All comics by celluloideyes

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by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Hey Bill.
Jesus, what up? Give me the good word, brother man.
We're gonna have to let you go.
...like from life or from management?
Life
...

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Do you know anything about life?
I knew a couple of things once.
What sorts of things?
Like how kittens are actually aliens in disguise, slowly reproducing so they'll overpopulate the Earth, then morph back into their grotesuque normal bodies and enslave us.
Well everyone knows that.

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
This guy right here knows how to party. Thanks for picking me up, bro.
When we arrive near my home planet I will take on my true look and your life will be no more. You will feed the life source tubes back into our planet, reflourshing our land.
Woah, um, unepected--okay. So, like, what are some of your planet's natural resources? This home planet of yours sounds beautiful. Thank you for even considerating me.
Well that's sweet of you to say. I wish this could end another way. I didn't expect you to be so considerate and brave. I wish I could stop my transformation. I'm sorry for whatever I'm about to do.
Are we there?
Yes. I'm sorry.

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Psst. If you tell your mom to vote for me I'll tell you the truth about that burning question. That one question you've always thought about. Obsessed about. Lost sleep over. Dedicated your life to.
If you know the truth to my question, a pity-vote is in your future. Count her in candidate. What exactly are you running for? Wait, answer the first question first, then the second one.
Locke IS Jacob on "Lost". They are the same person, existing simultaneously in a parallel universe.
That's not the truth I've sought after. I can't guarantee you that vote.
Then what was the truth you seek, young one? I need this vote.
Part 1 of a 2 part question. First, how do soda machines cap and twist a bottle cap so tightenly that it doesn't crack the bottle? Second, are stars actually God's tears?

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Hey Rick, quick question. Last time you came by my room, do you remember seeing a Rolex knock-off next to my bed? It was all green inside from wrist sweat and because it just wasn't gold at all.
I think you asked me this last time and I told you the last time I saw it was the night it was on my wrist. And I was mugged. And striped only of that watch. Remember? We thought it was funny.
It's just weird that's all the mugger took. He didn't take anything else at all. Not the Ipod you were listening to. Or the $400 cell phone you were on. Or the platinum grill you were wearing.
Or the sports autographed sneakers you were wearing. Or the jazzy-studded Miata you were driving. Or the wad of cash you leave on the dash in hopes of attracting girls.
So, do you want me to give back your watch or what? Just ask, man.

 

Do you ever feel like you really know someone, then they end up doing something so unlike what you thought they'd do and then you start questioning the whole thing?
I've been there. I've tasted that wind. I've known those times. I've lived that tripped-out lifestyle. I've caught those diseases. I've buried those bodies.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

If the time ever comes again that you need me to defend you from debt sharks, please don't hesitate to call me. It's not like I have a wife and three kids to explain this to...
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
As I recall informing you last session, if you do not comply to the Taste Tester's Manifesto, then this science class is not for you.
I LIKE LEMON JUICE AND YOU CAN'T DENY IT!
The next time you yell in my general direction the bullies will be notified and you will be hanging from the flag pole within minutes. Don't f-ck with me. I get paid for this.

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Speed Metal could help cure cancer. That's all I'm saying. I heard this from a guy who's attended a private lecture hosted by a top doctor. He said the doctor knew the hidden ingredient.
This is hard for me to believe.
How do you think I felt? I was like, "I was in a speed metal band once and then I dropped out. Does that make me a monster?" No, I tried rejoining the group, to help cure cancer.
Everyone wants to help. It's natural. It's science.
It took me a few days to realize that I, and only I, knew how it made sense for Speed Metal to be the "Cancer Curing" Metal. It was like a slap in the face. It was like, "Oh, here's the answer."
Don't tell me the answer. I'd rather conitnue not knowing. It's more mysterious. It's like when you finishing reading a book and then the movie comes out you're like "Phf. I already saw it."

 

If I told you I could make you a millionaire, would you believe me?
i'd be a fool not to.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Look, if I would have been caught in public seeing that movie I would have been considered a threat to myself. That could affect my career. And you know we moved out here for my career.
Come on...thems the words...
You used to enjoy those movies, Jay. The ones without young teens screaming. You're all about horror movies again. It's like you've back-slid. You promised me...not again..no more..

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Wait. So, you're telling me that everything I've taught you here today is wrong?
How do you know? Who are your sources? What universities did they attend? What were their first jobs out of school? If I was to ask, could I get their resumes?
You're a tough sell, but you're in. If we approach this correctly, this could mean a lot of money for both of us. It's a good thing that you don't talk. I don't want to hear about it when I mess up.

 

I told you, I just wanted a little taste. Big deal. People do it all the time. What's the prob? It's not like I'm the first. I became a vampire because someone bit ME. I'M the victim here. Clearly.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
I loved that girl/She fell behind the rest/She couldn't even see/She was too blind for the test.
genius

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
If I could fix it, I would. You've gotta believe that.
...we all have to believe in something....
I know. That's what I'm telling you.
Loud and clear.
So you believe me?
I tried, but I then realized I can't. You're a seasoned liar with a burning desire for the taste of tears.

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
What's in the air, Tootsie Bear?
When I think about you and me I can't stop thinking about Emotion Factories. I imagine hearts being manufactured, packaged, and shipped to unsuspecting romancers awaiting true love. Us.
Spolier Alert: We will be breaking up tonight.

 

Then she was all, "Like I said that. Please. Act like a father to these children." Then I was like, "I am. Everyday."
Everday? I can see that.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Dammit! This celebrity gossip blogger dissed me again. He'll stop at nothing. I'll have to respond.
"Everything you said about me is true. I was drunk. I was lost. I didn't know the sound of my voice. My face didn't feel like my own. Like you said, I was 'I wuz peakin' tha moon'" Good quote BTW."
Send.

 

...and then everything will fix itself. Vote for me. Thank you.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
A turkey is an animal. Men eat animals. Therefore having an animal, which is something men eat, between your legs like that makes you gay.
Do you write for the Advocate?
No.
Then how do you know this is gay?

 

"If I can imagine my life without my job, I can be without my job."
Whoever came up with that didn't like having sweet rides, hordes of babes, and hair gel for days. My job fills the pockets. But I can't help to agree, "Mo' money. Mo' problems."
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

Aren't you well mannered? Where'd you learn to sit on a bench liek that? I bet your mother taught you. Probably had a mother that cared more about you than herself. She was brave, that mother of yours
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

You heard him. The reason he wants to fire you is because you're always in that trashcan. It drives the trash lady mad. And you know she's dating the boss, so if she wants you gone--you're gone.
She's not being reasonable.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
If you were to re-read that text message you'd see everything was spelled correctly. I won the state spelling bee 50 years ago. Spelling is my life.
Exactly how old are you?
Old enough to out live all my past competitors. They'll never have the chance to get a rematch. My name will forever live on as "Champion".
Have you ever accomplished anything else with your life? Or does "Spelling Bee Champ" top the list? Great life. Seriously. Great life. Really made something of yourself...

 

I see you got the job done. Mission accomplished.
by celluloideyes, 7-25-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-25-07
Just tell her I'll pick her up after school. She's acting like it's the end of the world.
All she wants is her father in her life.
Well, if you wouldn't have cheated on me with that vampire, leading me to try to fight him, only to have him bite me, thus turning me into this vampire bat, maybe I COULD be a father to her.
Geez, when are you going to get over it? I had an affair. We get it.

 

"You are the golden child of my domain/If you lose your head I'm the one to blame/Hot lava burns all the marrow in my bone/Twister isn't a game to be played alone"
And then I'll hum the guitar solo.
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
It says here that if you watch "The Godfather" in reverse, your future will be shown to you in the form of a hologram 1 week after viewing.
Which format do you have to watch it in?
It says Beta.
Phf. Not worth it then. The video quality would suck.

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
Cool. Okay, now come back.
Dad?
Please come back and get me. When we broke into this house, you agreed to help me escape. I can hear the police sirens. Did you just turn invisible, or did you actually morph out of here?

 

And this is where we'll be spending our honeymoon. I love you girl.
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

And then I said, "Get me outta here. I hate when you guys start throwing waterballoons." And then some water got on my shirt and I was like, "Man, I told you to watch out! You act like you don't know.
Have you ever considered getting help?
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
That's what I said. I'll come by the party.
No. You said, "MAYBE I'll come by the party." They're your friends too, man. They just want to see you.
I just feel like they're nice to me cause they want to get presents. I feel like they don't even like me. I just don't know who my real friends are anymore.
I'm still going to get presents though, right?

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
I'm telling you, I've never heard of that movie before.
Come on...
Really. I consider myself an amateur movie buff and everything. It's just not ringing any bells. What's it about?
This guy opens his front door, but instead of the real world out there it's just sand there's huge worms swimming around. And then eventually he starts riding one.
Again, it sounds like "Beetlejuice".
No, man, no. And then he starts reading a book under the covers with candles lit and it cuts to him riding a giant furry dragon and he's all happy. Then he kisses a mannequin and it comes alive.

 

What? No, she's totally into you.
I don't know. She's always like, "Why don't you have eyes or arms?"
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
Hi, I'm here to see Susan.
May I ask who's calling?
Oh, um...David...
So, how can I help you David?
Uh..I'm here to see Susan...
Sorry David, she's currently out to lunch. Shall you and I dine together instead?

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
If you say Bootylicious one more time, I repeat: I'm going to have to kill you. I've been patient thus far.
It was the cool thing to say a year ago. I'm trying to bring it back. I want to be able to say it again. It was a fun word. It made me think of being on the beach...just dancing...just loving life...
You said it again...I warned you...This could have been different...
..come on..
I'm sorry...
Bootylicious. Bootlicious. Bootylicious.

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
Remember, what are you going to tell the judge and jury when they ask whether your parents poisoned you or not?
"They forced it down my throat. I couldn't taste anything but the poisons, shredding my insides.
You got it! Word-for-word. This case is mine!
...but that's a lie. They didn't do anything to me. My stomach didn't even start hurting until earlier.
Look, I fed you poison this morning. Everyone can tell something is wrong with you. Just say your mom did it and we'll start living the high life, sippin 'ritas on the beach, scopin' the babes.

 

Dad, you said this night would never come...I'm sorry.
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
Help! I'm trapped in the bathroom! Can anybody hear me? The door is stuck and the toilet is overflowing...
...though, now as I say that, I realize the toilet water overflow will help guard me from the burn of the fire's touch...
...Nevermind! I think I can stick this out!

 

When he comes back, just tell him I'm sorry. Geez. I don't see what the big deal is. There are plenty of people out there living without a face. Am I the only person who realizes that?
This literally, like, happened a second ago. He doesn't know how to cope yet. Get over yourself.
by celluloideyes, 7-26-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-26-07
Dare
I'm going to have to say: Double-Dare...
Physical Challenge!
That's not the name of the show. It's called "Double-Dare", so you can't have an option to choose from after I declare it a Double-Dare. The name of the show isn't Physical Challenge

 

Ew. Fat chicks on motorcycles make me want to barf.
I know, me too. AND she was wearing a tube top!
by celluloideyes, 7-29-07

 

by celluloideyes
7-29-07
"Get Gangsta'..."
"...Or Go Home."
I love that quote.
I'm thinking of getting it inked across my shoulders.

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