All comics by duxcolonel

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by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hey, dude, you have no idea what I just read about Australia and their shitty TV.
They had a third place contestant from their Big Brother on their Celebrity Big Brother! They have so few shitty celebrites, they need to invent more!
The poor bastards.
And that's all from "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!". Next: "Models Behaving Badly""

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Yeah, it was on EBay, but they took it down.
Dude, I read there was a guy on the web who sold advertising space on his penis.
Guess they were afraid it would damage their public image
Why'd they do that, Geo?
Maybe the guys penis had been taken out the packaging.
As the home of people who sell Pink Megatrons and mint condition Jar Jars for $50?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Curse you, Mr Williamson, but I shall have my revenge!
Let that be a lesson to you, Grey Squirrel Of Doom, for trying to destabilise the economy!
Um, no, Mr Pitt...
You messin' with my close personal, if squirrely and legally vermin in your country, friend?
Dude, you REALLY need to cut back a bit on the cannabis usage.
And then my vision went black and I saw the words, "To Be Continued"

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hey, Pamela
Good Morning, Steve
Well, they know our names now, you got any jokes?
I've done my contractual limit for today, I'm going to play Tony Hawks.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hmm, I'm not an expert at this sort of thing, but shouldn't we have a catchphrase in the comic by now?
By comic five? Nah, relax, we can think one up later.
It's just, you know, I dont' want to die a lonely, catchphrase-less character, George
Well, we do have the room background, that's kinda a catchphrase.
I just hope they never flip the view around without warning us.
Yeah, that would kinda break the whole suspension of disbelief thing.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
I read on The Register that there's some argument over the legal status of MP3 encoding.
What, so, using MP3s may not be free anymore?
Sorta. There's the risk that our favourite piracy format will stop being open-source.
Man.... Imagine the adverts they'd use.
"You're Never Alone With A L33ch"?
"Something old, something new, something borrowed and something Napster"?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Steve, I'm listening to you.
Dude, I wish you'd look at me when we have these amusing annecdotes.
I am being sociable.
But you're always on that damned computer of yours! I just wish you'd be more sociable.
I downloaded porn for you first.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
That's not true.
George, really, not only do you use your computer all the time, you even call it a "her". It's like a substitute girlfriend.
Damn right it was.
Sorry, that was harsh of me, dude.
It's a substitute girlfriend and her substitute straight but curious best friend.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
He says I'm addicted.
Hey, George, why aren't you in with Steve on the computer?
Pikachu! I choose you!
I can't finish this joke for legal reasons.
....Pokemon in your pants, eh?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Man, I don't actually mind being outside, it's quite refreshing.
You'd feel even better if we went for a walk by the lake, it's lovely
Fuck you.
You, um, don't have a walking sprite, do you, George?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
In an unsuspecting Bearsden park...
Hey, er, are you Brad Pitt?
Yeah, Geo, I was wondering if you had any more work for me. Kinda skint right now.
An Amazing Team Is Founded!
What, you mean, in the comic strip?
My cameo went well before. I think we could work.
And His Assistant Only Wants £4.30 An Hour!
Oh, and the guy who does my trailers would like work as well.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Um, I dunno...
So, is there anything for me in your comic strip? You only have a cast of 3 regulars, you could surely squeeze in some more...
We haven't got much of a setting, bar two rooms and a park in Bearsden.
Hmm, so you need to think of an excuse for me to appear...
Since when did we have a house for sale next to us?
Looks like it sold, anyway.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Holy shit! My new neighbour is Brad Pitt!
Heh, I look like him, eh? I'm Brian, and...
Yeah, sure. So, Brad, what's it like banging that one of Friends, eh?
Dude, really, stop calling me Brad, my name;s Brian.
No, really.... let go of my arm, dude!
Um, hello, Miss Zeta-Jones? I'm afraid we'll have to cancel your cameo for... safety reasons.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
So, yeah, my house is quite spacious. It's got a lovely jacuzzi, you know...
Oh, Brian, you tease.... (Giggle)
Same thing we always do to opponents: subtly make them look poor mates.
Dude, Brad Pitt is stealing my girldriend! What should I do?
Why, yes, I /do/ love animals, Stephen. In fact, I donate every week to the World Wildlife Fund. Why do you ask?
My cockrel is a bit sick, and I think it needs a stroking. You do like stroking cocks, don't you?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
I was talking to your boyfriend, Steve, and he was telling me about his sick cock and how I could make it better.
Um.... pardon?
He was telling me how it had gone limp, and he asked me if I could give it some mouth action to bring it back to life.
And, er, did you?....
I did even better: I bought him a new one!

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
What the hell?
That was Pam on the phone. She said that Brad Pitt just bought be a friggin' chicken!
Literally? Er....
He must have took my attempt to make him look gay literally and bought me a cockrel.
George said he wanted this as well. His old one has no horn.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
No, no, it really isn't.
Right, George, the only way to win Pamela back is to do a crazy Night Of Mayhem to stress our manliness.
Do you remember what happen on the last attempt we made at a Night Of Mayhem?
What, so you're trying to tell me you don't know ANY of the Porn Video shops around here?
Non parlo inglese, amico. Ma so dove circa otto anni di azione della ragazza possono essere trovati.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
I shudder to think what Steve is doing to impress Pam. Maybe it'll be only slightly silly.....
Man, typical, pulled over by the cops..... I gotta remain calm, they won't suspect my plan.
Well, otherwise, the bodies will start to decompose, won't they?
Sir, you were going over 135 miles per hour on a road with a 40 speed limit. Why you in such a rush, sunshine?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
I would, but the lock is full of that icky green stuff that squirts out their eyes..
So, then, Mr Williamson, you claim you have... dead bodies in your boot? Mind if I have a look at these?
I can try and force it open,if you really....
You know, it's time like this I'm glad I decided not to do that degree in astrophysics and be a cop instead.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Look officer, I know I'm carrying something slightly illegal in my boot, but surely.... this shiny one pound coin will make you feel better, eh?
Eh?
Inflation would seem to have kicked in a bit since the last bribe I did.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Oh mighty God Of Comic Cliches, you must aid me in my time of need.
Only an amusing plot twist can get me out of this predicament and out of a prison term at her majesty's pleasure.
Curious, despite being a mere 18 and a half, I've already been selected for jury duty. What trial, I wonder?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hmm....
You know the drill, I'm sure, from all those two-bit cop shows. You've got a single phone call to sort out your defense.
No problem, I'd like to call my neighbour, he's got the charisma to get me out of this.
Look, if you don't let this guy go right now, his cock is in serious danger of dehydrating. You must let him moisten his cock!

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Good job I managed to use my curious charismatic talking on the rest of the jury to get you out of that legal trouble, eh?
Yeah, dude, and I think that prosecuting attorney had the hots for you.
It's a pity we've no bloody courtroom sprites, isn't it?
I think that the court reporter was a lesbo, though, she was licking her fingers inbetween typing in a curious manner.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
In a small Bearsden semi-detached house....
And now, back to "Boob Academy 17"
Ah, this one has far better camera technology to make close-ups clearer
Porn watching is interrupted for Stephen Willaomson, when his friend George Quail arrives!
Hey, dude.
Howdy
Will the dynamic duo be able to afford the husky voiced narrator's fee and pay for more hankies?
He's been doing a stroke by stroke analysis for the past hour.
I see that Brad's narrator has returned. I thought we'd thrown him into the pond down the park wrapped up in a bag.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
So, dude, you think Pamela is gonna stay with me, even though my neighbour appears to be Brad Pitt?
Yeah, even though we've had an attempt at a long running story in this comic, I think things are gonna work out fine because it'd be too hard to change the plot dynamics.
Meanwhile...
Muhuhahahaw, all according to plan!
In...deed ma...ster.
Back To Our Heores, Who Have Been Carrying On The Strip Anyway
I can't believe you ate the whole thing, dude.
I didn't know she was in the car at the time.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
People are getting real tense on the net about the new license agreement that all Microsoft software is coming with. It basically lets Bill Gates go through your computer at his whim.
It's a bit paranoid, isn't it? Why would he really want to?
Stop piracy, remove cracked software, steal your credit cards numbers...
Um...
...steal your porn....
Good god, the man's a GENIUS! Do you think he'll share some of it in a Service Pack?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Surely you can think of SOMETHING funny for them to say.
Fuck you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Next tonight on BBC, we bring you a list of programs we are and are not embarrased by.
Programs We Are Embarrased By: Doctor Who
Programs We Aren't Embarrased By: National Lottery Jet Set, Dog Eat Dog, Vets In Practise, The Generation Game...
I told them my contractual obligation for today was DONE.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hey, man, I think we need to think up some plots for this damn comic strip, we're a bit too random now.
Preferably one where I get a catchphrase.
Hmm, I can try, but we've put out so many in this short time I dunno if I can come up with anything, you know, usable.
How about a catchphrase like, "I Like To Buuurn Things?""
How about a catchphrase like, "Fuck you"?

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Well, George, it's been nice having you today, I'll see you another time.
Er....
Dude, where the hell is the door out your house?
If we end the strip now, I'll show you where it would be if we had a way of putting it in the comic.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Yes, Ladies And Gentlemen, Boys And Girls! Because You Asked For It, We Bring You: The Secret Origin And General Life Story Of The Characters Of This Fine Comic Strip, And Thusly The Creator!
Bask In The Magic Of The Comic Strip Format As I, Your Husky Voiced Director, Take You To George's Birth!
Man, Nadia, I can't believe I'm now a father. Anything I can do to help?
You could paint my house, and get me to be slightly less pixel-like.
Hang On The Edge Of Your Seat As George Does Another Meta Joke You Think Is Overdone!
Man, the first 15 years went quick.
The trouble with your father, George, is that he isn't very good at finishing a job.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
The Secret Tale Of How George Got So Sarcastic That He Couldn't Stop Making Meta-Comic Jokes Continues!
Um, hey, Kim. Will you go out with...
I ain't that drunk, kid.
The Heartbreak! The Trauma!
Yo, Joanne, er, are you bu....
Have to wash my hair for the next three decades. And stop sending me Furbies.
Mum, I'm having trouble with women. Could you...
Sorry, kid, I'm taken.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hey, Steve, remember when we first met those many years ago?
Yeah, when we first started secondary school at the tender age of eleven and a bit....
You want some Syndicate cheats?
Er, sure. You wanna come to my house to watch Red Dwarf?
Don't know why our school had blood red paintwork.
And I'm amazed how much you've grown in the past few years.

 

by duxcolonel
9-04-02
Hey, Pam, where do you imagine you'll be in the future?
Oh, I dunno...
Living in a house with nicer paintwork, with Steve at my side getting me chocolate on my every whim. Yourself?
I'll be right back, sweetie.
Er... mine's not very interesting.
Another chocolate run?
I got a good ten minutes playing time. give me the red controller.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
The stuff you can crack with high-tech felt tip pen placement?
You know Midbar, that company which produces the CD copy protection stuff?
I mean, a felt tip pen? How did someone think that one up?
They're whining on the net that they're just providing a service, you know, it's not personal.
Forget it. I'll chuck it out. But first, I'm going to write "Fucking Work, You Bastard" on it and then try on last time.
The phase inducement ray seems to have no effect on the thing. Shall I crank it up to 12 jee-gooks, or are we going to use the CD-AT?

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
I needed some fresh air after reading Susan Sarandon had complained to the US courts....
Geo, nice to see you outside again. Any paticular reason? More complains at your computer addictions, or a social call?
There's a Scottish Bloke on Death Row, which is bad, but the reason she's complaining?....
You don't want people doing things just because they did a film about something similar?
No offence, dude, but if I actually spent Seven years in Tibet I'm not going to ask you for fucking advice.
Well, I know I'm not bringing Sigourney Weaver to talk to SETI about First Contact.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Hey, Steve, you remember my mate Jizzy from school, don't you? He wants to talk to us about our comic strip.
Yeah, it's wicked, Q. But I think we need to do, like, a cartoon where this elephant comes to get his revenge on the guy who turned his foot into a paperbasket, all film noir and shit, you see?
Er, would be nice, but the Far Side has already done it, hasn't it?
...
What's your point, you fuckin' queer?
See, JZ, we like to be bad, but in our unique way.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
There's Drama And Tension At The House Of George Francis Ninian Quail!
JZ, the Far Side is an INCREDIBLY popular strip, people won't be too impressed if we just copy it.
Q, the internet is full of dumb 14 year olds and 40 year olds all pretending to be 18 year old chicks, it ain't a problem.
George's Diplomacy Is Needed To Appease Jared Sidhu, His Old School Friend!
Hey, I'll have you know I respect the people of StripCreator.Com, a lot of them do very funny stuff.
You always were soft, Q. Trust me, it'll go down a treat...
And Once More, The Fourth Wall Has Been Knocked Down!
Word.
...though that husky voiced narrator mother fucker better shut up., before I kick him in the face.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Right, Steve, Q has gone to the toilet, the weak bladdered mo-fo that he is. I reckon we should steal the comic and do a Far Side joke.
Well, if you think it'll be funny, JZ.
It's fine, man, just trust me. Everyone will love this. You got the script?
Sure, let's go.
I BEG your pardon?
With a bit of luck, we'll be knee-deep in pussy after this joke hits the net.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Right, you better not have.... Hey, where'd JZ go?
For once, I'm glad that Brad...
Brian..
Brian, yeah, moved in. He helped us out.
Fuck you.
Come on, pet it, Brian told me this is what you wanted. You can keep him for free and everything.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
I'm always amazed that sensible, articulate people lose all their skills when left in front of a keyboard or mobile phone.
I got a completely indecipherable message from Pam. "Wll fne u l8r 4 2nte"? What happened to our language, dude?"
I fear what the future genrations will think of us if they find what counts as our records.
I mean, hey, you always post your emails with charming grammar, don't you? Semi colons and everything.
I. Thy ddnt say "sck," thy sed "suXXX0rz!""
U r cer10 tht 21st cntry humn spke so prly?

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
I read on the net today that by mid-morning in New York, the Dow Jones index was down 86 points to 8,339 points.
Oh? What does that mean exactly?
I don't know.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Maybe, I'll wait till I get home to do that.
Dude, maybe you should give Jenny D a call. Her parents are both economic types, they should know this sort of thing.
Don't you remember the LAST time you and her spoke?
What do you mean?
That guy over there says he'll trade us three penguins for his motorboat.
Steve, you're a lovely bloke, but you have to admit your directions are shit if you think this is the Bloodhound Gang concert.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
In This Exciting Installment Of.... Er...
Hey, Jenny, long time no see! How are you doing, Countess?
...What The Hell Is This Comic Called, Anyway?
Of course I stilll remember your old nickname. Anyway, where are you?
...Oh
It Needs A Name, Man, It's Going To Ruin My Attempt At Introductions Otherwise.
Yeah, don't you remember? He could only find two Penguins to give to the speedboat guy.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Hey, Steve, you remember how earlier we were talking about that time you wen tot the Bloodhound Gang concert with Jenny and got lost?
Heh, yeah, it took me hours to catch those bloody penguins. What about it?
Did you not think it was important enough to mention that you'd LEFT HER THERE? You stranded the poor lass....
So you reckon we should mount an expedition to save her.
Indeed. You sort out transport, I'll get us provisions.
Remember to bring a camera. She's been cold for a looong time, if you know what I mean.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
OK, Steve, you got Jenny to drive to her icy prison before, can you guide us there again?
Ah, now, there's one problem...
*Friendly Note For Foreigners: It's A Convention Center
Well, you were trying to get to the SECC* at the time. Maybe we should try to go there first and work from that.
....I don't know if I can guide us there again. It was a while ago, dude, and I was a bit baked at the time.
So, you turned right after the Clyde Tunnel, and then?...
Fuck you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Right, don't panic, we might be lost as well now, but nobody is catchin' no penguins to pay for boats, understand?
Oh, well, whatever is your cunning plan of the week, then?
I'm on it.
Steve: call your house, Pam should be there. She works as admin for the cops, so she probably has a better chance of getting the emergency services on us.
All we can hope for now is that the God of Comic Cliches hasn't done something stupid to us...
My time has come.
RING RING

 

by duxcolonel
9-05-02
Finally! Back in the charming Scottish suburb of Bearsden!
My lovely, lovely house of computer game playage, silly conversation and awful paintwork...
Oh, George and I had a problem to solve. I'd do a flashback, but, you know......
Where the hell did you go to, baby? You went out for ages, I had time to go into town to get some new hair dye and come back and you still hadn't come home.
Yeah, yeah, no sprites for it, we've done it to death already.
No-one shall ever know of my actions.... It is a tough life, being a hero.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Oh, when you said "nobody is catchin' no penguins", you MEANT it?
I'd ask where you got the costumes, but I'm too scared to move.

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