All comics by Moonfire013

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by Moonfire013
7-26-07
The sound ofJames Blunt's voice makes me want to stab myself in the ear with a rusty fork.
but... this couch is really comfy and the forks are way over there.
Damn.

 

by Moonfire013
7-26-07
Jake: 22; Virgin; Allergic to dust mites; addicted to World of Warcraft. Hobbies include beating off to midget porn and attending Sci-fi conventions.
Hey 2Hott4U, I'm tall, toned, tanned, and ready for action. I wanna make you scream and beg for more. They'll have to scrape you off the ceiling when I'm done with you.
Alice: 34; divorced; Hobbies include coupon clipping, working overtime and cleaning up after her 5 screaming children.
BigGun45, Oh yeah, baby. That's hott! How about I sneak out of my dorm tonight and we can play a little game of naughty nurse?
Later that night
So... you wanna... you know?
I don't think so. Besides, I think I left the oven on.

 

by Moonfire013
7-26-07
It says here that 12% of Americans think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
Noah who?
You know, the bible guy.
The one who ran around naked, the one who parted the sea or the one who killed a giant with a rock?
No. Noah's the senior citizen who built an arc and managed to round up two of every animal.
wait a minute.... was "of Arc" their last name or their address?

 

by Moonfire013
7-26-07
... in conclusion your policy does not cover explosions. So by law we're not required to pay for any damage done to your property or your person...
...and I'm afraid the police found the remains of your meth lab so you'll be spending the next 10 years in federal prison.
But look on the bright side! You get three free meals a day, an hour for exercise, and all the sodomy a guy could ever hope for! Lucky you!

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Just another day in the neighborhood.
They're watching me. I know they are. I can feel it in my bones.
First, they trick you into war by saying the enemy has WMD's and must be stopped or they'll strike again... only bigger this time...
So you go to war, and for a while that's fine. But soon the public get angry because they realize it was all a scam.
So they distract the people with issues like gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research....
Meanwhile Social Security is tanking, Vet benifits are cut. Our phones, and bank accounts are tapped. We're being strip searched at the air port...
... And for what? So Exxon Mobile can make 8 Billion dollars in the first three months of 2006?

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Ahhh... My welfare check. Thank God.
You got a letter from your mom too. She's feeling better but the old kidneys aren't as good as they used to be.
Wait... are you reading my mail?
Ohh, and your car is about to go default if you don't catch up on your payments.
'Cause that's a federal offense, you know.
But the good news is your pap smear came out clean.

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Dude
What?
DUDE!
WHAT??
.....
What?

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
How much would we have to pay for you to do us both up the ass with a strap on while laying in a kiddy pool full of grape Jello?
Got any Coke?
Mom, the bus is coming, your embarrassing me!

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Your purchase comes to $12.43. I see your paying with your credit card. If the total is okay, please press the enter button on the pin pad to complete your order.
Do what now?
Press the ENTER button. It's the big green one in the center of the pin pad.
......
I can't believe I cancelled a date for this. Sharon owes me big time
So I'm supposed to push "no" right?

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Get her! Kill her! Let's see some blood!
Finally it's getting good!

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
The plot thickens! DUNN DUNN DUNN!
Mommy?

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Dude, that guy's an idiot. He probably left his fingerprint and hair samples everwhere.

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Brace yourselves boys and girls, we're heading for a flash back.
Oh yes Mr. Evil bunny man, life was so hard wasn't it? With your mommy at work all day and your daddy beating you with belts.
Then after your first sexual encounter with a gay circus clown, you felt the rage boiling inside you until it could not be controlled. You became a killer on that day and you feel the bloodlust still

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
Two Hours Later
How long can it take to find a 40 year old man wearing a bloody bunny suit carrying an axe?
Screw this, I'm going to the bathroom. If I'm not back before it's over then feel free to go fuck yourselves. Sniff you jerks later.

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07

 

by Moonfire013
7-27-07
What? I couldn't get a ride! Apparently cabbies don't accept cocaine as payment anymore.

 

by Moonfire013
7-28-07
Oh no! Not the it-was- only-a-pychosis-induced- dream gag! GAY! TOTALLY GAY! That's it, I'm burning down the theatre.

 

by Moonfire013
7-28-07
Go Fuck Yourself...*tweet* Go Fuck Yourself...
No Poly. Go Fuck YOURself.

 

by Moonfire013
7-29-07

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
I hate waking up early. I think I'd rather gargle diseased donkey balls then wake up before noon.
Well if you didn't go to bed at 4AM then you wouldn't have a problem.
Then after I was done with the Donkey balls, maybe Barbara Bush could put me in a burlap bag and beat me with her used underwear.
And while she's doing that she'd make me listen to a William Shatner stand up comedy special. Yah. I'd definitely rather do all that then wake up before noon.
Your a sick fuck.

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
Do you believe that our lives are predestined. Like governed by God or the stars? Or do you think that through our actions and choices we create our own destiny?
The jury's still out on that one. Why do you ask?
'cause, did you ever notice how whenever something good happens people 'thank their lucky stars' or 'praise Jesus', but if something bad happens people blame each other.
So if your good you get no credit, but if your bad it's all your fault? Well that's stupid.
Yeah that's why I say fuck it. I'm not gonna decide about anything until I absolutely have to. If I see it then I'll believe it.
So your loyalty goes to the highest bidder? Nice! I like it. In the mean time let's get an extra large pizza and rent a dirty movie.

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
Vlad, I realize that you've never had a relationship that didn't involve a blow-up doll. But pretend for a second that you did. What exactly constitutes cheating?
Is it getting a phone number? Talking dirty? Kssing, cuddling, oral, vaginal, anal, what? Where do you draw the line?
I'm asking because my girlfriend says that I'm cheating on her "emotionally". But thats total bullshit, right? You can't persecute people based on their thoughts, can you?
It's instinct to want to spread one's seed. It's natural. Everybody rubs one out while thinking about the hot chick at the minimart on occasion. Well at least everyone I know.
Vlad?
Sorry, I was spacing out. Listen do you have a glue gun? My fatty patty doll burst a seem again.

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
Our fucking electric bill is almost $300 this month. Fucking Northeastern Utilities bastards!
Don't look at me. I haven't done anything different lately. Well, besides the incest I mean.
What?

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
Quickly Vlad, legalize Marijuana: yay or nay?
Yay or Nay?
Shut up and answer the question.
Seriously, who says that anymore? That's like calling somebody a fop.
So... do you wanna smoke a fattie or what?
I've already had two, but hell what's one more between friends?

 

by Moonfire013
7-30-07
Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my house?
Ollie, it's me, Vladamire.
You get into a car accident or something? You look... unusual.
No. I saved up a whole bunch of money, flew out to California, and had head to toe plastic surgery. And if I do say so myself, I am one sexy bitch. I'm gonna get so many chicks!
Yeah but, what's with the cape?
Ohh, turns out my chin implant is radioactive. Yeah, I can sorta melt things with my mind now. Sorry about the couch.

 

by Moonfire013
8-02-07
Dude, do you ever get the feeling that we should be doing something more with our lives?
Like what?
I don't know, like get a job or something?
Why?

 

I hate how every girl you meet these days is "bisexual". Like it's a fad or something.
Seriously. There's a difference between truly being bi, and just being a skanky bitch who's too drunk to care who she's fucking.
by Moonfire013, 8-02-07

 

by Moonfire013
8-02-07
*hiss* *hiss* *cackle*
You the fella that called 911?
*hiss* you cannot see me *hiss* I am immune to you *hiss*
Sir? Do you have an emergency? Sir?..... SIR?
*hiss*
I hate full moons.

 

Don't even glance at them. Just march. Fast.
by Moonfire013, 8-02-07

 

by Moonfire013
8-02-07
NOTE: In retail lingo "overstock" is any product left at the registers that must be returned to their proper place.
How the hell did we end up with TWELVE carriages of overstock in THREE days?
It could be worse. The watermelon could still be back here.
Watermelon?
Yeah. Someone left a watermelon that had a hole in it back here for like five days. Everyone ignored it until it started to rot and all the juice dripped onto the floor.
GROSS!
I'll spare you the part where Jake fucked the rotten hole with a cucumber.

 

by Moonfire013
8-02-07
That's a mighty big hose you have there. So long and heavy.
Good water pressure too. Yep, a man has the keys to the kingdom if he can properly use his hose.
For the last time, I'm NOT sleeping with you.
I'm not wearing any panties....

 

Where are you going with my pot plant?
by Moonfire013, 8-03-07

 

by Moonfire013
8-03-07
Babe? I know you're in there. Babe? Come on! Open the door!
Listen, I'm sorry about the two Vietnamese hookers. But you've got to understand it was my first time drinking Tequila and.....
..... oh God. Sorry wrong room.
wait! Come back! I've got cannndy!

 

by Moonfire013
8-04-07
NOTE: This is a true story. (In the produce department)
What the-- WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!
I'm a student at the Hallmark Institute of Photography. I'm creating art.
You see long ago these apples and berries were on trees soaking in the sun. They lived happy free lives. And man walked amongst them.
Man was in tune with nature then. But now man lives in shame of its wild roots. So it killed all the trees and this magnificent fruit exists only in the dingy isle of the local market.
yeah, you need to leave now.
by doing this you're enabling the corporate machine to strip away all that is natural and replace it with cheap silicone.

 

by Moonfire013
8-04-07
I'm just doing my job, okay?
Yes, but at what price? Did you ever think about that?
I'm not saying that your opinion isn't valid. I'm not even saying that your wrong. I'm saying that your naked on private property. That's a crime. Leave or I call the cops.
But my assignment's due tommarrow!
That's it. Patience gone. SECURITY!
(as she's being dragged away) Open your eyes sister! It's not too late for you!

 

by Moonfire013
8-05-07
Rule 1: The moment a product is out of stock, is the exact moment a customer will request it.
Excuse me, where's your christmas wrapping paper?
Sir, it's July.
Rule 2: On any given day, at least 60% of your customers will be unable to count to 12.
Ma'am, this is an express line which means it's for customers with 12 items or less. I lost count of your order at 278.
Rule 3: Management is ALWAYS clueless.
What time does your store close?
Time?

 

by Moonfire013
8-09-07
You know what really pisses me off? People who get those EBT cards. Thats bullshit.
Why do certain people get their vital needs met for free and shmucks like me have to pay out the ass?
Seriously, Yesterday I'm standing in line spending my last 10 bucks on Ramen Noodles and Pez, I look over...
... and the guy in the next line is buying full belly clams, and lobster, yes LOBSTER with his EB fucking T card.
Does this piss anyone else off, or is it just me? I mean he's eating $100 worth of crustaceans on our fucking tax dollars!
I guess this is a bad time to meantion that we're out of milk.

 

by Moonfire013
8-12-07
Rule 4: When a product is on "sale" the customer saves nothing.
I raised the price of juice to counteract the soda sale just like you asked, sir.
Good. The new shampoo's here. It's 3 oz less per bottle then before so why don't we up the price by say 75 cents.
Rule 5: The customer is always right. Especially when their wrong.
Listen here MISSY! This flier says that Pepsi is on sale, and you're gonna honor that price or there WILL be trouble.
Sir, your in Stop and Shop. That flier is for Big Y. It's the store across town near the Texico station.
Rule 6: The word "snow" is synonymous with the word "panic"
Ahh! We're all gonna die! Our only hope is to make it to the grocery store to stock up on Cheetos and Mountain Dew!
I wish you would hurry sir. I must bring back the newest issue of Redbook or my wife will stone me when I return.

 

by Moonfire013
8-22-07
Somewhere other then Nebraska.
5 paces then turn. Got it?
Check.
1..2..3..4..5
1..2..3..4..5
Unfortunately Butch's stick of TNT only had a 4 pace fuse.

 

by Moonfire013
8-22-07
Your change is $1.57... Sir? Sir please take your change.
so then I was all like 'hey baby how about we get out the mint jelly" then she started doing that thing with her tongue again.... what? I know!
*growl* *growl* *pissy comment* *seeth*
Some of us do have a life, you know.
What the fuck, man.
IS THERE A MANAGER SOMEWHERE??

 

by Moonfire013
8-22-07
I really want to know who comes up with the ideas for feminine product commercials. Whoever you are, I'd like to file a complaint.
First off you'll never ever catch a heterosexual male discussing things like tampons, feminine itch and odor, or birth control pills.
and yet the ads always feature a group of men and women hanging out in a public place, laughing and talking at great length about something gross like doucheing.
as if any woman in the real world would admit, in public, that her snatch smells like old milk. And to go on and pretend that the men would just sit there and listen without vomitting is just stupid.
And don't even get me started on the Herpes commercials. "I have genital herpes." "but I don't" "and we'd like to keep it that way." There's a visual I'd like to avoid.
some rotten barnacled clam wedged between the evening news. No thank you.

 

by Moonfire013
8-22-07
Guys?
Jimmy? Paul?
I'm starting to think that being a half naked horny blonde teenager, alone in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a tooth brush and vibrator isn't such a good thing.

 

by Moonfire013
8-22-07
Hey Wally, I just wanted to give you a heads up about the numbers this month.
It appears that my department ran into a few unexpected expenses and the books may reflect a few seemingly excessive withdraws.
You flew to Bangkok so you could bang a bunch of Thai school children again didn't you?
Those girls know how to lick a nut sack like you wouldn't believe.

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
Travis...... Travis.... Travis wake up.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
TRAVIS!!
*Sputter* WHAT??!!
It's about time... I've been standing here saying your name for like 20 minutes.
mom? is it supper time already?

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
woah, death. awesome.
Actually I'm your uncle, Jerry.
uncle jerry? didn't you blow your own head off in vegas a few years back?
Well...
what's under the cloak? is your face all like mangled and shit? with blood and puss oozing everywhere?

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
I've come to deliver an urgent message to you, Travis.
blood raven.
What?
blood raven. my name is blood raven.
Listen kid, you live in a three story house. You have a yacht, a BMW, and a trust fund. You've never suffered a day in your life. Get over yourself you whiny little douche.
all i have is pain. dark crushing black that bleeds my soul.

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
anyway... about my message--
--yeah about that, listen is it gonna take long? I kinda have to be somewhere.
Well, It shouldn't take too long. I mean, I did have a speach prepared, but I suppose--
--great. then it can wait till later.
Wait! Where are you going?
i've got a coven meeting at morgana's house. you can come if you want, but none of that travis shit, okay?

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
Wow. What a shit hole.
yeah. the bad lighting and dismal stench of lonlyness really takes our spells to a whole new level.
wait here. i need to go ask the dark forces for permission to bring in an outsider. i'd hate to have your presence fuck up our chi.
Ten Minutes Later...
okay. the group has been prepared. just don't touch anything, stay in your designated spot, and don't stare at Liliths birth mark or she'll flip out and start crying.

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
I have good news and bad news. Good news, inventory is done. Bad news, we're off by $52,467.34
Oh my god!
Yea. From now on all employees are subject to random strip searchs, lunch break is cut in half and there's a two sheet maximum on toilet paper per bathroom visit.
They're freaking out about employee bathroom habits yet we have no anti-theft policies in action? Do they really think that we're down $52,467.34 because of toilet paper?
I guess so.
Un-fucking-believable.

 

by Moonfire013
8-23-07
we gather here today to ask the dark forces to grant us the power to navigate through this pathetic waste of existance known commonly as life.

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