All comics by Kurashima

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by Kurashima
9-14-01
The Situation
I just want to party all the time , party all the time
He parties too much. I cant get a decent shag nowadays.
The Ultimatum
Oh shit. Im too drunk to get it up .....
Nod , i want sex0red , now. Quit drinking and Service me.
The Solution
CYB0R!
CYB0R!

 

by Kurashima
9-14-01
Ive decided that TPE is now shit. We have to disband and reform under a new name.
Does this mean i cant rub butter on my nipples and claim to be smarter than everyone?
No , thats still acceptable. You simply have to say thats its not acceptable for others anymore as its not 'in'
Excellent. The world stock markets are collapsing , so i bought a small dairy farm in Devon.
Saytan , will you rub butter on my nipples?
I thought youd never ask , Big Boy.

 

by Kurashima
9-14-01
I dunno what to do. All the women mock my small penis size.
They dont mock mine. Then again , i dont wish to be used as a furry dildo ever again ....not like last time
Ive heard that a sheeps ass is as tight and warm as a womens vagina ... can you help me test this?
Heh. Ill put this guy onto some scottish farmer , and ill be in the money.
Youre a sheep , arent you?
Im sorry. I just felt a psychic emanation. My mother has died. Goodbye

 

by Kurashima
9-15-01
Y'Know , this evil incarante thing isnt fun anymore. I need to get away from it all. Do something different.
Well Hey , if you want a break from it all , theres this really neat game called 'Planetarion'
and what would i be doing with that exactly
Well , you build a planet , and steal peoples roids , and create bad feeling with the other 175,000 people playing , all for the sake of internet bragging rights.
Sounds too much like what i do just now
Did i mention theyve decided to charge you money for it as well ....

 

by Kurashima
9-15-01
I contemplated suicide after WaC Died. Im so happy to have found sanctuary in your new alliance Forest.
Dont mention it . Were always recruiting the very best players in PA history. So , what did you do in WaC?
Well , Basically , i pretended to be in a powerful alliance , massaged a set of egos that believed themselves to be invincible , and gave oral sex to anyone who asked in channel.
Hmmmmmm
I think youll fit right in here.
I specialise in pretending to be the Gimp from Pulp Fiction. Im glad i get a chance to use that talent finally.

 

by Kurashima
9-15-01
Once , JUST ONCE IN MY MISERABLE GRASS EATING EXISTENCE!
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH A DAY WITHOUT BEING ARSE RAPED BY TORZ.
Torz Arrives
Lo. Turn around and brace yourself my pretty.
There must be more than life than this.

 

by Kurashima
9-15-01
Dissention in the Ranks
Pat , when we joined Tuba , we were all supposed to be like , respected , and wed get all the hot chicks .... where did it all go wrong?
Lokken my friend , calm down. The chicks will come. The beer will flow. Tuba will once again be a mighty alliance
How? What can you possibly do to regain us our spot as the number 1 alliance in planetarion. Weve tried everything we could.
I have a masterplan. A stroke of genius so cunning , that not even the most trained Minds in PA could see it coming.
Youre Resigning?
No , im appointing JBOY as a Battle Commander.

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
Game practices his Chat Up Technique
Hey There. Im Kev. They call me "The Game" because i always score.
Hello. Im Theamion's sister , Queen.
Game Closes the Deal
Y'Know , theres a spot for you in my thoughts right now ....and in my bed if you want it.
I dont know if my brother would let me ..... but ok. Just close your eyes , and ill give you something special.
Theres a horrible feeling of Deja Vu.
Im ready for my surprise.
And boy are you going to get one.

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
Hi. I Represent GLX. We are the future of Planetarion , and we want to form an alliance with legion for round 5. We think we have everything we need to be a part of the new triad
Oh shit. Wheres that kickban button.
We have over 30 members ,and theyve all played the whole of round 4 , and we even know who Nodrog is
Ahhh , there it is
Thank fuck for that. Now to go hunt down G-II

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
PBOT hatches a plan
PBOT , i know weve had our differences , but maybe you can speak to spinner , y'know , get this ban on me lifted from IRC. I mean , Everyone Loved Me. I was THE bot.
Hmmm. Evilroid seems desperate , i wonder what i can get out of this.
Evilroid gives in
Id Give anything , ANYTHING , to get back on there
Would you give me complete access to all your commands , a new server to be hosted on , and nightly sex with Snow?
PBOT Celebrates
Shit , you drive a hard bargain ....
Yeh , and Snow drives even harder,. and im glad hes going to drive it into you from now on.

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
Spinner and Vish Discuss Round 5
DUDES!!!!!!!!! Look man , once ive mastered this trick , im gonna try and work out another Roidcap.
Spinner get down from there before you hurt yourself. I am not going to bandage you up again after the last time you tried balancing the servers on your nose.
And then , im going to design a new ship that fires before everything else , kills 1000 battleships a tick , and costs no eonium to launch
That could take me 6 years to code Spinner. Do you ever give a thought to these things?
Do i tweak things too much?
Next time we create a mascot , i swear we are getting a kitten.

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
Spinner is having Marital problems
Nod , my wife doesnt understand me anymore. She used to think i was great and wonderful because i made lots of money , but since things went tits up at the end of Round 3 , she treats me like a leper.
Jenny thinks im obsessed with PA , and roidcaps , and shipstats , and posting on GD. Why cant she see the normal , balanced , sexy guy within .......
"The Nodrog Manouever"
How do i persuade her to love me like she used to ..... she wont even fill my waterbowl at night anymore.
Spinner , i have the answer. Its because you havent implemented my idea of a roidcap at 20% for fleets of larger than.*blah*blah*blah*blah*
You really think that itll work?
Itll make you more attractive than Lassie. I guarantee it.

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak
Tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak , tweak
Spinner , what are you doing?
erm , nothing ...
FUDGE , GET THE STRAIGHTJACKET. HES TWEAKING AGAIN!

 

by Kurashima
9-16-01
Ladies and Gentlemen , i present to you ......the one , the only , the original , PIGGYBACKING BUG!
Piggybacking? Im a fucking cockroach
Thats right folks. I want you to pay to play planetarion so you too can experience the joys of having someone steal all the roids on your attacks.
Kid , you dont realise it yet , but youre so much bugfood.
BURP!

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Furys Recruitment Crisis Worsens
Dammit. Fury recruitment isnt going nearly as well as normal. People wont pay money just to be my personal army. This is a near disaster.
Sid , Sid , calm down. You have to understand that other alliances are suffering the same problem. Its not just us you know.
Wolfbabe offers Moral support
This cant be happening to me. I was just voted PA's greatest ever personality. People love me for gods sake.
Sid , they still love you. Those who are joining will give you blood , sweat and tears for fury. Youll have your little toy army back.
Will they shine my head on command like Idler used to do?
Sid , im sure theyll shine your helmet if you ask.

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Messiah Congratulates Mer on her Appointment
Like , wow , i mean , im like , a mod again. I never thought i would get this level of power .......
well , what can i say Mer. Youre mature , balanced , and when i needed someone to moderate , i instantly thought of you.
Mer offers "Special Services"
I mean , is there anything special i can do for you Messiah. I mean , you know , like , special stuff and all.
Well , you know , there was just one thing i was really hoping youd say yes to , but i dont know if i should ask.
Like , of course Messiah, Anything you want , just name it dude.
Can you tell Spinner i need to go potty? he wont let me leave the computer in case pavil posts and i have to delete his account.

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Hmmm. A little tweak to the roidcap here , a little adjustment to cloaked ship initiative there , i wonder ..........yes , why not. I should introduce a nuke that kills your opponents entire fleet .
Yes , that should be enough to Keep nodrog off my back for at least a week. I might even get a 'pld' from him on the boards
I have this horrible feeling he wont throw sticks for me to chase when i tell him what ive done.
Spinner , after 3 weeks of work , i finally got the game ready to go.

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
I couldve had a good life. I couldve been normal. i could have had friends. Where did it all go wrong Forest
Messiah , you have to understand. Deep down , you always wanted to be a board mod. You always wanted the power and dominion over others.
But people hate me now. It was bad enough being hated in the north of Scotland. Now im hated as far away as Australia.
Theres always a positive side to this. If youre angry , take it out on those around you. Make sure you make their lives a living hell.
Is that what you did with reborn?
No , its what Sid did to us , but thats beside the point.

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
I am CAPTAIN PLANETARION! Defender of Roids , General of the Armies of Spinneria
Zeus , take that stupid outfit off. Goddamit , that is not the PR we want for the game
Oreo , you do your job , and ill do mine .....need i remind you of the slammer.com
Zeus , i swear , if you mention that just one more time , im going to beat you so bad , they wont be able to identify you with dental records.
Good thing i didnt mention the fact his pants are on back to front.
And if you say anything about my underwear ......

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Marilyn Defines The Very Source of His Being
"All your misdirected teenage goth angst are belong to me". Dont i just have the greatest catchphrase
Dude , what does "misdirected teenage goth angst" actually mean anyway?
Hey , it sounded good when i thought of it.
And why did i appoint you a mod again?

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Spinner heads down to the basement for another bottle of Wine.
WTF? Who the hell are you , and what are you doing in the bowels of PAHQ
SPINNER! Finally you have found us. We are a group of Danish Refugees , who stole your source code in round 2 and have remained hidden in here ever since.
You stole our source code?
Thats right , and weve been hiding here replaying round 2 on 10 second ticks ever since. So , how is Planetarion going now? Are Thieves still as fantastic as ever
Now , if i can just reach my gun without them becoming suspicious
We heard you were going to develop a cloaked version of the thief for round 3. How did that work out?

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Its Pablissimo , The Beatnik Guerrila Kangaroo
I just want to be
Me
Crazy.

 

by Kurashima
9-17-01
Hi There Citizen. I represent PLANETARION , the greatest real time space combat game in existence
Zeus , its me , Forest. Dont you remember me , i used to be a bigshot in Reborn.
No Citizen. I dont recognize you , but i do recognize the greatness of Spinner , and the enormity of his creation , PLANETARION!
Zeus , come back to us man. You were once a player like us. You must remember the sleepless nights , the 2am attacks ....
What is this sleep you speak of? My body runs on EONIUM now.
CAN SOMEBODY GET ME DR KEVORKIAN ON THE PHONE!

 

by Kurashima
9-18-01
Zeus. PA's new round has started. We have thousands of signups , and a player base desperate to get a really good round out of us.
So , what does this have to do with me Spinner. I mean , i do PR for the game.
Well , you see Zeus , thats where you fulfil a crucial part of the round. A task so incredibly important that i cant entrust it to anyone else.
I am your man Spinner. You can count on me , i am CAPTAIN PLANETARION. I am a one man PR machine
When i tell him hes going to be responsible for buying my dog biscuits , hes going to go postal on me.
Ive got Saatchi and Saatchi on the phone. We can have a national billboard campaign up and running by the end of the week.

 

by Kurashima
9-20-01
Messiah . I just worked out that Jumpgates can be used with a 31.34563634% probability of scoring guaranteed roids against *blah*blah*blah*
Nod. Seriously man. Shut the fuck up
WTF? Messiah , weve been mates for ages. What the fuck are you getting on my case for now.
Nod , i share a country with you , but youve systematically bored me to tears for 4 rounds now. Dont you ever shut up , even if its just to sleep or eat?
*sniff* I thought you liked me
Yeh , well , i thought sex with Spinner would be great until i realised i was on the recieving end.

 

by Kurashima
9-20-01
Right. Its time we here in TPE organised something new for all the sheep on the GD boards to feel in awe about
What do you suggest? I mean , we havent done anything memorable in over a year now. People dont respect us anymore
I suggest we reinvent ourselves as the saviours of the game , giving well thought out reasons as to why the game is suffering just now , and how to fix it.
Give out positive advice? Doesnt that go against everything that TPE stands for?
We could end all the sentences in 'cock'.
Genius. I'll have Paul2 start spamming immediately.

 

by Kurashima
9-20-01
Guys and Gals. we here at Fifth Season , after months of beta Testing , are proud to present to you , our first ever Pay to Play round.
Featuring fantastic new features such as the jumpgate , and with a balanced Science/War set of ships. We feel that nobody can possibly gain outright dominance as we have seen in the last few rounds
I even included my new "Abuse Spinner" command for when you cant log on and your fleet is getting slaughtered.
That settles it. Im trading him in for a Hamster.

 

by Kurashima
9-21-01
hello , and welcome to 'Paviltarion'. Based on the popular internet game 'Planetarion'. Please note this game cannot be played by you , as you are not called Pavil , nor will you ever be.
The object of this game is slightly different. To win , you require to steal 'Pld' comments off GD board threads , and score laughs from other users by being 'unique' , witty , and otherwise superior.
I have reached the "Radiohead" degree of this game , whereby i can now claim to win without even being funny. Were i to make the effort , i could possibly reach the 'Jamie Oliver' level of winning.

 

by Kurashima
9-21-01
Torz decides to Leave Wolfpack
Guys. I have had time to think on this , and im going to leave Wolfpack for pastures new.
Torz , NO!. You cannot desert us in our hour of Need. Weve lost so many key players. How can we possibly survive round 5.
Well , you could go and recruit from all the people leaving NoS
you mean *ulp* speak to people who dont play PA as if every second of their lives depended on it?
And if that fails , you can ally with Tuba
I DONT THINK I WANT TO HEAR THAT KIND OF TALK FROM YOU YOUNG MAN!

 

by Kurashima
9-23-01
Wolfbabe thaws out Sid after his Cryogenic Freezing in Round 4
So , how have my plans for world domination gone during my cryogenic freezing?
Sid , its gone fantastically. We have caused WP to split , weve killed off a host of experienced players , and we cloned you.
Wolfbabe Spells it out
You CLONED me?
Well , we tried. There were a few problems with the process , but we created someone with almost identical physical characteristics. Alas , hes developed an unhealthy obsessions with Fury Jr Members.
O.M.F.G.
You complete me Mini .........Deadmeat?
Sid , come , let us discuss plans for world domination , hair restoration , and how to get a guest spot on "The Tweenies"

 

by Kurashima
9-28-01
Son , ive had a thought. Its time i gave up being God. Ive decided to retire to a little chalet in Switzerland. I even prepared the spare room for you for when you come to visit.
DAD. For fucks sake. Youre the creator of existence. You cant just up and leave.
Ive made up my mind son. Ive organised a replacement though. Hes sensible , religious , and offered to do the job for no money.
Bill Gates? Prince Charles? George Bush? Dad , please tell me you chose the pope .......
OH BOY OH BOY. Have you heard of planetarion? Its wonderful , it brings joy to so many , and now i can spread it to EVERYONE in the world with a thought. I may even manage to get a roid cap they like
*sigh*

 

by Kurashima
10-11-01
Technical Problems
The game will be down for 10 minutes while we make a minor adjustment
Translation : The game will be down for 2 hours while we try and remember our passwords.
End User Agreements
We have made some minor adjustments to the end user agreement.
Translation : Weve covered our asses now. And theres nothing you can do about it.
PA Crew
I have faith in everyone in PA crew. They have a hard job , but they do it well.
Translation : I cant afford the severance pay to get decent people in to do this job.

 

by Kurashima
10-11-01
Well , the round seems to be running smoothly now. Multi-ing abounds , plenty of farmers , and an end user agreement that really is watertight.
Yeh . Weve pretty much thought of everything.
This brings back memories of round 2.
Yeh , its great , but of course , theres one thing it hasnt got that round 2 had.
If you mention Thieves , im giving your job to Nodrog.
I didnt say a word. No no no , not me , nope.

 

by Kurashima
10-11-01
So i said to him "Thats not a memory stick , thats Fudges penis"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Spinner , what the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Kurashima
10-15-01
Zeus , this new SMS feature is perfect. We can make a fortune from it , and the players all love the idea
Yes Commander Spinner. Theres just a few dissenting voices from the US. Nothing to worry about.
Problems?
Yes Sir. Theres apparently been messages from all the players in the US saying they cant use SMS features.
We have players in America? Why wasnt i told about this.
You asked us not to bother you with anything trivial Sir.

 

by Kurashima
10-16-01
Kurashima is now characterized.
Dear Kurashima. Will you please stop portraying me as a Dog on a Ball. Im a successful entrepreneur with a long running company,
And Stop parodying my staff as people who cant work with me or are mentally deficient. Theyre all highly trained individuals in their field.
Hello , Police. Yes , hes still sending me threatening mail. No , i checked , theres no traces of white powder this time.

 

by Kurashima
10-19-01
I hear reports the military screen is down again Citizen Vish
Yeh . Its odd. We installed new servers yesterday . They were working fine. I cant understand it .....
Well , im sure that those Adjustments Spinner was making have nothing to do with it ...
Adjustments? Zeus , did you let him tweak unsupervised?
SPINNER!
Look , look , i told you i could balance an entire server on my nose!

 

by Kurashima
10-24-01
Marilyn Manson v Denial
Fear me and my AWESOME board modding powers
Fear me and my amazing IRC scripting abilities.
SUPER LEAPING DULLNESS ATTACK!
SUPER LEAPING DULLNESS ATTACK!
Yes folks , the tension is unbearable.

 

by Kurashima
10-24-01
Tum-te-tum .....oh , hello Zeus. Problems?
Yes Sir Captain Spinner Sir. The Servers have lost all internet connection.
ALL connection? How on earth did this happen. Right when peoples battleticks are about to take place.
Chello say they broke a Router in Stockholm
Meantime , in Stockholm.
YAY! Right , im going to show spinner how it SHOULD be done.

 

by Kurashima
10-24-01
ZEUS. You Imbecile. Thats not a broken Router. Nodrog has taken over the PA servers.
This is a sad day for Planetarion sir. What do we do now?
Meanwhile , back in Stockholm.
now , 'insert_thieves' , 'insert_cargoes' , 'remove_tarantulas' ...la de da de da.
Zeus, hes running this better than we do.
And we dont have to pay him either. Hmmmmm

 

by Kurashima
10-24-01
Jenny. Im so glad i found you. We need to talk.
Oh , morning Spinner. erm , talk about what?
Nodrog has taken over our servers. We need you to negotiate with him .
Nod has taken over your servers? ....pffttfffttttttBWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I had really hoped youd be more sympathetic to my plight.
Im still amazed Nod found the handle to the door of my bedroom this morning.

 

by Kurashima
10-24-01
Jenny Negotiates for the safe return of the servers.
Gordon , its Jenny. Look , i know you want the game to be fun like it was in round 2, but this isnt the way to go about it.
Im not coming out. I have enough food here to last me till round 6.
Well , can i come in there with you please. I want to snuggle.
Of course you can ....oh, wait ....
Someday , he might present a challenge for me to get around.

 

by Kurashima
10-28-01
I have here a letter from a young dutchman named "Theamion"
He says "My Father has demanded i stop playing planetarion , or hes going to throw me out of the house. Is there anything you can do for me"
Well Theamion. Take hope in the thought that , as bad as things are .....at least you wont be in NoCeX anymore.

 

by Kurashima
10-29-01
Nod is jailed for taking over the servers.
Oh god Oh god Oh God oh God . Im in PRISON. Jenny . Help me.
Sorry Gordon. Its finally over. One stupid action too many. Sex was good , but im not waiting around for you to get out.
but .....but.....but.....
Nope. Im outta here. I have Yahweh lined up to solve my every problem. Ciao Loser.
Oh well. At least it cant get any worse.
Unhand me villainous Guard. I have committed no Crime.

 

by Kurashima
10-29-01
ZEUS? What on earth are you doing in here.
Its a mistake Citizen Nod. Theyve accused me of a crime i have not committed.
Like what , crimes against the English language? *snigger*
Dont be so ridiculouse Citizen Nod. Theyve accused me of Murdering Pavil.
You? A Murderer?
Just because i have his head on a stick at my desk doesnt prove a damned thing.

 

by Kurashima
10-29-01
Right. Ground Rules. I get the top bunk. You sleep on the bottom.
I think not Citizen Nod. After all , Youd be much safer on the bottom bunk.
And how do you figure this?
Well , my body runs on radioactive eonium. The gas travels upwards and could choke you in your sleep.
What youre saying is , you have a chronic case of wind.
Nod , i could choke a donkey without a second thought.

 

by Kurashima
10-29-01
This Trial is a mockery. Theres no evidence. No body. No witnesses.
Theres no motive. I move for the whole trial to be dismissed immediately.
Zeus , all i asked was whether or not you had dropped the soap in the showers this morning.

 

by Kurashima
11-15-01
Sid , both our members are sitting around bored. Theres nobody worthwhile left to fight except each other.
I agree Rampage. The logical course of action is for Legion and Fury to fight , and may the best alliance win .....
Of course , we could just drop Elysium instead
And you know , i never liked Wolfpack that much.

 

by Kurashima
11-15-01
YES! Ive finally reintroduced Thieves and Pirates. People love me again!
Spinner , its true theyre back , and the beta is going well , but we shouldnt get overconfident.
What can possibly go wrong. Ive done everything asked of me. Even Nodrog is being nice about things
Well , thats not QUITE true. He did say yesterday he thought this was "The last actions of a dying company"
Why do i think that "Spank the Spinner" is the only game thats going to make him happy.
He also said that.

 

by Kurashima
11-15-01
Well Lokken. Despite all our best efforts , BlueTuba is but a passing memory.
Yes Pat. We did our best , but eventually , in fighting and poor recruitment choices meant we were forced to split.
Well , im going to try and form a splinter alliance now , since i pissed off every other alliance during my HC reign. What about you.
Well , i always fancied just taking it easy , not really playing , and just watching the game pass me by.
So youll be joining legion then
They even have a creche for Tiddles.

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