DAIRY MAID, MONSTER SUCKLER
by biped

Down the street, and up the block
Near the solid-waste processing plant
Lives a little girl named Dairy Maid
Who smells like Cary Grant.

Her dreams are filled with bovine love
Of cows in torrid tongue-swept smooches
Swapping cud with swarthy farmers
'Midst droppings left by bitter pooches.

And when the sun bursts through the clouds
And shines it rays upon her hump
Then Dairy Maid jumps up and down
Upon the corpse of Forrest Gump.

The bloody corpse of Forrest Gump
The gory, oozing, rancid corpse
That Dairy Maid shines heat lamps on
Until it shrivels, pops, and warps.

But as the cows in lip-lock swoon
Their teats unmilked, as passion mounts
She dreams of Carrot Top's "equipment"
On which she'd love to jump and pounce.

Milk, and cheese, and chicken eggs
Milton Berle, and Seth Green's legs
The smell of Raymond Burr's behind
Go swirling through her fevered mind.

And now the farmers and the cows
Have mutant children in their lust
That Dairy Maid will volunteer
To suckle with her ample bust.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

This has potential to be something I wouldn't want to be a part of.

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

No, it doesn't.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Three buckets,
Filled with chum,

Sharks are happy,

...

...

uhh...

erhm...

(let's see here, think, think)

...

hm...

(oh, got it!)...

Chrysanthemum!

---
Ham-fisted ham fisting.

I saw some kitty cats playing in the yard one day, so I decided to take the next logical step: to compose a cute song about them to the tune of "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

BOWL FILLED WITH YUMMY WATER
by biped and Paul Simon

Little kitty cats
In the yard
They're running 'round, and play-ing,
So har-ar-ard

But now they're tired
And ohh, so thirsty, too

(chorus)
And so they take...a...drink
From their bowl filled with yummy water
They will take a drink

Play on, kitty cats
With all your heart
And...if you catch...a bird...
Go on and ri-i-ip it apart

The salty blood
Whoa, makes you thirsty again

(chorus)
And so you take...a...drink
From your bowl filled with yummy water
You will take a drink
From your boooowwwlll filled with yuh-huh-my water
You will taaaake a driiiiink

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

JEFF, JEFF, THE ORGAN DONOR
by biped

Jeff, Jeff, the organ donor
Driving down the street
In his mustard-colored Volvo
With a case of potted meat.

"Oh, boy!" the little children sing
They skip and dance and prance and play and cavort and jump around
crazily and make strange noises and have an unpleasant burning
sensation in their inner ear canals and shout and sing and do
cartwheels and somersaults and dangerous stunts involving horses
and motorcycles and people from the Swedish government in their
native attire because it's Saturday
And when the Volvo toodles by
They say "It's Jeff! Hooray!"

Jeff, Jeff, the organ donor
Screeches to a stop
His clothes are in a disarray
His hair looks like a mop!

"Help me, kids!" he sputters then
"Oh, please call 911!"
The little kids dance round the car
They've never had such fun!

"I've been attacked!" Jeff next affirms
"My internal organs stolen!
They took my liver, kidneys, spleen,
Intestines, lungs, and colon!"

The children are beyond such thoughts
They float around and flitter
For such proximity to Jeff
Has left them all a-titter.

And now, as Jeff will soon expire
And "Barney"'s on TV
The little children hurry home
To create a better world, for you and me

Oh yeah
To create a better world
I said a better world
For you and me

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

This poem was written in class by me today. The assignment was to take a headline from a tabloid and then write a poem about it.

So here we go.

PHOTO OF ELVIS
WEEPS REAL TEARS,
BEGS FOR FOOD!
by
Ethan "Possums" Stravinsky

November twenty-second in a photograph museum:
Someone started cryin' and it sounds like ad nauseum.
When I went to go investigate I saw a big surprise:
The King of Rock N' Roll was there, with water in his eyes!
The photograph of Elvis P. was crying real tears!
His whiney, hi-pitched voice was ripping at my virgin ears.
He said that he was hungry, so I offered him a cheeto.
He said, "No thank you, baby; what I want is a burrito."
So I went down to a restaurant and bought him what he sought.
I gave to him the tasty treat that I so kindly bought.
He claimed that he was happy and he gave me an LP.
I gave him many thank-yous, though I wanted a CD.

That was beautful, man. *sniff*

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

*snap snap snap*

This is quite possibly the cutest poem ever written.

KITTY-BEAR AND UNDERWEAR
by biped

One day, as little "cutie" cats
Were frolicking, in search of rats
They came upon the secret lair
Where "Pup-Dog" hid his underwear.

Hidden deep within the trees
And guarded by a swarm of bees
The underwear of "Pup-Dog" lay
In piles as tall as Doris Day.

"Meow!" the happy kittens cried
As one by one they ran inside
To play amidst the underwear
And sing the song of Kitty-Bear.

(kitty cats singing)

Oh, a million underwears
And kitty cat is there
To help the underwear

Oh, the underwear is fun
And kitty is the one
Who helps the underwear

Yes, the underwear and Kitty-Bear
The kitty cat will always care
About the underwear

Oh, a million underwears
And kitty will prepare
A place for underwear

Oh, underwear "at bat"
And "catcher" kitty cat
Will catch the underwear

Yes, Kitty-Bear and underwear
Will always judge you fair and square
Inside the underwear

And underwear and kitty-o
Will plant potatoes that will grow
Inside your underwear!

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

poop is good, poop is fun, *ahem* uhhhhhhhhhhhh,

yeah.......
ummmmmmmmm........
HOT DOG BUN!

---
uhhhhhhh, hi?

I like the way you rhymed "fun" with "bun."

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide?"
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go Keyser Soze
Highlights yes but don't underline 'em
Just live for N.O.W. like Gloria Steinem
Life is like Marion Berry
It's not all that it's cracked up to be
Like Fred Sanford when the big one comes
Find the meaning of life is there is none
It's twenty-four hours when you call it a day
Be Frank and say I did it "My Way"
Don't give a Flying Nun no don't give a Gidget
Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget
If life were picture perfect you could frame it
But the world is a diaper so let someone else change it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

All born equal unless you're Canadian
Then halfway through decay like Uranium
You define what's death defying
Get the most out of life or at the least die trying
Are you Evil Knievel jumpin' a train?
Or runnin' with scissors like Frasier Crane?
Have really good times doin' really bad things
'Cause the show ain't over 'til the fat lady sings
Like Elton John with his "Candle In The Wind"
It's hard to blow out a flame as big as him
But we've all got to Wang Chung with the Grim Reaper
Whether you're Einstein whether you're Beaker
Death is certain so it's definitely worth flirtin'
Don't expect a bright light no just curtains
Life is like a penis most people don't know it
But most people suck so they usually blow it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

Oh wait. Did you say original?

---
You know you totally missed me!

Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide?"
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go Keyser Soze
Highlights yes but don't underline 'em
Just live for N.O.W. like Gloria Steinem
Life is like Marion Berry
It's not all that it's cracked up to be
Like Fred Sanford when the big one comes
Find the meaning of life is there is none
It's twenty-four hours when you call it a day
Be Frank and say I did it "My Way"
Don't give a Flying Nun no don't give a Gidget
Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget
If life were picture perfect you could frame it
But the world is a diaper so let someone else change it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

All born equal unless you're Canadian
Then halfway through decay like Uranium
You define what's death defying
Get the most out of life or at the least die trying
Are you Evil Knievel jumpin' a train?
Or runnin' with scissors like Frasier Crane?
Have really good times doin' really bad things
'Cause the show ain't over 'til the fat lady sings
Like Elton John with his "Candle In The Wind"
It's hard to blow out a flame as big as him
But we've all got to Wang Chung with the Grim Reaper
Whether you're Einstein whether you're Beaker
Death is certain so it's definitely worth flirtin'
Don't expect a bright light no just curtains
Life is like a penis most people don't know it
But most people suck so they usually blow it

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home

Oh wait. Did you say original?

---
You know you totally missed me!

quote:

---

Oh wait. Did you say original?

---

I DROP MY PANTS
by biped
_____________________________________
Whenever I am in the mood
Or have a certain attitude
I drop my pants and run around
Sometimes all the way to town

Downtown
Where I love to fly around
In and out of shops
With my pants down

Downtown
I'm not your clown
Just because I run around
With my pants down

And speaking of clowns, I hate them all
Especially the one who balances a ball
On the end of his nose
As I take off my clothes
And run around the circus in my mother's pantyhose

Downtown
Where I love to fly around
And not be your clown
With my pants down

Downtown
Oh look what I found
A reflection of me
With my pants down

I drop them in an Aston-Martin
I drop them in a kindergarten
I drop them at the old folks' home
I drop them in the Astrodome.

I drop them in your kitchen, Mom.
I drop them in your office, Tom.
I drop them in your workshop, Santa.
I drop them for you, Indiana.

I drop them when I'm in a luge
I drop them in a centerfuge
I drop them on the frosty loam
Of Juno, Anchorage, and Nome.

I drop them on the local news
I drop them on a Princess cruise
I drop them at a live beheading
I drop them at your sister's wedding.

So hear's the thing I meant to say
I pull my pants down every day
And hop around, and skip, and dance
It's lots of fun to drop my pants.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

LEAVES AND GRASS (a medieval pagan chant)
by biped

Fill your ass with leaves and grass
Set them afire, to the tune of a lyre

Dance and jangle
Lance at an angle
Bramble bush tangle
Berries dangle

Fill your hole with smoldering coal
Feel it burn, a lesson you'll learn

Flail and amble
Tippy-toe ramble
Flit and gambol

Signed,

Glen Campbell

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

This is called "THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS GAME SHOW POEM 4"

Oh, Wink Martindale
game show host supreme
I'd pay a hundred dollars
to watch you pose and preen
you asked me to bend over
but I said "no thanks"
I'm saving my anal virginity
for Mister Bob Eubanks.

Alex Trebek, I see you're back
to get into my pants
but every time I tell you no
you do the Hammer dance
And your other annoying tendency
that I forgot to mention
is that when I moan your name in bed
you say, "Put it in the form of a question."

And now I fade into the night
before I get off track
I just got fifty dollars
to go blow Pat Sajak.

---
I has a flavor!

That was lovely. As a long-time Wink Martindale fan, I especially enjoyed the part with him in it.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

THE MIGHTY BIFF
by biped

Whenever Biff pulls into town, the people find it grand
They shout, "There's Biff, O Mighty Biff, the mightiest in the land!"
When Biff stops by the liquor store, to buy a case of beer,
The little children gather 'round, and raise a hearty cheer.

Whenever Biff gets stinking drunk inside the local bar
The patrons gaze with wonder as he staggers to his car.
They bet on just how far he'll get before he hits a wall
And crashes through the windshield, to the merriment of all.

Whenever Biff puts on a dress and waltzes down the street
He's welcomed by the local cops as they patrol their beat.
They take him to the station and prepare a special cell
In which he bounces off the walls until his mind gets well.

Whenever Biff gets out of jail, he finds it worth the wait
Because the Ladies' Social Club invites him to a fete.
A festive meal is followed by a speech from Mrs. Welch
To which the grateful Biff responds with lo, a mighty belch.

Whenever Biff decides he's had enough of city life
He hops behind the wheel and motors home to greet his wife.
"Come back anon!" the townsfolk cry with everything they've got
To which the Mighty Biff responds politely "Well, why not?"

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

You scream and cry and ask me why,
You bawl and throw your shoe.
But you were cheatin on me,
so thats why I'm leaving you.

You screwed around with my neighbor Lilly
You screwed around with my best friend Bob.
You've even screwed my goldfish,
My cat, my ferret and dog!

What you did wasn't fair,
My dear, you're a blatant rat.
And now I want you to say hello,
To my little friend, Mr. Baseball bat!

---
I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

That was very moving.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Noonie, that little poem is remarkably Shel Silverstein-ish.

He was my idol.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

quote:

---

Noonie, that little poem is remarkably Shel Silverstein-ish.

He was my idol.

---

Playboy used to publish a lot of his stuff. I know, because every time I found a new Playboy under my big brother's bed, I would think, "Oh boy, more Shel Silverstein."

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.