All comics by batFucker

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by batFucker
6-19-04
so, yeah, she was really reluctant at first. i mean, my **** was hanging out, pants were down, and she was there on her knees, just kinda looking like she wasn't too thrilled with the whole idea...
i wasn't sure what to say, but i really wanted her to go on, i mean, jesus... but yeah, finally she got to work. took me a bit of reassuring though... but, you know, the means justify the ends.
yeah, i hear you man. damn good for you though. what'd you finally say to get her to finish?
well, i just said, "look grandma, i can turn this car around and go straight back to the old folk's home. is that what you really want?"

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
how was the party?
damn man. it was nice. i met this girl, and we really hit it off. i snuck her into an upstairs room, and had all her clothes off.
man, i'm telling you. she was fucking hot, and i hadn't been laid in over a month, so i was fucking excited as fuck, but yeah, the cops showed up, and we all had to scatter.
i usually duct tape their mouth's shut, and make sure to steal their cell phones so they can't call for help first.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
stay cool... stay cool... stay cool... stay cool...
that's why i don't let my daughter out on dates anymore. can you believe that? she's only 12 years old for fuck's sake! kids today, you know?
stay cool... stay cool... stay cool... stay cool...
DAMN!!!!
jesus christ, you have a fucking boner, you sick fuck!

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
fucking christ that's hot! man... i fucking love long blonde hair... really gets me... oh, and i love that fucking tight white t shirt!
jesus, i wish i could rip that flannel off, and run my hands under that tight white t shirt. god i'd love to suck those nipples!

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
yeah, it's amazing how much this little guy likes it. he gets to crying, and i just shove it in his mouth, and it shuts him up. he'll just suck away for hours...
did i tell you i babysit?

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
oh my fucking god i fucking love mayonnaise so fucking much.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
growing up, i had a dog. her name was lisa, and i often played house with her. she was my best childhood friend.
i was the husband, and lisa was the wife. i had a gi joe man, and he was our son, and i had a ninja turtle, and he was also our son. i even built a fort, and it was our home.
the best thing about being married was that i didn't have to use condoms.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
i'm sorry sir, but i simply can not allow you to dine in our fine establishment.
i didn't realize that you had a dresscode. can i run home and change into a nice shirt and pants?
not unless by "change into a nice shirt and pants" you mean "reverse time and proceed again without exposing my small penis to the group of girlscouts dining in the corner booth."
damn.
indeed.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
freak.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
i got cable the other day. it's amazing what stuff they show on the tv with cable.
i got this one channel... fuck... i forget which one. or what show... but they had on the olsen twins. heh heh... you know i got out the lotion and rubbed one out.
"full house", that was the name of the show, "full house".

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
actually, i'm from here. i've never been to england, but i still like the vest, you know? it's got a great look, and i think it makes me cool.
goddamnit. i was planning on picturing you naked tonite, as an old english man, who, after years of stereotypical poor dental hygene, was left with nothing but warm, soft, inviting gums.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
it's your fucking move.
jesus christ. before i die of fucking boredom...
they never play well when they're all bound and tied.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
meanwhile, i realized i executed teh last one poorly...
it's your fucking move.
jesus christ. before i die of fucking boredom...
kids fucking suck at chess. especially when i got 'em all tied up and shit.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
i met this girl the other day. man, it was really special.
she's got the cutest face, and she's fucking hot. i talked to her for a bit, and she was nice. she was funny, sweet, and smart. too smart for me though, really.
i mean, when i offered her the candy to try to coax her into my car, she fucking started running and screaming.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
can i help you sir?
uh, yeah, uh, where are, uh, your, uh, you know, uh, condoms?
this is fucking taco bell, you fucking pervert.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
targeted marketing is so fucking stupid. who the fuck falls for it? jesus christ, people are so fucking stupid.
so as a teacher, when i get a headache, what else do i reach for? excederine. the headache medicine.
wake up around bout noon n beat off ta kiddie porn. throw on the same fucking clothes i juz done fuckin' worn. da da ta da daaa i'm lovin' it. mc donalds.
yeah, uh, i'd like one big mac please.

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
i hate phones.
i mean, they always interrupt you during the worst possible times... you know what i'm talking about...
by "phones", i mean "pepper spray".

 

by batFucker
6-19-04
note to self: don't tell my date she should lose a few pounds our first time out.
and stop referring to her dog as "my future cock holster".

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
i went out with a girl last night. at first, it wasn't going to well.
then, when we were at the movies, i went to get a cheap feel after she returned from the bathroom. turned out she had left, and some lardo took her seat, so i was fondling some fat guy's man breasts.
the date went pretty well after that.

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
i hate waiting for programs to install. all you can do is sit and watch some fucking progress bar move slowly to the right.
[||.........]
and you have to sit there and watch, just in case something goes wrong, or if the program needs some fucking gay ass custom installation information entered.
[|||||||....]
[|||||||||||] illegalpreteenboysuckingandfucking.mpeg download complete

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
my dentist gave me a nice electric toothbrush, and charged it to my dental insurance. after a few days, i realized i needed a better one, so i tried to take it back, but they wouldn't take it.
they told me i should have removed the fecal matter from the brush before i brought it back.

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
i went to the store earlier to buy a new pair of pants. i was testing out a pair, you know, seeing if they were what i wanted, but these fucking asshole store security fags came and escorted me out.
ok, ok. maybe i shouldn't have been in the little boy's dressing room...
masturbating.

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
i wonder what the fuck that guy is looking at. jesus christ, he looks like he's fucking entranced by something, but what the fuck is there to look at?
oh, i see! look at that fucking ass! damn... that's fucking nice! i'd love to just fucking rub my hands down those pants, and fucking smother my face in those fucking cheeks.
wait, fuck, he can't see his own ass...

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
i got back a philosophy test today that we took last week. i was pretty dissappointed in my grade. i thought i'd do well, but i ended up with less than 30/100.
i guess it wasn't that bad, considering that i forgot the difference between inductive and deductive reasoning...
and answering every question with the word "penis" probably didn't help much either.

 

by batFucker
6-20-04
so yeah, i couldn't get a date. i mean, i dunno.. i guess i should expect it, you know... i have long hair, i dress in black clothing... i guess i just look too different to have much dating success.
you're always wearing black too though... you have that same problem? what do you do?
i volunteer as a nurse at the old folk's home. most 'em don't know the difference between my dick in their ass and an enema.

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
i was thinking about death the other day.
i aint ready. there's so much left to do, so many things to see, so many sensations yet to experience, so many things yet to learn...
so many fish that need my lovin'.

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
got my physics exam back today. i didn't do too well.
there were a bunch of problems, each of whos solution was used in one last equation to get the final solution.
apparently it had nothing to do with ovens.

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
jesus. look at her. i wish i could just zap her into my life.
i'd love to have a few hours alone with her... i'd throw her down on my bed, and i'd pull those jeans right off. i'd kiss her inner thighs, and then i'd pull that shirt off...
then i'd take off that training bra...

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
heheh, yeah, when i was in 7th grade, i had this girlfriend for about 2 weeks. one day, we sneak into the bathroom at school; it was the first time i ever felt a girl up man.
i had a similar experience with a girl in 6th grade. fucking feels like it was yesterday man...
guess that's largely due to the fact that it was yesterday.

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
when i was young, my dad caught me beatin' off once. he was fucking pissed. i tried to explain that there wasn't any harm in it... you know... just completely natural... especially for my age...
guess he did have a point though...
i shoulda not put that mayonnaise jar back in the fridge.

 

by batFucker
6-21-04
would you believe that i am my brother's daddy?
no, it's not what you're thinking. this wasn't any jerry springer "my mom seduced me" bullshit. i mean, this involved a real complex family tree, some tricky marriages and divorces...
and that one time i had sex with my mom.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Got kicked outta Starbucks the other day. Fucking stupid. Said I could never come in Starbucks again.
Whatever.
Guess I shoulda used a catch-rag.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
People get way too offended way too easily now'a'days. Everyone's always forcing their political correctness on you.
"You can't call people 'retarded.'" "You can't say something's 'gay.'" "Stop using the term 'illegal immigrant.'"
"Stop taking pictures of my 10-year-old daughter."

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Got fired yesterday for shitting at work. How ridiculous is that?
What? Dude. That's fucked up. You have a right to shit at work.
Yeah. That's what I said. My office. My trash can. My right.
Ok. To be fair, I had a cubicle.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Got arrested for beating up some dude the other day.
It was self defense though. He saw me hitting on his girl. Totally got right up in my face and threatened to kick my ass. I panicked and clocked him in the mouth. But the fucking cops didn't care.
"He's only 11 years old," they said.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Home Owner Associations are so stupid. They make stupid rules that you have to follow for no reason. They called neighborhood security on me last night just for camping.
Their excuse for harassing me? I wasn't camping in my own property, but in the bushes outside some lady's house.
So glad I don't live in that neighborhood.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Chick at the grocery store was totally checking me out the other day. Caught her staring at my junk.
But fucking security kicked me out before I could talk her up. Pointed to some sign: "No shirt, no shoes, no service." But it had nothing to do with anything.
Cuz it don't say shit about pants.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Got kicked outta the gym the other day.
Made this big deal about how I didn't wipe down the weight machines after using them.
But those rules apply to sweat. They ain't got nothin' to do with piss.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Got pulled over last night. So fucking stupid. Wasn't speeding. Minding my own fucking business. But apparently you aren't allowed to freely drive in the United Police-States of America.
At least not in an Ice Cream truck.
Naked.

 

by batFucker
4-05-17
Last week was rough. So come Friday, I drank some cheap vodka, huffed some super glue, and fell asleep.
Woke up with my dick glued to the neighbor's dog.
Musta busted my nut at least 5 times.

 

by batFucker
4-07-17
Was sitting around drinking today. Got pretty trashed off some shit whiskey.
Decided to beat off. Cuz fuck it. But it was taking forever. Fucking whiskey dick.
Turned out to be a pretty boring bus ride.

 

by batFucker
4-07-17
Kids can say some fucked up shit now'a'days. This fucking girl-- couldn't have been more than 11 years old-- threatened to kill me the other day.
"See? That's why I got you all tied up," I says.
Pretty good date, all in all.

 

by batFucker
4-07-17
So I bought some condoms for this weekend. Shit's expensive.
Dude. Do I know you?
Bought some anal lube too. And picked up a bottle of gin.
If this is your idea of hitting on me: No. No way in the hell am I coming over. I don't even know you. Fucking creep.
Oh. No. I'm busy this weekend. Gonna be pet sitting my neighbor's dog.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
Had to urgently shit yesterday while out. So I had to shit in public. But I was constipated. Shit was taking forever, so some dude starts hassling me.
I told him to fuck off. It wasn't his lawn, so he should mind his own business.
Turns out it was his lawn.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
I've been trying to cut shit out of my budget lately. Just trying to get down to the necessities. Cut out a lot: Fast food, soda, paper towels, fancy shampoo...
...toliet paper
Oh. Just shit at work then? That really is the way to do it dude. Get paid to shit and never have to buy TP.
Oh. No. I got fired. I never leave the house anymore.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
I was called a creep the other day. "It is totally inappropriate for you to hit on me, fucking creep." Blah, blah, blah.
So I says, "Calm down, Mom. Fucking christ. You're totally ruining Mother's Day."
I took back her gift after that too. Those condoms were expensive.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
Was sitting in the park yesterday. Minding my own business. Police started hassling me.
I guess I was drinking in public. And I was huffing paint too.
And masturbating probably didn't help none either.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
Seriously. You need to leave my sister alone. She's not interested. At all. Come near her again, and we're pressing charges.
This is America. I can talk with her if I want. If she wants me to leave her alone, she can tell me herself.
Dude. She's in a coma.
And she's only 11.

 

by batFucker
4-08-17
I usually don't vote. But fuck. I had to this time.
Read this crazy story about Trump being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl.
Anyway, that's when I officially got on board the Trump Train.

 

by batFucker
4-10-17
Took off my shoes the other night and noticed my feet stank pretty bad.
Guess I should probably change my socks bit more often.
Especially after I been pissing on 'em.

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