All comics by donttellmewhattodo

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Just when you think something couldnt possibly go wrong
HI FIVE, BUDDY!

 

so i was boning this chick real fucking hard, and out of no where, she was like "do you want a ride to work?"
so i laughed and was all like "yeah, now shut the hell up"
then my eyes popped out of my head
no, i punched them out when you told me to shut the hell up

 
werd

 

i was just sitting here, thinking about something...
then all the sudden, i was like "hello?"
then fucking fly bit me in the face, i chased it around for hours....then i met you.
check this out....look at my eye, look at my EYE!

 

This guy doesnt even know how to count.
fucking....1, then 2...then 4
hey you little shit, squirming is only going to make it hurt more.
can i at least have another popsicle?    :(

 

i was banging this chick last night, just giving it like there was no tomorrow...god, it was good
i went on for like 15 minutes, then i woke up.
then my dog ran away from me for some reason.

 

let's recite this, ok ok: "i will love you forever, and ever.............and ever...
and ever...annnnd everrrrrr.
i cant take this anymore...i must cut off my leg!

 

man thats one big beautiful ass.
You're telling me, i'd totally fuck her hard.
her? what? i was talking about you, FUCK thats a hot ass...i just want to sit here and imagine im eating it for supper.
thats my cue, gotta go!

 

i give up, i cant count.
1, 2, 4, 6, 6.....fuck

 
*SQUEEZES BUTTCHEEKS* annnnnd release... toooooot, lolz

 

bahhh-aa-hhhaa
BAH
bitch, i know you like it. fuck yeah.

 

bahhh-aa-hhhaa
BAH
And on the other side...
bitch, i know you like it. fuck yeah.

 
Hey there, what can i getchya?
uh, i'll just have some water, thanks.
Alllllrighty

 

ahh im so trashed
ive got such a splitting headache
im feeling pretty low today.
ohh that just made my skin crawl
hey, any of you guys want to exchange numbers? that'd be pretty fucking sexy of you.

 

hi, my name is chester, and im a sad-aholic
hi chester
hey chester
im sad too
hi chester

 

i was out ridin' muh horse one day, and i saw this bug...
*flash back*
i wasnt actually ridin' muh horse though

 

i had this chubby earlier today...
actually, i had a few of them.
the damn things were so tiny, i couldnt have just one.

 
Hey kids! Don't pick butts!

 

Hey, where are you going?
Ohhhh just to get a little fresh air.

 

Sientific proof on how to increase the size of your brain
tilt
and grab
and tilt
and rub
and grab
and rub

 

Hey, where in the hell am i?
are you talking to me?
no, im talking to the guy behind me, HEY INVISIBLE GUY
of course im talking to you, you alabama porch monkey.
actually, im british.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 
what a fucking joke, this queer dart cant even be original, let's leave this dried up popsicle stand, jim.

 

you wouldnt even believe how hard i am right now
im on fucking fire, holy fuck, im going to fuck you so fucking hard with my fire cock right now.
Oh man, i FEEL the heat
FEEL IT BABY FEEL IT.........oh shit, i did NOT do that, no one seen shit.

 

Hey, remember when JESUSSANDWICH went to the bathroom?
Yeah, I think so.

 

Hey, did you see the lysol commercial where that chick is wiping the counter and all the bacteria start screaming?
hell yeah, but i like the one where the indian walks into the kitchen and all the lysol cans go running and screaming.
hahahahah
hahahahah

 

oh god, i need to fart so bad, i hope no one is looking or can hear or smell me.
*FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART*
Hey buddy, there's some asshole talking shit behind your back.

 
Oh, thank god you are here, i need help, i need a cure for mad cow disease!
Hmm, ah yes...just give her some chocolates and flowers, that should do the job.

 

Hi there, Human!
How's life in the fast lane
Fast lane?
yeah, that thing right up there beside us.
How would i know? That's my mom.
This conversation isnt going anywhere, is it?

 
i've been waiting for this night all day.

 

Ok, i think i got it now.
It's not working!
"Turn power On...Increase or Decrease vibration speed to desired level"........Oh, You have to turn it ON first! My wife is going to kill me if she finds out im looking at her porn site.

 

haha oh burn
LMAO oh buuuuuuuuurn
STFU FGT

 

Why do they call you "donttellmewhattodo", mister?
Because every now and then i do things that people tell me not to do, such as "would you like a popsicle little girl?"
Hey, get back here!
dont tell me what to do!

 

whats the coffin carrier guy that carry's coffins at a funeral??? I totally forgot.
His name is paul bearer, i think he works for fed-ex
i think so, anyways

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