All comics by another_punchline

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So what made you decide to go on a blind date?
Arr, I was looking for some booty.
by another_punchline, 1-15-08

 

Give it to me straight doc, is it cancer?
No, Mr. Peterman. It is not cancer. You simple had a piece of bacon stuck to the inside of your leg. Those invasive tests were something of an oversight.
Dah...That's great news, doc.
The hallucinations should stop in no time, soon you'll be back to a hundered percent. And as a gesture of good faith I even saved the piece of bacon for you.
Three Month Later...
Bacon, will you marry me?
It's to soon...

 

Do you have fresh breast milk?
You want fries with that?
by another_punchline, 1-16-08

 

It just... All happened so fast.
And your the only witness left!
It just... All happened so fast.

 

Our age means nothing. They can't keep us apart.
...

 

(sigh) Long day...
You're telling me.

 

Finally, the off season. Eleven months of screwing woman and drinking.
I want my mommy.

 

So you say he got away...
by another_punchline, 1-23-08

 

So I told him that's not an artery, that's a fish stick!
... I don't get it.
So I told him that's not a lung, that's a fish stick!
Where's my lung!

 

Father, I'm don 't know how to say this but... You only have a week left to live.
I am not afraid my son. Jesus will take care of me.
Great, but who is going to take care of this bill?

 

So what's the diagnosis doc, good?
Well I'll give you a hint. Five letters; Lump, swelling, inflammed.
Uh... Bruise? Warts? Tumor?
Tumor, of course. You have a tumor. One more and I finish the crossword.
...
Now do you know a nine letter word for shrink?

 

You're leaving?
What gave it away? The suitcases with my clothes in it or the plane ticket on the table?
The second one.

 

Next on Fox a three hour Will and Grace marathon.
Much better.
by another_punchline, 2-02-08

 

So...
So...
You want some breakfast?
I think I should go. I have a assasination in a half-hour and then a job inteveriew at two. I'll call you.
You didn't leave your number.

 

So...
So this is me.
Hey, you see the way I hacked that guy up.
Yeah, you were great. And that waiter totally deserved it.

 

...The ninja snuck into the orphanage late last night. Three are dead numerous injured.
Where were you?
Uh, cheating.

 

Hey Angry American I just won the Noble Peace Price for developing the first medicine to cure cancer global warming and all addictions in a easy spray form. They gave me this hammer and nail trophy.
You call that a trophy?

 

Heaven
Angry American my child I have watched your entire sinful and judgemental existence and I have decided to show mercy on you and let you into the heavenly gates for I know your heart is pure.
You call that omnipotent all-knowing power?
(angry groan)
Hell
...
You call that a mustache?

 

You called me sir.
Mac, word from the water cooler is you're having an inter-office relationship. We frown apon that.
That's him. You know what we must to do.
He'll never see it coming.

 

I don't know if a couple costume party was a good idea.
Well maybe if you dressed up!

 

Okay, let's go over it again. We scale the walls then cartwheel into the window ninja star the two guards belly crawl into the vents back-flip over the tripwires and steal the ancient statue.
Does this robe make me look fat?
by another_punchline, 2-03-08

 

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...
Dude, those guys are SO racist.
I told you.

 

Can you belive he's with a white girl?
Black Ninja Convention
Honey, you want some punch?
Uncle Tom mother-fucker!

 

Dr. Kevorkian has been released from prison.
One Week Later
O.J. Simpson has been realsed from prison.
(sigh) It's gonna be a long year.

 
Canadian Army...

 

Canadian Navy...
by another_punchline, 2-11-08

 

...
Don't look at me you made it.
by another_punchline, 2-12-08

 

George Bush Press Conference
Iran
Iwack
Iran
Iwack
Iran
Iwack... Darnitt.

 

Well might as well start my class book. "War and Peace. Dedicated to my wife Nancy" Good enough for me.
What'cha doing?
Reading "War and Peace."
What's it about?
Nancy.

 

Wooo Wooo Ahhh Ahhh.
Yes Spanky...I am... Also reading some kind of... Human... life form in the area.
Woo Ahh Ahhh Wooo Ahhh.
I now seriously regret firing spock.

 

Spock, I've... Recieved word of some... punk-ass bitchies repping our turf in sector c.
...
Say it!
Let's ride on them nigga's.
And...
(sigh) Whoody Whooo.

 

MTV Cribs
So, this is my view of the world. I come here to get prospective on my children cast miracles and save the innocent.
And this is where all the magic happens.

 

Eggs, h... Have you seen my... My keys?
I'm not giving you your keys back Bacon, you're totally fried.
by another_punchline, 2-13-08

 

Eggs, I have a girl coming over tonight and I would appreciate some privacy.
What kind of girl has sex with a piece of bacon?
A horny pig that lacks morals, integrity, and self-asteem.
You're dating my ex-wife?
Shirley!

 

Happy Valentine's Day!
Valentine's Day was yesterday. How could you forget?
...
Well? What do you have to say for yourself?
Waaa... You killed my father. Now you... Must die... Waaa.
I should have married a dentist.

 

Hey kids, it's me Smokey McCool. You ever get stressed out on the last level of Tekken?
During that suprise math test?
Or at the state pen visiting your abusive alcoholic father who was always to "tired" to attend your softball games? Then try the Smokey McCool's flavored cigarettes. Now in Rocky Road and Candy Cane.
Mmm, tastes like repression.

 

Just stay calm. I'll be in to save you.
Right. Fire first, then cat. I gotta start reading the hand book.

 

Who's your daddy?
Free Clinic
That's what I asked!

 

Open Mic Night
...So I told vem, you call that a Bloody Mary?
YOU SUCK!
by another_punchline, 2-26-08

 

You see the new intern in accounting? Nice little frame on her, huh?
Yeah, she has leukemia, I give her week.
See, this is why nobody invites you to office parties.

 

First Date
Well, here we are. What now?
Drop those pants and let's take a look.
by another_punchline, 2-27-08

 

Hey Eggs, did you know that a mature pig has the intelligents of a fourth grader?
What's your point Bacon?
I came from a pig.
Again, your point?
Where do babies come from?

 

Easter Day
Looks like 120 yards.
Hey, do you have a feeling we should be somewhere?
by another_punchline, 3-03-08

 

Walgreens
One AIDS test please.
Sorry all out.
Walgreens
Then I'll just take a Fruit Rollup.

 

Hey Doc, how's the colon exam going?
Well actually, It seems that your googlinator is in perfect alignment with your yackal. And on another quick not, can I buy you dinner?
Remind me to call my lawyer, and my therapist.

 

Dave, I thought I laid you off? Didn't you get the mem...
Oh...

 

Doctor Phillips I just read your analysis on Mr. Avery's autophy.
I hope there are no problems.
Well it is quite lengthy. Do you feel seventy-eight pages is necessary for a man who died chocking on a bagel?
It was a very big bagel.
And was it really necessary that fifty of those pages are on Mr. Avery's colon, along with personal messages such as; "I'd need to get me some of dat."
It is a very nice colon.

 

Eggs, I did it. I got us internet!
This is great, now we can print out coupons for cereal and email Anderson Cooper when I politely disagree with his views.
And porn! Unscrambled and everything.
Hey, what kind of porn does a piece of bacon watch?
Asian chicks, mostly.
...

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