All comics by bobertd3rd

 

by bobertd3rd
7-06-09
Okay, do something interesting so I can write about it.
Take me to your leader!
No, too cliche'. Can't you be a little more original?
Don't you get it kid. This is real.
I am going to go find something more interesting to do.
Damn humans...they are so jaded!

 

by bobertd3rd
7-10-09
I hit my peak during Jurassic Park the movie.
You think thats bad. My character has been doing sequels of a show for 30 years.
Did you know we did all our own stunts but the tabloids told everyone we used stunt doubles? Since then I haven't gotten a job.
Really, thats too bad. Dinasours were at least real!
There is no justice.
Oh my, they are making another Star Trek movie...gotta go!

 

by bobertd3rd
7-14-09
I've always felt like I was a character in a book. Like I am Harry Potter, Captain Ahab or Frodo.
It makes me think I'm missing out on something. Like I should be playing sports, flying planes or doing something exciting and I'm just missing my calling!
Turns out, I was right. Sadly I am the bug from Metamorphosis ...Thanks alot Kafka!

 

I hate my job. Its so boring, I want to do something exciting for once. All we ever do is go to work, eat, go home and sleep. Life sucks
Soooo, does that mean you don't want Friday's for lunch?
by bobertd3rd, 7-16-09

 

by bobertd3rd
7-20-09
So I understand you are loving your new job as a butcher.
Its okay. Although they say I don't have very good aim.
Well is there anything I can do to help?
Actually, you could hold this peice of meat steady.
I think you missed
Damn, not again.

 

by bobertd3rd
7-24-09
So I understand your a "working girl". You think we can work something out?
Sure baby, how much you got?
This is my whole pay check. You think we could make something happen?
Hmm, no. But I can find you someone more your price range sweety.
I understand you're looking for some company.
Damn economy.

 

by bobertd3rd
9-22-09
You kids these days! You're all so lazy, pourly dressed and have such a simple vocabulary.
Have you ever thought about putting a little thought into what you say?
Well?

 

by bobertd3rd
10-22-09
Man, you know what I hate?
Oh man, let me guess!
Um, ok...
Government, cell phones, religion, rap music, left turns, tight jeans, prudish women, text messaging, reality TV, hybrid cars, the state of American culture, and the world in general?????
Um...I was going to say getting gum on the sole of my shoe...
Oh yeah, I hate that too!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-22-09
Everyone hates me and I feel like I'm being stereotyped.
Why do you say that?
People for millinia have hated me simply because I'm red and have a deep booming voice.
Well I am red and having a booming voice. Not only that but I sneak in their houses, put kids on my lap, and give their kids cavities.
And no one hates you?
Hell no! In fact they give me cookies!

 

Painful Play On Words
Damn, I think I really hit the nail on the head with that one.
Yeah, so...Whats the point?
by bobertd3rd, 10-22-09

 

by bobertd3rd
10-23-09
I'm a priest
I'm a drunk
We are in a bar...
Yup...shouldn't we do something funny now?
Sigh
Wait, did I tell you the one about the priest and the drunk who walk into a bar...

 

by bobertd3rd
10-23-09
Doc, I was in an accident. You think you can fix me?
Sure! Lets start with a quick shot!
Ouch! You sure this is going to help?!
Don't worry, a little blood is normal!
Wow! That was simple!
Yeah, simple...riiiiiight!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-23-09
Hows that new diet going?
Its hard. But successful
I don't know how you do it. I enjoy food and alcohol too much!
Well honestly its harder when people eat in front of me. It sort of makes my mind and stomach go crazy.
I'm sorry. That was insensative of me. Whats with the weird look in your eye?
I need to leave before my stomach gets the better of me.

 

by bobertd3rd
10-23-09
Hi there
Do you want to see what I have under this coat??
AWWWW Pervert!!!
So you don't wanna buy a watch?

 

by bobertd3rd
10-24-09
Coming up, tonight on Channel 3 News. Stay Tuned!
This just in, aliens have invaded the Earth and the end of the world is near!
In other news, The American Idol Finale is tonight and we are all very excited! Tune in at 7 and find out who your NEW American Idol is!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-24-09
So where ya goin?
I've decided to go on a trek across country. I need to find myself and get some answers in my life.
I think while your away you can finally answer one of the worlds oldest questions.
Oh, really what question is that?
You ready for this????
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Did he really just go there?

 

by bobertd3rd
10-24-09
Mom is going to be SO mad at you for missing dinner.
Its the SciFi convention. You know I wouldn't miss it for the world. Mom and I will have dinner this week sometime.
You are so selfish. Ditching the family for something as silly as a Science Fiction Convention.
I gotta go, but I'll see you Sunday for dinner right?
Hell no...You know I've got football all day Sunday!
Football, man get a life!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-24-09
No...
Come on, why can't I drive?
Because last time you caused a 10 car pile up and left us with no hair or facial features.
Well can I ask one favor then...
Sure!
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP DRIVING ON THE GOLF COURSE THEN!!!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-25-09
So your sayin you would have sex with Laura Bush?
I'm sayin she was good lookin at some point!
But what about Hilary Clinton??
Isn't she a lesbian? Anyway, what about Michelle Obama?
I would so hit dat!
Damn skippy. She's hot!

 

by bobertd3rd
10-26-09
God, my friends tell me I drink too much. I got sick again last night, lost more friends and I'm drinking again. Give me a simple sign if you want me to stop drinking. Please lord...
Anything...Any kind of sign at all...

 

by bobertd3rd
10-27-09
Thanks for flying me home from school mister.
I am Captain Smiles...When ever the weak are in trouble, I'll be there. When ever there is someone in need, I'll be there. Wheneve...
Okay...well anyway. Thanks!
What would she have done without me?!
More like Get-A-Life-Man.

 

So a Catholic priest and Jesus walk into a bar...
I'm so sick of these jokes!
Not again!
by bobertd3rd, 10-27-09

 

by bobertd3rd
10-28-09
Doc, before you go into surgery did you hear?
Hear what?
They loosened the rules on Doctors. No more Mal-practice suits and stupid law suits.
Nice! I'll be right back.
Maybe that law wasn't thought through that well.
Perhaps I cut a bit too deep...

 

by bobertd3rd
10-28-09
My diabolical world to take over Earth is almost complete! Mwuaha!
Um, you realize this thing behind us only makes toasters right?
Lies!
You plan on toasting the humans?
Another failure!!
Note to self: Less Octane in his diet.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-04-09
I can't believe its the apocolypse.
Ehh, I've seen worse.
Um, sir this is the end of the world.
Well, maybe. But life must go on.
But sir...
So, whats your excuse for being late for work today?

 

by bobertd3rd
11-05-09
I wonder where we are.
They say not all who wonder are lost.
We don't have a map, and we are ACTUALLY lost!
Ahh but the road of life has no maps my friend.
This is the last time I pick a Deep thinking person to be my navigator...Don't you get it, we aren't proverbially lost, we are really LOST!
Oh, why didn't you just say so?

 

by bobertd3rd
11-07-09
Oh my god...I'm never drinking Tequila again...
GOOD MORNING BOB!! How was your night?
Ohh too loud.
Ohh...so much better

 

by bobertd3rd
11-07-09
So how did you vote in the last election?
Mr. John McCain of course...the war hero
So have you become a fan of Obama since he's been in office?
Don't be spreading those rumors!
It was just a question!
Well, now you know the answer.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-08-09
Why do we paint eggs and eat candy for Easter? What does it have to do with God?
Thats a tough question.
Does that mean you don't know the answer?
Well, I suppose something inspired Christians to do those things. I'm sure they all have a deeper meaning. But trust me, its all in the name of Jesus.
As long as the meaning behind my sacrifice is never forgotten then my death is justified.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-09-09
"Trust me" you said and "It will be okay" you said
We will be fine!
"Let me drive" you said. "I know where I'm going" you said. "I'll get us to Vegas " you said...
Well we got there didn't we?! I told you we would get to Earth.
This is Texas, they don't take kindly to our kind here!
What happens in Texas stays in Texas?

 

by bobertd3rd
11-11-09
God why have you thrust this job on me. Its the worst job in the world. Send me an angel to fix my problems!
Wow...you actually came!
You know, this isn't that bad of a job you know.
Okay, I see your point. It could be worse.

 

You suck!
Your a clown.
by bobertd3rd, 11-11-09

 

by bobertd3rd
11-12-09
Why did the Devil get thrown out of of Heaven? He was caught RED HANDED!
Not funny!
Everyone's a critic!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-13-09
My boss called today. He told me he wanted to give me work but he has No job.
What? HAHAH
Would you please stop laughing!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAhahah HEHEHE HUHUHUH HAHAHA Blow Job...
I said "No Job..."
Oh...whoops

 

by bobertd3rd
11-13-09
Please Get Out of the way.
I don't want to move...
This guy is such a Clock Block

 

by bobertd3rd
11-14-09
I really need a joke for the talent show this weekend.
How about this...
"Why did the human cross the road, to escape a painful death!" Now thats a funny joke!
Ehh, someone told that joke last week.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-15-09
What do you call a bunch of millionaires who get together every year to watch the Super Bowl?
What?
The Dallas Cowboys!
HA!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-16-09
A Turkey walks into a restaurant...
Hello sir, Table for one for dinner?
Nope I can't eat another thing...
I'm stuffed!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-17-09
Ahh, I'm on the Road right now. On my way to Texas. Home of Cowboys, trucks, tractors and tumble weeds!
Going to join a Republican, tequila drinking, racist, Souther Baptist church group! haha
Wow! Not what I expected
Welcome to Texas.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-18-09
I have a bone to pick with you!
Your just going to complain again.
Why do you say that?
I know you...
But maybe I'm going to say something different.
Nope, your too transparent.

 

by bobertd3rd
11-19-09
Social netorking. They are such fads...but I torched Friendster.
Then I zapped Myspace
Next...TWITTER!
AHHHHHHHH!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-19-09
This weeks number one movie is 2012
I thought you said it was this weeks number one movie?
It is. 2012 is the title of the movie.
Oh. Not a very imaginative title is it?
Don't worry, next week it will be on DVD and forgotten about.
What were we talking about?

 

by bobertd3rd
11-23-09
Mr. Robot...Whats wrong?
I just found out I can never truly be human...I have one huge fault!
What is it? The fact your a machine, your read, your not biological?
No...I don't like Twighlight!!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-23-09
Honey why do you look so distressed?
I just met the worst person on the planet. A truly evil person
Wow, was he or she a dictator or slum lord or abuser or something?
No, but he is influencial and has money!
Honey who is it?!
Michael Vick!

 

by bobertd3rd
11-24-09
Don't you look like the Cat who swallowed the Canary
I hate stupid expressions like that...they just make me hungry.
Hey you have a crazed look in your eye!
If your gunna do the time...might as well commit the crime!

 

by bobertd3rd
12-02-09
How did you feel about George Bush being blamed for all of America's problems?
Scapegoat
Okay, well how did you feel when that white cop took a public beating for arresting that Black Professor in his own home?
Scapegoat
Wow...how about Terrell Owens and Michael Vick? Were they scape goats too?
No, they are both jack asses.

 

by bobertd3rd
5-25-10
They put me in space, they pay me a little money and they shoot the whole thing for MTV...then they say a monkey can do my job!
I'll show them. I can do anything better than a monkey...
Sir your idea for a new reality TV show isn't working out. The man in space is just bitching and moaning all day long. People are bored.
Well lets replace him. Its simple...hell a chimp could probably do that job.
I tried to tell them a human couldn't do this job...but they just wouldn't listen.

 

by bobertd3rd
5-25-10
Can I ask you something? Why are we always fighting?
Good and evil, light and dark, life and death...any of this ringing a bell?
I know, but its just work...I mean don't you think after all these years we could get over it?
I guess your right, we don't have to bring our work home with us.
So after this eternal battle wanna hang out?
Hell yeah, lets grab a beer!

 

by bobertd3rd
6-09-10
You look lost.
No. Just waiting.
I sell cheese for a living, would you like to buy some cheddar or something?
I'm waiting for Godot.
Hmm...I've got Gouda, does that help?

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