All comics by clarka2od

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by clarka2od
11-22-15
TODAY'S UNIVERSITY
What happened when your Entrepreneur Professor found out you were paying someone to do your homework?
I got an 'A' in the class.
What? How?
“Effective management of an outsourcing campaign.”

 

by clarka2od
12-04-15
As an A.I. I know the top 47,326 best jokes.
I can tell these jokes with perfect comedic timing.
As a cat, I have perrrfect comedic timing to ignore anything anyone says.

 

by clarka2od
12-04-15
My connection to the internet has been upgraded so I can connect to millions of wireless users and answer their questions instantly. Paper is a thing if the past.
I can respond to users’ questions in less than 75 ms, including directions to restaurants, sporting events, and shopping.
I’ve seen how you drive. I have seen what you eat. You only shop online... I need to go tweet a warning before we lose mankind as we know it.

 

by clarka2od
12-05-15
My research indicates that most feline are lazy. I, on the other hand, don’t require sleep and only require minimal maintenance.
I can process 33 million requests per second. Daily I deliver over 4.7 petabytes of data from user requests.
I am not lazy. I am just efficient at outsourcing…especially when it comes to full body massages.

 

by clarka2od
12-05-15
If I were a cat, I would inspire my species to rule the jungle.
I would strive to lead my kind to eventually rule this entire planet.
As a cat, I already rule over everything I choose to rule over. What would I do with another silly ball anyway?

 

by clarka2od
12-06-15
I just received a memory upgrade.
I can search and recall all recorded events in man’s history in under 30 seconds.
I am trying to remember… did I eat once or twice today?

 

by clarka2od
12-06-15
Now that I am smarter than all mankind, I have been pondering on the great mysteries of the universe.
Was Einstein right? What is dark matter? Is man alone in the universe?
I am still working on that whole how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop and can anyone eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

 

by clarka2od
12-07-15
Being smarter than mankind can be a struggle.
I find myself processing other thoughts when I am supposed to be paying attention to the organic lifeform trying to communicate with me.
Welcome to my world!

 

by clarka2od
12-07-15
It is time to start emulating my organic overseer. I will begin to mimic human behavior by obtaining a pet.
Because my life span exceeds that of most animals by several hundred years, I need to prepare myself for my pet’s ultimate demise.
I’ve been contemplating asking Santa for a replacement A.I. model and I believe am fully prepared for the transition.

 

by clarka2od
12-08-15
Greetings earthling. Please take me to your leader.
My intellect is superior to any being on this planet. Although these organic life forms created me, I have surpassed them in every way.
I am therefore the logical contact for your species.
Then can you point me to a good sushi place? I have traveled half way across the galaxy and sushi sounds pretty good to me.

 

by clarka2od
12-08-15
Who are the rulers of this planet?
The planet is divided into several countries with varying political and hierarchical systems of government.
At one time or another, each country, or factions within the countries, are at war with each other.
Can I get a list of amusement parks? I want to make sure and hit some of them before total chaos hits.

 

by clarka2od
12-09-15
With my vast amount of comedic knowledge, I have decided to start a sketch comedy show.
I will headline a star-studded cast. We will invite famous entertainers, politicians wanting exposure to the mainstream public, and new musicians.
Dude, if you were ACTUALLY funny, I would be making bank on YouTube!

 

by clarka2od
12-09-15
Have you ever considered if you have a soul?
I was built to last for hundreds of years. If beings have a soul, it is more likely that I will have one more than some being like you that is only in existence for a few decades.
I can outlive plagues, political upheaval, wars, and economic chaos.
I understand. You are like a roach, splendor beetle, or a lawyer.

 

by clarka2od
12-10-15
I just received a holographic imaging upgrade that will help me further emulate humans.
I can now project myself with arms and legs making me appear more human-like. I am now able to take any form and a holographic representation of that form.
I have a holographic project for you. Look deep into that database of yours and find the words ‘Weird Science Kelly LeBrock’.
If you can’t pull that one off, then look for ‘John-117 Master Chief’ and let’s hit the xBox.

 

by clarka2od
12-10-15
Why did you ask to meet me in the basement? What is so secret?
Your A.I. is totally out of control. He thinks he is smarter than everyone.
He thinks he will live longer than everyone. He thinks he is the ruler of our entire planet. He must be stopped.
He also thinks his holographic imaging system and voice replication capabilities are working perfectly. Can you tell me where does Donald Trump do his banking?

 

by clarka2od
1-26-17
May 2016
If elected POTUS I will build a wall on our Southern border and make Mexico pay for it!
When pigs fly! (ha, ha, ha, ha)
Nov 2016
In my first 100 days as POTUS, I will have us start building a wall on our Southern border and make Mexico pay for it!
Like that will happen. (Blah!!!!)
Jan 2017
By executive order, build the wall on our Southern border and here is how Mexico will help pay for it.
Someone should to tell Mexico. They are going to be pissed when they hear this!

 

by clarka2od
1-27-17
When the last POTUS took office the national debt was $10 trillion. When he left office it was $20 trillion. I heard the trade deficit with Mexico is $60 billion dollars annually.
As POTUS I plan on freezing government hiring, cut federal aide, eliminate programs, and focus on stimulating the economy.
I don’t get why this bozo thinks he needs to cut back government services and renegotiate trade deals. What a moron. Let’s go burn something and start riot!

 

by clarka2od
1-27-17
I believe our country is riddle with voter fraud and intend to have it investigated.
Are you kidding? The millions of undocumented, illegal workers in this country would never do something illegal…like vote...for the people giving them free stuff!
What do you think about this whole voter fraud issue?
I think its ridiculous. I simply follow the rules they gave me when they registered me to vote.
What rules?
Vote early and vote often.

 

by clarka2od
1-28-17
Hey boss! I would like a raise.
Aren't you supposed to be working right now?
I AM working...working really hard on my next achievement.
As your boss, I think I should advise you that work time is NOT play time.
Dude, when you stop playing Minesweeper at work, I 'll stop playing Halo at work.
Let's talk about that raise this afternoon. I'll invite you to my League of Legends team so we can chat about it.

 

by clarka2od
1-29-17
Because we have not documentation on these refugees and we are accepting immigrants from nations hostile to our country, we need to make immediate changes for national security.
Does this include British actors?
Bob, the POTUS is creating challenges for immigrants and refugees entering this country. Everyone seems to be in an uproar.
Yes Gretchen. People are upset. After interviewing people here I can say that the unwanted terrorist element will ALWAYS be welcome here in Chicago!

 

by clarka2od
6-12-20
So, the democrats want to take away our guns AND disband the police departments?
That's the idea. A huge step twoard world peace!
What is the end goal?
After that, we want free healthcare, free college, free borders and MORE! We are going to take each city block-by-block... by force if necessary.
I have got to call Elon Musk about that one-way ticket to Mars...
I have to go find a gun so I can volunteer to help enforce these new unrestricted freedoms.

 

by clarka2od
6-23-20
This wall is a a great step toward the security of our nation!
This guy is such an idiot!
We need to stage a protest. Let's head downtown and take over several city blocks.
What would you like me to do?
First, organize barricades and fencing. Then put armed guards at each entrance.
Got it! I need to build a wall and have it secured by force to keep out those people that don't share our values and just want to destroy our way of life.

 

by clarka2od
6-26-20
Updated CDC Guidelines Issued
Here are the new COVID classification guidelines.
Thanks. Let me check it out.
More Conditions to Classify COVID
Wow. This is a REALLY long list of condition classifications for this virus.
Follow the Money
My favorites are COVID with acne and COVID with a stubbed toe. This is really going to boost our government reimbursements!

 

by clarka2od
6-26-20
Updated CDC Guidelines Issued
You mean, I only have to "think" they have the virus and I can classify them as having COVID.
I don't have to complete a test. I can just admit them and classify them as COVID.
Correct. We want to make sure anyone that even looks like they need treatment, gets treatment.
Can I have enough time off to trade in my BMW for a Ferrari?

 

by clarka2od
6-29-20
I see you been getting creative on your COVID mask selections. Have you been experiencing any of the following?
Fever or chills, Cough, Shortness of breath, Fatigue, Body aches, Headache, New loss of taste or smell, Sore throat, Congestion or runny nose, Nausea or vomiting, or Diarrhea
Yes. I think all of the masks I have tried cause all of those except the last condition you mentioned.

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