All comics by filiaprefect

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by filiaprefect
3-31-02
One day, in the Shiere....
Frobo, m'lad, that's a perdy ring ya got there!
Ya, erm, about that Gindulf, er, ya, you, uh, can't have it.
And why on Muddle Urth not, ho ho ho!
'Cause, urm, Bolbo gave it to me, yeah, er, I think that was it, yeah.
(to be continued...)
There's some things you ought to know, ho ho ho, about that thar ring, Frobo!
Aw man, someone get this child molester outta here.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Once upon the time, there was a mystical land called Muddle Urth...
What you callin' Muddle fucking URTH bitch? It's Middle Earth it is. Shit, yo!
And what authority does a PIMP have over the omnipresent Narrator?
I be SAURON, you dumbass, and I be the cat calling all the shots 'round these parts.
Well, excuse ME, Mr. Sauron, but aren't you evil incarnate?
Indeed I am, indeed I am, and what better way to woo them ladies than by being blackest of the black. You know what I'm talkin' bout....

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Well, Sauron, why dost thou protest so much to "Muddle Urth"?
Well you see, Narrator, it's simple, back in the Second Age, or maybe the Third and Half, I can't keep all my dates straight...My mommy said to me, wouldn't it be nice if we changed the name...
Why, what was the name before it was called Middle Earth?
Shit-hole.
Ah.
Doesn't exactly make a tourist-friendly image.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
It's time to meet our heroes. All copyright infringement aside *crosses fingers* here we go...firstly we have the Ringbearer himself, Frodo Baggins.
Great to be here.
You don't seem too enthused.
YOU try finding out your uncle left you the most powerfully evil ring in the world and that you have to throw it in a volcano.
Yes, I can see how that can be quite annoying.
BAREFOOT no less, and with that faggy gardener following you around.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
We're lucky enough tonight to have Aragorn here. Welcome Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, aka Strider, aka Elessar, aka....
Yeah, er, that's enough names.
Why DO you have so many names Aragorn?
It's simple, it's so that no one's quite sure who I am. It's a useful Ranger trick.
Really? But doesn't that make things difficult for your friends?
Not really.
Don't believe him! Try screaming 50 different names during sex! It's exhausting on the mind!

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
And who might you be?
I'm Arwen! Daughter of Elrond! Princess of Rivendel! Who the fuck else?!
Oh dear...
Is the multiple name thing really a Ranger trick like Aragorn says?
No! Not at all! It's a trick so I won't hear the rumors.
Oh crap oh crap...
What do you mean by rumors?
Of his sexual prowess! Not that I haven't HAD BETTER. Yeah, 3000 years of experience over here! And I've had a couple of 6-ers, mind you. WOOO!
The damage has been done.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Our next guest is none other than Samwise Gamgee. Say hello Sam.
Oh, hi! Sorry about the mess, but you caught me right in the middle of gardening Bag End.
Yes, we know how much you like to trim Mr. Frodo's hedges. *snicker snicker*
Right-o, I enjoy more than anything. I'd rather trim Mr. Frodo's hedges than trim my own, if you take my meaning.
Ah, you're a generous person you are, Mr. Samwise. *snicker*
*blushes* Aw, thank you kindly.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Okay, enough sexual innuendos, time to get serious.
Erm....beg yer pardon???
First question: Do you consider yourself to have grown as a person due to your journey with Frodo?
Well, no, not really, I lost a lot of weight you see...
Scratch that, second question, do you believe your relationship with Frodo became stronger due to your journey?
Well, does that time we did it in Rivendell count?
No more questions!!!

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
God here, and I have a message to all you frigging prophets...
Next time you're in the desert and you see a burning bush....
...don't spray it with a fire extinguisher! It's exhausting making bushes burn. Thanks.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Next up, Peregin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. Hi guys!
Hi, what's up?
Yeah, dude, what's the dig?
Well, the "dig", as you say, is that we'd like your input on the whole ring fiasco.
Oh, it sucked. Big time. Especially when Frodo almost died. And when Gandalf died. And when Merry almost died. And when Eowyn almost died....
A lot of people almost died.
So it totally sucked big time?
It didn't totally suck. We got some mushrooms.
Yeah, and I got to smoke weed with the King of Rohan. Who gets to say that?

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Our next guest is....Treebeard? Er...
Hallo there! Hrrm hrrm hrrrm.
You look more like a Christmas tree than an Ent, sir.
I'm in a festive mood! Hrrm hrrm hrrm.
*shuffles through notecards* Well, first question then, why are you in such a festive mood?
Cause those friggin hobbits are finally out of my limbs. Kept pokin at and scratchin me. And it sure got distractin when they'd just start doing it right by one of my roots...
I OBJECT!

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Me and Pip weren't going at it under any friggin tree, that's for sure.
*holds out a video casette with a vine* What do you call this then?
MERRY! WTF?????
Calm down, Pip, where'd a tree get a camera in the middle of nowhere? In the middle of a war?
heh heh heh

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
I'm feeling very depressed. So very depressed that it's terribly depressing..
Yeah, that's great. Anyway...
I'm feeling even more depressed right now than I was feeling a few seconds ago.
Yeah yeah yeah Marvin, just CAN IT.
I'm going to go be depressed over there since I'm clearly not appreciated...
Grrrr, I'm sick of this shit.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Tricia...erm....Trillian....uh....hi. You're smelling nice today. I mean...that perfume you're wearing is wonderful, at least, I'm assuming you're wearing perfume. Well, actually...
Thank you Arthur, and how are you?
Well, not much is new really, not anything you don't know about, us being in such close proximity to each other every day, on the same ship and all. The usual, I suppose.
Yes, yes of course. Well, I'll be on my way to breakfast then. Have you seen Zaphod yet this morning? I'd like to join him if he hasn't eaten yet.
Oh, I saw him in the control room arguing with Eddie again. Seemed drunk out of his skulls. Passed out. Ford tried to wake him up but it was no use.
Er....maybe I'll pass on breakfast this morning. With that lunkhead anyway.

 

by filiaprefect
3-31-02
Hey Tril, what's up? Had a good breakfast?
Actually, I hadn't gotten around to getting breakfast yet, Ford. Arthur said Zaphod drank himself into oblivion. Is that true?
Yeah, fraid so, always the same old story eh? Guy becomes president, guy steals the only spaceship with an Improbability Drive in the universe, guy drinks himself into oblivion. Ya always got me tho.
Er...thanks Ford. I think.
Ever thought about the future, Tril? You're not gonna stay with my creep of a cousin all your life are you? Not that our family's all creeps. Some of us are men of class. Like me.
Get me off this frigging ship!!!

 

by filiaprefect
4-01-02
Ling-Lau had a terrible flu that made her unable to study her fiftyseven dialects of Vietamese and take her forty hours of violin lessons.
Damn right you fucking cunt.
It was such a terrible flu it made poor little Ling-Lau become a whore in the Red-Light district.
Sucky-sucky for five dollah!
Ooohhh yeah, that's what Momma's talkin about. Little Asian girls. Sweet succulent....mmm...
But Jesus appeared to Ling-Lau and promised to heal her of her demons if little Ling-Lau amended her ways!
Fuckin' hippie. Why couldn't ya have shown up BEFORE I got herpes?

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Oh Buffy, I saved us all from Willow's evil apocalyptic mental breakdown. Go me!
*kick, punch* Yeah, that's nice Xander. *kick, stab*
And I thought I was useless! Wrong. It was all a self-esteem issue. Anya still claims to hate me, but I know she loves me deep down and...
Yeah. Uh-huh. *kick* Great. *punch* Wonderful. *stab*
No more "Get us some donuts Xander" for me. No sirree Bob...
Hey Xander, I'm bushed. You think you could get me some donuts?

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Jonathan is brought in for questioning after the robbery in "Seeing Red"
So you, ah, tried to rob Sunnydale's plot-contrived amusement park in an elaborate scheme to take over the world?
That is correct, officer
You're joking, right?
No, sir, I'm afraid not.
.............................
Just cuff me, okay?

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Andrew is next to be questioned
Soooo, your friend tells me that yes, my superiors are correct and a couple of pukes thought they could rob SunnydaleLand and thus conquer the globe.
Uh......yeah? (Don't hurt me, I'll sue. I saw all the movies, so don't think you caught me fooled.)
He also told me about Warren.
Uh...Warren who? I don't know a Warren. Jonathan doesn't know a Warren. If there's a Warren I certainly don't know him that well or that he has "I
I'm pretty sure there's a Warren. We have two witnesses who saw him take off with a jet pack.
Please don't tell him I said that.

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Andrew and Jonathan sit in jail.
*sigh* When's Warren gonna come get us?
He's not, you nitwit. He's never coming to get us. This was all an elaborate scheme to get rid of us.
Warren would never get rid of me. (He needs me.)
He...no, YOU two had no problem getting rid of ME. Why would he need YOU?
*pause* (Well, I know where that spot is right under his thigh that...)
Please don't finish that sentence.

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Andrew is next to be questioned.
Soooo, your friend tells me that yes, my superiors are correct and a couple of pukes thought they could rob SunnydaleLand and thus conquer the globe.
Uh......yeah? (Don't hurt me, I'll sue. I saw all the movies, so don't think you caught me fooled.)
He also told me about Warren.
Warren who? I don't know a Warren. If there's a Warren I don't know him that well or know that he has "I luv kinky sex" tatooed on his left...
I'm pretty sure there's a Warren. We have two witnesses who saw him take off with a jet pack.
Please don't tell him I told you that.

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Back in the day....let's say in the middle of Season 6, Warren seduces Andrew...
Wow, what a day. Hey look Andrew, we just happen to have walked into my bedroom. Fancy that.
Er...it's...uh...nice?
Man, I'm tired. (Not too tired tho) I'm gonna lay down over on this here bed. Wanna join me? (And Jonathan's conveniently not here).
Um.....*gulp* Sure?
Damn you have nice hair. And you smell good. Real good. Better than April, even, and I made her.
Uh....thanks?

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
...continued...
Nice eyes too. Niiiiice hands. Speaking of hands, mind if I put mine here?
Uh.....do you have to??? That's kinda close to my....my...uh...
Yeah. And maybe put this one....here.
Warren, are you trying to subtly seduce me?
No, I'm trying to not-so-subtly seduce you. And from the looks of things by my hands here, it's working.
Shit.

 

by filiaprefect
5-25-02
Willow is evil and Buffy doesn't notice.
Hee hee hee, I'm eeeevil. EEEEEEVIL.
Wow Willow, that's great, Did you know Spike's in love with me and we've been having raging sex in warehouses which is why I've been neglecting you, Dawn, and Xander?
Heeeeee, dark magick, gwaaahaaaaaa....
Ya know, I'm kinda conflicted about this whole Spike thing, ya know? I mean, he's really great in the sack and all, but there's this little catch about him being a soulless demon....
Heh heh heh, bored now.
But I guess we could work through it, maybe with some counseling in town or something...

 

by filiaprefect
6-25-02
Oiy, I hate being a flight attendent. I wish someone would show up and make things more interesting.
Oiy, who're you?
That's precisely who I am. I'm Doctor Who. I've come to take you away from your piddling little life and show you the universe.
That's a load of bullcrap, that is.
So was Season 22. Do you see me complaining?

 

by filiaprefect
6-25-02
Oiy, what's this then? Looks like a bomb shelter mated with a telephone booth.
This is my TARDIS. It allows me to travel through the universe and through TIME.
What, the magazine?
No. Through time. You know, time-travel? Think "Back to the Future".
Oh, I just adored Michael J. Fox in that. I had a huge crush on him back in high school.
This isn't going to be easy....

 

by filiaprefect
6-25-02
Welcome to.....the TARDIS!
This is it?
What do you mean "this is it?" Isn't it impressive?
For Mark Hamill, maybe. Hey, aren't you supposed to have a scarf and an afro?
That was my fourth regeneration. This is my sixth.
What, you mean Colin Baker? Oiy, I hated that git.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Xev Bellringer of B3K wants sex.
I want sex. As soon as possible. Preferably now.
Wow. I didn't know that'd work. Uh...wished it was someone who looked a bit less like Stan though....
Mwaha, it is I, Doctor Who. I have come to help you with your problem.
You mean you'll have sex with me? Well, if we put a paper bag over your head, that'd be great. Do you have a paper bag handy?
That wasn't exactly what I was here for, but hey, it's a plus.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Later, after much paper bag sex....
Wow, that was wonderful. Let's do it again.
First let me finish a sentence. I am here to take you on a journey....a journey of danger, excitement, and really wild things.
And sex? There is sex involved, correct?
You have a one-track mind, don't you?
I grew up in a box.
Why is finding companions so damn difficult these days?

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
This is my TARDIS. It allows me to travel through the universe and through TIME.
What, the magazine?
I can't believe this.
Whaaat?

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Stan, this really weird guy zapped onto the Lexx. We had sex, but then he confused me with his TARDIS.
Are you sure you haven't been eating day-old Lexx goo again?
Ya know what, I was considering the paper-bag idea for a while, but you just got yourself nothing, mister.
Now wait just a minute!

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
790 recites
All day by the Xev, Xev...
All day by the Xev I sigh....
Sit and wait and hope for the day when Stanley Tweedle will painfully die

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
It's Colin Baker! I don't know whether to shit or spit! If I could do either, I'd choose both.
Before the author gives up on any notable plot points, I'd like to have a word with you. Xev is far too stupid to be my companion.
You're going DOWN, fleshwad! DOWN! No one insults my Xev!!!! *rocks from side to side in an attempt of attacking and growls*
That's nice. Anyway, my difficulty is that she's quite attractive and very good in bed. I'm torn.
I have an idea. How about the Peri chick. She's hot, and she's a botanist. And you can throw her down a flight of stairs and she won't say boo.
By George I think the little bastard robot's got it! To the TARDIS-mobile!!!

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Where's that Doctor Who guy, 790?
I destroyed him. He deserved it. He insulted my sugar-pie sweetykins and I couldn't control my fury any longer.
790, I hate to break this to you, but you're just a head. This comic strip is vastly misleading.
I must agree. This comic strip does not at all do justice to your glorious image.
Thanks, 790.
But it does make Tweedle and Baker uglier, which is a plus.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Oh Kai. I thought sex with strange zapping men with paper bags over their heads was going to fill the emptiness that is my soul without you my love, but I was wrong.
That's nice. Hypothetically speaking, of course, seeing as the dead do not have opinions of what is nice and what is not.
Make love to me, Kai!
I kinda don't have a penis. Or a desire to get it up. Not that you aren't pretty.
What are you saying, Kai?
What all the minority audience has suspected. I'm gay. And, uh, dead. Gay and dead.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Stan, I've just discovered the most terrible news!
You have a yeast infection?!
Kai's a....homosexual. Oh, and, uh, dead.
Why is that so terrible?
You're such a meany, Stan!
What did I say??

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Stan, not only is the love of my life dead, which could be fixed, but he is gay and has no sexual attraction to me whatsoever.
Well, you still have Stan the Man. And random zapping British guys, but mostly Stan the Man.
But what about that whole thing on Nook with Trigger and...
Nope. Nada. Nothing. Didn't happen. Nuh-uh. No way.
And what about all those fanfics about you and Kai?
As Captain of the Lexx, I decree that you've lost speaking privelages.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
I can PROVE to you I'm not gay.
Oh yeah? How?
Fuck.

 

by filiaprefect
7-22-02
Later, after much awful sex sans paper bag...
Hey Stan, that was actually pretty nice. This should be a new thing. We should schedule this between breakfast and poker hour.
Really Xev? Because, well, I think this has finally proved what I've suspected all along.
Really? Because I think I've realized something new and magical as well. Something I felt deep down and didn't want to admit. I love you, Stanley Tweedle!
Uh....you were right. I'm kinda, uh, gay after all. And I want Kai.
You've got to be fucking shitting me.
I'll be in the stasis room licking Kai's cryopod erotically if you need any Kleenex or something.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
One day, on the starship Heart of Gold...
Ugh, all this continuity jumping and we still haven't found Milliways yet. (At least everybody has stopped coming onto me.)
I can help!
One day, on the starship Heart of Gold...
Who are you?
Xev?! Xev Bellringer?! Xev with the awesome tits?!
One day, on the starship Heart of Gold...
I spoke too soon.
Wow, it's funny running into you again. (Peri's gonna be pissed.)

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
What was the deal with that narration in part one?!
Eh, must have been a lazy author. So....I've got a paper bag right here, wanna get to it?
EWW! NO! What gave you that idea? And who's Xev? I'm Trillian.
You're not Xev? You look like Xev. And you look like a girl from Diesel Sweeties, but I can't quite place it...
Why do I attract the weirdos? Is it my perfume?
Anyway, that's disappointing. But I'm here for a purpose other than paperbag sex anyway. In the next section, I shall reveal what that is.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
I have something to tell you. I have to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard. I have to tell you now, and I have to tell you in that pub there.
Let me guess. Because I'm going to need a very stiff drink?
No, actually, the reason is we need to purchase some galoshes, some 14 spf sunscreen, and a bowl of Jello.
In fact, I can do that myself. I don't even know why I told you.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
So you *don't* have anything to tell me?
Actually, yes I do. Don't wipe with Sirius Cybernetics brand toilet paper. You'll get cyber crabs.
Is that it? That's the most important news I've ever heard?
No. But this is. Ford's trying to get into Arthur's pants. You need to help him.
That's makes no sense. Ford was trying to get into *my* pants.
Oh don't be so full of yourself, you bint.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
Why are you so keen on getting Ford laid anyway?
Call it an old agenda. It's less to do with that pesky Betelgeusian than it is to do with your dorky Earthling friend.
I'm not sure your plan will work. He was trying to get into my pants as well.
Oh come off the high cloud, Miss Prettier-Than-Thou! Arthur's as gay as they ever get.
What about the entire plot of "So Long and Thanks for All the Fish"?
Lucky shot. Fenchurch was mannish. I don't know. Just get those two together or I don't get my eight bucks.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
He's vanished! I wonder *Who* that was?
Hey, Trillian, what's happening, babe?
Uh...er...nothing Ford. How about you?
to be continued
I was just going to ask you, well, where Arthur is right now.
And so the mission begins...

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
*prepares to masturbate* Oooooh yeah...ooohhh uh-huh....asian girls....oooh...
WTF?! DUDE, who are you?
I'm Doctor Who, and I've come to tell you that masturbating in steel factories may be a way of contracting tetnus.
That was random.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
Oh woe is me! Oh terrible terrible woe! I don't deserve to live any longer!
?!?!?!?!?!
Stop right there! Killing yourself with a butter knife isn't going to get you anywhere. Try a salad fork. It's faster.
He may be right.

 

by filiaprefect
7-23-02
Oiy, I knew I shouldn't have been a bloody flight attendant.
Oiy, not Mr. TIME weekly, i'nit?!
Lovely view you've got, Tegan. The planes get fancier everyday. What do you call the ones with no roof?
I call them bloody wankers who don't call back and that's *my* blasted paper bag and.....aw fuck....

 

by filiaprefect
7-25-02
"You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance!"
*hysterical guinea pig laughter*
"...and there is high chance they habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes."
Now that is fucking funny.
"No one spurns Superwoman..."
Dat's a good bay-bay.

 

by filiaprefect
8-23-02
Post-"Grave", Andrew and Jonathan get lost south of the border...
Um...Andrew, this doesn't look like Mexico.
How is this not Mexico? Look...sun, sand, barbed wire...
Well I was kinda expecting there to be, ya know, Mexicans.
What do you call that? *points*
That's a bird.
Yes, a Mexican bird!

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