All comics by theburninator

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by theburninator
6-28-03
Do you know anything about telepathy?
Darn.
Stop staring at me.

 

by theburninator
6-29-03
Hello. I am Thurmond Waynard, III. You can call me Dr. Hellfiend. This is my story.
I was just another computer geek. I claim myself the victim of circumstances. I was into building technological things. Far be it for me to know what trouble that could get me in...
I'm Z5-33, Thurmond's first creation.
News of my creations travelled fast. Soon, the government sought to propsition my work. I didn't know what to do...so I went with it.
Son, how would you like a high-paying, top-secret job?
Uh...cool.

 

by theburninator
6-29-03
The first day on the job...
Son, we need a weapon that could, on command, destroy a country the size of, oh, say, Iraq. I'll be back later to check on your progress.
Obviously, I had moral issues with this. How would I be able to sleep at night, knowing I had created a weapon capable of killing millions of innocent people?
Hmm...
On the other hand, I was getting four and a half million dollars for it.
Let's see...I'll need a remote detonation device...

 

by theburninator
6-29-03
So, I built the weapon. I kept trying to justify it to myself, but it was a pointless endeavor. I was only kidding myself.
Good work, son!
Maybe, uh, they won't use it. Maybe it won't work. Maybe it's just a conversation piece for the boss's mantle.
I went home for the day and watched the news. I imagined I'd hear about my weapon getting put into use. I was kind of worried. But when I saw the destruction, I got a strange feeling...
Reports are flooding the station here: Apparently, some sort of bomb has ripped Iraq apart. We go now live to Iraq.
Oh, crap.
Woah...Sweet.

 

by theburninator
6-29-03
I didn't know why, but for some reason, I was fascinated by the carnage and decimation.
I stared intensely at the TV while it rolled footage of the apocolyptic scenery in Iraq...
This was too cool. I got back on my computer to work on more weapons.
Muahaha.

 

by theburninator
6-29-03
This is so cool.

 

by theburninator
7-01-03
So, I was enjoying blowing things up. And the government didn't seem to mind. I was, after all, going after their enemies.
Keep up the good work, son!
However...
That was all about to end.

 

by theburninator
7-01-03

 

by theburninator
7-01-03
Well, I think this is where things started to get sour.
Uh...son, I'm afraid you're under arrest. Officer O'Malley will be here in a minute to read you your rights and whatnot.
Crap.
I was going to go to jail. It just didn't seem right. Oh well. I gave myself up and went along peacefully with the officer.
You have the right to remain silent, etc., etc., etc. Let's go.
Hah. Yeah right.

 

by theburninator
7-01-03
That night, I ran to my grandma's house. That was the best place I could think of to lay low for a bit and think.
Hi, grandma. Can I stay here for a while?
Of course, sonny.
I went to the guest room and prayed in front of my grandma's crucifix.
What should I do, Jesus?
Then I got some unexpected help.
Dude, you're in some deep poo.

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
A crucifix was helping me?
...Jesus?
Yes?
Uh...can you help me out?
Sure, man. What you need to do is sleep with every judge in the supreme court.
See, now this is why I'm a Buddhist.
Um...how would that help?
That way, when you turn yourself in, no matter who tries your case, you'll get a light sentance.

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
Well, I had bombed every capital city in the world. I decided to just give up and turn myself in.
Hi. Can you arrest me? I'm the terrorist behind the recent capital city bombings.
The Terrorist Behind the Recent Capital City Bombings? Pretty weak name...
Ok...call me...Dr. Hellfiend!
"Dr. Hellfiend"?...Probably gonna be "Susie" here in a couple of days...

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
So, that's my story. I've already been contacted by Mirimax about the movie rights.
So I guess you can go now.
Oh Susie...Daddy wants some sugar!
On second thought, could you stay a while longer?

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
Christianity at a glance.
It is the Will of God. God is infallible.
Islam at a glance.
It is the Will of Allah. Allah is infallible.
Atheism at a glance.
I think I'll go buy a pizza.

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
Fuck.
*Thump*
Ow, goddammit!
Where the hell is the light switch?!

 

by theburninator
7-04-03

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
RAAARRR!!!
AAAHHH!!
The dinosaurs win.

 

by theburninator
7-04-03
Karen, why are you leaving me?
Because...
...Because?
Because you're a big pussy. I want a real man.
Wait! Don't go! Let me go change my car's oil without my shirt on! Or...Come watch me do some power squats! Or I can build you a medicine cabinet!
Too little, too late. Goodbye, Derek.

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
...So, anyways, we were at Seven Eleven, and completely stoned. Then, Jared goes 'hey man, I wonder if we can get a chocolate Slurpie?!' Hahahaha!
Heh heh heh...
...That's it?
I...I guess you had to be there, man.
Apparently.

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
Oh man, I love this band!
Me too, dude! Flaming Scrotum totally kick ass!
Do you like their drummer's side project, Botched Circumcision?
Uh..I've never heard of them.
Poser.

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
Don't tell me how handsome I am! And I couldn't care less about how brilliant you think I am!
What in the hell are you talking about?
Oh, I'm just fishing for compliments by using reverse psychology. ...I sure hope you never try to tell me what a sharp dresser I am!
I hope you get attacked by a pack of rabid squirrels.
Oh, hey, that was good! You learn fast! Please, do not tell me what a wonderful teacher I am!

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
Hi, I'm Tina!
Give me a gun, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
Uh...
What time is it?
Um...6:37.
Let's go to a movie! In France!

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
AIIEE!!
RRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
What the hell? That's what happened in the original movie!
I know, but I really hate Ben Affleck.

 

by theburninator
7-05-03
In the lesbian chatroom...
Yes...massage my breasts.
Mmm...they're so soft.
That feels so good...
Now reach between my legs and...
Click here to enter if you are eighteen or older.

 

by theburninator
7-06-03
Can I help you?
Yeah, I bought something here the other day, and it's damaged. I'd like to return it.
Um, sorry. No returns.
What? No returns?! So what am I supposed to do with a 65 lbs. iron sculpture of the Nativity...that's MISSING BABY JESUS?!
...Might make a keen doorstop.

 

by theburninator
7-06-03
Oh...You again...
This is the warranty that came with the iron Nativity scene I bought yesterday. And it says right here, 'to return an unsatisfactory item, contact retailer.'
...Oh yeah. We lied.
Whatever happened to 'honesty is the best policy'?
Turns out 'no-return policy' is better.

 

by theburninator
7-06-03
I wonder, if, since we only use three to five percent of our brains, we can actually comprehend the true nature of existence; a lack of human restraints such as 'time' and 'space'.
If time and space aren't real, then how can the lives we are experiencing be real, as they are obviously constrained by time and space? Are we imagining everything?
I want some Doritos.

 

by theburninator
7-07-03
George W. Bush dies and goes to Heaven.
Sorry, George...not this way.
What do you mean? *Gasp* I'm going to Hell? Why?!
Well, Dubya...you know when I said "thou shalt not kill"?
Yeah?..
I meant it.

 

by theburninator
7-07-03
God, this world sucks! Everything is so stupid! People are idiots! I HATE THIS WORLD!
What the?...
I'm a WATERMELON! Are you BLIND?! And I'm angsty, because my dad never let me borrow his car on the weekends.
Uh...Alrighty...Hey...what is that?...Is that a bomb?!
Just walk away...

 

by theburninator
7-09-03
Whatcha wanna do?
I dunno...We could play video games, or go see a movie, or go skateboarding...
Internet porn?
Indeed.

 

by theburninator
7-11-03
Do you think that the violence present in so many movies and video games, and on television have desensitized the youth of the nation?
Oh, cool, check it out - that guy's head is three feet away from his body! Oh, but, desensitization? Nah.
...And if you ever make a P.O.D reference like that again, I'll rip your fucking spine out.

 

by theburninator
7-12-03
One time, a few years back, Ozzy Osbourne got fed up with having seats at his concert. So he went on tour and only went to venues that didn't have rows and rows of seats...
It was called the ..."No More Tiers Tour"! Haha!
...Boy, you better hope that the sheer ludicrousness of a talking chicken makes up for that lame ass joke...

 

by theburninator
7-16-03
Ugh...I've got free-floating guilt.. This feeling I've done something wrong, but I can't think of what it is.
Maybe you should do something wrong, so you can have reason to be guilty.
Good idea...
Thanks, that did help. I'll go get some ice.
Ungh...

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
I don't what you're worried about. I mean, how many times has Gralnak Five been visited now with no sign of aliens?
Besides, even if there was life up here, it wouldn't be very advanced. And certainly not hostile. So stop whining.
Hey! Where are you going? What's wrong?

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Yipe! An alien!!
Gleeb. Helgork shtimin pluje!
..Uh..I come in peace. Live long and prosper?
Gribble shneeb lormak. Aur Unaveersar trainslateer eez warking oud yuur langaige.
Your universal translator is working out English? Well, that ought to take a more than a New York minute.
Neew Yorek meenut?

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
So...can you understand me now?
Affirmative. The translator has deciphered the patterns of your language.
Oh..
Do you think you could put your gun down?
'Fraid not. Sorry.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Well, I've made First Contact with an alien species. I should probably go back to Earth and report it.
Yeah, probably...Except that your primate companion is, as we speak, navigating your craft back to Earth.
Huh?
..Duck.
Sure is booking it, isn't he?

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Uhn...Man, that hurt...How am I going to get back to Earth, now?
Well, you can hitch a ride with a cargo freighter.
A cargo freighter? To Earth?
They supply your trees and water.
But...but those are inexpendable natural resources! They take lifetimes to reproduce!
Well, no one ever said our freighter captains were paragons of the work ethic.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
So, how do I hitch a ride with a freighter?
Head east for four and half kilometers, tip-toe through Snarfglas Ridge..if you wake a Snarfglas, you will be devoured...
...Then, trek the Mundai desert, traverse the Ormagon plains, bypass the Feldasni rainforest, swim the Trebelanie Sea, and then sneak onto a freighter in the Shpildorn District Freighter Depot.
Uh...Is there by any chance a shuttle bus to the depot?
No. Don't get cheeky.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Well, it's a long journey. I'd better get started. I guess this is goodbye.
Indeed it is.
Farewell, Earth-man. Safe journey. Oh, if you give the Snarfglas' a piece of Bumba Leaf, they should leave you alone.
Ok, I'll try that. Bye!
Think he'll make it?
Not a chance in Belsendal.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Wait...I don't know what a Bumba Leaf looks like. How can I give one to a Snarfglas? There are all kinds of leaves around here!
But hey, maybe I won't run into a Snarfglas anyway.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
A...are...are you a Sn..Snarfgl..glas?
No, I'm Jerry, the traffic director. What are you doing way out here? Being a human and all?
I'm, uh, trying to get to the the Shpildorn District Freighter Depot.
Ah. Turn around, go twenty meters, and take a right. Follow that road for a kilometer or so, and you'll be there.
...I'll kill him.
Faulty directions, eh?

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
...And then, he said, I was to swim the Trebelanie Sea, then sneak onto a freighter!
The Trebelanie Sea? Haha! You'd have been eaten by a Shalrom in two seconds! So, who gave you these directions, anyway?
I didn't get his name...but he was short, green, round, and holding a red gun of some sort.
Yeah, I thought so. You just described Debzelbach Dreeble III, the Galaxy's most ruthless misdirector.
"Most ruthless misdirector"?...
I know, I know. But he seems to be proud of it.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Man, I'm going to kill Drebzar.. Dremblee.. Whatever his name is.
Good luck. He's been a fugitive for at least twenty hyper-years. That's six hundred Earth years. But you're welcome to stay with me, if you plan on going it vigilante-style.
Thanks, that means a lot to me.
Oh, it's no problem. Humans make great housepets. Hey, are you housebroken?
...On second thought, I've always wanted to go to France.
It's no problem, really. I've even got some Purina Manfood at home -- my old human, Dave, died last week.

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Well, I appreciate the offer, Jerry, but I think I'll be getting home to Earth.
Well, alright. Good luck. Everything should be smooth sailing from now till Earth.
Ok. Bye.
Goodbye.
Wait!...We could play fetch!..

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Is this the Shpildorn District Freighter Depot?
Yep.
Are you a captain?
Shore am.
Why do I find myself worrying about the state of your mental faculties?
My menial do-whats?

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Sit tight, kiddo, yer bout ta experience space travel Kabobkins Style!...That's me, by tha way, Kabobkins.
And we're off!
Whoops, that was the self destruct. Hang on, we'll be off if I can 'member the cancel code.
*Whimper*

 

by theburninator
10-06-03
Oh, sweet Earth, how I've missed thee! It's so good to be back home. ..And out of that space suit.
Uh...
What happened here?!
Some intern at a missle guidance chip factory. Debzelbach something.

 

by theburninator
10-08-03
Why do Christians wear crosses around their necks? The cross was the tool of Jesus' execution.
I don't know man. To me it seems like kind of a warning .."Come on back, Jesus...we'll get you again!"
I wonder what Jesus thinks of it..
Meanwhile...
You're sick, man. Sick.

 

by theburninator
10-09-03
Writer's block.
What a hack.

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