf? I thought that there was some plotline going on there..
Yeah, there was, but it wasn't really going anywhere.
So we're just going to go on and pretend that all that crazy stuff never happenned?
Right. Mr. Goblin Death Elf may show up again, but that who parody of the movie "Se7en" really painted us into a corner.
So it's not true that we don't have any toys to give anyone this Christmas?
Unfortunately that wasn't part of the sideplot. We are so broke that I've released a limitted edition "Santa saves the WTC children" collector's edition coin.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
So, you know how that stupid little poem refers to you as "8 tiny reindeer?"
Yeah. Tiny my ass!
I was thinking the same thing! I mean, you could easily get along with, say, Comet and Vixen, right?
Shit, Santa, you know we could! Some of those reindeer are dead weight. And you know what I've been saying about Prancer..
Right, good. Because I sold Comet and Vixen for venison today. In case you didn't know, 1,000,000 miles of square ice and snow doesn't pay for toys or heat.
Oh, shit. Y'know, I think Donner has been stealing Playstation 2's and selling them on E-bay.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
So, you know how that stupid little poem refers to you as "8 tiny reindeer?"
Yeah. Tiny my ass!
I was thinking the same thing! I mean, you could easily get along with, say, Comet and Vixen, right?
Shit, Santa, you know we could! Some of those reindeer are dead weight. And you know what I've been saying about Prancer..
Right, good. Because I sold Comet and Vixen for venison today. In case you didn't know, 1,000,000 miles of square ice and snow doesn't pay for toys or heat.
Oh, shit. Y'know, I think Donner has been stealing Playstation 2's and selling them on E-bay.

 

by GrassyNoel
12-13-01
WWW.AMAZON.COM! ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS NEEDS! WWW. BARNES AND NOBLES.COM!
Good news, Prancer! I've found the solution to our financial woes! I've sold a section of the framespace for our online comic to e-businesses!
You're kidding.
WWW.THEGAP.COM--GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR LOVE TO ME! WWW.AMAZON.COM! ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS NEEDS! WWW. BARNES AND NOBLES.COM! WWW.BESTBUY.COM! WWW.SEARS.COM!
No, it's great! We sit back and make money just for allowing their name to appear in our comic!
You don't think it could get out of hand?
WWW.CDNOW.COM!! ALL THE HOTTEST MUSIC! WWW.MTV.COM/STUPIDFUCKINGGAMESHOWS! WWW.THEGAP.COM--GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR LOVE TO ME! WWW.AMAZON.COM! ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS NEEDS! WWW. BARNES AND NOBLES.C
How could it get out of hand?
Are you levitating?

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
"santa@northpole.com" launches to meet gift needs for 2002!
"Dear Santa, my daddy is fighting in Afghanistan right now, and if you can make him come home safely, I'll never ask for another present ever again --jimmy"
Hey, Blitzen-- how do I change my "from:" address to "Mail Delivery Subsystem MAILER-DAEMON@northpole.com"?

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
Alright, man, it's almost fuckin' February. I am so gonna give Santa a piece of my mind.

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
Hey, there, Rudolph.. Do you know where I could find Santa Fraud?
Hey, yourself. Is my nose as red as your retinas are?
huh?
Does my fucking nose look red to you?
What do you mean by red?
I mean, I'm not drunk, and I'm not Rudolph, bitch! You're stoned and I'm Cupid you little roach!

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
Okay, Rudy, like, so.. A), does santa live here, or B) does santa not live here?
C). I didn't fucking tell you, and unless you quit calling me 'Rudolph' I'm gonna chew your balls off like so many Christmas carrots!
oh shit..
Am I at the South Pole?
These antlers are going straight up your ass.

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
Hey, buddy, are you Santa?
No, Santa's very busy, and I'm one of his helpers.
Yes, I'm Santa, and I don't care how good you've been, I can't give you any dank for Christmas.

 

by GrassyNoel
1-24-02
Okay, look, Santa: I was good as shit all year, man. I've been stealing less from work, and I hardly ever sell to kids under 16 anymore unless I know them..
I feel that I've allowed you ample time to reward me with my Christmas present, but I believe you have cheated me.
What was it you asked for, again?
A 6-foot bong shaped like Cleopatra, with attatchable hooka tubes for her tongue, her nipples, and her--
Right, I remember. For starters, where you wanted to pack the weed: we can't do that.

 

by GrassyNoel
10-01-04
So, what did you think about the debate last night?
Well, I though bush did a swell job of not throwing his own feces.
Remember the part where Kerry said he was going to hunt down the terrorists and kill them?
Yeah, that's what I call kicking it up a notch!
Do we really want to send Kerry into the war personally? He still seems way to hung up on the last one he fought in.
John Kerry fought in combat?

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