All comics by Lorno

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by Lorno
4-29-07
RBS just arrives at his favorite dive bar on karaoke night
Time to get shmammerd....ok order a glass of gold shlager...enjoy karaoke
Goose is singing RBS's favorite Rod Stewart song,needless to say with the Stewart and the booze RBS is putty in Goose's hands
Wake up maggie I think I got something to say to you.....
More often than not RBS falls for Goose's tactics and ends up in her bed...
Good night Robbo Bobbo Socko I love you
I am such a Whore, why do i keep falling into this viscious cycle, get drunk, get penetrated by Goose

 

by Lorno
4-30-07
The morning after...
what is the matter Robbo, your sobbing?
I got so drunk last night I let a Goose fuck me in the ass
I have real Goose feelings for you, this wasnt a one night stand was it?
you made me feel like a filthy, filthy whore, Goose! I never want to see you again!!!
Take off your clothes bitch! My dong craves your facehole.

 

by Lorno
5-11-07
RBS confronted by his fiance
...and thats why I had feathers on my body when I got home...just a strange turn of events
things are looking grim for RBS
can i have a kiss?
RBS's fiance shows her true colors
I own your soul....

 

by Lorno
9-27-09
early saturday morning
Can I help you find anything?
Where are your single beer's?
The lunatic holds two cans of beer up to the light and starts drooling slightly from the corner of his mouth
Just over there in the cooler
I am here master, I'm coming
The lunatic identifies himself as prisoner # 34678 and demands a cab and begins guzzling his beer spilling most of it on his face and shirt
Will that be everything?
Have you met God?...If the queen knew how much gold and silver is hidden in the hills there would be trouble

 

by Lorno
9-27-09
early saturday morning
Can I help you find anything?
Where are your single beer's?
The lunatic holds two cans of beer up to the light and starts drooling slightly from the corner of his mouth
Just over there in the cooler
I am here master, I'm coming
The lunatic identifies himself as prisoner # 34678 and demands a cab and begins guzzling his beer spilling most of it on his face and shirt
Will that be everything?
Have you met God?...If the queen knew how much gold and silver is hidden in the hills there would be trouble

 

by Lorno
9-27-09
A 70 year old man shows up on his lil rascal scooter decked out with skulls and chrome
Hi Moe, hows it going today?
mrmrmr grumble mrmrms I'm always happy, I like puppies. I had 99 heart attacks last night, I have been married 13 times mrmrmr grumble mrmrms I have 300 tattoos
Moe always shares his tall talls
Well you take care Moe, OK
always, always, mrmrmr grumble mrmrms you dont play too hard you hear mrmrmr grumble mrmrms
Moe hops on his lil scooter and zips on home
I can't belive that man is still alive the way he drinks, go have another heart attack you crazy bastard
mrmrmr grumble mrmrms I got to get Denis his beer

 

by Lorno
10-04-09
In the cooler unloading a massive beer load mid-June
3000 pallets of Bud Light with slime, what is this shit?
It’s a big conspiracy man, withhold the stock to build the demand, Anheuser Busch runs the world from behind the curtain
3 months later
If another Affliction wearing, Grey Goose, drinking beer queer asks me if we have Bud Light with Lime… I can’t be held accountable for what I do.
Light 'em on fire
6 months later
Good thing we ordered another 10,000 pallets of Bud Light with slime, everyone's tried it now and realized it tastes like lime juice with some beer in it. Were never going to get rid of this shit!
Light that shit on fire

 

by Lorno
10-17-09
Truck stops breed their own creatures of the night
Hello, you need help finding anything?
I’m meeting my boyfriend soon, I need to get smashed real quick...got any vodka?
The lot lizard slithers over to the vodka section and extends a withered hand, choosing Stoli blueberry vodka.
Right behind you, we have some on special!
Oh I don’t care my boyfriend will be here any minute and I just need to drink it quick.
As I was making this comic at 1130 am the exact 20 year old lot lizard I am portraying came in and bought a bottle of Stoli blueberry vodka with a exceptionally obese 45 year old trucker.
Have a good day?
Oh my boyfriend will be here any minute.

 

by Lorno
10-24-09
In comes a suspicious looking Carnival worker toting a black garbage bag slung over her back, clearly containing items of true wonder and amazement, judging by the bulges in the weatherworn glad bag
Hello…. judging by your uniform you work for the carnival, eh?
Why yes I do, do you have any vodka?
The Carnie starts Mumbling to herself, should I get vodka? No I shouldn’t, they wont like it if I get vodka, but will they find out?
I am watching you, don’t try any carnie magic in here, we don’t take to kindly to your kind around here
I buy my friends things, random things with no purpose...its what I do
She roams the store for about 15 minutes buying strange trinkets and random booze blowing around 100 bucks then packs it all into her glad bag and heads off on foot back to the makeshift Carnie town.
Oh go for it, treat yourself.
I better not, oh should I?

 

by Lorno
11-04-09
The young protégé learns that his mentor must move on to a new beerstore and learn the ins and outs of the backend.
I will not fail you!
So my young protégé you journey begins, I have an opportunity to learn the ins and outs of the back end working with my dear old friend, we are opening a beer store together
After years of rigorous training the young protégé is ready to become the new cooler boss
I understand you must go learn the ins and outs of the back end, though I don’t think I am ready to be the cooler boss yet.
Don’t be modest my young cooler boss, I was once like you. But now as a grown woman it wouldn’t be fair to my husband if I passed on this opportunity to learn the ins and outs of the backend.
As with any mentorship there are feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that need to be overcome, but the mentor has the utmost confidence in her young charge
Sob…sob…I can’t help it I am scared to be on my own, I fear the unknown, but I guess I understand the importance of the backend.
Don’t cry my young charge, this is your chance to flourish and make this cooler yours. I will always be here for you…in spirit. One day you will understand my desire to learn of the back end.

 

by Lorno
1-08-10
In comes a sweaty, paunchy, balding middle-aged man wearing loafers and a discount rack sports jacket and a 35-dollar smile.
Hello, stereotypical generic alcohol commission-driven representative. How are you today?
I have a fantastic product this month. If you order a billion cases I can offer near packs, on packs, give always and a special draw for a pack of toothpicks with our logo on them.
The rep keeps eyeing me and making grunting noises, uh uh uh uh uh uh
Well that sounds great but we have some overstock on some product we would like to move before we make a commitment like that.
I swear on my entire families grave that this product moves. I am so confident that you will sell the hell out of it that I will throw in an elegant black wire racking system.
Still with the eyeing and grunting, but now he is sweating heavily he is so excited over this product I think he has a boner
Ok I’ll bite what’s the product?
An elegant B.C wine...Copper Spoon.

 

by Lorno
1-15-10
The instructor is passing along some sage advice in regards to making hikes a very useful learning tool.
On a hike you can tell the kids that banana slugs taste like bananas and inevitable one will try. The trick is that their tongue goes numb from the neurotoxins. Guffaw guffaw hahahahahahahah
UM.....
The student's witty retort
Gross

 

by Lorno
1-27-10
A day like any other in Mr. K's makeshift classroom somewhere deep in the belly of Hazel Trembath Elementary. Except today he has real students instead of the ones in his mind that he usually teaches.
Has anyone ever heard the term “contact zone?”
Ewwwww Mr.K needs to brush his teeth.
The hook has been set, now to just reel them in.
Seriously, are these kids from space.
Are they the places where you tap on your I phone?
Wham...resist that definition
Pratt uses this term to refer to the social spaces where cultures meet, clash, and grapple with each other, often in contexts of highly asymmetrical relations of power, such as colonialism or slavery
Is it a place where you get cell reception?

 

by Lorno
2-06-10
After a long journey full of soul searching and personal growth our cooler guru has returned.
Um…so this is kinda awkward. You remember how you left. Well I’m kinda like the cooler boss now.
I have returned to reclaim my rightful spot as the COOLER BOSS.
But alas the new cooler boss feels like he may lose his spot.
I’m not sure what you have heard but I think you can shave your beard.
You think I can be the cooler boss during the week?
But after a selfish moment realizes that there is strength in the experience that comes with age and welcomes the guru back.
If you have taught me anything it is to always respect your elders, welcome back cooler boss we missed you.
Great to be back I missed this place.

 

by Lorno
3-03-10
The student is debating the value of learning about visual design.
Visual design is super lame, when will I ever need to know this?
Studying Visual Design allows students to recognize the ways advertisers use language, visuals and sounds to influence thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
The student applies his superior logic and convinces the teacher that visual design sucks.
F-that no one tells me what to do!
Fine suit yourself.
Minutes after class the student rushes to buy Ed Hardy everything, it’s a pity really had the student leaned about visual design he would not have ended up like a puppet on some strings.
Must buy Ed Hardy everything all the time.

 

by Lorno
4-04-10
A normal non-pervert type guy walks in and I think "decent non-pervert guy."
I’m well how are you?
Hey friend, how’ya doing?
In less than 30 seconds his non-pervert exterior begins to crack
Keep that buzz going or you might be in for a long night
Still drunk from last night, but its all good my mother in law is coming over tonight
Pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert, pervert; his façade slides down the cliff face into oncoming traffic causing several fatalities.
I’m lucky I get along my mother in law great
Yeah me too, but I’m worried if I drink too much I might motorboat her monster titties

 

by Lorno
4-24-10
There I was alone on a damp country roadside on earth day. I had signed up to be part of a clean up team…so far no Team had materialized and I begin to wonder...
Am I just some dumb fuck on the side of a road not part of a team at all.
What’s that dumb fuck doing on the side of the road?
6 hours later...
This is why they say there is no “I” in team.
Same dumb fuck, oooh this is gonna piss him off
The guy in the car opens his trunk and dumps a large orange garbage bag right into the ditch across the road from where I am cleaning my team’s section of the road then speeds off giving me the fing
You have got to be kidding, its fucking earth day what an ignorant piece of shit!
Fuck you hippie.

 

by Lorno
5-02-10
Right from the start the only two male employees in a female dominated workplace butted heads. Who will prevail and prove their almighty dominance as the best Beer Jockey in the lands?
So you’re the new guy eh?
I guess that makes you the old guy….guffaw guffaw
All of a sudden the old guy realizes, much like Spock did when he encountered Nomad, he has found a worthy adversary.
You better watch yourself the last guy that worked here had to quit and get a real job b/c his GF got knocked up. Just sayin I can make that happen
No you can’t, haven’t you already gone thru menopause?…guffaw guffaw
The old guy quickly realizes that no human could match his impeccable logic, in a brilliant display of Vulcan logic tricks his adversary into unveiling himself as the crazy space robot he really is.
Despite the syntactical composition of the word MENopause MEN actually do not go thru this process.
DOES NOT COMPUTE...DOES NOT COMPUTE...ERROR...ERROR

 

by Lorno
5-09-10
Christmas shopping takes on a whole new meaning after the aliens take over our planet.
Did ya need him gift wrapped?
Why did I put on tie this morning?
The one thing they adopted when coming to our planet was Christmas though they have much different tastes than humans.
Hey at least I’m not dinner.
I hope Zorg's kids like playing with my kidneys!
Humans are stored in warehouses waiting to be butchered for the Alien’s holiday celebrations
Happy holidays Jim, see you Thanksgiving.
Merry Christmas Grand Zorg my lord and master from the planet ZEP.

 

by Lorno
5-30-10
A non descript man enters the beer store and stands in front of the Coors light cooler
Hey
Hello
He chooses Kokanne instead and approaches the counter
Well done you passed the test, avoided the yank piss and went for the good ole BC beer.
The test...ha yeah
The man reaches into his wallet and produces exact change in USD, the clerk gets a sheepish look on his face.
Ah…your American huh?
Yup

 

by Lorno
8-04-10
A shabby woman enters and goes directly for the discounted vodka section.
Oh, yeah how was that?
You know, I worked at the Empress for 20 years?
Crazy eh?
I wanted to get fired, so I swore at my boss, but nope he promoted me
I bet if you had told him how racist you are he woulda fired you.
I expected he would fire me being a woman and all and him being a brown, East Indian, Muslim type, you know how they feel about women?

 

by Lorno
9-26-10
The year is 2013
The world leaders announced today that the only way to save our planet
Is to replace 99% of the human population with robots
The next day in the beer store
010001
000111000110
Be green or be replaced
11001
01010111

 

by Lorno
12-10-10
You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town
A real tree? How wasteful these people clearly hate the environment!
Look, 0% postconsumer paper waste wrapping paper covering those toxic plastic toys from China that will ultimately end up in our landfill!
He's making a list, Checking it twice; Gonna find out who recycles or not. Santa Claus is coming to town
Ok boss, back to our 100% fossil fuel free reindeer powered sleigh!
I am checking my list for a second time. and yup here we have it these people DO NOT RECYCLE. Put those environmentally friendly gifts wrapped in 100% postconsumer waster paper back in the sleigh!
Christmas morning at 6am two distraught children wail at the top of their lungs.
Why Santa? Why? SOB SOB
There is a note, “dear the children of the wasteful parents you will never get presents again unless you get wise to the environment.” NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

by Lorno
3-12-11
There I was alone on a damp country road on Earth Day. I had signed up to be part of a cleanup team...So far no team had materialized and I began to wonder...
Am I just some dumb $*#@ on the side of the road not part of a team at all?
What’s that dumb $%^# doing on the side of the road?
6 hours later…
This is why they say there is no “I” in team…
Same dumb $#@^, oooh this will %$#@ him off
The guy in the car opens his trunk and dumps a large orange garbage bag right into the ditch across the road from where I am cleaning my team’s section of road then speeds off giving me the finger!!
You have got to be kidding!!! Its $#@*&^% Earth Day, what an ignorant piece of %$#^!
%$#@ you hippie!!!

 

by Lorno
7-09-11
The thousands of crustacean and fish species living in the vast oceans banded together today in a historic showing of solidarity against the human’s mismanagement of their seas.
Eh Jim I am tired of having our brethren killed and our habitat poisoned!
I agree it’s time to do something about this, our oceans are so poisoned most of young die at birth!
We need to get their attention somehow, but how?
The time is now, let’s stage a global oceanic protest and demand the humans step down as the supreme species!!!
Breaking News!!
Today every beach in the world was littered with beached whales and fish of every species and every street leading to the ocean were covered in marching crustaceans.
Marine Biologists’ have interpreted this behaviour as a migratory response to changing habitat due to volcanic activity and nothing to do with global warming, pollution or over fishing!!!

 

by Lorno
10-09-12
The moon is nearly full.
Hey Son let's rob that red one!
I wonder if he has been here before?
We rummage through the cabinents not finding much.
Let's check the cabinets!
My father is good at this!
We made it to saftey!
Not much. I got it down to a science.
You ever worry about getting caught?

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