"There's a Monster at the End of this Book" was one of my favorite children's books. Right up until the part where you finish it and you realize they were talking about you. I cried for weeks.

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In my book they were talking about Grover. I'm thinking your mom markered in "You're the monster!" just to fuck with your developing mind.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Probably. All I know is that it's been months since then and I still wet the bed.

CC135: The Grass Smokes You by itsclark 8-04-02

Are you crazy? That sign says "Keep off the grass"! But I'm late for my bridge club! What a rebel! He lived life on the edge, and paid the ultimate price. Just like James Dean or somethin'!

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

This one's for Nate:

CC 135: Cal Cut a Class by kaufman 8-04-02

The sign says this is an old Indian graveyard, and bad things will happen to anyone who disturbs it. I don't want to dig for treasure. I want to go home. Are you chicken or something? I'm staying. I'm not afraid of any big bad spirits! Who disturbed my place of rest? Prepare to passively resist my ectoplasm, you Anglo villain! Waaaaaah! The next morning Does anybody know why Calvin isn't in school today? I know, Miss Taylor. It's because he was getting buttraped by Gandhi's ghost all night.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Now you've *really* gone and done it.

Make him look that way that is.

CC 135: It's a plane, It's a bird, It's... no, It's a plain by Zegota 8-05-02

Read the T-shirt dude Is that warning enough for ya? BE-ATCH

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And you know what Hell is, folks. It's Andy Gibb, singing 'Shadowdancing' for aeons and aeons...

Unheeded Warnings by Scyess 8-05-02

Damn cops gotta park right outside the bar. Although this one seems to have gone away left the engine running. Five Hours and One Tank of Gas Later Perhaps you've never seen our "Don't Drink and Drive" ad campaign. It wasn't so much driving so much as grand theft auto. I only mention that because I notice you don't have a gun, and I do...

CC 135: Lever by Scyess 8-05-02

What's this sign on this robot? "Warning: DO NOT Toggle Lever More than 50 Times." hhmmm... No way do I believe you could get 12 handjobs in a week. No, it's easy! Just get some cardboard and a marker...

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"Old" is the old new.

Signs, signs, everwhere are signs by ObiJo 8-05-02

Where's my car? Bad news, Maura. It's wrecked. And I've got more bad news. Dear God, what? Your mom and dad were killed last night by a drunk driver. My parents! My wonderful parents! Where's my whiskey... WHO DRANK MY WHISKEY! Now pay attention - here's where I tie everything together.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

My first comics competition entry. I hope it is rules compliant. ENJOY!

Don't worry if you don't get it. It's not a recent movie.

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"Eat a fucking cock." - attitudechicka

... by ObiJo 8-05-02

There's a sign up ahead, sarge. What's it say? "Wars over. Vamanos!" Hernandez! I wanna go home!

I promised myself earlier today I wouldn't get back online till Friday so I could make some progress on my media hub.

Yeah. That went real well.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

... by ObiJo 8-05-02

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, I am a closet homosexual, and assign unsuspecting rookies to flag duty with me so I can plunder their sweet sweet ass. What would you say about that? I'd say, "Do you have the other half of this amulet!" You scare me sometimes, Hernandez. Ditto, sarge.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

The fan mail for Hernandez just keeps pouring in, so despite my artistic druthers, I've complied, completing the trilogy.

But no more! I mean it now!

... by ObiJo 8-05-02

Hernandez, you've really been making great progress. Thanks, General. I'm trying hard to become an efficient killing machine by overcoming the cowardice that permeates every cell of my being. I know you are, son. That's why this is so tough to say. Hernandez - we've traded you to the union. What! You traded me! For what? This flag. Ain't it perty? It's a looker, that one.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

CC 135: Liability classic by boorite 8-06-02

"WARNING: Use of this product will result in serious death or injury." Legalspeak!

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What others say about boorite!

CC 135: Vroom by boorite 8-06-02

GET OUT OF THE WAY, KID! AIIIEEEEE! I SAID GET OUT OF TH-- "SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING!" They weren't kidding!

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What others say about boorite!

CC 135: WARNING-- instructions enclosed by boorite 8-06-02

"WARNING! To take and put the earth wire not having a smart holding, a fatal eventuality may incur." Wait a second. Do you have to take AND put the earth wire for the fatal eventuality to incur? Yes, not having a smart holding. So I could take it OR put it WITHOUT a smart holding, or I could take it AND put it WITH a smart holding. Yes, OR you could accept the incurrence of a fatal eventuality. This is the last time I order a marsupial centrifuge from Ikea.

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What others say about boorite!

With all due respect to whoever the hell it was who wrote the original "fap fap fap" machine comic...

CC 135: Fucking Lawyers by Scyess 8-06-02

Hm... this plaque has really fine print. "WARNING: Do not operate device while drowsy or under the influence of alcohol. Do not use underwater. Do not slam door on fingers. Do not belch at dinner parties. Do not run with scissors. Do not get shit-faced and take home some diseased skank that you think looks like Milla Jovovich because you're so trashed. Gee, Doc, do you think all this is really necessary? What the heck does this device do? Actually, it just makes a "fap fap fap" sound, but the lawyers insisted.

CC 135: Next Time Follow the Instructions by Scyess 8-06-02

*squeak* He's so cute... I don't care if the sign said not to feed him after midnight; one piece of bread couldn't hurt. HAHAHAHA!!! You have released me from my prison in that squirrel body! I will now reward you with soul-rending demonic torture! Oh, God, NO! What will you do to me?! ...and I like to call this next little number "Moon River." And a-one, and a-two, and a-... My God... the horror...

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"Old" is the old new.

CC 135: 'Big Grab' not meant to suggest grabbing big things by boorite 8-06-02

Damn, even these Cool Ranch Doritos come with a warning label: "Do not..." "...under any circumstances..." "...eat."

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What others say about boorite!

CC 135: Don't forget the Apoco-Lips-Balm by boorite 8-06-02

Look! This shattered old sign still lights up! What's it say? "CAUTION: High UV index today." OH NO! AND ME WITHOUT MY SUNSCREEN!

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What others say about boorite!

Bravissimo!

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What others say about boorite!

CC 135: Tokyo driving lesson by boorite 8-06-02

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first..." "...but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor." OK. Alright passenger of foot! I have trumpeted you melodiously at first! Prepare to be tootled with vigor! Excuse me? * TOOTLE TOOTLE TOOTLE TOOTLE * Uh...

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What others say about boorite!

One Day in the Garden of Eden by kaufman 8-06-02

ENJOY YOURSELF, ADAM, BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL YOU EAT THESE APPLES, LEST YOU FALL ILL AND DIE. Yes, yes, I understand. No apples. No apples for me. Thank you for your offer, but I can't eat any of those apples. The big guy forbade it. Did he now? Oh well, I'll just go have a word with him. What's the big deal? He can lose a few pounds this way. Come off it, Atkins, he only weighs 135. I dare say it's far more unhealthy the way he thinks you're God!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 135: Tales of a smoke free park [1] by Little_Sqirrel 8-06-02

Hey Gabe, did you see that sign Mrs. Cunningham put up saying how this park will have a designated smoking area, and there's a fine if you smoke outside of it? Yep. Who does she think she is putting up a sign like that? The park owner. Shutup!

CC 135: Tales of a smoke free park [2] by Little_Sqirrel 8-06-02

so do we go to the smoking or non-smoking section? Well, if we go to the smoking section, I'm going to have to walk further to the pretzel cart. and there aren't as many chicks in the smoking section. but if we stay here, I can't smoke. Gabe, you don't smoke. oh yeah.

CC 135: Tales of a smoke free park [3] by Little_Sqirrel 8-06-02

What's the point of having a non-smoking section, the smoke is just blowing over here anyway. oh I see the problem, were in the smoking section. let's go back to non-smoking. damnit, I was just starting to enjoy the fresh air over here and you want to take me away? ok.

CC 135: Tales of a smoke free park [4] by Little_Sqirrel 8-06-02

ah, back in the non-smoking section. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I NEED A CIGARETTE! wow, that shit really is addictive. let's go back to the smoking section. I'm not going back, I'll get lung cancer. wait, that sign didn't say anything about marijuana! I can smoke it legally!

CC 135: Tales of a smoke free park [5] by Little_Sqirrel 8-06-02

this is some good shit. oh crap. you really just forgot that pot was illigal anyway? how the fuck do I know? I was high.

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I like big nuts and I can not lie!

Your mind is but a plaything to me, carby. by ObiJo 8-07-02

I'm guessing you were a child prodigy who adopted that self-image in your youth. You can't break a man's life down in a three-panel strip. And you use your intelligence to not only validate yourself, not only define yourself, but as your litmus test for deciding when to reward yourself a Skinnerian pat on the back. Chopping a dicing a person's psyche is a shaky proposition at best. But the frame of your self-portrait confines you! Your imagination is stifled! Your thinking - rigid! Wake up, man! The world is not flat! You suck.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

that's right by triplekungfu 8-04-02

you should come with a warning label, "Caution: Extremely Gay"

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yeah, you heard me

CC 135: To Baldly Go by kaufman 8-07-02

Space, the final frontier... "Don't fuck the green bitch." They gave me that warning in Academy, Starfleet included it in their orders, even Spock and McCoy told me not to. Well, I'm the Captain. It's ... my shore leave. And ... I am going to ... fuck the green bitch. What could happen? Captain, what happened to your hair? Stow it, Uhura.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Atkins isn't God. Kaufman is.

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What others say about boorite!