Simian Says: What's for Dinner? by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

So you like to help around the kitchen ... That's not what I meant when I was talking about tossing salads. Doesn't matter. You need to do something around the house and it might as well be to fix dinner. Look lady, I really don't know how to cook and to be honest, I'm not really motivated to do anything. You did want to sleep at the end of my bed tonight, right? Would you like that to be a three course or five course meal?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: The Naked Chef by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

I don't know a damn thing about cooking. I eat bananas everyday for Pete's sake. This may be the first time in history when I've offered to make dessert rather than be dessert.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Who wants Brownies? by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

No sweetie, you see the alphabet is the only thing the Indians ever gave us. Mommy, are you feeling okay? Better than ever. Your monkey friend made a batch of very special brownies for dessert. BROWNIES!!! You're gonna have to wait for me to make a new batch kid. I just smoked the last of the ingredients.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Bedtime by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

I've got to tell you that I have not had brownies like those in a long time. Job well done. Now, let's get to bed. I've got to warn you, I have a sleeping disorder. You mean like randomly fondling people in your sleep? I was going to say snoring, but let's go with yours.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I want to randomly fondle you in your sleep.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

But we just met.  Gee whiz, this is all going so fast.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Heavy Lifting by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

A little more to your left. Yes! That's the spot! Don't stop now! Go, go, go! Listen lady, I'm not as tall as you are. I've got to pace myself. Are you using your tail? When I'm in the zone, I will use all I have to make things happen. Wow! Well, when we're done moving the furniture around, we can hop into bed and you can show me your skills there, and no more questions about why we're rearranging the bedroom in the dark.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Pillow Talk by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

Wow! That was incredible. Was it good for you? Yeah. I need to apologize though. I didn't mean to shoot my load in your face. I was aiming higher like you asked. Yeah, I was meaning to ask ... Does it always taste like banana cream? Only when I haven't eaten asparagus or burritos.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

I have a confession to make. I really wasn't that stoned. I just pretended to be so that you would think I was easier to seduce and then try to sleep with me. You realize that all you had to do was show up naked, right?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Sleeping Arrangements by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

Well I'm beat. I think it's time to go to sleep. I'm with you. I'll just head down to the end of the bed ... I can't let you sleep at the end of the bed anymore. Our relationship has changed. I have some other place special in mind for you. If I find out that it suddenly just got dark because you threw me in a closet and not because you just slapped a gimp mask on me, I'm gonna be pissed!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Trapped in the Closet by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

So where am I and why is it so dark? You're in the closet with us, the rest of the mistress' sex toys. What are you, a bunch of talking vibrators? No, actually we are a lot like you. What do you mean "a lot like me?" Hey! Which ever one of you jerks is standing on my crotch will have to come down here and kiss it to make it feel better!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Meet the Crew by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

Let me introduce you to the mistress' sex toys, or as I like to call us, "The Crew." I'm Seth. The mistress picked me up to fulfill the "grabbing the bull by the balls" thing. Hey, I'm Rosco. The mistress picked me up because I will lick peanut butter off of, and out of, anything. And I do mean anything. I'm Scat. The mistress picked me up because she just liked the word play of "pussy." Waz up? The mistress picked me up after reading about the whole Richard Gere/gerbil thing but couldn't find a gerbil on short notice. As for me, let's just say I know the mistress isn't Jewish as she loves to eat pork. If I wasn't so freaked out by that woman right now, I might just be falling in love with her.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Closet Conversations by four_legged_tripod 6-22-09

So you're saying that this woman uses her own daughter to lure animals like us home so she can get freaky? That's what I'm saying. But I thought that was what I was doing to her. Join the club man. We were all played. So then why do you guys stay? Let's just say it's nice to give Mother Hubbard the bone every now and again.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Now What? by four_legged_tripod 6-23-09

I know this probably seems weird and all, but really it's not that bad. I don't know. I'm not used to sharing, nor am I used to being the prey instead of the stalker. It's all so confusing. I understand if this situation makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you need to look somewhere else to find what makes you happy. But I've already hit all the parks, school yards, skating rinks, and Chuck E. Cheeses. Where else could I go to find vulnerable people to sucker into using? eHarmony Video Personals #655420 MONKEY Hello? Is this thing on?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: eHarmony by four_legged_tripod 6-23-09

eHarmony Video Personals #655420 Hi. I'm Monkey. I'm not really searching for love, or at least the "Hallmark card" kind of love. More like the "too embarrassed to tell your friends, what the hell did I just do, I need to go to the clinic to get checked out" kind of love. I'm recently out of a relationship with a woman who wanted more barnyard sex than I was comfortable with, which is saying a lot. A little bit about me. After being excommunicated from the church, I became a boyscout leader and then an ice cream man when that didn't pan out. The perfect mate for me is someone who is open-minded, willing to experiment, flexible, and not fat. So if you think you can handle a "walk on the wild side," or are just sickly twisted and perverted, you can reach me at 655420

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Login Logout by four_legged_tripod 6-23-09

Let's see. Login. Password. Enter. You have 000 matches. What? That can't be right. Oh, I have to scroll over. You have 420,000 matches. Ah, so many freaks, so little time.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: I'm Going Out by four_legged_tripod 6-23-09

Where are you off to? I've got a blind date. What about us? I'm not comfortable with sloppy seconds or fourths or whatever. Plus, is it really true that you went "gerbiling" with that poor little mouse? I've got it on videotape if you don't believe me. I suppose my date could wait.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: TV Time by four_legged_tripod 6-23-09

Oh no way! Don't go in there! He went in there. Wow! Where did she get the money for an internal camera and how did she strap it to his head? Dude, I've seen the video and I still don't believe it. If you need proof, you could always smell my elbows.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Blind Date by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

That was horrible. I can't believe she made that poor mouse do that. There are just some things an animal shouldn't have to go through. Oh well. At least I'm at the bar. There isn't anything Jack Daniels can't erase. That is of course unless my eHarmony date looks like a dog. Monkey?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Getting to Know You by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

I'm Emily. I want to say that I loved your eHarmony video. It was so raw and honest. Yeah. Speaking of honest, your profile picture led me to believe you were a hot cheerleader. Oh I used to be in my cheerleading days. I'm now entering a emo phase. I'm sorry. I wasn't really paying attention. Did you just say you were in an eating emu stage? No. Emo. It's short for emotions. It means I'm really connected with my emotions. Well by the looks of you, I'm going to guess that you haven't connected with your happy emotions in awhile. That is of course unless you ate them.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Naturally by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

So then I entered Wicca. You literally became a witch? No. It was more about being connected to nature. I feel really close to nature. Especially trees. Is that because you're built like a tree stump? No. It's because you can tell how many boyfriends I've had by counting the cut marks on my wrist.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: The Ex by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Here. Let me show you a picture of my last boyfriend. And you honestly have no idea why he drove nails into his head after he met you?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: False Advertising by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Look. This isn't how I thought tonight would go, but I'm drunk. What do you say we salvage the rest of the night and go back to your place? I'm sure there's a lot of hot candle wax we can work with. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a born-again virgin. Although I've had sex before, I've taken a pledge not to have sex again until I'm married. But you saw my video! You knew what to expect. This is false advertising. Why did you even come out with me tonight? I was hoping to convert you. And I was hoping you would convert into at least a size 10, but I guess we'll both be leaving disappointed.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Reunited by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Well that's just great! First, I'm scarred for life after watching the poor mouse enter the "tunnel of love." Then my date turns out to be a pasty white, overweight cutter who I still didn't get to bang. This night couldn't get anyworse. Monkey Man! I've really got to stop saying that things couldn't get any worse.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Not Feeling So Good by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Hey Monkey Man, I mean "Tia." I'm sorry for running out on you like that. You really freaked me out when you pulled out a fist full of my pubes. Yeah, about that ... I got to thinking that I really did enjoy myself and would like to do it again. Al, to be honest, my night hasn't gone so well and I'm starting not to feel so good either. Hey Monkey Man, you've either just pretended to pass out to play hard to get, or you're assuming the position. Which is it? Monkey Man? Monkey Man?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke