All comics by Gunslinger

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by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Oh, hi there. My name's Alex.
This is my life.
You know how they say 'all things get better in time'? Well, thats a fucking lie.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
So, why dont you tell us a bit about yourself?
What? You're me. What could I possibly have to tell you that you dont already know?
Just humor me here...
I dont see why I should.
Look, theres other people watching you, ok? You're making me look bad.
Other people watching me? You mean, like Jesus?

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
What? No, not like Jesus.
Well how do you know Jesus isn't watching me?
I...well- Thats not the point! The point is there are people watching you, so say something about yourself already!
Oh, ok...well. Um...I'm Alex!
Dumbass.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Mean, angry, horrible, cruel, hateful..all these words have been used to describe me. But the way I see it is this...
If no one makes stupid people cry and/or want to kill themselves, then they get the impression that being stupid is ok. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.
Your fly is down, by the way.
Good.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
I've never been a real emotional person. My normal state is what I would describe as "blank." Even the emotions I do get seem to be simple and rather limited.
They say our emotions are what make us human. I guess that makes me less human than everyone else.
But when you think about it, is that really a bad thing?

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
You never spend any time with me! You're always on that damn computer!
Well, maybe if you tried to be more like a perfect entertainment machine, and less like a bag of meat and water, I would spend more time with you.
Hmff!!
Women just dont get me.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Gah, women just dont get me.
So, you're saying you wish you were gay?
No, I'm just saying that women don't understand me...
Yeah...dont understand you like a big strong man would.
Uhg, apparently guys dont get me either.
I hope he doesn't hit on me once he turns gay.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
My elementary years...
Welcome to 1st grade. I'd just like to start the year off by saying: Santa does not exist, and your parents lied to you.
Aww, fuckleberries.
My highschool years...
Welcome to 9th grade. Because you're underage and have no legal rights, we're going to take advantage of you every chance we get, and generally treat you like shit.
Well whoop dee fucking doo.
My college years...
Welcome to college. You now have 5 minutes to complete this 200 question quiz that I'm not even going to give to you. It's worth 90% of your grade.
Fan-fucking-tastic.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
At the doctor's office...
Well, whats the diagnosis, doc?
I'm sorry to inform you, but the test came back. You have genital herpes.
What?! How could this be possible?!
I'm very sorry Ms. Wang.
Wait-wait-what'd you just call me?
Ms. Wang. Miss Bang Wang. Age: 86. Ethnicity: Asian.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Do I look like an 86 year old asian woman to you?
I'm not here to judge, Ms. Bang.
There is no way you can be this stupid.
I know you're upset, Ms. Bang. But going into denial is the worst thing you can do. There are treatments available, but if you dont accept that you're 86 and have genital herpes, then I cant help you.
Oh, wait. Maybe you aren't Wang Bang. It appears she's actually been dead for several years. Heh, oops!

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Ok, so lets get your correct chart....are you Ed Wankletooth?
No.
Eh Zimbabwe?
No.
Eskimo McGee?
No.

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Puff the Magic Dragon?
Well?
NO!!!

 

by Gunslinger
10-17-04
Several hours later...
Alex, we have your diagonsis. You have ulcers in your stomach like the day is long.
You sure you have MY diagnosis. And are you sure you didnt just draw a disease out of a hat?
Oh, heh, I'm not qualified to run the test.
Clearly.
I had my assistant Mark run it. He has 10 degrees in running tests of exactly this kind.
So what does this mean for me?

 

by Gunslinger
10-18-04
Basically, it's like this. You will lose entire buckets of blood every week, suffer horrible body pains, have trouble eating, and generally be miserable. For the rest of your life.
But there is some good news...
Oh?
Oh, sorry, did I say "good"? I meant bad. Bad news. More bad news.

 

by Gunslinger
10-18-04
You know all those foods you like eating?
Yeah?
Cant eat those anymore. Unless you want to die, of course.
Can I at least have a lollipop before I go?
In your state, it might kill you - heh just kidding! Well- actually-
Nevermind.

 

by Gunslinger
10-19-04
My college schedule is horrible!
Why, whats wrong with it?
It just makes no fucking sense! I have classes in the mornings, at night, several at the exact same time. I have one today at 5/10ths o' clock. I dont even know how the hell I'm supposed to get there.
I guess letting that magic 8-ball choose your classes for you wasnt such a great idea afterall.
Yeah. Who woulda thought? Well, I better get going. I have a class in 1864 that I need to get to.
Hey, if you see Lincoln, tell him I have his money, and I've totally been meaning to pay him back.

 

by Gunslinger
10-21-04
Dont trust condoms made in China.

 

by Gunslinger
10-21-04
Look, Mr. President. I'm tired of these damn rolling blackouts. I have a plan.
Uh huh, I'm listenin'.
I say we conquer France, then build a giant power plant on their country. Then use the French people as slaves to work in the overly large power plant.
Are they terrorists?
Sure.
Those SNEAKY French! I knew it! I tried to detour them with my "Freedom Fry" campaign, but now I can see the only thing that will stop them is a "Death by Explosion"...campaign.

 

by Gunslinger
12-22-04
In the Spiderman comics, Spiderman invents webshooters for himself, but in the Spiderman movie, he just grows them out of his wrists. Which is it?
Maybe it's neither. Maybe his webs are fueled solely by his pent-up sexual frustration.
You mean like, the webs are made entirely out of his man-spooge firing out under extremely high pressure?
Yeah, and he likes, weaves it into webs as he shoots them. Cause, ya know, he's half spider.
This was an actual conversation.
So that would explain why the webs are white and sticky, but how does he get them to come out from his wrist area?
I dont know, probably a tube of some sort; there to ensure a constant supply of "web-fluid" to smother his enemies in. Those poor, poor bastards...

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