All comics by Odette_Trading_Club

 

Hey Mark, wha' cha doin'?
I'm setting up a trade. Gonna short the XLI and go long the XLB based on a bleak outlook on the durable goods number which comes out tomorrow at 8:30 am
If you're gonna short the sector & go long the market; why don't you just say so.... sheesh.
That does it. I gotta find a new girl friend.

 

There... I just bought stock... ain't no big. I mean, if I can do it, you can do it.
Hey... whoa.... it's dropping like a rock... WTF? What? No way... what time is it? 3:30 !!! What did Mark say? Buy at 3:30? or, was it short at 3:30? Doh... I can't remember.
OMG, what is that stink?
What? That's what diapers are for. I need a beer. And some Doritos.

 

Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered.
What? You don't believe me?
Pigs get slaughtered.
That's better.

 

Stockbroker meets client
Good morning Joe! How can I help you today?
I am going to go crazy!! The stock market is so volatile these days...How can you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for your clients' portfolios?
Oh, don't you worry about it ! I sleep like a baby every night
What?!?! Even with all the fluctuations in the market??
Yes, that's right...just like a baby. I sleep for a couple of hours then wake up and cry for a couple more...

 

Hey... you look familiar to me... are you on TV or something?
Welcome to Cramerica? Other people want to make friends... I just want to take your money... I mean, make you money?
No? Buy my book?

 

There. I just bought stock. Ain't no big. If I can do it, you can do it.
200 shares of Nortel @ $ 2.10
7 years later
There. I just bought stock. Ain't no big. If I can do it, you can do it.
200 shares of Nortel @ $ 2.05
17 years later
There. I just bought stock. Ain't no big. So... you all probably know what I'm talking about by now... right?
200 shares of Nortel @ $ 2.75

 

Curious. This stock's behavior is completely void of logic.
And so is that one. And that one. And that one. And that one. And that one. And that one. And that one.

 

Ideally, you want to maintain a body temperature of about 98 degrees, but it could go higher or lower.
If it goes lower, set your limits. Maybe use a limit order rather than a hard stop. If it gets too high, maybe you'll want to use a short position as a hedge.
So... how'd it go?
I'm not sure ..... but I suddenly have this weird urge to open an E*trade account.

 

Thank you for calling BMO Investorline.
But seriously, why did you even bother?

 

Bulls, bears, pigs... Why do THEY get all the attention? What about us? What about our needs?
I don't know... I heard something about Bear Stearns the other day, and people having a cow.
What? No good?

 

It's a forecast. It's a best-guess. It's not a prediction. It's more like anticipation. It's a guesstimation. An outlook. It's ...
OK. OK. We get it...
Let's go to Rick Santelli at the NYSE.
I was talking about the weather.

 

I'm SO happy that beer is considered to be a consumer staple. I mean, to me... beer is WAY more important than say...
... pants?
No... pants are important.

 

Sure, I still like to monkey around... but I invest... like a gorilla!
You're watching WAY too much TV dude.

 

Back test.
Back test.
Back test.
Back test.
Back test.
I go thru Mark's garbage to look for trading ideas. What?

 

I'm using Strategy Desk by TD Ameritrade & comparing the 20/80 with multiple strategies with multiple stocks... over time.
I could be running a pre-set strategy... or setting up a modified 20/80... or I could using one of my own tricks or tweaks.... but for now, this is good....
I'm using a small group of hand-selected terrorists who specialize in suicidal bombings & wreaking havoc in the oil industry. I could be using a more passive group of men, but for now, this is good.

 

The Trader Training Academy of Ontario? What kind of a fund name is that?
I'm sure that's not the fund's name. Why? What would you call it?
How about - We Pooled A Bunch Of Money Together Fund? Or... how about - The TradeMark Fund? Yaaa... get it? Trade? Mark? The TradeMark Fund. It's perfect...
Ya, like he hasn't heard a zillion TradeMark jokes before.
How about the 3M Fund? Mostly Mark's Money Fund. Get it? Mostly Mark's Money?
You're hopeless.

 

... with all this unpredictability & uncertainty in the markets, who can you trust with your money? The brokers? The pundits? The bankers? The so-called experts? ...
Here; at Investools, we believe that there's really only one person that you need to trust & trade in complete confidence with & that person is ......
200 shares of Graphic Devices @ ten and a half !!!
... the E*trade baby.
200 @ ten and a half ??? What's HE smokin'?

 

i think you're using inet - just because of its name.
no... i'm using it because it allows me to trade when the markets are closed...
whatever.

 

I want to go to Mark in Windsor, Canada. Hey! a Canadian, I love Canada, I love Canadians, you guys are so polite, you guys got the best beer, go ahead Mark ... hit me!
Boooyah Cramer! ... How do you get 200 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
umm.. er... ahhh... i don't know... OK, i'll play the straight man here... how DO you get 200 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
You ask them !!!
ahhh.. haha... OK, this is The Lightning Round on Mad Money... you're killing me here Mark... this is The Lightning Round on Mad Money... do you have a stock?
No... but thanks for taking my call... cheers. *click*

 

What?
There. You just made $ 200 dollars less commssion.
What?
There. You just lost $ 100 dollars plus commission.
What? Where? SLOW DOWN... you're going WAY too fast.
There. You just lost another $ 100 dollars plus commission.

 

it's time... it's time for ... am i diversified? go ahead Neo... hit me with your 5 stocks...
exxon mobil - XOM, sears holdings - SHLD, intuitive surgical - ISRG, molson coors - TAP, and caterpillar - CAT.
OK... let's see... you have a bank, a real estate stock, an insurance company, a mining company & an internet play... yes! booooyah.... you ARE diversified !!!
umm... i thought i had an energy stock, a retailer, a biotech, a consumer play and an industrial company ???
is that what you believe Neo? do you really believe that what i just said has anything to do with this place? at this time? on this show? you must free your mind Neo.
okee dokey... free my mind... free my mind...

 

What's the trade if the yield curve is introverted?
I don't know.... How about a social networking stock? Or, maybe a casino? Carnival Cruises? Maybe a beer stock? You know, pick an extroverted stock... meet some people.
Did I say, introverted?
Ya.
Nevermind.

 

I'm just a small time retail stock trader.
But sometimes, I like to look over the shoulders of a big time institutional trader just to spy on them.
Go away or I will crush you.
Today I will mind my own business.

 

Are you... The Market?
Bingo. Not quite what you were expecting, right?
I need to know if my last trade is... The One?
You know what that means? It's Latin... means `Know thyself'. Having The One is just like being in love. No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it. Thru & thru, balls to bones.
So... my short position in Research in Motion, isn't The One?
Sorry kiddo. You're in the right sector, but it's like you're waiting for something? A market meltdown? Your next trade? Who knows? I don't like giving traders bad news... it's just what I do.

 

So... what's the trade if Obama gets into office?
Oh... how about... Smith & Wesson SWHC? or Taser TASR? or Dupont -DD, they make that Kevlar bullet-proof material or...
... so, you're thinking - renewed interest in homeland security with the consumer?
No. I'm sayin' that there will be people lining up in the office to take out Obama - Kennedy style... if you know what I'm sayin'...
No... whoa... wow ... I didn't know trading could be so political.
Oh, it's political baby. Believe you me... it's political.

 

Once again, let us welcome to the trading club, the Dean of the Odette School of Business... Dr. Allan Conway.
Thank you Mark. Some of you have asked me to clarify the reasons as to why the university is not allowing the club to use the name: The Odette Trading Fund.
The name suks.
Questions? Yes... for the last time... YES; Mark really is a full-time instructor at this school.

 

Master, please teach me the ways of the Carrey trade so that I may better serve my trading community.
Who is this trader... Carrey?
I think it's Jim Carrey. You know... Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? Dumb and Dumber? The Mask? The Cable Guy?
Ahhh... yes; when a trader is holding a dog of the Dow, he can feel really stupid. He may want to hide behind a mask. Or, he might start watching too much TV. Or maybe...
... you have no idea, do you?
busted

 

3:23 am EST in New Jersey, USA
Check this out. I just bought 200 shares of Water World on the stock exchange in Guam - Africa, How cool is that? Water World ... in Guam... that's Africa !!!
Come on honey... it's 3:30. Guam doesn't HAVE a stock exchange... and it's not even IN Africa.
I'm on a roll ...

 

We should invest in Krispy Kreme Donuts.
We should invest in Microsoft.
We should invest in Playboy.
We should invest in Phillip Morris.
We should invest in China Mobile.
We should invest in United Health Group.

 

*click* ... there, i just bought stock... ain't no big... so like, me and the boys were talkin' about what to do with all this extra coin? so me... i was like... i'm renting that host of Mad Money ...
boooyah !!!
... and.. ahh... i really under-estimated the creepiness...

 

Wow... is that code for the entire financial sector?
Yep... it's impossible to make any sense of it. After awhile, I don't even see it anymore... all I see is... Bear Stearns, Washington Mutual, Citigroup.
So... did Mark tell you why he did it? ... why he started this trading club? Why we're all here?
Ya...
Ohhhh.... what a mind job !!! What are we supposed to SAY to that?

 

.... freeze program ....
WTF? ... This... this isn't the market?
No; it's another platform designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them. They are hedge funds - they can move in and out of any trading program linked to the markets.
We have survived from hiding from them & by running from them. But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all of the stocks. They are holding all of the money. But someone will have to fight them
i don't like where this is going.

 

What's the trade for today?
I'm going long with Sony SNE and Corning GLW because I like the large screen TV sector as the economy gets weaker.
There's a large screen TV sector? ...That's consumer discretionary... you don't want that.
Haven't you watched the TV show - Cops?
No.
Well... watch the show & learn my friend... watch the show..... & learn.

 

What happened?
I heard it was a day trader...
... trying to short a stock on the IBD Top 10 List.
Ouch.

 

That was a great movie.
How do you pick such great movies?
I check the Top 100 List. Throw out titles starting with an " i ", or any ending in a .pk or .pf - then I check the ratings & throw out the top & bottom star ratings & then I pick a title.
So... it's the same as picking a momentum stock?
Pretty much.

 

OMG. I can't believe I just did that.
Have you ever like... accidentally entered an order to buy like...1,000 shares of something when you really only wanted to buy like... 100?
No.... why, has that ever happened to you?
No.

 

So, what's my next trade? Give me a good trade k?
Give a man a fish & he will eat for the day, teach a man to fish &... &... um, teach a fish, no... it's teach a man to fool me twice & never fish... no... teach a man to...
... give it up... you're starting to sound like Bush.
Buy GE on Monday & look for a dead cat bouce.
Thank you. See? Now, wasn't that alot easier?
... teach a man... ???????? doh ...

 

There was a time when I would go to a bar just to pick up women.
I know. I know. Me too. Now here we are going to a bar to talk about stocks & to pick up some trading ideas & strategy.
... how sad is that?
Sad dude... very sad.
Oh... who are we kidding? We're gonna go for the women.
You know it.

 

Aaarg... attention me fine maytees ... I really like Navios Maritime Holdings. load up the haul... hoist up the sails... you ladees should be buyin' this one hand over fist.
... or in your case... hook over fist.
Aaarrrr...
No. No. No. You pirates know nothing! You know nothing! You know nothing about shipping! I am NOT going to bless this stock... no, no, no!
We know how to hang a man from a crow's nest using only a scarf.
Buy, buy, buy.

 

My oh my, that's quite an impressive collection of charts you have there.
Yes, I've decided to embrace technical analysis. I've turned into a true believer... I want to convert into this religion. Can you help me?
How long have you accepted technical analysis as your true calling?
I don't know... for a couple of weeks maybe.
Sorry. That's not long enough to confirm a definite pattern. We need a minimum of at least six weeks in order for us to convert you.
Six weeks !!! ... bunch of retards.

 

Technical Analysis is sooooo... boring!
You only think that it's boring because there are enough people who truly believe it's boring & whether it is or not - is NOT what's important... what's important is that you believe it is.
So, technical analysis is NOT boring?
No, technical analysis is boring.
But what about the trading pears cartoon? That's hilarious.
I find that hard to believe.

 

You must be the Dragon Fund.
And you must be the Chickadee Fund.
Actually... you look more like a dinosaur than you do a dragon.
And you look more like a chicken than a chickadee.
A chicken? You're calling me a chicken? Is that some sort of commentary on my trading strategy? You want a piece of me pal? Let's go... come on... let's go... we'll see who's the chicken...
Fiesty little fella.

 

So what's your strategy for this month? Sell in May and go away?
I said... do you sell in May and go away? ...
Umm... see you in September?

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