All comics by Twanzilla

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by Twanzilla
2-23-09
I don't believe I'm here.
I could just kill Josh for getting me to come to this thing.
Hey, aren't you that annoying black guy who used to think he was funny?
Correction: I AM going to kill Josh.

 

by Twanzilla
2-23-09
Hey, Irma, what are you doing now? How're you and Becky?
Irma?
Irrational hatred in three, two, one...
YOU'RE A MAN! I HATE YOU!!

 

by Twanzilla
2-23-09
Man, this reunion is terrible.
How much worse could this possibly get?
Cocaine is a hell of a drug... and so is mescaline, Valium, weed, E, greenies, uppers, downers, Thai stick...
Shit, it's Lucas.

 

by Twanzilla
2-23-09
Well, how was your reunion? You enjoyed it, right? Got phone numbers, got some action, got some...
...got some Fists of Fury.

 

by Twanzilla
2-24-09
I have a cold today, so I'm not going to be very funny.
Are you usually funny? I hadn't noticed.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Dude, it was a flaming disaster.
That bad, huh?
Listen, I'll tell you how bad it was: this one girl got drunk and did a striptease where she ended up completely naked.
That doesn't sound so bad.
It's damn bad when she weighs about five hundred pounds.
Ooh.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Then, I had to hear about all my female friends' married lives, and I wanted to laugh.
Laugh?
Well, of course. Most of them were telling me their men wouldn't do oral on them. I laughed and told them that they shouldn't be with those men.
Right.
Then they asked me how I did it on my woman.
Say what?

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
I couldn't believe it. It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
Even though you look gayer than hell?
Oh, please, JB, I could be straight if I wanted.
Sure you could, Antwan.
See, Steamworks is a gay bathhouse...
Where are you going now?
To Steamworks.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Wow, Antwan seemed upset.
That fucker, he's always blaming others for his mistakes.
Let's go out to the bar while he has his fun.
Speaking of blaming others for their mistakes...
Well, thanks, Josh, now I'm in the drunk tank with a dumbass instead of between the legs of some tranny coed.
Qui' lynin to yasef, chump, it's yo fawt we heah. *burp*

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
JB, you know better, man. WHY did you let Josh talk you into going out and getting drunk with him??
I didn't get drunk. Besides, there's just something wrong with that kid.
Really. So this is a problem I have to solve?
Yes, really. How in the hell is it that he can be so cute but be so stupid to constantly get in fights over nothing? To constantly go with extremes to solve his problems?
So, how are you going to solve this problem?
By putting a bullet in my head.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Look, Drew, I already said I was sorry about sleeping with your wife.
You're sorry?
For 10 long, grueling years I had to put up with your farting and all this other bullshit, my wife is comparing my dick to yours mentally now, and you're sorry?
Well, isn't she better at it now?
Yes...I mean, NO!

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Adam, I still can't believe you would stab me in the back like that.
Look, it was just a one time thing.
Why don't I believe you, Adam? Because you're known for being a goddamn rabbit?
Drew, come on, you're overreacting?
Overreacting? HOW?
Because it was only straight missionary, it's not like I made her give me 2 or 3 BJ's, just one.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Look, Adam, I don't really want to keep making a scene about this, so let's get one thing straight.
I'm listening.
My wife is off-limits. To you, to Anderson, to Chris, to Lauren, to anyone who might want to take a run at her.
Alright, qu-quiet down there, Drew.
If this is true, you're going to go to jail, buddy. :)
Stay the hell out of this, Bruce.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
Drew, we have to go do the show, are you sure you're fine with this?
Adam, I'm not fine, but I'm a tough guy.
A man of extreme passion, you might say?
Stop fucking calling me that, Adam.
The funny part is, Adam used to use that term at least once a show.
Well, it's true, isn't it?
The next time you call me that, I'm going to go from a man of extreme passion to a man of extreme anger.

 

by Twanzilla
2-26-09
So, listen, our guest wants to hear Dr.Drew on Crank Yankers, where we talk about getting Loveline back on MTV.
Dr.Drew is out of the studio because he's embarassed about that call, but...
Hold on, I just saw Dr.Drew, a man of exquisite passion, hit Dr.Bruce, who I call Dr.Spaz, in the nose.

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
I was listening to some audio a few weeks ago for the third time, and it was some black guy calling Joan Rivers a racist.
Joan got so indignant she yelled "How Dare YOU??!!" about 40 times. But, what she should have said was:
"A racist? Look at me, and look at Melissa. Do we look like we haven't been taking black dick for years?"

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
I always got weird advice from my gay uncle when I was younger.
He sat me on his knee, tilted his head back and said,
Yet this only made sense when I became a practising homosexual...
"Kid, never give a shocker to a power bottom."

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
Dude, look!
Yeah...what am I looking at.
Hot chick over there...nice face, big boobies, a ghetto-booty... Who does she look like to you?
A man.

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
Snake, man, why are you so paranoid?
Paranoid? You hooked me up with a tranny, were going to do it again, and almost let me get banged last weekend after I got bombed.
Oh, come on, Snake, you know better than that.
Do I? All I ever get from you is how much you love trannies and all this other bullshit. I'm straight, man, got it?
Dude, why do you think I like trannies?
Because you're retarded.

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
Are you quite finished acting like a child, or is there more?
Look, dude, I think you should just leave me alone for good.
Really?
Fuck no, dumbass, you're my boy. Besides. without you, how do I pay my bar tab?

 

by Twanzilla
3-01-09
Josh, I think I should probably stop going to the bar, grow my hair, and settle down with a boyfriend.
WHATTTTTT?????
(He can't hear me over the music)
I'm going home and cut my nuts off for even suggesting that.
what i say bout talkin to them walls, nigga

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
Man, I've got to get out of that house.
What house?
The one with the car parked in front of it.
What car?
You're one annoying sumbitch, you know that?
Why do you think I do it?

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
There's a lot of work to be done.
Obviously everyone thinks this way...
I just didn't say I was going to be doing it.

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
So it turns out the guy from the freecreditreport.com commercials is lip-syncing all those great tracks.
He's some guy with a French Canadian accent you can't trust around your girlfriend.
Sad part is, he's still a better musician than Kevin Federline.

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
So I keep running into this one guy at the bar who seems convinced I...well, can't get the job done.
Oh?
He's convinced I have a small penis.
Are you saying you don't?
You know, I have no idea why I tell any of you lunkheads anything.
Mainly because it's funny that you expect sympathy instead of mockery.

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
Seriously, though, dickhead, he's one of these guys who seem convinced that because I'm not walking around with an erection I can't play up to par.
But you know better, right?
Of course I do, man, but how do I prove it?
You could always just walk around in a loincloth.
How on earth would that help me? By getting me arrested for indecent exposure?
Well, it would be good for a laugh, wouldn't it?

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
Hey, baby, I...
Allen, what are you doing.
Oh, I'm going over my pickup lines that I wrote down before I left.
You wrote down pickup lines?
Well, of course, doesn't everybody?
They usually don't take them to the bar with them so everyone can watch them fail.

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
So, here's the situation
I'm listening.
I've been dancing for about an hour, right, and that guy I was telling JB about is here.
Right.
So, how do I solve this problem? I want to screw him but he won't give me a chance.
My humble advice is to go home, make a mixed drink, dress in your best smoking jacket, and put a bullet in your head.

 

by Twanzilla
3-10-09
(the injoke is the character chosen to portray Dr.Drew.)
Me, I'm glad this week is over.
So, until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr.Drew saying "Mahalo"
I'm going to enjoy this next week without Adam. All he ever does is fuck up my sex life.
By the way, Drew, did you know my trip was cancelled and I'll be here all next week?
the other joke being that Adam and Drew were so linked that Drew wanted time away from Adam and rarely got it.
Okay, Me, you've made your point.
You know I couldn't let you actually help people. Loveline isn't about the callers, it's about me.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
I decided to hook up with Lexi the other day.
Sounds good.
So I had the idea to sneak in with my key and surprise her and jump on her in her bed
Sounds good.
Then she came in the room and asked "Why are you naked in my bed with my father?"
Explains the scratches on your back.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
I've had no luck lately.
Tell me about it.
So I decided something.
I bet you did.
Your friend Johnnie would look good naked next to me.
What a coincidence! This bottle would look good broken over your head!

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Why Johnnie?
Why not him? He's thick, he's attractive, and I've wanted to fuck him since day 1.
Why would you fuck him? He's not worth it, man. He's...got stuff.
So I'll wear a condom.
Dude, you know condoms break sometimes.
If only the one your mom was using didn't.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Antwan, I am forbidding you to have any kind of sexual contact with Johnnie.
You...you're forbidding me??
Yes, I am.
Hey Josh, remind me, how much bail money have I put up for you in the past two years? Would you like that to end?
I humbly withdraw the objection.
While you're at it, would you withdraw the perfume the Spanish drag queen left in my room? Stop spraying it and beating off, it's clogging my nose.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Well, how was it?
I can't remember.
That's not what I hear-r-r-r-r-d....
Get out before I kill ya.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
I heard you couldn't get it up.
That's accurate, but I had my reasons.
Yeah? What could possibly be a good reason for you to fail at that?
He...um...wasn't...um...prepared.
Oh...ick.
How do you think I felt? I was kissing his ass...literally.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
I couldn't believe it. All that preparation, for what?
What do you mean, for what? Sex is tough on a bottom!
YOU would know about that.
Har har. I'm serious, though, you're just as much at fault for this as he is.
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT?
I don't know, but I was trying to be serious for a second before I started laughing at you.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Well, Bed, it happened again.
Another failure to achieve nirvana...
But at least I can count on you for sympathy.
You wish, Loser Guy.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Twan, really, you shouldn't beat yourself up about this.
Why shouldn't I?
Every time I try to get laid, there's always some disaster. Some guy feels me when I'm soft and decides he can't get any satisfaction, and another guy..ugh.
Well, I do have a way you could resolve this.
What, persistence and hard work?
Actually, I was going to suggest becoming a rapist, but yeah, that could work too.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Hey, Josh, I'm stumped.
Really? What about?
Well, it's Kristen.
Kristen giving you trouble again?
Well, she says she's pregnant, and that it's mine.
That'd make sense if Kristen wasn't a tranny. Don't call Maury this time, you went through this with Shana, even though her piece was bigger than yours.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Twan, you should become a rapper.
A...rapper?
Yeah. You could stop worrying about getting laid, you'd have a ton of money, and no one would think you're as as uncool as they do now.
That's all well and good, but there's just one problem.
I can't rap.
Didn't stop Kanye West.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Twan, you've got that smile on your face.
Yeah...
I know that smile.
I'm sure you do.
It's that smile that says "I just watched a bestiality porn."
No, it's that smile that says "I'm about to tear your head off and bowl a strike with it."

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
No, you idiot, I met someone!
You did? YOU?
Why's that so hard to believe?
Because you're like Charlie Brown.
What, that I'm always complaining about my life?
No, that your head is like a balloon and bigger than the rest of your body.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Yeah, I did meet someone, he's cute, he's nice...
Is he black?
...why does this matter?
Because you're the first guy to whine about blacks dating whites, and you go running away from the brothers at first opportunity.
How does ANYONE get ME confused with Tyra Banks????
I'm sorry, did this suddenly turn into the twilight zone? I've never said anything to that effect.
Maybe I'm thinking about Tyra Banks.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Hey, I got an idea!
Your first one in months?
Can the comedy, dickwad. Why don't you and I double date? Me and Abbie and you and your friend?
Ohhhh, no. I know better than that.
The last time I went double dating with you, I lost one of my best shirts and got my ass kicked when you got drunk and picked a fight with the cops. ALL SIX OF THEM.
And I would have won if they hadn't tasered me!!

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
So, here's the plan: We'll go to Jack's over on Belmont and Halsted and...
Wait a second...
I gotta make sure I have bail money.
Listen, Twan, stop being a worrywart, I'll be on my best behavior.
This is going to end badly.
I know. That's why I'm making sure I have enough for both of us.
Oh...well...okay then.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Ding-dong.
I got it, it''s for me.
...hello?
Antwan, it's Jimmy. I'm in girl form.
Yeah, still not going to end well.
...Goddamn, but you're beautiful. *drool*
Of course I am. Wipe your chin off and make sure you have enough money to take me out. And not to Burger King this time.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
JB, I'm not going to be able to do it.
Why not?
Go look at Jimmy.
Sure.
five minutes later.
Sweet Mother of Morton Downey.Jr.
Dude, we're going to need pistols, brass knuckles, and a dump truck full of luck to get the hell out of that restaurant.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
Abbie, I'm hyperventilating. What if this doesn't go well?
Relax, things'll be fine. You and Twan have known each other for years. You two will be fine.
JB, I'm hyperventilating. What if this doesn't go well?
Your only hope is to kill yourself and hope you get another chance as something that walks upright.

 

by Twanzilla
8-23-09
All right? Well, time to...
Wait a minute...you can't go out like that.
Oh, for the love of...
Change or the date's over.
Fine, how's this?
Nice try. Now, go put on something else.

 

by Twanzilla
8-28-09
Hey, the food here isn't bad.
I told you that already.
For what they charge, it should taste like Nirvana.
And if it doesn't, you know I do.
..you're just teasing me now, aren't you?
You've been rejected a lot, I take it?

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