The truth about internet dating services. by Kitty_Kat 12-03-01

Must be able to cornhole. That should be it for my dating service. Thank you for using EDate Thank you for using EDate TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE JAEL. I am never using an online dating service again. AFTER TOBOR CORNHOLES YOU, TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU.

I don't think this chick will ever want to hear the word 'cornhole' again.

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My life totally and completely REEKS.

The truth about internet dating services. by Kitty_Kat 12-03-01

Must be able to cornhole. That should be it for my dating service. Thank you for using EDate Thank you for using EDate TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE JAEL. I am never using an online dating service again. AFTER TOBOR CORNHOLES YOU, TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU.

I don't think this chick will ever want to hear the word 'cornhole' again.

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My life totally and completely REEKS.

CC83 - Harold Shipman by kramer_vs_kramer 12-04-01

So. Tell me something interesting about yourself. I have an evil hand. It acts independantly from the rest of my body and I have no control over it. Stop that. It's not me- it's the evil hand.

And now... the riveting conclusion!

CC 83.11: Paniatrama! by kaufman 12-04-01

So this is Mars, huh? Where are all the canals? Oh, they all flew south for the winter. Yeah, right. No, where are they really? If you must know, the canals are just a figment of earthlings' imagination built upon poor scopes and the sight of their own optic capillaries. Just like Mars can't sustain life. I don't even exist! On the other hand, I guess they did head south after all. You say they flew? Of course! Even on a planet this small, it's still too far to walk.

CC 83.12: Joeys to the Worlds by kaufman 12-04-01

Let me show you some of our planet's fauna. These guys are popular housepets. And these odd creatures are some of our upials. Peculiar beasts, if you ask me. Yeah, actually, we have some of them on Earth too.

CC 83.13: The Voyage Home by kaufman 12-04-01

Well, we ought to be heading back to Earth now. I have to be up early tomorrow. Let's hop into the saucer. Thanks for showing me around. We interrupt this story for a special report. An outbreak of Norwegian Laughing Sickness has ha-ha-ha-ha whohohohohee whoowee back to hahaha our regularly scheduwuwuwuwu... Ugh! Rough landing. Bah, don't worry about the monument. They use a breakaway joint. This happens all the time.

CC 83.14: No Participle Place to Go by kaufman 12-04-01

It's been fun. I'll see you around. Before we retire, how would you like to get balled? Are you kidding? Look at me! Not a hair. But I bet you'd like it if I blue you. YEAH! You knew this was coming.

CC 83.15: Epilogue by kaufman 12-04-01

Dave headed out to Las Vegas and now performs in the touring company of Blue Man Group. Marsha completed her Master's in Crop Geometry, and now owns a bed & breakfast in Roswell, New Mexico. The Waitress ran off with her brother's girlfriend, and they opened Mr. Lambda's Golden Paradise restaurant in central Wisconsin.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I haven't entered a contest in a while. Here's my drought-breaker:

CC83 - Superficial literary judgements, and all that... by DexX 12-04-01

Ah, nice to be home. Could you make the coffee while I go get into some more comfortable clothes? Thanks. Sure! No problem! It's such a relief to get these restrictive clothes off... We-hey! I bet it is! Hey, my wig's been making my scalp itch.. You don't mind me leaving it off while we have sex, do you? *choke*

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

CC83: That's pretty personal by boorite 12-04-01

What made you decide to answer this particular personal ad? Two words: "great head." Well, you're all about great head. Got that right. Hey, there's the doorbell now. All aboard for great head. . . .

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What others say about boorite!

Here is my entry, I thought about sitting this one out since I ran the last one,

anyway, this is a continuation of my entry to CC81, where Indy Pete was considered a woman...

CC83: Kelly's Rejection by KajunFirefly 12-04-01

Hi and welcome back to "Impaired Vision MatchMaker", I'm your host Cassandra Biggles and tonight we'll see how our love birds Spankling and Kelly got on last week! So Spankling what did you think when you first saw Kelly? At first I thought she was great, the hottest thing I'd ever seen, but the strange thing is, once CC81 was over, she seemed to change. and what about the date itself? It started out alright at first, but when we got to the meal, it started to get strange....

CC83: Kelly's Rejection by KajunFirefly 12-04-01

Everyone in the restaurant was staring at us and making comments... Hey look at that guy, his date looks like a man! Yeah, you think "she" would at least shave "her" armpits! so, uh, you come here often? I don't get out much! There's a horrible smell of sweat coming from that table! Ha, thank fuck I didn't end up with that ugly bitch!

CC83: Kelly's Rejection by KajunFirefly 12-04-01

I shouldn't have let her choose the film... so, what film do you want to see? I was thinking we could watch "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" then "Birdcage" or "In and Out"? Every time Guy Pearce came on screen there was a noticable bulge in her trousers! There's still some popcorn at the bottom if you want to reach down and get it! I just kept my hands in my pants to make sure that nothing happened.

CC83: Kelly's Rejection by KajunFirefly 12-04-01

I contemplated a goodnight kiss. well, thank you for a good night, would you like to come in? Um, no thanks, I'll just stay here! Then I noticed the name on the door said "MR K Perm" ok then, goodnight! yes.....good night! I had a lucky escape! *phew*

CC83: Kelly's Rejection by KajunFirefly 12-04-01

So, you don't think it'll work out then? YOU SET ME UP WITH A MAN!!! Ok, lets welcome our luvly lady, Kelly!! Hi Cassandra! Now Kelly, how did you think the date went? Well, when I first saw Spankling I was a little nervous, but I liked him. The date however...

[Click to view comic: 'CC83: Kelly's Rejection']
[Click to view comic: 'CC83: Kelly's Rejection']
[Click to view comic: 'CC83: Kelly's Rejection']
[Click to view comic: 'CC83: Kelly's Rejection']

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Dad was flammable

When your subtlety fails and intellect won't pull you through. . .

CC83: Witty banter loosens things up by boorite 12-04-01

So... what do you do for fun? I'm a humorist. Really? Cool. Let's hear some of your material. OK. You know how to really piss your wife off? After you finish fucking her, wipe your dick off on the curtains.

CC83: It rhymes with "wit" by boorite 12-04-01

OK, here's another one. Why does the Cookie Monster eat only cookies? Thank God, a Muppet joke. How bad could it be? I give up. Why does the Cookie Monster eat only cookies? Because he's a TWAT!

CC83: Sleeping derangements by boorite 12-04-01

It's pretty late. You can, um, sleep over. If you like. Thanks! I'll just grab a spot on the couch... No, silly! I meant in my room. Then where will you... oh, I get it. I guess this means I won't have to fuck your dog after all.

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What others say about boorite!

If Boorite doesn't win this contest, there is no God!

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Dad was flammable

CC83: Pin the tail on the girlfriend by TheElPaso 12-04-01

"Wow, thanks for offering to go out with me. Of course I'd like to date you! In fact, I think you're sexy. Please hurry and come here as_soon_as_possible." See, I told you she'd love you! Should I bring flowers? Oh sure, she loves flowers! Anything else I should know about her? Well, I did forget to tell you she's a donkey.

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

"I guess this means i dont have to fuck your dog".

Absoloute class.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Written before ElPaso's entry:

CC 83: they meet again by NeoVid 12-04-01

OK, the guy I've been set up with sounded like my type. I hope he doesn't turn out to be some kind of freak... Blind dates have always gone wrong for me, but this girl sounded pretty compatible. Hope she's hot... ...It's my brother, Pete. Wow, she is- wait a second...

CC 83: the next time by NeoVid 12-04-01

So he says, "What would you do if I hit you?" and I say, "Fall down and bleed..." For a second, I thought I'd like going to a comedy club on a date, but this geek just keeps blabbing about how much he got beat up in school. So after he slugged me, I bounced off the wall, then slid on my face across the schoolyard... OK, girl, just keep smiling and don't think about how your brother 's date must be like paradise compared to this. You want me to kiss you while you're in the donkey suit? ...I find myself strangely intrigued.

CC 83: the torment continues by NeoVid 12-04-01

So, uh... besides the donkey suit fetish, what do you do for fun? Mostly I go to therapy a lot. I think I'll be able to relate to that soon. What else? I've always been a big movie fan! I saw Saving Private Ryan the day it came out. Funniest movie I ever saw! What do you do? Well, I watch a lot of wrestling, and I like roleplaying gam- WHAT!? I can't believe I've been going out with such a freak!

CC 83: all over by NeoVid 12-04-01

I don't believe it... rejected by the woman in the donkey suit. ...Wait, I do believe it. So I'm unwanted by hot women, average women, ugly women, dumb women, fat women, and now weird women. *sigh* Great work with my lovelife, Satan. Thanks! I was wondering when you'd notice.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

All too real... It's an old comic of mine though.

A (Somewhat) True Story by descolada99 6-09-01

based on a true story... Suzie, I love you and we've been dating awhile I really want to get more intimate with you. Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual handjobs? I can justify that. Awhile later in the dating cycle... Suzie, I love you even more. I want to be even closer to you. Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual oral sex? I can justify that. Awhile later... Suzie, I'm madly in love you with. I want to make sweet love to you all night long while Barry White serades us on the stereo. Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual anal sex? It's not *really* sex.

And yet another story from the same old relationship...

More True Tales Of Sex by descolada99 6-11-01

Setting.. back of a car near a graveyard I can't beleive we're doing this here. I know your place and mine are occupied, but this is wierd. Shut up and get your head down there! A blue figure catches the corner of my eye, but she sees a BLUE HUMAN FIGURE STANGIND OUTSIDE MY CAR AND LOOKING IN Calm down Suzie.. calm down.. it couldn't have been a real ghost... NO it wasn't a sign for us to break up... stop crying! *sob sob*

The humor is in that they are true....

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

That first comic you posted was the reason I put you on my favorites list, desc. Unfortunately, I can't accept old strips as entries or you'd probably win with that.

I once dated a "Good Catholic Girl" with the sliding scale of premissible sexual acts. My favorite theory of her's was that it wasn't really sex if no kissing was involved.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

One night, down by the creek... by Drexle 12-05-01

The place was secluded... just off the road, and yet just out of sight. I wans't sure whether this place would be better for disposing of a corpse or for having a romantic interlude... So I did both. Grunt! Grunt! *Squish!* *Squoosh!*

No, the judge can't win his own contest, but dammit, when inspiration strikes, I just have to follow up on it.

By the way, great stuff everyone! I'll make my decision sometime in the early afternoon... get those last minute entries in while you can!

Well, it's time to pick a winner, and believe me it wasn't easy. I'll give a list of props first...

Dr. Kaufman, I've never seen Ruthless People but that was one fine series. "What are you reading?" "For a good time call..." Heh, lovely!

Spankling, incredible use of the infernal clip.

Big Evil Dan, Dr. Pedantic's date had me laughing for a good ten minutes... "But enough about my life. Let's talk about you. Here's a listing of all the flaws I've discovered about you this evening..."

LadyJ, wow that's both rather amazing and rather sad. And rather funny too, but man... O_O

kitty_kat, I have to admit being amused with "And then after tobor cornholes you, tobor will cornhole you!" line... it sounds so true to form.

kramer_vs_kramer, all of yours were hilarious, *especially* the one with the evil hand... Hey, STOP THAT!

Boorite, "Got that right. Hey, there's the doorbell now. All aboard for great head." Suck off every head, for great justice!

NeoVid, thank you for accurately portraying the dating cycle of the geek. It's always nice to see it well represented. *sigh.*

Well, that's it for the massive props... the winner would be...
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boorite!

CC83: That's pretty personal by boorite 12-04-01

What made you decide to answer this particular personal ad? Two words: "great head." Well, you're all about great head. Got that right. Hey, there's the doorbell now. All aboard for great head. . . .

I had a monster of a time picking a winner, and more than once I almost waffled and gave it to kramer_vs_kramer or big_evil_dan... but in the end, I was just a sucker for great head.

Thank you all for your participation

Wow, and when I blew a tire while merging onto the Washington Beltway this morning, I thought it was going to be a bad day.

Wirthling, thanks for your head.

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What others say about boorite!

Innuendo overload!

But I don't see any innuendo in that. Not at all.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Innuendo overload!

YES!

GREAT match!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet