Imperfect Attendance by ragu4u 5-07-10

I love parent, teacher night. Don't you? Damn straight. Think any parents will show up this year? Ain't seen none so far.

When Strippers Invest by ragu4u 5-08-10

I lost my shirt when the DOW dropped 1000 points the other day. But how'd ya do financially?

La Cucaracha by ragu4u 5-08-10

This world is SO screwed up. I'm gonna trash it and start over from nothing. I said "nothing", damnit! "NOTHING!" "Is THAT the best you got"? Oh yeah...you tough little bastards never say die.

Now THAT Really Sucks! by ragu4u 5-08-10

Hello Mr. Pitt. Kelly Osbourn, where were you when I was making "Fight Club"? You'd have been a natural. You mean I would have gotten Helena Bonham Carter's part? Not exactly. I was gonna steal you from the liposuction clinic, instead of those awkward bags.

The Bottom Line by ragu4u 5-08-10

The bosses at BP said we're to lower you over the side with that Gizmo I put together. You betcha. I invented it to stop that leak down there. So how we gonna get you back up when yer done? I'll tug on the life line, stupid. You did remember the life line, right? It was designed out in the budget cruntch. Now who's stupid? I have no air in my air tanks either, do I?

Bitter Ben by ragu4u 5-08-10

I understand there will 40,000 sex workers in South Africa, come June. For the World Cup, is it? Yesiree. 40,000 individuals striving to make sex a pleasurable experience. You know what would be nice? What? If all women felt that way.

Justice Is Blind...And Stupid! by ragu4u 5-09-10

Seattle...May 2010 Get down on the ground! Huh? You get down or I'm gonna beat the fuckin Mexican out of you, Homey! Wha...? ...after further investigation Lithuanian, my ass! Take THAT! OUCH!! Hey dude..ya ever hear of a costume party?

My Brother's Keeper by ragu4u 5-09-10

Today is Mother's Day so don't fuck it up for me. What? No gift? Please don't yell at me, mama! You worthless little dirtbag. Why can't you be more like your twin brother? He knows what I need. Send him in here. You wanna see me ma? I got you somethin ya need. In a minute. I gotta kick yer lil brother's ass right now. Put my gift on the table.

The Mamas & The Papas by ragu4u 5-09-10

Are my comics really THAT bad, Father Joe? Obviously, ragu4u. They even locked you up on Mother's Day because of them. Mother's Day? Big deal. That shouldn't mean Jack Shit. Well, somebody thinks so. Ya had to go & turn our boy in to the "comic police"...and for what? Do you see ONE damn Mother's Day card around here? Well DO ya?

Got His Diploma From a Cereal Box by ragu4u 5-09-10

Do you know my dad is Tony the Tiger? So what do you want me to say? He's Grrrrrrrr8? Don't be condecending. Don't be what? You know. If I mail you a box of "Trojans" THEN I'll be condom sending.

Poor Taste by ragu4u 5-09-10

I'm sorry sir.... ...no hanging around the bar unless you purchase a drink. Then I'll have a sponge soaked in vinegar...neat, please. Excellent choice. Oh, sommelier!

Early Jihadism by ragu4u 5-09-10

We must put the infidels in their place. But how do we achieve this end? We need to send them a message they cannot ignore. I have it. I'll implement it immediately. The next day.... You failed, Ossama. I agree. Apparantly, the whoopie cushion does not invoke fear as it once did.

Rowdy Yates Sings by ragu4u 5-09-10

Rollin, rollin, rollin, keep that doggie rollin...keep that doggie roliin... ...RAWHIDE!

Christian Camp Talent Show by ragu4u 5-09-10

I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny... What the..? That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung... OMG! ...you wanna pull out your tough cause ya noticed that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked & I can't stop staring...BABY GOT BACK! We never should have invited ghetto kids.

Paybacks are......you know! by ragu4u 5-10-10

But he's not here. I don't care. I want to see the head man, and I want to see him NOW! I'll see what I can do. Sit in the lounge. You better not be dicking me around, Buckwheat! You wanted to see me? It was the "Buckwheat" remark....I just know it.

The "POWER" of the Supreme Court by ragu4u 5-10-10

Mr. President, why did you choose such a DYKE looking woman to run for the Supreme Court? So Kagan's kind of DYKE looking to you, eh Rahm? All she's missing is a pack of Lucky Strikes rolled up in her sleeve, sir. I guess she does look a bit rough. Chaz Bono looks a bit rough, sir. Kagan makes Jack Palance look like Miss America. I'll bet Kagan can do more one handed push ups than Palance can.

Religious Expression by ragu4u 5-10-10

Hey, you got a light? Sure. Here, catch! Ahhhh! Damnit! I shoulda saw that comin. Ya happy now?

What the World Is Coming To by ragu4u 5-11-10

What the hell have you been doing? I've just been reading my 3-D version of "Playboy Magazine". With a turkey strapped to your waste? I was out of chicken. Alrighty, then. Nosey bastard. I hope he needed to work on Saturdays.

CTC #3 by ragu4u 5-11-10

I'm reporting from the temple of "Gushing Blood" which is steeped in gory history. Oh! I almost forgot the best part. Every May 11th is human sacrifice day! How cool is THAT?

"Just a good ole boy...." by ragu4u 5-11-10

I'm here with Catherine Bach. Catherine, do you have any reason why.... ...you're husband, Peter Lopez, shot himself? Well, I was putting on my "Daisy Duke" short shorts from 25 years ago when... Well, that about explains it all. Some things are just too horrible to watch. Back to you, Shep!

Damn, Non-Union Actors by ragu4u 5-12-10

"CUT" Print it! That's a wrap! I said "CUT"! CUT damn it. Don't you know what CUT..... Me make "Director's Cut" ...ugh...

"You Got My Back?" by ragu4u 5-12-10

This is prison, boy. What are YOU smiling about? Maybe now I'll learn to play sports & games. Sports & games? Yeah. Don't you think I'd learn & be good at playing at least one game here? There's only one game you'll be playing, pal. Leap-frog! Do they really play that naked, here?

CTC #1 by ragu4u 5-12-10

I said I will have absolutley NO kinky or anal sex with you or any animals no matter how many times you ask! I turned off the office bugging device. So how about... Friday night? I'll bring the lube. Oh yeah, it's my birthday! Oh yeah, it's my birthday!

Too Much Elbow Grease by ragu4u 5-13-10

Have you noticed? One of Jupiter's rings is missing. This could be the beginning of the breakup of the entire universe! But In Reality..... I told ya to just buff it up a little..... ...not scrub the damn finish off!

Green Card? I Don't Need No Stinking Green Card! by ragu4u 5-13-10

Isn't it wonderful, sir? By the way, who did your dirty work in Hawaii? Wonderful? Dirty work? What do you mean, Rahm? Hawaii just passed a law that says they can't be forced to provide anyone your birth certificate. Why is THAT so wonderful? They've made you BULLET PROOF, sir. Bah! They can't give up something that doesn't exist.