All comics by lamontcranston

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by lamontcranston
3-10-03
High above planet Earth.
Tango?
Why Yes.
You're facing the wrong way asshole!!!
Fuck you I'm an artist!
God's justice be done.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
It was just a routine traffic violation...
Well, I'm gonna have to fine you for this.
...
That's an unlicensed agricultural tool you're carrying there.
...
Little did Percy know he was already dead.
Oh, the silent treatment eh? How bout If I haul your ass down to the station?

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
I think i love you.
Thats like...weird, man.
Don't you get what I'm saying??? We don't have much time.
Thats like...weird, man.
Lousy Beatnik.
AIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Hmm... I have discovered a new planet.
The terrain is variable, as are the lifeforms.
where am I now?
Welcome to Australia, asshole.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
FIGARO!!!!!! FIGARRRROOO!!
Goddamit dont you ever fucking shut up!!!
OOF!
FIGARO!!! FIGGGARROO!!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
I am the flame of eternity! Ask me any question that need be answered!
AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
THAT is not a question!
Billy, Put that out! I told you stop playing with matches!!!
HONEY! Another one of your stupid kids is dead!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
IMA GENERAL!!!
YEEEEE HAWWWWW!!
DEATH IS UPON US!!!
IMA GADDARN MISSILE!
YEEEEE HAAWWWWWW!
IM A SHITTY GODDAMN COWBOY!!!
YEEEE HAWWWWWW!!!! DIE SANTA DIE!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!! GOTT IN HIMMEL!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
"Ready..."
So here we are..The firing squad. What are you in for?
Shiiiit You dont shit...this is some cold shit...
"Aim..."
Ah yes. You feel you were wrongfully accused?
That suit wearin jive talkin MUTHA FUCKA!
FIRE!!!!!!!
REJOICE! I AM THE ANGEL OF LIGHT! I have come to rescue you from this perilous end! I am....OOPS.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Oh my god...like That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard! He is SOOO hot!
I know, and he treated me so nicely, and was very gentle!
Yeah man I rode that bitch like a buffalo!
Dude thats fucking great! And you're only 12! Way to go man!
God's justice be done.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
What's your fucking problem?
I'm a rabbit...with chest hair... and a goddamn bra. Need I explain more?
I think I love you.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute! Look at my costume, sailor!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Would you like some coffee?
Come on, I made it just the way you like it!
You fucking bitch.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Hmm... This says I have won a fabulous voyage to the Greek Islands!
Hellfire and Brimstone! Shitty goddamn! Cross my Is! dot my Ts! Thats the craziest gaddarn sack of bulltar I ever done heard!!
What the fuck are you talking about you moron?
I'm doing cowboy talk. Isn't that how they talk?
Fuck! This isnt Greece!
Well skiddaddle on my sassafrass!! Buckin Broncos dance on my shindaddy gravestone! Fuck this shit man. Im outta here.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Hey Satan, wouldn't it be cool if you could give a stripper an orgasm, just by massaging her shoulders or something?
What? No!! You can't do that! You Can't touch the PUSSY!!
No dude you dont understand..what Im saying is...it would be cool if you could give her one just by...
No Death, YOU dont understand, you CANT TOUCH THE PUSSY! It's impossible! She said so!
But that's not my point...What Im saying is...
Oh you're full of shit!...and where the hell are we? We're going in circles man! This isnt the way to the hotel!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
Wanna smoke baby?
Come on, they're filtered, just how you like em baby!
You fucking whore.

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.
No More.
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
I cant remember where in the sam hill I left my darn tootin prosthetic penis!
I've got it right here up my ass Grandpa!
When you manage to get that outta there, I want you practice this motion with it, OK?
Ok grandpa!
He's not really my Grandpa!
And I sure as shit aint her fuckin Nanna!

 

by lamontcranston
3-10-03
And...GO!
Row Row Row Your Boat
Row Row Your Boat
Gently Down The Stream
Merrily Merrily Merrily
Aw...Fuck it man! This isn't working!

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
Can I interest you in a cup o' joe?
Come on buddy, a spot of java?
You Fucking Mutt.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
What the hell are you doing Percy?!
What does it look like I'm doing?
Umm...committing suicide?
Wrong! You humans have no concept of stickman anatomy. I'm performing a complicated brain localization experiment in search of the speech center of my brain. Unfortunately I........
Fucking asshole.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
Uhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Uh!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on dammit!!!
What's wrong Frank?
Uhh!!! Too much cheese!!!
Ohhh I See...
Uhhh! Where the hell YOU goin??
To get some crackers.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
And just what the FUCK are you smiling about?
Heads up.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
Can I spark your fancy with a steaming cup of Folger's?
Mayhaps a tasty hazelnut brew would enliven your senses?
You Fuckin Shitheel.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
Rex! I have returned to Earth to deliver a message!
Oh yes Lord! Tell me your bidding!
You must stop this vicious campaign to populate the world with caffeine addicts!
Would you like some...
God's Justice Be Done.
coffee.

 

by lamontcranston
3-11-03
What are you thinking about Stickman?
The point of my existence. Why live if I'm only to spend years and years in academic institutions, work 30 years at a lousy job, be loyal to one woman, then die miserable?
Would it make you feel better If I rode you like a pony all night long?
You're DAMN RIGHT it WOULD!
YEEE HAWWWW!!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-12-03
High above earth, in the "Kingdom of Heaven"
Mu HA HA HA! I can't be killed
And why is that, foul demon?!
Because I'm already extinct, you fool!
Nooooo!!!!!!!!!
God's Justice be Done! Long Live Caffeine!
AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-12-03
So I said to Jesus, Yo Mama was so fat, you had to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot just to fuck her!
Then jesus says, Nobody fucked my mom you fucking moron, she was the VIRGIN mary!
So I said to Jesus, You ruined my joke, you fucking prick.... FUCK I suck at this shit. Anybody want some coffee?

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Jesus, Can I convince you to sample a cup of creamy latte?
No way, I'm not falling for this!
Come on, just a spoonful of milky goodness?
Ah, fuck it! Sure Why Not?
That's the spirit!
Peace be to Jesus.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Good morning, sir.
Morning...Mr... Christ is it? So what kind of attitude do you believe you can bring to our company?
Whew...a toughie. Well Im not afraid to sacrifice myself for the greater good, I don't mind being hung up with work, and I'm into stuff like "Dress Down" days.
Interesting. What other positions have you held in the past?
Well I started my own religion a couple thousand years ago, then I was a sort of nomadic healer, then I went on to lead a commitee of 12 other guys...I organized get togethers like group suppers.
Well...I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm afraid your really not going to fit the position of daycare manager. We need someone with more mobiliy and with role model qualities... Sorry.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
At the North Pole...
Hi I'm Jesus Christ, I called earlier?
Ah yes, Mr. C., what can I do for you?
I heard there was an available position in the Elf Department?
Huh? How bout you get the fuck outta here right now?
The fucking nerve!
Yeah, damn Jews.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Hi, I'm applying for the phonathon?
Do you have a high school diploma?
Err... sure...I got my G.E.D. before the Resurrection...
OK...good enough for me...So do you have any prior customer service experience?
They say I'm a people person...
OK..pal...you've got the job! You start tomorrow!

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Hello Mr Smith This is Mr. Christ speaking, I was wondering if you'd like to donate $5 to the Save-a-Snail Foundation?
Ummm, Mr Christ, what the hell kind of name is that?!! And what good are snails! Why should we be saving them!!! Goodbye.
Howdy. This is JC speaking, I was wondering Dr. Johnson, if you'd be interesting in donating a few dollars to the Save-A-Snail Foundation?
Ooh...this is one of those sex calls! OK, JC, I'm wearing a jockstrap and my ass is really hairy, how bout you???
Sir, I havent been having much luck today!
Well you're obviously not trying hard enough! jesus christ, why do you think I hired you! I see potential! Now get back to work!

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
The drudgery continues...
Hello, Mrs. Crosby, I was wondering if you'd like to buy some stock in the Save a Snail corporation! It's up and coming!
Excuse me?! That's ridiculous! Are you a retard or something!?
Well, Mrs. Crosby, how bout you go outside and play "Hide and Go FUCK yourself?"
Well ...I NEVER! (click)
Jesus, you're fired! Get out!
Fine. Whatever. I dont need this fucking job. I'm the son of god! I've got supernatural powers! I could fucking smite you in a millisecond. So you can take this job and shove it up your fucking ass!!

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
...So I said to the bartender, "Hey I'm not the one on fire buddy!"
Then he says, "actually pal, you are!"
EEEEK!

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Go Ahead, Skin that Smokewagon and see what happens!
Come on, jerk that pistol and go to work!!
You fuckin slut.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Pull that six-shooter and put me down!
I said, throw down, boy!
You fuckin' jerkoff.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
I wish the neighbors would shut the fuck up, Goat.
I know Chicken, It's impossible for me to sleep with all this goddamn noise. Fuckin shit man.
Perhaps I can ask this officer here?
Good call Chicken, you were always the intelligent bird.
Excuse me officer, I'd like to report a noise violation.
Ok. Uh huh...Right..I'm pretending to care about your little problem. But you should realize that I'm as useless as every other cop. Take my advice and do things yourself...cops are fucking useless.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Later that evening...
Well I guess Im gonna have to take this little problem into my own hands, goat!
I with you 100%, Chicken. What should we do?
Meanwhile...downstairs at the neighbors:
Hey Im a fucking retarded homo!
Hey Im a big fucking homo too. Im also about as smart as a box of rocks! Let's be gay lovers!!
Later...
Jesus, I need your help. I need explosives.
No problem. I'll talk to the Holy ghost and get back to you. Peace be.

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
Chicken puts his plan into action...
Hidy Ho! May I join your retarded gay party?
Sure thing, sailor, come on in!
Hi, you must be Larry, the fucking moron who lives below my room!
That's right, what have you got in that sack there?
Oh just this...
Tick... Tick... Tick...

 

by lamontcranston
3-13-03
The neighbors party has gotten interesting...
Ooh, is this thing some sort of ass toy!?
Tick... Tick... Tick...
Well....gotta go...great party...you fucking assholes!
Ooh come back anytime, sailor!
THE END.
God's Justice be Done.
I couldn't have said it better myself, Jesus.

 

by lamontcranston
4-03-03
Howdy, I'm a 30 year old virgin!
And I'm an innocent Asian child!
Would you be interested in making sweet love?
I don't really understand how this comic could become humorous.
You're right, honestly child rape is not comical.
It seems as though our artist has become devoid of ideas...

 

by lamontcranston
4-03-03
Je t'aime, tu ne sais pas comment je t'aime!
Pourquoi parles-tu en francais? Je suis une fille americaine et une fille qui parle anglais. C'est incroyable de parler en francais lorsque tous les deux parlent anglais!
i dunno, I thought it would be kinda sexy?
Ok, then keep at it!!
Tu es comme une fleuve qui coule dans ma coeur, je voudrais toucher ton dos avec mes doigts gentils et je veux te baiser doucement sur la poitrine.
What?

 

by lamontcranston
4-03-03
Bonjour, est-ce que je peux vous interesser dans une petite tasse de cafe?
Allez, c'est votre parfum prefere!
Salaud.

 

by lamontcranston
4-03-03
Petite Fille, tous que je veux est d'etre amoureux avec une fille, dites-moi, pourquoi est-ce que ce travail est si dificile?
Je vais vous dire: Le monde n'est pas parfait, si quelqu'un veut des choses, on doit les obtenir pour lui-meme, vous me comprenez?
Mais, j'avais fait ca pour toute ma vie, et je dis, pourquoi est-ce que les filles ne m'aiment pas? Mon visage, le corps?
Peut-etre c'est une manque de confiance monsieur, les filles peut apercevoir votre faiblesse. Soyez confidente.
Et si je dirais que je vous aime, vous disiez quoi alors?
Une petite fille ne peut pas aimer un poulet.

 

by lamontcranston
4-03-03
Oh merde, je suis si deprime, tu ne sais pas...
Non, je sais, c'est la solitude, moi, je me suis senti deprime avant.
Et alors, tu a fais quoi?
J'ai joint avec des autres animaux comme moi sous l'emploi de Santa Claus.
Tu suggere que je devrais devenir une reindeer?
Non. J'exprime l'idee que tous les choses veulent dire rien. Nous flottons dans une existence sans sens et font des choses ridicules.

 

by lamontcranston
4-05-03
Baby, I'm gonna sine yo pittie on the runnie kine!
Ooh!
Sepa-town my damie!
No! You're so Silly!
Wa da tai ma sapa cow. Yeah.
What the fuck did you just say?

 

by lamontcranston
4-14-03
You're wondering... "Why is this pile of ashes talking ?"
Well, Larry I'm your Guardian Angel...Yeah I know...The Big Guy was running low on angels...I'm here to tell you... DON't DO IT LARRY! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR!!!

 

by lamontcranston
5-06-03
One day, at the park...
I possess within this little brain the greatest secrets in the universe!!
My God! You can TALK!
Yes, this is true...and all I need is one more nut to tell you these great secrets!
That's it? Ok, there you go pal.
SUCKER!!!!
SONOFABITCH! Goddamn squirrels!

 

by lamontcranston
5-06-03
Welcome to McGreaser's...how can I assist you this afternoon?
Aren't you a little young to be working here?
Welcome to McGreaser's...how can I assist you this afternoon?
Hey! I asked you a question!
EEERROOR MALFUNCTIONNNNN!!!!
I knew it...freakin androids...

 

by lamontcranston
5-06-03
Hey, I need help finding a job!
OK, tell me what skills you have that could help you get a job.
Well, I've humped lots of hens, and I can yell really goddamn loud...
Hmm, well Chicken I'm not really sure that you're cut out for the "Real World" job market.
You know something Goat, I'm tired of your bullshit buzzwords, I've been in the fucking "Real World" since I popped out of an egg, so dont tell me that shit!
Hey! what the hell are we doing on this cruise ship?

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