All comics by coffman14

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by coffman14
6-16-01
I hope she will be surprised... I finally got the nails...
But it seems like so much fun... surely it wouldn't hurt if I just tried one. She won't be home for a bit...
Dear, what are you doing? That's not my hammer, is it?
Nothin'.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Welcome to Terror Night! I am your host, Cthulu! On tonight's show, we will be delving deep into the Black Depths of Utter Terror. Isn't that right, Shub-Niggurath?
That's right!
Tonight, the part of Shub-Niggurath will be played by Jun Kawabata.
Stupid contract negotiations...
I am the beast with the thousand young! Tee hee!

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
War is bad.
Agreed.
Have you seen "Pearl Harbor" yet?
No. I heard it's not as good as "Saving Private Ryan."
It's a lot funnier.
War is bad.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Jeff Stevens! What are you doing here? Man, has it been 10 years already?
Hey, Keith! Great to see you! Man... yeah, 10 years is a long time.
So what have you been up to? You and Mandy hook up after school?
Aw man, no... she ended up marrying Jim Herbertson. We broke up the summer after graduation.
She married The Herb? That's messed up! What's he doing now, do you know?
Right now, I think he's bleeding to death in his car. I thought that's why you were here. I'm just... um... spectating.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
I thought it would be a good idea to live out here all by myself, but this bird proved me wrong.
SCREEEEEEEEEECH!
Why, me and this bird here have become the best of friends!
AWK! AWK! AWK! AWK! AWK! AWK! AWK!
I even taught him to talk! Talk, Redbird!
SCRAWK! THIS STRIP IS NOT FUNNY! SCRAWK!

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
It worked!
What?
My flesh-invisibility machine!
Oh.
At last, I have revolutionized the Hallowe'en Costume Industry! This is my greatest hour!
Yeah, well, throw a sheet on me and I'm still pretty damned scary.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Traveling from the far future, Future Cowboy tries to fool 21st century Earth people...
I don't know if I can make it in the 21st century.
Don't worry cowboy, you're gonna be my best friend! You'll love the future!
I don't know... I miss my robot horse. I mean... my horse.
You know what we have that's better than robot horses? Books!
I think I covered that up pretty well... glad this kid is a "nerd."
I know a book you'd like! "My Posse Don't Do Homework!" Get it? Can I call you "Shane?"

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
WHOOO HOOOO!!!!
WHO IS THE MAN? WHO IS THE MAN? YEEEEEEE-HAW!
HELL YES! HELL YES! HELL YES! AROOOOOGA!
Something tells me this is the *only* cup of coffee I agree to ever again.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Every year, millions of children are eaten by Earth's Majestic Oceans.
The Oceans give us so much-- fish, water, salt, crustaceans-- and yet still we complain when she swallows up our precious youth.
Please, stop complaining. You know just as well as I do she could just jump up and drown us all whenever she pleases. And she can hear us.
The Narrator speaks reason.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
I am a chicken hobo. You can clearly see this is true, for all of my possessions are in this little makeshift bag. When I was a boy, I wanted to be a firefighter.
But the ways of this world are cruel. You see, firefighting school would not have me. I later learned that their curriculum was seriously lacking.
So perhaps it is better for me that I did not become a firefighter.
When did you realize this strip was going nowhere? Correct answers get a No-Prize.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Ring. Ring.
Ring. Ring.
Ring. Ring.
I hope that's not a girl, because my Telepathic Caller ID isn't working.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Talking animals are a growing portion of our entertainment's population.
I know I'm strong.
I know I try my best.
Talking animals have rights today that they never would have dreamed of just twenty years ago.
I know I'm a leader.
I know I make my own decisions.
Please: encourage your talking animals to live up to their potential. We can all benefit in the end.
I know I can rely on myself.
I know... but I'm not telling.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Wow, that story was utterly terrifying, even for me!
Yeah, it sure was mind-shreddingly horrific.
The Dark Wraiths from the Bowels of Ngri-Yathoc were particularly disturbing.
Yeah...
*sigh* She'll be back, you know.
I know...

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
The Identical Friends spend a day at the park...
Hey.
Hey.
A day mostly free of homoerotic subtext.
Nice shirt.
Thanks.
Mostly.
Nothin' weird, just like the shirt.
Yeah, I know.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
I'm not talking to you.
Awwww, come on...
You got us thrown in jail! All because you wouldn't talk!
I'm sorry! Next time I'll talk to the mayor, I swear! Then you can get your topless car wash back!
That's what you said last time, and I got kicked out of the nerds' fraternity just days before the cheerleader wet t-shirt contest that saved the frat house!
*snicker* Yeah...

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Hey, baby! Can we go cam-ping this weekend?
Cam-ping?
Uncle Steve described it to me. He said there are no sidewalks or cars where you go cam-ping!
That's right, and there are no cops out there, either.
Does that mean people break the laws there?
Only the good ones, like the one barring public nudity.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Well, I'll be ding-dang-dogged. We're on the moon!
Exactly! I've read so many books I figured out how to transport matter over billions of miles!
Little does this kid know I'm from the future, where his device has allowed us to completely pave the entire surface of the moon!
Look at it! It's magnificent! Nothing but moon rocks for as far as the eye can see! I can't wait to go back home and read about them.
Ahem. I bet my horse could jump a mile high here on the moon!
You're crazy! You know what, though? I bet my gym teacher could, because he's got a trampoline.

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Wow! Hey, does anybody remember the Sixties? MAAAAN, those were some WILD times! Everybody was doin' drugs and makin' sex!
I swear, man, that was the craziest. One of my friends TOTALLY got HIGH on BEER one day, and he did some CRAZY stuff!
Maybe I should tell him this is a Green Party rally, and not open mic night.
Do you have any watermelons I can smash with this giant hammer? WOWZA!

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
Hello, I'm Tom Brokaw. Tonight, we will be broadcasting live from Hawaii, where everything is perfect all the time and nothing bad ever happens.
Say, that sounds pretty good...
The weather is fantastic, and the sun shines all the time! Indeed, this is a glorious paradise rivalled only by lost Eden herself!
Wow, this just keeps getting better...
The airports of Hawaii are, however, not guarded by gigantic angels with flaming swords.
I was wondering about that part...

 

by coffman14
6-16-01
After that great talk-up Brokaw did about Hawaii, I feel compelled to go!
Yeah, it sounds pretty wicked. Weird that "Hawaii is Tops!" was the lead story on the news tonight, though.
I didn't even think about that... and the next three stories were all about good things that happened in Hawaii.
And you know what? At the end, it said "Nightly News with Tom Brokaw is now produced exclusively by the Hawaii Tourism Commission."
Yeah, and that's run by the devil. I read that earlier this week.
Well, that explains a lot.

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