All comics by suicide_king

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by suicide_king
12-03-04
My friend thought it would be funny to post one of them "Caution: Registered sex offender resides here" signs in my front lawn.
I got him back by slippin' his little sister some roofies.
Guess there's no need to take down that sign now.

 

by suicide_king
12-03-04
The neighborhood filling station owner puts his wife's cancer updates on a tall message board instead of advertising his services.
PRAISE GOD, THE CANCER IS IN REMISSION
There hadn't been any news for awhile.
Turns out during the last update, he fell off the ladder and broke his neck. Now I'm left with a $50 bet that his wife would be dead by Christmas, which may never get resolved.

 

by suicide_king
12-03-04
You know that liquor with the little gold flakes in it? They say that if you drink enough of it, the flakes can turn into nuggets.
But my poop doesn't go through a sifting pan too well.
Well, sometimes it does, but when that's the case, I'm usually not in much of a drinking mood.

 

by suicide_king
12-03-04
Just before Christmas break, some of the Seniors at my fraternity shaved off my pubes.
Back home, I played raquetball with my Dad, and afterward we hit the showers.
I'm not sure which made me uneasier -- my Dad seeing me hairless, or catching him looking down there.

 

by suicide_king
12-03-04
I like working at Dominos.
When I tell people I do food prep, sometimes they'll press for more info.
After I tell them I shred big blocks of mozzarella, I kick 'em in the taco before they can reply with another "cut the cheese" reference.

 

by suicide_king
12-06-04
Excuse Mr. Caviezial, I'm with craft services. Today we're having turkey sandwiches, soda, chips, and M&M's.
Listen dickhead, have you ever seen me eating on the set? No -- because Jesus wasn't a fatass like you.
And how the fuck could I eat M&M's with these godamned holes in my hands?

 

by suicide_king
12-06-04
Why do Chinese girls have big heads and short, stumpy legs?
Oh, I love racial jokes... I don't know, why?
It's not a joke sweetheart, I'm asking why you have such a big head and short, stumpy legs.
I'm not Chinese, I'm Korean.
Oh, so it's the Koreans who have the problem.

 

by suicide_king
12-07-04
During filming of "The Passion of the Christ," Actor Jim Caviezel spent hours on the cross.
You method actors are such pricks.
Go away Mel, I'm trying to get "in the moment."
You should try acting, my boy, it's much easier.
But I want to feel what Christ felt.
In that case, c'mon down and check out the actress playing Mary Magdalene.
Yeah, she does have a great pair. Grab a ladder and pliers for fuck's sake.

 

by suicide_king
12-07-04
So how was last night?
That was the best hooker I ever had in Vegas.
Unfortunately, the bitch stole my wallet. I chased her down the hotel hallway and knocked her out with a blow to the back of the head. Still didn't find the damn wallet on her.
Dude, I stuck it in your shoe.
She's still out there. Apologize for me when she comes to.

 

by suicide_king
12-07-04
Would you like me to make my pasta salad tonight?
The last time you made that, it tasted like your only two ingredients were noodles and shit. And you forgot to add the noodles.
Bitch can't take a little constructive criticism.

 

by suicide_king
12-07-04
Tell me you ate her pussy tonight.
That skank had a stank that make's our frat shitter smell like a field full of daisies.
Did you soak it in tomato juice and dive in anyway?
Who was the slope in that "World's Largest Gang Bang" porn?
Jo Jo Wong. One hundred and eighty-one guys.
Let's just say if I was number one eighty-two, I'd rather go south on Jo Jo the porn queen than deal with the olfactory nightmare I encountered tonight.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
Jesus H. Christ. What does the H stand for?
Whore.
Hmm, who would've thunk? Wait, I thought whore started with a W.
It does -- you're just really pissin' me off with all your goddamned questions.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
Happy deathday to you! Happy deathday to you!
Happy deathday, dear Prince of Peace. Happy deathday to you!
Man, I dig your humor. Another time, another place, I think we could've hung out.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
She'd rather be fed while you were sitting instead of standing.
I'd rather be fatherless on a Tahitian beach being serviced by four islander girls providing unlimited fellatio.
Pardon me?
I said, I'll use the chair in the living room.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
Welcome to Hell. Lost an arm there, huh?
No, I found one.
Good attitude. Enjoy your stay.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
I was on jury duty last week. They say you can't judge a book by its cover, but that doesn't apply to coloreds.
Nine crackers and one brother in a suit. Sheeiit -- jury of my peers my ass.
As soon as that criminal walked into court, I just knew he was guilty, and ain't nobody was gonna tell me any different.

 

by suicide_king
12-08-04
Shall I cue the organist to begin "Here Comes the Bride?"
Gimme a few minutes. I'm havin' a major code brown. It's rearin' its ugly brown head, if you know what I'm sayin'.
The holy shitter is that way, and to the left. Matches are on the sink.

 

by suicide_king
12-09-04
Pantera sucks.
Follow me.
You rock.

 

by suicide_king
12-09-04
I think he just shit.
I'd rather you'd say "poopie."
He's gotta rash all around his asshole and cock.
I'd rather you'd say "bottom" and "wee wee."
I'm gonna take a shower.
Scrub good. I'm gonna bang you in the bottom, and I don't want to get poopie on my wee wee.

 

by suicide_king
12-09-04
Ohhhhhh my God, the pain. I can't take anymore... Dear Father, please take me from this earthly existence and accept me to sit at your right hand in everlasting power and glory.
Happy rebirthday to you! Happy rebirthday to you! Happy rebirthday, dear Je--
MAAA! I'm still clingin' here...
Sorry. I'll come back tomorrow.
And a cake would be nice.

 

by suicide_king
12-09-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Years back, Bob told me about a 3-some he did with a buddy. Bob admitted he was naive then, believing the social protocol required him to blow the other guy. That's the last time I ever spoke to Bob.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
Want to see my new ring!
Sure.
That's your penis.
No, no, look closer. The gold cock ring right down there at the base.
I can't see anything through your Ernest Borgnine bush, and I'm not getting any closer.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
As wifey vacuums the floor...
Ohhww, my heart.
Bet'cha you didn't see that M-80 comin,' did ya?
Dial 9 1 1.
Bitch, you ain't done vacuumin' the floor! Look at this -- there's shredded M-80 aftermath everywhere.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
You dressin' up for the office Halloween party?
Yeah, I'm goin' as a post suicidal Kurt Cobain, complete with gunshot wound aftermath. How 'bout you?
Vincent van Gogh with a bloody, bandaged ear.
Management is gonna be appalled.
Fuck 'em. They way I see it, we're both honoring two great dead artists with some funky self-inflicted wounds.
And both driven to do the deed by whores.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
Trick or treat!
Hey Mister, you're supposed to give me a treat, not steal by bag. Gimme my bag back!
Who wants a Twix? Snickers? Anyone like a Butterfinger?
Thanks kid, you saved me a trip to Wal Mart. The party guests we're gettin' hungry. Here's your bag -- don't worry, I left ya the apple.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
Excusez-moi, are you not Johnny Depp?
Yeah.
Are you filming a movie here in France?
Nah, I actually live here.
Ah oui, you got fed up with your Monsieur Bush acting as a maverick cowboy invading innocent countries like Iraq, not to mention the free access to guns which your people use to settle all disputes.
Nah, my French wife and her sisters give the most incredible blowjobs.

 

by suicide_king
12-10-04
Okay, presents are under the tree. Now where did I leave my pipe?

 

by suicide_king
1-13-05
Bitch, you better have a goddamn explanation for this "escorting without a license" ticket that I found in your purse.
I can't believe you snooped through my things when I was in the shower.
That's a violation of my privacy.
Sorry.
And I charge $200/hour to be violated. Leave the money in an envelope on the bed.

 

by suicide_king
1-13-05
I love you, and I was hoping you would be comfortable in moving our relationship forward.
Sure, what would you like?
Oral gratification.
You want me to floss your teeth?
No, I'd like a blowjob.
Oh, so you want me to floss my teeth, needle dick.

 

by suicide_king
1-13-05
Monsieur Sean Penn in Paris? Mon Dieu!
No autographs.
Autograph!? You American pig. Just like your culture deprived country, thinking the whole world revolves around you. Cowboys settling all of your disputes the only way you know how - with violence!
Fucking French.

 

by suicide_king
2-02-05
Can I help you find anything, Father?
I'm so excited -- pitchers and catchers report on February 16th in Florida.
Baseball magazines are in aisle four.
Baseball? I'm talking about my annual Gay Cruise docking out of Key West.

 

by suicide_king
2-02-05
Sorry, I'm a pitcher also.
Jesus Christ, it's all pitchers on this cruise! How on God's green earth am I supposed to enjoy myself when there's not a catcher to be found?
My cat's a catcher
Hmmm, I've never tried bestiality before... Oh what the hey, I'm on vacation. Hand him over.
Actually, it's a female cat.
Sir, that is the most repulsive thing I have ever heard.

 

by suicide_king
2-03-05
'Ello 'ol chum. Good news, I've obtained two tickets for us to tonight's show of Spamalot -- the new play based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Huh?
C'mon chum, you know the movie -- classic British humour. "I fart in your general direction... Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries... We are the Knights who say, Ni!"
What the fuck you talkin' 'bout? Take someone else, faggot. Besides, I gotta video I rented.
Little Boy Blue. He needed the money! Ohhhh! Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her and said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"
Ha Ha Ha Ha. Ah Ha Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha.

 

by suicide_king
2-08-05
Welcome to Hell, Johnny. Bet you wish you laid off us cancer sticks now, huh?
Listen prick, it was emphysema, not cancer. Now come over here and let me have a drag.
Oh no, can't do that -- this is your hell, and everyone is allowed to smoke in your hell but you. Ironic, huh?
I will lick your balls for one puff.

 

by suicide_king
2-08-05
Welcome to Heaven, Mr. Charles.
I can see!
Of course, all earthly afflictions are cured in God's Kingdom.
Hold on a second -- I'm black?
And who the fuck has been dressin' me?

 

by suicide_king
2-09-05
I hold in my hand -- the last envelope.
Pope John Paul the second.
Pope John Paul the second.
Who will be spending next Christmas with me?
Hey ohhh!
May Satan swallow a handful of Viagra and date your sister.

 

by suicide_king
2-09-05
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." Do you know what I mean?
You know, I really do like a woman with tits like yours that talks tough and acts like she can fuck like a bunny. Can you fuck like that. You like it like a bunny? Huh?
Cause baby, I’ll fuck you real good like a big ol’ jackrabbit bunny. Jump all around that hole. Bobby Peru doesn't come up for air. Am I scarin' ya? Your pussy wet? Come on, is it?
Get out.
Hey I'm sorry. I don't think I'm being to polite here. I'll be real honest with ya, I'd like to fuck you and tear you open like a paycheck envelope. Would you like me to do it? Just a simple yes or no

 

by suicide_king
2-14-05
How was Billy's birthday party?
It was cool. We had cake, played basketball, and then ended the party by blowing bubbles.
Blowin' bubbles? Ha, that's so third grade.
Billy's Uncle Bubbles seemed to enjoy it.

 

by suicide_king
2-17-05
LET'S ROLL!!!
What? Wait!
Fuck that, let's hide!

 

by suicide_king
2-17-05
Smell my finger.
MY GOD! That is the nastiest stank -- oh, I'm gonna puke.
I stuck my finger through a small hole between the bathroom stalls.
A glory hole! What did you do next?
Fuck it.

 

by suicide_king
2-17-05
We don't communicate.
I'll answer anything you want to know.
Tell me 2 things you like about me.
Your left tit and your right tit.
Ughhh -- can't you think of anything deeper?
Your vagina.

 

by suicide_king
2-17-05
Oooohhh, oooooohh, I am the ghost of American infidel, Nick Berg, coming for the return of my head...
I... I... uh... I had nothing to do with that. It was all Abu's idea. I'll show you his cave...
Whoa, good one Osama. You got me. Son of a beech, you got me!
Ha, ha, ha, you stutterin' prick -- you were shakin' big time. Check out the wet spot on your crotch. Muhammed filmed it all too! Ha, ha, you got so punk'd.

 

by suicide_king
2-21-05
You should see the other guy.

 

by suicide_king
2-23-05
First that monster killed his wife and baby Conner. Now a guy in Texas kills his pregnant ex and young Jayden.
What is the world coming to?
Yeah, parents really need to stop coming up with these stupid ass kid names.
Exactly -- Dakota Fanning better watch her ass.

 

by suicide_king
2-24-05
The Pope's tracheotomy was a success.
That's fantastic, Father. What did he say to you?
Only God knows.
If you thought that mumblin' prick was hard to understand before, wait 'til you hear him now.

 

by suicide_king
3-11-05
I don't know what I did in this life to deserve all this.
Well, let's start with having provided unlimited fellatio to Clint Eastwood AND Morgan Freeman.
I'm just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream.
Hey, you stole that line! Every porn starlett at the Adult Video Awards used that!
I am going to start by thanking my husband because I'd like to think I learned from past mistakes. Chad, you're my everything.
He's a homo! You're carrying that fag. Trade up, for fuck's sake.

 

by suicide_king
3-11-05
Want to open a present little girl?
Oh yes, kind elf. I so love presents.
The old "cut a hole in the box and stick my dick in it" trick. Works every season at the mall.

 

by suicide_king
3-16-05
Now when my sister started "showing" in 8th grade, everyone thought the delivery would take place by summer.
Do you know what the gestation period is for silverback gorillas?
30 months.
And that's why it's two years overdue.
You're so full of shit.

 

by suicide_king
3-16-05
Scott, you got a death penalty.
What are you saying?
You're going die by lethal injection
Phhhew. I thought you meant my soon-to-deliver whiney wife came back from the dead, and I was gonna have to be a husband again.

 

by suicide_king
3-23-05
OJ Simpson -- what are you doing here?
Hey man, I came to lend my support -- it takes a lot of courage to remove your wife's feeding tube.
Thanks, it's been tough.
Tell me about it, once Nicole gained 25 pounds during her pregnancy. Sometimes these bitches really let themselves go, huh?

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