All comics by mad_matt

Profile

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
These home-made vegetarian burgers were great, hat's off to the chef!
See? Once you get over the whole cannibalism thing they're -
Waht? Cannibalism?
Don't worry. I made sure they were vegetarians, I went along to that campsite just down the road and found a couple of hippies that offered me grass on toast.
And only a vegetarian would eat something like grass on toast, I mean come on, what the hell's that all about? So anyway, I went back there later and, uh, turned them into burgers.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
They're - made - of - p-p-people?!
yeh, they're made of vegetarians.
But I can't eat meat.
Why the hell not?
I'm a vegetarian.
Ah right, you're a vegetarian. . . . . Would you like a tour of my kitchen?

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
- Hey, I'm Bill. - I'm Steve, where's the beer? - It's over there, just behind the eyes. - Cheers
Excuse me, I can read minds. Did you know you have fifteen voices in your head?
Oh, they're not mine, they're Jim's, I just invited them over for a party.
Who's Jim?
My imaginary friend.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
Did you ever notice how similar "chicken" and "kitchen" are?
Why the hell does that mean we have to climb that mountain?
Well, the air pressure's lower there, right?
Yeah
So up there it'll be easier to get my roast kitchen out of that poor chicken's ass.
I don't even know where to begin with this guy.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
He's signing for a football team, in case that isnt obvious.
It's such an honour to sign for Killie, I'm such a massive fan, I go to all the games.
Right, now this is a part time contract so you only train on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
(For the benefit of the Americans in the audience i should point out that this is the real football, where you actually use your feet, and games are played on Saturdays)
That's good, cos I work Saturdays.
You work Saturdays?
Yeah, is that a problem?
Well if you're not available on Saturdays there's no point in signing you.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
...so they didn't want me in the end, cos I told them I worked Saturdays.
But you don't work Saturdays.
Yeah, but I don't want to miss the football.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
I can't believe that guy has a union flag on his shirt. It's so obscene, it's almost hypnotic.
8 pence? a whole 8 pence for a tin of beans? What's the world coming to? I remember when ...
That hot chick over there can't take her eyes off me. One kick-ass knock-knock joke and I'm totally in there.
I wonder what Judas is up to. He's such a nice guy, I wish he was here to see this.
How can a stick have a short end?

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
Is that - ? Surely not? F**k me, it is! But that's not fair.
Hey Jesus, why didn't you invite me to your stag party!?
That ****'s off my christmas card list.

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
Is it just me, or is endurance tv getting easier?
Is it just me, or is endurance tv getting easier?

 

by mad_matt
6-17-05
Hey, fu**ing talk to me you ignorant bastard!
Actually, I'm not ignorant. Clearly you are ignorant of the true meaning of the word ignorant. Furthermore, you are ignorant of the fact that you are ignorant of the true meaning of the word ignorant,
otherwise you wouldn't use it. Using a word, such as ignorant, when you are ignorant of the word's meaning merely serves to spread ignorance, So to summarise -
Your ignorance of your ignorance of the meaning of ignorance is causing you to spread ignorance on the meaning of ignorance throughout an already ignorant society.

 

by mad_matt
6-18-05
Look how squint those nails are. I'm really going to hell for this one.

 

by mad_matt
6-18-05
Well come on then, that mountain's not gonna climb itself.
I told you it made more sense to go up the f**king thing first.

 

by mad_matt
6-18-05
Stripping me to my underpants was harsh...
...whipping me hurt like hell...
...that crown of thorns was uncalled for...
...and my back aches after carrying this big chunk of wood up the hill...
...but they took it too far when they put that mirror in front of me!

 

by mad_matt
6-19-05
I saw a pregnant 12 year old today
It's good to see young women starting families. Most of them are so career obsessed.
Her pimp was telling her it had better be a girl, so she can work for him when she grows up.
It's nice when people carry on the family trade.
He said he'd lost so much income through her pregnancy he hadn't been able to wash his socks in over a week.
That's disturbing.

 

by mad_matt
6-20-05
Look at this cool new weapon I invented to take over Earth - it's an alcohol gun - you shoot it at people and it gets them drunk.
I bet it doesn't work.
It does. I tested it yesterday and it worked fine on those stupid humans. They were all completely wasted.
Where did you test it?
I found this nice little country to the west of britain.
That explains it

 

by mad_matt
6-21-05
Wow, it worked!
No it didn't.
But he's dead
It was only supposed to get him drunk - how are we going to take over the Earth if the humans are all dead?
How did that guy get promoted above me?

 

by mad_matt
6-21-05
I still have no idea why you asked me out - I'm a puppet, for god's sake!
That doesn't bother me, I'll sleep with anything - the other day I had sex with a cucumber!
The sock-puppet tries to change the subject...
So, what're you making for dinner?
Salad
That's disturbing

 

by mad_matt
6-21-05
Who the hell's that guy behind you?
That's Jim, my imaginary friend.
I can see your imaginary friend!?
Don't worry about it. It's when you start seeing pink donkeys you should be scared.
Yeah, I'd hate to be that crazy.

 

by mad_matt
6-21-05
Sir, we have the capabilities to wipe out the human race in seconds, why do we need to develop this crazy alcohol gun thing?
So we can take over the Earth without killing the humans
But why do we want to keep the humans alive?
So we can use them as slaves
But what do we want slaves for?
Loads of things! They can row the spaceship, walk the dog, help us keep the humans under control...

 

by mad_matt
6-21-05
Okay sir, I finally got this stupid alcohol gun working, now can I get my promotion?
In a minute. First you have to shoot me with the gun.
What?
I only made the damn thing so I could save on beer money!
If only this was a real gun

 

by mad_matt
6-23-05
I notice you cancelled my subscription to Sky Sports.
You need to spend less time sitting in front of the telly. Why don't you read a book or something?
You were right. I found this great book and it gave me loads of brilliant ideas.
What's it about?
Henry the Eighth

 

by mad_matt
6-25-05
... and once more, Henman has been knocked out in the early rounds...
... yes he really is shit these days. He's getting to be so shit, it's just not funny how shit he is...
That's not fair. I'm way shitter than Tim Henman, how come they're not talking about me?

 

by mad_matt
6-26-05
Welcome to Hell one-arm. (snigger)
Laugh all you want, but have you ever joined the mile-high club, while actually FLYING the plane?

 

by mad_matt
6-26-05
What the Hell am I doing here?
I'm sorry, you're a Catholic. The correct answer was "Jehova's Witness"

 

by mad_matt
6-27-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
Well this is a dumb idea for a comic.
Yeh, let's just go down the pub and have a pint.

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
son when I was about your age my father passed on to me an important piece of advice.
It's been passed down from father to son for hundreds of generations.
Well tell me then.
"BEWARE the shimmering yellow magic! it's hot to the hand and blackens all it does touch!"

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
I have a really weird allergy.
What sort of an allergy
Whenever I say a certain word it makes me hammer a nail into my head.
What word is it?
Nuts
I can't believe he fell for that.

 

So why do you want to become a catholic?
I want to feel guilty when I masturbate. It's more fun that way.
by mad_matt, 6-28-05

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
What if I was wrong, maybe it was just a voice in my head.
Of Course I'm not a voice in your head, I'm God, you idiot.
Well yeh, you would say that, but if you're not in my head, how do you know what I'm thinking?
Um, well you see, the thing about that is . . .
Why did I have to wait till now to find out?

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
So why do you want to become a catholic?
Those Jewish priests are really starting to piss me off.
Okay. You do realise you'll have to drink your own blood and eat your own body.
That's fine, just get me off this feckin' cross!
Actually, we're gonna need you to stay up there for a while.
God Dammit!

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
So why do you want to become a buddhist?
Well first of all, I'm beginning to think God's just a voice in my head...
... and the Jews nailed me to this feckin' cross, but the catholics aren't any better - they tell me it's for my own good!
Well, now you mention it, it does look like a good way to achieve enlightenment...
God Dammit!

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
You want to start your own religion?
Yeh, all the ones that exist just now just piss me off.
Okay, I should be able to manage that. You're well enough known that we won't have any trouble getting publicity.
So I can get off this feckin' cross now then?
Well actually, I was thinking that's just the sort of gimmick we need...
God Dammit!

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
So what's the deal with this cross?
Well basically, by nailing you to the cross, the sins of every human being throughout time are cancelled out.
So basically a few hundred billion wrongs make a right then?

 

by mad_matt
6-28-05
Dad, what's the difference between church leaders and Al-Qa'eda?
Al-Qa'eda believe that since Allah rules everything people shouldn't be allowed to vote,
and church leaders believe that since God doesn't believe in abortions or gay marriage, people shouldn't be allowed to vote democrat.
So what's the difference?
I don't know son.

 

Let me give you a tip: Next time someone asks you who you'd like to be stuck on a desert island with, don't just say "whoever's there"!
by mad_matt, 6-28-05

 

The trial of a 26-year-old who murdered his pregnant girlfriend and used his dad's credit card to go on a £30,000 holiday to Spain ... the defendant suffers from a severe personality disorder.
A personality disorder? surely not!?
by mad_matt, 6-30-05

 

by mad_matt
7-03-05
Don't you hate it when someone really gets on your nerves? Don't you just wish they were dead,
but you can't kill them cos then you'd end up in jail? Do you wish you could talk to someone about it?
Well then call Deathwish now and tell us about the person you wish was dead.
Our completely free hotline is open 24 hours a day, although as a non-profit organisation, we need your "donations" to keep going,
so feel free to donate a couple of hundred thousand (in cash)
and who knows, your Deathwish (wink) may come true.

 

by mad_matt
7-05-05
Hello sir and welcome to Old Kent Road. While you're here, would you like to buy the street for £60?
What?
You can buy Old Kent Road. A steal at only £60!
£60 for a whole street? In London?
Yes, and then if your friends roll the right number on the dice, they'll have to stay the night here and pay you for it!
You'll be alright, just stay calm and back away from the crazy man...

 

by mad_matt
7-05-05
God Dammit, it's so boring around here, there's nothing to do!
I know, I'll roll a dice, that oughtta fill in a couple of hours
woo hoo, double six! Would you look at that, another double! Double three this time...
and a double 2! What are the chances?
You're under arrest sonny, for rolling 3 doubles in a row!
What the...?

 

by mad_matt
7-05-05
I didn't expect to see you here again so soon, after you got arrested.
Yeh but I got out with my get out of jail free card.
Get out of jail free card?
Yeh but it didn't work properly.
What d'you mean? You got out didn't you?
Yeh but it wasn't free - it cost me the card.

 

by mad_matt
7-05-05
By the way, you got a message, you're supposed to go down to the bank and pick up a tenner.
Why?
You won second prize in a beauty contest.
Damn those smart-arse sarcastic chance cards!

 

by mad_matt
7-07-05
I'm not saying he didn't die for our sins, I'm just saying I need proof.
Okay, just give me a minute and I'll get it.
Hey bob. I guess this is your new acting job then?
Yeh, but at least it pays well.

 

by mad_matt
7-08-05
I bet you have really hairy nipples.
I do not.
Prove it.
It was worth a try

 

by mad_matt
7-12-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
Are you willing to give a blow-job in order to get a promotion
Hmm, excellent promotion prospects and great perks!

 

by mad_matt
7-12-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
Were you taking notes, cos my memory's terrible?
Jackpot!

 

by mad_matt
7-22-05
So I hear Bob got sent down for murder.
Yep, 20 years in jail.
How's Craig doing these days?
Didn't you hear? He got run over by a bus the other day.
Ouch. I guess he's in heaven looking down on us now.
Actually, he swore just before the bus hit him and didn't have time to repent. He's got an eternity of torture in hell ahead of him.

 

by mad_matt
8-14-05
Why does Bush hate gays so much?
'cos it says homosexuality is wrong in the bible.
Where?
In between the 52nd time it says to "Love thy neighbour" and the 37th time it says to "Turn the other cheek."

 

by mad_matt
8-17-05
Where were you on the 12th of August 1765?
What?
A group of men perpetrated a bank robbery in this street on that date - do you have an alibi?
Well...
2 hours later
... and that's why they're all dead.
That's it, you're under arrest, smart-arse.

 

by mad_matt
8-17-05
He's over there.
Thanks Judas, here's you're 30 pieces of silver.

Showing page 1.