All comics by Jael

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by Jael
1-24-01
Evil Helmut Lamarr decides to take over the town of Dry Gulch once and for all!
We'll fix up Dry Gulch, we'll send them a new sheriff!
Yee-haw Hedly..yer right smart! That'll get 'em
Meanwhile...in Dry Gulch
Well I hear, we're getting a new sheriff! I must get ready...for my showstopping sausage number!
Damn...I knew I should have quit the booze long enough for that job interview
Across the plains...he rode. A man with a purpose, ready to fight evil and injustice in Dry Gulch. A man...with a tan and a pink donkey.
"howdy folks! I'm yer new Sheriff...Sheriff Neal's the name!"
psst...Sheriff Neal, do ya think they've never seen a pink donkey before?

 

by Jael
1-24-01
Somewhere in Texas
I'm Shrubya...I'm the new President of the United States
Meanwhile...God's holding everyone accountable...
Don't look at me...I caught it for the Lewinsky thing
I cannot believe this...I said SMOTE...
That florida thing went well don't ya think?
Mmhmmph.

 

by Jael
1-24-01
I am the son, and the heir...
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.
Shut your mouth..how can you say...
I go about things the wrong way...
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does.

 

by Jael
1-24-01
Love
We'll stay in touch....
Is Still
Ring..damn you RING!
Hell
"you have no incoming messages...loser"

 

by Jael
1-25-01
Dum dum da dee dum dum
What? My OWN personal Jesus?
Dum dum da dee dum dum
Someone to hear my prayers?
Someone who cares?
Dum dum da dee dum dum
Hey look! Jesus to reinvent your popularity..we HAD to do a remix!
Why do you look suspiciously like a cleaned up Marilyn Manson?

 

by Jael
1-25-01
Somewhere...in pixelized land.
Where am I?
Once upon a time, Phillip you were the comic sidekick of the one they call....Jon.
Phillip? Hefeweizen...remember the Hefeweizen!
Yeah Phillip...he left you..his BEST friend!! For me...we made movies, we made money...you got squat!
psst...I really was trying to go somewhere with this.. ;)
But I have all these poptarts...why..oh ye Gods WHY?
Yours is not to question....just be kind and rewind

 

by Jael
2-14-01
I would like to tell you about a funny little thing that happened today.
This is a story bout a girl who liked a guy, but wasn't sure if he liked her back in the same way. Even though he seemed to.... so... she took a chance and gave him a small but thoughtful valentine's
Does he like me? He acts goofy....I just don't know...let me test it.
Guess what.......happened
What the hell is this shit? Do not come within 500 yards of plaintiff?

 

by Jael
2-15-01
Consider the cute and sweet squirrel....
Consider the apathetic surly teenager being inspected by the cute and sweet squirrel
Consider the rabid squirrel with the taste for human flesh nuts

 

by Jael
2-20-01
Somewhere...a lonely bug seeks solace
"I'm your Captain, I'm your captain, and return me my ship""
And reality hits the masses.....
"I'm your Captain, I'm your captain."
"and I'm feeling mighty sick"
I'm your captain..yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I'm getting closer to my home....

 

by Jael
2-23-01
Tha Hook
So, an MBA just out of MIT, And what starting salary would you B looking for?"
"In the n3ighborhood of $125,000 a y3ar, d3p3nding on the b3n3fits."
Tha Lin3
What would you say to a packag3 of 5-w33ks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full m3dical and d3ntal, company matching r3tir3m3nt fund to 50% of salary, and a company car say, a r3d Corv3tt3?
Wow!!! R U kidding?"
Tha Sink3r
C3rtainly, ...but you start3d it!
!!

 

by Jael
2-28-01
So...how's this year's crop of freshman chicks looking?
They're all right I guess....
They're all right I guess...

 

by Jael
2-28-01
So how's this year's crop of freshman chicks looking?
They're all right I guess...
Man, this year's suck. The chicks from last year were cool..they knew how to party!
You are so going to get busted Wooderson. I know this for a FACT!
That's what I like about them high school girls man...I get older...they stay the same age.

 

by Jael
3-26-01
Once upon a time...in college....
Must call Gabe and Obijo about the party tonight
A few rupies slipped into Jael's drink later...
Obijo! I think she's looking rather sick! I just don't get it!
Gabe, do that funny thing with the bar graphs. That'll really get her!
Oh Jael...Jael we hardly knew ye.
Hey Obi...do you have any cash on you? The mortician doesn't take checks.

 

by Jael
3-26-01
My name is Russell, I will someday star in a hit movie, I am practicing my scowl for the Oscar's.
I look exactly like my mother, Goldie Hawn. I won Best Supporting Actress and married Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes...yet I feel..vaguely dissatisfied.
I really should have won "Best Picture"
Bjork just gave my whole genus a very bad name. And what was with that egg laying thing on the red carpet?
Julia Roberts runs afoul of the stickman.
I see you Stickman, just let me talk....And I want to thank...the whole world I love you!!
You're time is SERIOUSLY UP!

 

by Jael
3-30-01
And so...the horrific soap opera music pipes in
Yes, Nurse Mary, it is me....Agent Scully. And I'm quite uncomfortable as you can plainly see.
Well follow me Scully, I know how rough those anal probes can be
Rough...yeah..that's it. It was completely hare raising for me.
Meanwhile...back at the ranch
Dagnabbit Jethro! I told you that FBI agent was up to no good! You never listen!
Hey! She's the one that wanted to kiss me between the ears! How was I to know she meant....

 

by Jael
4-03-01
Somewhere in Colorado
I'd like a job. Mr. Billings referred me.
I umm...err...can you wait here one moment?
Meanwhile, at the remote telstimulation radiowave implant secret location.
Yes, yes....ah yes...BEAUTIFUL!!! We are infiltrating his mind perfectly!
I told those fools they forgot the 6 at the end of Phillips 66
Arapahoe County career criminal Pigs win again!
We have a slight problem Mr. Obijo. Mr. Billings apparently referred a Mr. J. Rowland for a position here. And I must say..he's a bit..."out there"
What are you thinking!! Send him in! Right away! He's perfect!!

 

by Jael
4-04-01
Cue dramatic theme music...
You mean as in cereal??
Well you see, I'm no ordinary robot. NosirreeBob! I am Model Number OU812. And I worked in special ops for the General Mills Corporation.
I wanted something worthwhile, something that made me feel like I was contributing something! So I did, a little piece of me in every box. Alas, had I only known what my actions would have spawned.
One day I was bored. I mean shaking boxes of sugar laden cereal to settle the contents can do that to you..
Dramatic drum roll

 

by Jael
4-04-01
I was no ordinary robot, nosirreebob! I am model number OU812. I was special ops for the General Mills Corporation.
Morning O! How's it clanging this morning?
sounds a bit hollow to tell ya the truth Clango.
I wanted something worthwhile, something that made me feel like I was contributing something! So I did, a little piece of me in every box. Alas, had I only known what my actions would have spawned.
Warning! Warning! Systems overload, foreign material detected!
What happened then, was a catastrophe of unexplainable proportions. However, a pitched I plan to Marketing to save my ass....And Booberry was born.
Look! He floats, he glows, he's scary! Kids will eat this right up!
Daddy?

 

by Jael
4-06-01
gabe_ and Obi
Sitting in a tree...
f - e - l - c
h- i - n - g!
I just don't think this is going to work out gabe. You just aren't funny enough for me anymore. I'm strangely drawn to wirthling and evil_d
But, Obi you adore me! Who else can bend and twist things the way I do? Look at my tumescent manhood! See it's glory! SEE IT!

 

by Jael
4-11-01
Don't read this comic!
Hello, we aren't funny!
Nope...not at all!
Because it's the #1 comic and an inside joke!
In fact we are so lacking in humor, that we resort to dire consequences
for our #1 comics inspiration
We really meant it...you didn't listen!
WOOKY Laffypuss!
What? You thought I was going to mention some lurid erotic encounter with gabe_billings and his harem of he/she toonist's??

 

by Jael
4-11-01
In this issue, we are going to show you how to drive Obsessive Compulsive people crazy.
Oh this is going to be good!
Lesson 1: The Germ Infested Door Handle
While it's okay to show your underwear, never ever, touch the door with your hands. Always use your feet.
The best way to thwart this, remove all papertowels in the vicinity, and grease the handle with vasoline.
Lesson 2: The Confetti Caper
Take one of those big bags of confetti or shredded glitter. Walk around your OCD's workplace or home, and sprinkle it all over the place. Be careful not to get caught!
Then watch in amazement as they go insane trying to pick up each individual piece. For extra added fun, hide their vacuum cleaner and broom!

 

by Jael
4-13-01
Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction finds a comrade in the One Note stable.
Hi There! I'm Garrulous Gabe, I'm new around these parts.
fresh meat.....
Why thanks Dr. Pedantic! For that fine lesson in semantics.
Garrulous meaning: given to prosy, rambling, or tedious loquacity: pointlessly or annoyingly talkative.
Garrulous Gabe Gets A Bum Rape..um RAP!
Wow, consider the daffodil...*oof* HEY! What was your name again??
You're sitting on it Gabe! Who's your daddy?

 

by Jael
4-17-01
I'm aroused. Very aroused.
You look aroused.
very aroused
My daddy is Bill Clinton, who the hell do you think you are?
Just a squirrel, trying to get a nut.

 

by Jael
4-23-01
Today, I decided to stoop to a level of funny, the likes of such that has never been seen!
Dear Contest Guy, I think the funniest thing to see would be something perverted and disgusting happen to one of the forum regulars.
Tabor Billings!!! RAAR

 

by Jael
5-07-01
Dear Mr. Billings, We regret to inform you that your script for "Pedantic Felchmonkeying Robo Babes 2001" is not quite what we had in mind for the Sundance Network.
Shut up DexX!
I TOLD You Gabe!
The regulars try to help.
Well Gabe, I personally think you're in a rut. I mean come on, how many jokes can there be about Wirthling anyway?
Shut up Jael!
And fail miserably again.
And now kids, our special screening of the flaming hot new indie film...."
"Dog on A Ball: The Real John Wayne Gacy Story" AGAIN??? Oh man!

 

by Jael
5-15-01
Gabe and ObiJo
Love is....ObiJo
Love is...Gabe? Wirthling? Dexx? I'm such a slut! I can't make up my mind!
Wirthling and Nietzche
Love is... my screaming posts! ASSHOLE!
Love is death
Jael and Jesus
Love is...putting a spike through descolada's temple if I don't win a contest this time!
Smote it baby! SMOTE IT!

 

by Jael
6-13-01
One halloween night...I was bored and slightly ripped.
Hey! Roomie has a Ouija board...those things are so fake. I think I'll prove my subconscious theory!
I'm the family kitten, however, due to budgetary measures, I must look like a squirrel in this strip
After jacking around for a few minutes...things got strange.
D-U-C-K? What the fuck? There's no Ducks. I knew you were a stupid piece of shit!
mrrowr? *bolt* hide*
to be continued......
Where's that damn cat of ours?
insert insane growling noises and hissing here

 

by Jael
6-13-01
One halloween night...I was bored and slightly ripped.
Hey! Roomie has a Ouija board...those things are so fake. I think I'll prove my subconscious theory!
I'm the family kitten, however, due to budgetary measures, I must look like a squirrel in this strip
After jacking around for a few minutes...things got strange.
D-U-C-K? What the fuck? There's no Ducks. I knew you were a stupid piece of shit!
mrrowr? *bolt* hide*
to be continued......
Where's that damn cat of ours?
insert insane growling noises and hissing here

 

by Jael
6-14-01
Imagine if you will, horror flick running on the tv, Jael is sufficiently tired of Ouija board and decides to have a beer and watch tv.
Next on USA's UP ALL NIGHT - The Horror Edition: Carrot Top, The love of a lifetime
oh crikey!
Jael jumps ten feet into the air as the silence is broken.....
*brrrrring*
GOOD GAWD IT'S 2 AM...who the HELL is calling me!!! That better not be Gabe! If I have to pick up his heroin soaked ass again I'm gonna dump him at the Methadone clinic.
to be continued.....
MRRRROWR!...Hissssss! click.,
Fooferkitty? Quit doing that you're freaking me OUT!

 

by Jael
6-14-01
Jael goes away for good.
This is where Jael tries to pretend she's funny and artistic....
but she's not.
Seriously! She really means it this time!
I mean come on...how artistic can one be doing pre-fabricated cartoons?
Everyone else can, but her. I think she's just more creative thinking "outside of the box."
You just wait bucko! You'll see!
I think she needs a reality check....but I'm afraid it would bounce.
No, she needs severe doses of mind altering hallucinogens.

 

by Jael
11-10-01
And the apocolypse is ushered in
Did ya hear the news? Jael's back....
Yeah?
The comic characters react...
Oh god save us!!!
I'll end this now....
And well....some things never change...
Pull my finger.....
Gee Gabe..I would, but my hand is stuck in my hair.

 

by Jael
11-23-01
Jael gets bored....
This hair...my god...it's so dull and lifeless. I must do something
Introducing the NEW and Improved Giblet Hair Tonic!
Giblet Hair Tonic!!! ALRIGHTTTT!!! How much? HOW MUCH!!!!
Only $399.95...and available today only! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by Jael
12-01-01
Christmas in the Millenium.
And our next play is entitled: "What if the 3 Wisemen were the 3 Wise Women"
As portrayed by the Female Emancipation Little Children's Habitat..aka FELCH
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, and helped deliver the baby.
Good point Zoe, not to mention they would have cleaned the stable, brought practical gifts, and cleaned the stable.
But what would they have said as they left?
OOOH....that's in the next act!

 

by Jael
12-01-01
And now we listen in on the Wise Women.....
Want to bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?
That baby doesn't look ANYTHING like Joseph!
And that donkey they were riding has seen better days too...
And what was Mary thinking? Wearing those sandals with that gown??
Did you see that drummer boy?? He can beat MY drum anytime!!
Virgin, my ass!!! I knew her in school!!

 

by Jael
12-06-01
Gee....really? I was going that fast??? Are you sure your little gun there isn't a dud?
But...I DID pay that ticket...it's not my fault that asshole Judge Yeoman's buttplug shorted out and he was cranky that day in court.
I'm a teacher normally, I was setup though. Do you want to get married when I get out of here?
GUARD!!!

 

by Jael
12-09-01
Older than God HMO doctors in your plan.
Gabe, I'm sorry it's come to this, but you're fingers have swelled to the size of bratwurst. I'm afraid I have to amputate
Listen Doc, for the last time I said..nocturnal TRANSMISSIONS!
That last bad acid trip...
OOh Spankling is that a herring in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Indeed....and it's wearing earmuffs too!
Comic contests....
Sorry Tobor, no way around it I'm afraid...the rules say "certificate."
TOBOR CORNHOLE FUZZYMAN!! RAAAAAAAAAR!

 

by Jael
12-11-01
Correctional Facility Counselor
Job skills? Honey, I can slap a condom on a man quicker than yer momma spread her legs for your pop! What the #$&*@ kinda job skills do ya think I have honey?
Admissions Counselor at an Art School
This IS my portfolio!! YOU cannot define MY ART! I AM a SERIOUS artist! More galleries show my bodily fluid art than I bet you've stepped foot in girlie!
Human Resources
Hey little lady, I was reading the employee handbook, and it says that I'm not allowed to have a weapon on the premises. Now, does that mean in the building or can still leave the gun in my truck?

 

by Jael
12-13-01
Did you hear??? Gabe was found this morning...at the North Pole, with his KIDNEYS removed, bald, and packed in snow!
No way!! How the hell could that have happened?
Flashback.....
Would you like another cup of my special rumby jumby sick and stumbly punch young man?
Sure! Tschis schtuff ish aweshome! My head feels kind of cold though.
Later that night....
I just left him there. The snow will keep him nice and still until someone finds him!
Great work Rudolph! I sure as hell wasn't sure how I was going to get little Kevin Keegan a new kidney AND a perm! I'm so glad you found that site on the Internet. Maybe it's not so useless after all!

 

by Jael
1-20-02
Nice to meet you finally Crabby.
Nice to meet you finally DexX.
Thank GOD! Spankling! I'm so happy to see you!
Erk!

 

by Jael
1-21-02
Umm...a little help here??
No problemo, be back in a second.
WASH -N- WASH -N WASH!! WORKED FOR ME!

 

by Jael
2-04-02
Somewhere in Scotland...the nastiest toilet known to man awaits....
Christ, I haven't felt that good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.
Friends somewhat try an intervention.
I do appreciate what you're trying to do, I really do, but I need just one score, to ease myself off it. Just one. Just one.
Well, this is a good laugh, you fucking useless bastard. Go on, sweat that shite out of your system, because if I come back and it's still there, I'll fucking kick it out.
Relinquishing junk. Stage One: (repeat until end of movie)
Items Needed: 1 room you will not leave, mattress, 10 tins of tomato soup, 8 tins of mushroom soup, ice cream, milk of magnesia
Porn, 2 buckets, television, valium, vitamins, mineral water and a dead baby crawling across the ceiling.

 

by Jael
3-25-02
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
You're wondering who I am-machine or mannequin? I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin. My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
I'm not a robot without emotions-I'm not what you see I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free.
I am the modren man, who hides behind a mask. So no one else can see my true identity
Domo! Domo! The time has come at last, to throw away this mask. So everyone can see, my true identity!
I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!

 

by Jael
3-25-02
~Guitar Riff~
Photograph?
I don't want your photograph!
Photograph?
I don't need your.....photograph!
All I got is a photograph!
Look what you've done to this rock and roll clown!

 

by Jael
3-25-02
but she blinded me with science
And failed me in biology
I don't believe it! There she goes again! She's tidied up, and I can't find anything!!
All my tubes and wires, and careful notes. And antiquated notions!
"Good heavens Miss Sakamoto - you're beautiful!"
"I can hear machinery!"

 

by Jael
8-25-02
The Lurking Death
Organized Religion was Right
The new tech job
I can't check my email, is the internet on?
I took a $20k paycut for this???

 

by Jael
8-25-02
So....whatcha think of my new character for Faire?
"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" Oh gods....
No, seriously!!! You think I should get a LOTR sword to match??
I'm feeling sick to my stomach, don't wake me until next year!
Oh GREAT it works!! *hop skip* I can't wait to terrorize the mundanes!!
How about terrorizing them now...on the freeway. Its rush hour!

 

by Jael
8-25-02
Whatcha doin?
Not much, just jacking around on the computer....
Isketch.net....stripcreator forums...Bigbrother 3 live feeds...check
This coming from a man who insists on wearing a costume to the bar...
Oh! You're on that Cartoon site? UGH I HATE THAT SITE..its sooo not funny!

 

by Jael
8-26-02
Archie, I told you after you hibernated for 6 months you'd expel a giant butt plug? We talked about this remember? Now do it for me..for MEEE!
Whoah Doc!! I thought you were just kidding...?
And a horrific sound was heard across the forest
Any way the wind blows....

 

by Jael
1-11-04
I believe in a thing called love
just listen to the rhythm of my heart
Touching meeeeeeee. Touching YOUUUU...
Oooh shit..not again.

 

by Jael
1-12-04
A story...about a Scotsman
So hear us roar the mighty Scottish, we're tougher than Bruce Lee.
You can keep Margaret Thatcher and the Sheep of Orkney. We’ve got the Glasgow Celtics and Billy Connley
Who chooses...
We sing and dance and sing some more. We’ll drink until we end up on the floor.
We like the girls with rug burns on their knees, They’re pale and freckled and free of disease.
Audience Participation...
Please sir, I'd like to buy the "Dirty little bitches of Scotland" t-shirt
http://www.strangeheart.com/

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