dueserpenti  

The dialogue is just too on-the-nose. In real life, people don't explain everything this way. Honest conversation is oblique.

My problem is that, in the beginning, I saw dialogue as merely a vehicle to advance the story.

I can't believe you wrote that line at the end of Chapter 18. Delete that shit right the hell now.

I know! That one definitely goes in the "What the Fuck Was I Thinking?" category.

That bit with the nipple-teasing was solid gold, but the eye contact ruined it for me.

Too derivative, right? I'll cop to that, but what did you think of the leather underwear?