All comics by fcr

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by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
I understand that American bombs will be blowing up my country again soon.
Yeah, I'm totally bummed. I mean, we made, like, A BILLION signs that said "No Blood for Oil!" and with little Hitler moustaches on George Bush and got nothin' from it.
Did you also call your congress people, your local newspapers, shout from the rooftops, anything like that?
There was probably something really good on TV, right?
Dude, JOE MILLIONAIRE was on that night!

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq
Your country is bombing my country to get Saddam Hussein, right?
Yeah. That and oil, Haliburton, contracts, the war on terror, and because Bush and company are a bunch of right wing Nazi pig farmers!
Your president is a farmer that raises Nazi pigs?
It's, like, a metaphor dude.

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq
Did you know that after the insurrection in 1991, my brother was put into a torture chamber and electrocuted until his genitals fell off?
DUDE! THAT'S HORRIBLE!
The same thing happened to my cousin Eddie after he spent the night with Fast Brenda back home and didn't use a rubber.
Did any of you human shields bring something useful with you, like food or a magic anti-bomb shield?
I got some juju fruits in my pocket from the airport.

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
I do not understand why so many horrible things have happened in my life.
Yeah, me either dude. It's like, the other day before I came to Iraq, I found out that some twathead had totally beaten my high score on Super Pac-Man at the quickstop back home. I was so bummed.
Hey, is that your daughter behind you? The one without any legs?
Yes, my American friend.
Can you ask her to move? She's totally freaking me out.

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
After the war is over, what will you do my American friend?
Probably go back to the states.
Can me and my family come with you?
I've only got one ticket back home, man. And I'm going to owe like a TON of money in fines to the state department just for coming over here.
What about my daughter with the missing legs? Can she go with you to America?
Sorry dude, I only have enough room in my suitcase for my that killer Hookah I bought in Turkey.

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
The streets are very quiet. I think the bombs will start soon.
Yeah, dude, I guess Bush realized that me and the shields would never vote for him and just decided, y'know, SCREW THOSE GUYS!
Can I tell you a secret my friend?
Totally dude, totally. Say whatever is on your mind man.
I was secretly hoping that you would turn out to be an American CIA man and that you would kill Saddam with your bare hands and make the war unneccessary.
CIA, oh wow dude, I'm not even sure where I left my toothbrush last night. I think I slept on it.

 

by fcr
8-20-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
Hey man, what did you do before all this?
I was a scientist who worked on Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction programs.
No SHIT? You mean the weapons were real?
No WAY! Look, we don't even have much TOILET PAPER in my country, let alone a real weapons program.
So, all the paper work and stuff that talked about programs and everything, you guys just made it up.
It was either convince Saddam that I could build a balsa wood airplane that could fly across the atlantic or have a soccer ball shoved into my anus.

 

by fcr
8-21-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
So, wait a minute dude, you're saying that you guys just MADE up all that stuff?
We had SOME stuff in the 80s and early 90s that your Donald Rumsfeld helped sell us. We destroyed all of it, though. Didn't Hussein Kamal tell your people that in 1995?
1995? What was I doing in 1995?
It was on EVERY news channel in the Western world. He said that we had destroyed the weapons, but that Saddam was trying to do new programs. I was told to turn some butter into nerve gas.
I spent that ENTIRE year doing knife hits.
I think this must be why the George Bush Jr. is President of that insane place now.

 

by fcr
8-21-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
Okay, whoa, so, yo, wait a minute, you didn't, there was paperwork that showed that maybe you guys were doing weapons, but no actual weapons.
Yes my American friend. We have a choice. Look productive for Saddam or have battery cables placed on genitals.
That's like when I was working at Kinko's. If the boss was looking, I would look like I was doin' something, but when he wasn't, y'know, I wasn't doing squat.
Yes my American friend, you goofing off at Kinkos is just like me trying to protect my family and genitals by faking work on a weapons program. Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.
You're messing with me now, right?

 

by fcr
8-22-03
A few months ago in Iraq ...
Dude, do you see that down there?
The explosions? Yes. I believe the bombing has started.

 

by fcr
8-23-03
A Few Months Ago In Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
Now, George, you've been doing a good job, a very good job, reading your speechs, combing your hair, avoiding the press, and, well, following our "advice" to you on important matters,, but--
I studied cheer leading and binge drinking at Yale ... my nickname at Skull and Bones is "Temporary" cuz I couldn't think of a better one and Mr. Pootz was already taken. Do you like cookies?
... that's great George ... Now, getting back to business, you're about to go on national TV again to announce that Saddam Hussein's time is up and--
DICK! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!
*sigh* Yes George, I LOVE cookies ....
ALRIGHT DICK! COOKIES ARE AWESOME WHEN YOU DIP THEM IN BOURBON! GOD I MISS COOKIES DICK!

 

by fcr
8-26-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
Now, George, pay attention here, because you're going to have to go on National TV and we have to be ready if the teleprompter breaks ...
Hey Dick, I was prayin' again the other day ... I said, "Hello God. Are you there? It's me, George." I was prayin' for a big enchilada sammich but it never came! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME LORD?
*sigh* I'm sure that God doesn't hate you George, he just--
--WHY DO YOU THINK GOD HATES ME DICK?!?
Hey, Don, Colin, anyone, can one of you guys bring a tranquilizer or somethin' so that I can get Gee-Dub here to pay attention? We got a show in little while and he's not even off cue cards yet.
Hee ... your name is Dick ... dick dick dick dick ... my dad would get mad if he heard me say that, but guess what dad, IT'S MY WHITE HOUSE NOW! I'M LIVIN' FO SHIZZLE IN THE HIZZLE!

 

by fcr
8-28-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. *ahem* The most important thing is for US to find Osama bin Laden. The most important THING is for--
GEORGE! What are you blabbering about NOW?
JEEZ DICK! You SAID I was goin' on the TV to talk about the war on Tourism and I was just practicing my lines like you was askin' me too and--
GEORGE, it's TERRORISM, not TOURISM, and we're going into Iraq now! YOU ARE USING AN OLD SPEECH! SADDAM HUSSEIN is who we're after. Y'know, the guy who tried to kill your dad, George Bush Sr. and--
GEEZ DICK I KNOW WHO MY DAD IS AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS WAR ON TOURISM IS ALL ABOUT UNLIKES SOME PEOPLE IN THE ROOM THAT LOOK JUST LIKE YOU!
Y'know, seriously Don, Paulie, ANY of you guys, I think it's your turn. Do you think my face is this color because I've got LOW blood pressure?

 

by fcr
8-28-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
OH, DICK, I almosted fergot … you have a message here, some ladies called for you earlier. I wrote it on my hand …
Who called?
A Halle Burton and a Becky Tell. Said something 'bout “closed bidding” and “secret contracts" and a “Golden Parachute.” Rowr ROWR DICKY BOY, talkin’ the freaky sex code! FREAKY DICKY!
Okay, wash your hands, forget the message and don't tell ANYONE about it! Now, it's focus time George, so we gotta--GEORGE ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?
GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY! GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY! GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY! GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY! GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY! GET YOUR FREAK ON! FREAKY DICKY!
okay, if I have him shot, I become President, but then someone DEFINITELY shoots me, unless--mental note: buy milk, find body double for me ASAP, buy President Playstation 2 to keep distracted....

 

by fcr
8-31-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
... okay George, you're good and rehearsed, let's go over what we learned. Some media lunkhead asks you, "When are we going to attack Iraq?" and you say--
I've not made up our mind about military action.
Which is crap, but is EXACTLY what you gotta say. Great George! But you SHOULD say, "I've not made up MY mind about military action." Because you're the one calling the shots and--
But Dick, you and Donnie and Tommy and Condi and Colinie and the gang are still gonna be tellin' me how to think about what to think about, so I gotta give props to my peeps, yo. It's OUR mind--DICK!
Don't kill him, it's just a year, plus an election, and you'll have enough money to buy that Island in the south seas and just kiss this all goo-BYE!
Have you heard that new fitty cent album? BUMP BUMP--I LUV YOU LIKE A FAT KID LUVS CAKE BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! FREAKY DICKY GET HIS FREAK ON IN IRAQ! WE GONNA BUST A WHACK IN IRAQ YO! Gettin' jiggy!

 

by fcr
9-02-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
George, my secret compound just received a report of noises in the Oval Office so I came by to check it out. Were you running around with your hands out making airplane noises again?
--I JUST GOT DONE WATCHING THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER WHICH IS INDEPENDENCE DAY WHERE THE PRESIDENT GETS TO KICK ALIEN BE-HINDS ALL MOVIE! RREENYOWR BLAM BLAM! Hi five Will Smith for bein' jiggy wit' it!
Yes he did, George. But you aren't supposed to be having play time, you're supposed to be studying up on the upcoming IRAQ WAR and--
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE GREATEST IDEAR EVER DICK which is that I should go fly around in Iraq and go bomb things and go get Saddim with some BRRRNNNEEERYOWR-RATTATATTATTA just like Bill Pullman!!!
*sigh* George, that's not a good idea for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that it might bring up your Vietnam record and--
Vietnam? I wasn't in Vietnam Dick! I skipped out on that stuff and was boozin' it up on the campaign trail with my dad! What the hiz-ell are you talkin' 'bout suckuh?

 

by fcr
9-03-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
Ah, Dick, I been listenin' to what you and Donnie, and Paulie and Colinie and Condi and my friggin' DAD and everyone wants to do except for me, y'know, and it ain't fair!
George, we've GOT to get some work done. We haven't even gone over the plans yet for the Iraqi reconstruction and it's important that--
OH, it's all about YOU, isn't it, and your plans and your "start the war NOW!" and "we've got contracts" and "don't tell the press about the deals" and blah blah blah! WHAT DO I GET OUTTA THIS?
*sigh* Fine, we'll get Jeff Goldblum to stay at the White House to be your new bestest genius friend ever.
YES! We can go to a weapons site, and we'll find Saddim's spaceships, and Jeff'll be like, "Remove the clamps!" and I can be like "Let's do it!" and BUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDA TAKE THAT ALIENS! I RULE!
Hey, ARI! Yeah, I'm lookin' at you--no more damned Independence Day for the President before he's had his nap! Yes, I'm blaming you. Oh, okay, well if I go down you go down punk, how you like that?

 

by fcr
9-05-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
The security of the world requires disarming Saddim Hussein now.
Good, that's good George, very relaxed, very off script, you're well on your way to earning a cookie and your XBox privledges back ... now, some media lunkhead says, "Why now Mr. President?" You say--
Eye-Rack has a history of reckless aggression in the Middle East. It has a deep hatred of America and our friends and it has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of El Kai-duh.
GEORGE! George, I can't believe it! You are WELL on your way to earning a WEEK of Cable TV, Mr. President! Now, some lunkhead asks you, "What about letting the U.N. help in Iraq?"
George really said all this stuff! Can you believe it? -fcr
The U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its legs, legs of responsibility back.
AH, DAMNIT ARI, you were't supposed to let George eat pretzels today if he didn't study. What do you mean he sniffed glue? CAN'T YOU TAKE CARE OF GEORGE FOR JUST ONE DAY WITHOUT ME ?

 

by fcr
9-06-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
Okay, we're almost done George. Tomorrow's the big day. We didn't have time to go over reconstruction plans, but that's okay. Now, a lunkhead asks you, "is the country united?" You say--
I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will.
No, no George, that's not--hhhh--well, it'll have to do. OKAY, a lunkhead asks you, "Mr. President, what does the war on terror have to do with Saddam Hussein?" You say--
The war on terror involves Saddim Hussein because of the nature of Saddim Hussein, the history of Saddim Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.
Again, these are honest to gosh George quotes. 2 Days of things the President ACTUALLY SAID! -fcr
*sigh* George you weren't suppossed to eat any special cookies until AFTER the War Speech. What are the American people going to think if you talk a lot of gibberish on the TV, hmm?
I think the American people - I hope the American - I don't think, let me - I hope the American people trust me.

 

by fcr
9-06-03
A few months ago in Iraq ... meanwhile, at the White House ...
I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America - we can feed ourselves.
Okay, good George. Something doesn't quite sound right, but it's alright. You're going to be on in less than five minutes so what can we do, right?
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.
George, no, that's not, just, PLEASE don't say that in front of anyone. OKAY, It's go time here, time to get this war on mr. president. What makes you the best commander in chief in history?
Ladies and Gentlemen, a big round of applause for George. You can't make this stuff up! -fcr
Others hug but having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to hug and that's me and I know what it's like.
*sigh* yeah, that's great george, way to rally the troops there. ARI FIX ME A DAMNED DRINK AND QUICK LIKE WILL YA'?

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