All comics by Toots_MacFadden

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by Toots_MacFadden
4-25-01
Back behind the CHAPEL
Hey, man! For God's sake don't you have any CHANGE I could use to get me out of this can?
Hmmmm. I've got a FEELIN' about this guy...OK I'll HELP HIM...I've got a TEN DOLLAR BILL in my POCKET I'm sure he'll APPRECIATE!
Meanwhile, down in Joe's stomach
WEEEEEE!!!! PISSY PISSY IN DEE PANTIE POOPY FUN FUN FO ME TO GRUNTY!!!
OH HO HO HO HO INCWESE GAS PRESSA FI HUNDED PSI!!! HO HO HO DIS MAKUM BIG BOOM BOOM!!!
*HOOORRRRRIONK*
GOD DAMN you man! I can't believe you'd FART in an OLD MAN'S FACE! I would have turned into a swallow and given you PALM FRONDS, ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and a BLOW JOB!!...but you BLEW IT!!!
You GODDAMMED fuckers in there! I ate 15 spring rolls for you ungrateful CUNTS!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-25-01
7:00 AM last Sunday on the outskirts of HELL
Hello Joseph....whoooo-ooooo...my name is DEATH and I've come to CLAIM YOU unless you can say SOMETHING that will change my MIND!!!
I...uh...ahem...daaah...that is to say...oh, may I make a phone call? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Bebebebebebeh OH NO! Wasawa! *ah-choo* *sniff* Oh damn! What I mean to say is..god damn you GIVE ME a sec!
Meanwhile, in Joe's gastrol pit of despair
WOO WOO CHUGA CHUGA WOO WOO WOO!!!!
HO HO HO HER CUM DE BEDY STINK STINK TRAIN TO DA SHOOTS FOR ANO PWEASSURE!!! HAH HAH HAH!!!
*PAPAPAPAPAFFFTHHRUPPAHHHhh!*
Oh my god...I CAN'T BELIEVE you did that in my face!
Do we HAVE to talk about it?!?!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-25-01
Tut tut tut, old chap! If it isn't JOE ASHCROFT here to escort me, the MAYOR OF LONDON, on a tour of this WONDERFUL AND SACRED CATHEDRAL!!!
OK Joe...if this GOES WELL I'll be considered for KNIGHTHOOD! Even if it takes all the TACT I can muster, I'll soon be BOFFING BRITISH BITCHES BLIND!
And meanwhile, in Joe's sump tank...
LONDON FOG FOG STINKY BOG BOG TOOTY TOOTY HEE HEE HEE!!!
HO HO HO THAT BE RIGHT LIL FIYO FWOWA!!! WE MAKE NASTY STINK BWEEZE WITH MAXIMUM GASZOOKA!!!
*POOMBOOOMBAPOOTpooPOOTpoot*
EGAD MAN! I haven't filled my nostils with a stench that foul since the BLACK PLAGUE!!! Quite, quite...I have no choice now but to mail the QUEEN a NEGATIVE EVALUATION!!!
You little yellow cunts...

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-26-01
The Planet Earth 3015 B.C.
*bleep* *bloop* *blip* TOO MUCH OXYGEN...repeat...TOO MUCH OXYGEN for human HABITATION!!! Evacuate IMMEDIATELY for survival!!! Humaniod robot will continue search for casualties!!!
Alright you GODAMMED LITTLE GNOMES!!! I am BEGGING you for a little toot RIGHT NOW!!! I can forgive you for all the PAIN you've caused me, but now THIS IS MY LIFE ON THE LINE!!!
Meanwhile, in Joe's futuristic stomach...
TEE HEE HEE NEED MORE METHY TOO MUCH OXY BREFY BREFY COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!!
HO HO HO DAT BE WIGHT SUNFWOWA!!! BUT WE HAVE NO RIKEY SWEET EH SOUR FOR GASSY POFF POFF!!!! HO HO HO OH NO!!!! HEE HEE HEE!!!
**grumblegrumblegrumble.....pfffft**
ROBOT find nothing in ASHCROFT habitat but HUMAN EJACULATION and PIG PORN!!!
....

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-26-01
Last Sunday, at the church service project...
Ohhh...giggle giggle giggle!!! Pwick pwick pwick!!!
Heh heh heh!!! I can't BELIEVE I got this GIG as the JANITOR for the NUDIST DORM here at COLLEGE with all these HOT CHICKS! Good thing I've got this HAMMER and NAIL, cus' I plan to do some BANGIN'!!!
...Meanwhile, in Joe's "love pit"...
TEE HEE HEE NO MO SEXY SEXY FOR DEE PARTY POOPA!!!
HAH HAH HAH DAT BE WITE CHICKY KIST KIST WE BE BOOPIN AND UH BOPPIN!!!! HAH HAH HAH!!!
*Cuuuuuuuuuuuuutataataataat.........pop*
Ohhh...right in our face!!! THAT'S IT!!! Go see if you can squeeze BERTHA in the DOOR...she's in to that kind of thing!!!
WAIT!!! I swear it wasn't me that time!!! I know if we can just TALK *pfft* IT *bppt* OUT *fsst* GIRLS *bubbubbub* Oh damn...

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-27-01
3:00 PM just after Sunday mass and Joe's coronation to YOUNG FAITH AMBASSODOR...
Sit down, sit down AMBASSADOR ASHCROFT!!! We are so EXITED to have you here, why my own WIFE surgically attached a penis to herself so she could show you her ENTHUSIASM!!!
Well...I guess I could go for that...so just stand here perfectly still JOE, and for the LOVE OF GOD don't PASS GAS, or I'll never get under the covers with these CATHOLIC ARISTOCRATS!!!
Meanwhile, down in Joe's stomach where his loyal servants have the floor...
PEE PEE PEE PEE WHOPEE WHOPEE CUSHION CUSION NO MO NO MO RICH BITCH PUSHIN'!!! HEE HEE HEE!!!!
OH HO HO HO DAT RHYME SUNFWOWA WE MAKUM ROYAL ASS OF JOPEE POOPFACE!!!! HO HO HO!!!! PULL DA LEEVA!!!!
*FFFFFIIUUUUUUCCCCCKKAKAKA...*poop*
Such a noise!!! SUCH A RUCKUS!!! SO INTENSE EVEN NOW...MOTION to ELEVATE Joe to the status of SAINTHOOD!!! You'll need 3 miracles MY LORD but you may have just MADE ONE in YOUR PANTS!!!
"just stand here perfectly still..."

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-27-01
When we last left Joe, his lastest gastrol eruption was confused for a MIRACLE and his status elevated to that of a SAINT!!!
You GODAMMED SHIT MERCHANTS down there!!! I thought SAINTHOOD would give me POWER, then MONEY, then WOMEN...but instead I had to take an oath of CELIBACY!!! You POOP FUCKS !!!
Meanwhile, in Joe's saintly loins...
BOO HOO HOO!!! WE SO SORRY!!! WE SO SORRY LONG TIME!!!! HEE HEE HEE!!! JOEPOO NEED A"POO"LOGY!!! TEE HEE HEE
OHHH? OH HO HO HO!!! YES YES SEND UP A SMOKE SIGNAL OF "PEE"CE OFFWING!!! HO HO HO!!!
*ffffFFFFAAAAAARRRRPPPPUH PUH Puh puh*
Ungh, that PHYSICALLY HURT!!! OH my STOMACH!!! YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! BY GOD SO HELP ME I'LL GUT MYSELF I SWEAR!!!
puh puh puh puh *fart*

 

by Toots_MacFadden
4-27-01
On the 38th day of Joe's fast, he had an idea...a terrible, horid, lovely IDEA...
Ungh..*squimph* gad *guish* I...I managed to pack so much damp soil and underbruch in my anus it should be VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE to keep passing gas!! Thank GOD once again science is able to TRIUMPH!
And down in Joe's HOLY BODE...
OH!!! ONO WE BE...OH NO NO NO!!! NO FOOD FOR PWESSA AND NO WILL TO RHYME!!!!
OPP'S *poop* I SOIL MYSELF SO SCARED!!! ME SO!!!
To be continued...
Heh...*pant* got you fuckers!!! *pant* Oh, I need to sit down...*cough* *wheeze* Heh heh hee..I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!! I WON THE DAY!!!
Yes...yes, but at what price?!? At what PRICE indeed!!!! HOO HOO HOO!!! *fart*...damn!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-04-02
Having turned his back on GOD, life, and his very sanity...SAINT JOSEPH finds himself in the farthest reaches of the galaxy...with the DEVIL!!!
Lemme see here...so if I'm reading this right, this document GUARANTEES me fame, fortune and at least one CELEBRITY WIFE in exchange for my SOUL and ONE SEXUAL FAVOR!!!
Oh don't be so NAIVE Young Ashcroft...unfortunate as it may be for you...I CAN read your mind. So do be a good chap and enter into this COVENANT with me.
Alright then...I've made COVENANT's before, but what kind of SEXUAL SERVICES would you like me to RENDER for you?
Oh! Why nothing big really...and NO ONE HAS TO KNOW!!! Let me PROBE you gently, slowly and PROFESSIONALLY in the fanny with this pitchfork of mine...I PROMISE by the END of this I'll have DONE you a
favor?
Why YES a favor! A GOOD TIME kind of favor! And to SWEETEN the DEAL I'll throw in one of these NEAT ties like the one I'm wearing! So what'll it be...my dear priest?!?

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-05-02
We join our hero in the wee hours of the morning...
*Yawn* Wow, what a good sleep. It's days like this that make me glad to be alive.
Huh? A letter. "Dear Adam, I am writing you because I have left your mother and need a place to stay. See you soon." -Dad
*Cough*

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-05-02
We find our hero in the throes of yet another emotional battle...
DAMN-IT! How could my Dad ruin my life a SECOND time?
Well, I'll just put it all behind me with a little work.
Ah Adam, glad you came in early today. I'd like you to meet your new manager.
"Dad..."
"Cockbreath..."

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-05-02
Meanwhile, back at Adam's place, we find our hero and his dad in deep conversation...
So.....dad. I guess it's good to have you...ah...here.
Crap, Ad, it will only be for a few weeks and I'm gone, I swear.
Now where's the pussy up in this place?
Dad.... *whew*...ah...I'm....well, ya see... I'm, oh gosh. Let me put it this way; You may see a few dongs around this join but nary a snatch.
Oh my god...
...total sausage-fest.

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-05-02
We find our hero trying to spin his way out of his latest caper...
Adam, I don't understand. When did this happen?
Dad, there isn't a specific moment in time when you 'become' gay. It simply happens.
And besindes, I'd rather you accepted...
Listen you rubes, I'm not paying you to stroke yourselves. Now get to work!
Fuck, we could be getting paid for that?
Fuck, I thought I WAS getting paid for that?

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-06-02
Saint Joseph finds himelf in the DEEPEST BOWELS of OUTER SPACE!!!
Well, I DO have to admit that's a pretty nice tie...but I gotta tell ya this WHOLE THING is so GAY!!! I mean why do fame and riches always have to come with some STUPID MOLESTATION PRICE TAG!?
*pfft* Are you going to LET ME RAVAGE your BOTTOM or are you just going to STAND there and PHILOSOPHIZE all day??? Just think of it as a sort of NAUGHTY INVERTED POTTY!!!
But at least I've some control over...err...my POTTY. Oh, HELL with it...I guess as long as my CELEBRITY WIFE doesn't have to know!!!
Hah! Done and done! The undersigned hereby agrees to forgo his SOUL to the aforementioned party (that's ME) and COVENANTS to allow the aforementioned to SUP from his LOINS!!!
Tune in next week...
NOW JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!!! YOU SAID THIS WAS JUST GOING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL ANAL PROBE!!! WHY...I DIDN'T PROMISE YOU A BLOW JOB!!!
Oh don't start crying now!!! Or did I just hear SOMEONE say they didn't want their CELEBRITY WIFE AND TIE!?!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-06-02
Having signed over his soul and a sexual favor in exchange for fame, Saint Joe finds himself at an emotional crossroads!
Will you please at least TURN THE LIGHTS OFF!!!THIS IS GOING TO BE HUMILIATING FOR ME!!!
Well of course...now that the HARD DEALING'S DONE I guess it won't hurt to show you my sensitive side. I PROMISE I'll be respectful of who you are...just think of how PRETTY your wife will be!
Wait! Wait, wait, wait...(sob) let me just get ready for a second (sniff) OK? This...this is the first time I've ever...
...been with a MAN?
Ba-hhooo-bo-hoo-hoo-hoo (sniff) Uh huh. Just let me...
ENOUGH OF YOUR BLUBBERING!!! I said I'll TURN THE LIGHTS OFF but then this PITCHFORK'S COMIN' AT 'CHA!!! *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* PREPARE FOR ANAL INSERTION!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
3-06-02
In a DRAMATIC TWIST of IRONY, Saint Joseph has found himself engaged in the most ABHORRED OF SODOMIES!!!
Oh my God...
Ohhhh...SHE'S LEAVING!!! ON THAT MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA!!!
But unbeknownst to both, in the DARKEST DEPTHS of FORGOTTEN PLACES, two little CHINESE IMPS in Joes stomach are FREED from their OWNER'S TOMB!!!
Oh!!! WEEBE WEEBE FREE-IE FREE-IE OPIN POTA FO DEE POOPEE!!!!
Ahhhh (cough) AHH SO SUNFWOWA!!! PWEPARE DEE GASTWHA INCINEWATA!!!!
KAAAA-POOOOOPPPAAAAAAAPPPPpppffffffrrrrrrrrrtttttt!!!!
Hah HAH!!! STOPPING SO SOON!?!??
BY JUDAS!!! THAT BLAST COMBINED WITH MY OWN EVIL HAS REDUCED ME TO FLAMES!!!! YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
5-21-02
So you thought you could SODOMIZE A SAINT!?! Tsst tsst tsst you should've known better!!! Now if you'll PARDON me I need to go see if I perhaps possibly have any MARSHMALLOWS to ROAST! PWA-HAH-HA!!
WAIT!!! Young Ashcroft you're forgetting a-a-about your celebrity wife...a-a-and the tie I promised you!!!
...gee, you're right. WAIT A MINUTE!!! You already promised me MY WIFE and I HELD UP MY END of the deal!!!
HOH HOH HOH!!! OH AYE YOU DID, YOUNG ASHCROFT!! But what's important is that I can't grant you ANYTHING in this state!!!
OH MY GOD!!! You've GOT to be kidding me

 

by Toots_MacFadden
5-21-02
SAINT JOSEPH'S encounter with the DEVIL is interupted by a brief and utterly useless ethereal encounter with some other form of deity in the shape of a humble chinaman!!!
What in the name of my SWEET LOVING SAVIOR is going on here!??!
JOE, LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY...WHATEVER THE DEVIL TELLS YOU TO DO...DON'T DO IT!!!
*POOF*
Wha- WHo...What the HELL kind of advice is THAT?!? And how are you able to keep SHAPESHIFTING!?!
Joseph, this is GOD...DON'T DO IT!!!
NOW YOU LISTEN HERE WHOEVER YOU THINK YOU ARE!!! FOR YOUR INFORMATION THE DEVIL HAS OFFERED ME A CELEBRITY WIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR MY SOUL AND SOME MILD FONDLING...NOT EVEN GOD COULD CUT A SWEETER DEAL!!
...uhhh. FORGET WHAT I SAID...DO WHATEVER SATAN ASKS!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
6-03-03
FORSAKEN BY HUMANITY, half starved, and having COMPLETELY BRASSED OFF our god and savior, SAINT JOSEPH decides to reconcile with the DEVIL!!!
alright, Alright, ALRIGHT!!!! Tell me MY DARK LORD, what must I do to restore MARROW IN THY BONES?!?!
*hack* *whoo-hooo* *cough* GOOD TO SEE YOU JOE!!! Quickly now, DIP YOUR LOINS in my FLAME!!!
OH MY GOD!!! That sounds so GAY!!!
DOOOO IIIIIIIT!!! FOR HELL'S SAKE MAN there's a CELEBRITY WIFE ON THE LINE HERE!!!
Ah ah ah!!! NOT UNLESS you throw in the GIFT OF INVISIBILITY!!!
What the...? oh you're good JOE!!! HAH HAH HAH!!! AH HAR HARH HAR!!! It's done!!! Now dip THINE LOINS IN ME SLOWLY NOW...and hold the position until you hear a SOFT SIZZLING SOUND!!!

 

by Toots_MacFadden
6-03-03
In what can only be considered as MAN'S CLOSEST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH OPEN FLAME, St. JOE RESURRECTS the DEVIL in exchange for a celebrity wife and the gift of INVISIBILITY!!!
WHAR HAR HAR!! I'M BACK! --doo be doo doo do bee da beedee bo bee -- I'M BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN!!! (a beat) oh! What's wrong YOUNG ASHCROFT? Aren't you gonna KISS AND HOLD ME like it meant som..
*sob* BOO HOO HOO HOO!!! MY LOINS HAVE COMPLETELY CINDERED AND BLOWN LIKE SO MUCH DUST IN THE WIND!!! What will I tell my celebrity WIFE?!! Ungh huh huuh sob...*sniff* it might as well be INVISIBLE!
...the worm turns
HAH! Exactly the point!!! AND SO BEGINS MY END OF THE BARGAIN! You're loins are NOT TO BE SEEN!! And here now before you is the CORPSE OF A WOMAN NAMED SHELBY WINTERS!!! DECEASED 1812...
WAIT A GOD DAMNED SEC HERE!!! You mean to tell me that THE CORPSE IN THAT GRAVE IS MY WIFE!??! I-I-I've never even heard of SHELBY WINTERS!! She's no CELEBRITY!!!
...and turns
Oh sure she's no celebrity now...but when WORD BREAKS THAT YOU TOOK A CADAVER TO BED SHE'LL BE ALL OVER THE PRESS!!! HA HA HA!! (whispers) so come on...aren't you ganna KISS THE BRIDE!!!
(...sweet god almighty.) So let me guess...ABOUT THE TIE YOU PROMISED ME...is it a BOLO or something!??!

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