somnambulist  

When I'm emperor, the first thing I'm going to do will be to change all of the messages on every crosswalk signal.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, for example, instead of "Don't walk," which pretty much nobody ever obeys anyway, I'd change it to "Sit your fat ass down."

Only you could find a way to combat both obesity and traffic congestion in one stroke.

And I'd change the "Walk" signal to read "What are you fucking waiting for, you dumb bitch? Run like hell!"

And if you only had it on the green lights, you could also help combat overpopulation!