I was at a bar in a bowling alley tonight (they have karaoke there), and the bartender looked exactly like the forumusers drawing of gabe_billings.

I might have asked to lick his head if I hadn't been there with my boyfriend.

Wow, where'd that come from?

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Sid's Bowl-o-Rama, on west Eighth? That was me. Sometimes I run over to Nebraska to pursue my dream of being a bowling alley mixologist.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Um... I think a lot of people are bald. And have mustaches. Its in.

I'm not saying the bartender was bald and had a mustache. I'm saying he looked exactly like the picture. He was wearing the same shirt and everything.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

I feel sorry for the poor guy. It can't be easy going through life looking like that.

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

I bet that bowling alley guy wonders why every donkey he sees runs away from him.

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Um, Clark, I don't think life as a horses ass would be a walk in the park either...

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A horse walks into a bar... the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

A polar bear walks into a pub, plonks both his hands on the bat and says, "I'll have a........................................................ beer, thanks."

The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "I can't serve you: you're a piece of string! Get out of my bar!"
So the piece of string leaves, contorts his body into another shape and ruffles his hair. Then he re-enters the bar.
"Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" asks the barman.
"No," replies the string. "I'm a frayed knot."

I am officially sorry that I started this.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

A guy walks into a bar. The second guy ducked.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

*A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

*A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fungi!"

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

[Click to view comic: 'A strip I'm going to post whenever a joke makes me groan']

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a scotch neat. The barman looks... pauses.... and says: "Hang on a sec." He then goes back to ask the manager what he should do.

The manager says: "It's a gorilla? A freakin' gorilla??" The barman replies "Yep. What should I do?" The manager replies: "Go ahead and serve him.... And charge him fifty bucks for the drink while you're at it. He's a gorilla. He won't know the difference!"

The barman comes back out, serves the gorilla a scotch neat, and says: "That'll be fifty bucks." The gorilla peers at him for a moment, drinks the scotch down, tosses a fifty on the bar, snorts, and gets up to leave.

The barman says: "You know.... I gotta tell you; We don't get many gorillas in here." the gorilla turns his head over it's shoulder as he's leaving and says: "Yeah, and at fifty bucks a drink you sure as hell won't be getting any more!"

I know, but it's an old fave.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

All right, a duck walks into a bar. A lawyer gets close to the duck and says "Give me a twenty and I'll do something nobody in this bar has ever seen before." The duck leaves the bar and comes back in, three times. The lawyer cozies up to the duck and says "For a dollar I'll give you a night you'll never forget."

So the duck takes a deep breath and yells "You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman

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"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel..." - homer

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer. While he's sipping on it, he glances down the bar and is surprised to see an orangutan sitting there, nursing a drink.

'What's the deal with him?' he asks the bartender.

The bartender glances around the bar and looks back at the man.

'I don't think now would be the best time to get into that. I'll tell you a little later.'

The guy shrugs and goes back to his beer.

After an hour or so most of the bar has cleared out except for the man with the question, the bartender and the orangutan.

'All right,' the bartender says, glancing at the man. 'Check this out.'

The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a short lead pipe and proceeds to smack the orangutan a hell of a whallop on the side of its head. The orangutan falls onto the floor but immediately jumps back up and starts hopping up and down screeching. Then suddenly it leaps over the bar, yanks down the bartenders pants and proceeds to give him a blowjob.

When it's finished it crawls back over the bar onto its stool and the bartender pours it another beer.

'So whatdya think?' the bartender asks, grinning at the man. 'How'd you like to give it a try?'

'I guess so,' the man says, shrugging. 'Just don't hit me so hard.'

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says, "I'm in the mood for something a little out of the ordinary tonight."

The madam directs him upstairs to the second door on the right. Inside he sees a 300 lb chicken (136 kg). The man is taken aback, but what the hell -- he did ask for something out of the ordinary. So he proceeds to lay pipe to the giant chicken.

The next week he comes back and again asks for something out of the ordinary. This time, the madam directs him upstairs to the third door on the right. Inside, he sees a row of men and women watching through a one-way window as three lesbians go at it.

"This is incredible", he remarks after watching the show for a few moments.

The guy next to him says, "you think thats incredible? Last week there was some guy in there with a 300 lb chicken."

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

quote:

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All right, a duck walks into a bar. A lawyer gets close to the duck and says "Give me a twenty and I'll do something nobody in this bar has ever seen before." The duck leaves the bar and comes back in, three times. The lawyer cozies up to the duck and says "For a dollar I'll give you a night you'll never forget."

So the duck takes a deep breath and yells "You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman

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I think he used some website to automatically generate that... I don't remember what the site is, but I've used it before.. It's funny in it's unfunnyness.

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

after a while the only way to make it funny again is to give people random jokes and see them try to find the punchline, which is non existant or on a complete non-sequiter...
and not the funny kind of non sequiter...

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"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel..." - homer

quote:

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A polar bear walks into a pub, plonks both his hands on the bat and says, "I'll have a........................................................ beer, thanks."

The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

A guy walks doen to the local house of ill repute and asks for the madame. "Listen," he says, "I am VERY horny, but I only have five dollars. Is there anything you can do for me?"

"Well," she says, "I have someone upstairs you might like. She's a little older than my other girls, but for five dollars, she's all yours."

"Great!" the man says. He goes up to the room, opens the door... and there is this old woman. She must be about 90 or 95... old, saggy, and incredibly wrinkly. He thinks, "Well what did I expect for five bucks?" and proceeds to take off his clothes.

He gets all ready to do the deed when the old lady stops him. "Wait a second, honey! I do things a little differently!" She then proceeds to pop out her glass eye. "Stick it in there!" she says, pointing to her eye socket.

The fellow is somewhat taken aback, but at this point he's ready for anything. And wouldn't you know it? He has a GREAT time. The best sex he's ever had in his life.

As he's putting his clothes back on, he says "This was wonderful! The next time I have another five dollars, I'll be back!!!"

"Okay," the old lady says, "I'll keep an eye out for you!"

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

I can vouch for the existence of this unfunny-bar-joke-creator. The URL languishes somewhere in my mail archives, but I can't be arsed looking for it.