Real Life: Staycation by four_legged_tripod 6-20-13

Dad, Bill's family is going all over the country this summer and doing cool stuff for their summer vacation. What are we going to do? One word: Staycation! What? It's like a vacation, but you stay home. I thought the point of a vacation was to get away from the home. And I used to think that getting married was a cheap way of getting laid every day, but then you and your sister came along so welcome to your Staycation sucker!

Real Life: Going Continental by four_legged_tripod 6-20-13

So on a Staycation we do things at home and just pretend we're doing them somewhere else. Yep. I've put up a tent in the yard so you and your sister can go camping. Are we allowed to build a fire to cook our food? No. There will be stale donuts, green bananas and cups of waffle mix that you'll use to make your own waffles for breakfast like at a hotel. This was mom's idea to get out of cooking again wasn't it? Now you're catching on!

Real Life: It's a Jungle Out There by four_legged_tripod 6-20-13

What do you have in that box? It's a snake I found on our Staycation safari exploration. Staycation safari exploration? We traveled though thick jungle and saw rabbits, mice, a turtle and a whole family of snakes. See? I told you it wasn't necessary to ever mow the back yard.

Real Life: Ships Ahoy by four_legged_tripod 6-20-13

You okay? You don't look so good. I feel sea sick after I took the Staycation cruise. What cruise? I took some reading material and hopped up on Mommy's water bed. She made the waves and I enjoyed the cruise. God, you're an animal today! Fuck me harder! Smack my ass with this Teen Bop magazine I just found!

Real Life: Arcade Fire by four_legged_tripod 6-20-13

This would be the time on a real vacation that I would ask you for arcade money because I'm bored. I can walk there. So can I get 20 bucks? Fine. Your sister already asked for some arcade money earlier. 20, 40, 60... Where did you get all that cash? I set up a Staycation arcade and charged the kids 20 bucks an hour to play their X-Box. Now I'm going Staycation shopping with Christine. That's it! Staycation's over!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Real Life: Origin Story by four_legged_tripod 6-25-13

Dad said you were really sick when you were pregnant with me. Oh, the morning sickness was the worst. I spent every day in front of the toilet puking and staring at the "Conner" logo on the underside of the toilet seat. Wait. Was I named after... Now settle down, Conner.

Real Life: Mourning Wood by four_legged_tripod 7-02-13

Hey man. Are you okay? I know it's none of my business but I thought I saw you crying. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. My grandfather just died and I was just thinking about how I always wanted to be like him. Aw. That's sweet. Let me give you a hug. Uh, okay. Did you just grab my ass when I hugged you? It's what grandpa would have done.

Real Life: W.A.S.P. Nest by four_legged_tripod 8-12-13

I just love outdoor weddings and this place is just so beautiful. But there are just so many wasps out here. Of course there are. It's a Country Club.

Real Life: Foreign Language by four_legged_tripod 9-25-13

Pardon my French but you're a #$%^ &*(^ who can go and #$%@ on my %$^*&^ you sack of %^&$#!!! Sorry kid. I really didn't mean for you to hear all of that. So first he's like "Mom, I learned French today!" and then he starts calling me a fucking cunt and tells me to suck his cock becuase I'm a piece of shit!

Real Life: Lickity Split by four_legged_tripod 10-07-13

Dad? The dog's in the living room licking his privates again. I wish I could do that. Uh... You should probably ask the dog's permission first.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Real Life: Forget-Me-Not by four_legged_tripod 10-07-13

So the trash man just left and it appears you did not pull the can to the curb again. Sorry. I forgot. I thought you were taking those memory supplements. Yeah, but I've only taken three. But you started them three months ago. I know. I keep forgetting to take them.

Real Life: iMakeup by four_legged_tripod 11-24-13

Why is the bathroom mirror covered in streaks and smudges? Mom was putting on her makeup. So? Well, ever since she got her new smart phone, she thinks everything is a touch screen.

Real Life: Give Thanks by four_legged_tripod 11-24-13

So what are you thankful for, dad? I'm thakful that your mother never found out about the $300 I blew at the strip club. Uh... She's right behind me, isn't she?

Real Life: Deck the Halls by four_legged_tripod 12-02-13

I've finally finished vacuuming up all of the tree needles from the artificial Christmas tree. You know what that means... It means it's time for me to get out the tree and put it up again for this year.

Real Life: Night Night by four_legged_tripod 12-19-13

Honey, I'm really tired. No talking, I just need to go to sleep. Sounds good. I'm exhasted. *click I mean I'm worn out. All day long I've done nothing but run around for other people. First it was Marcy who forgot to pick up the office suppiles down town and then the school called and I had to... I might as well get a drink of water. *click Will you turn off that light! I told you I was trying to sleep!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Real Life: Jingle Smells by four_legged_tripod 12-30-13

Why do I smell melted plastic? I may have burnt some Barbies. Do I dare ask why you torched your sister's Barbies? Because she didn't get what she wanted for Christmas. And commiting arson was the way to get her want she wanted? Well, yeah. She told me she really, really wanted a Ken Doll Fire.

Real Life: New Year's Eve by four_legged_tripod 1-02-14

Don't tell me you're pregnant! You just ate half a pizza, a whole cake and three pieces of pie. I'm not pregnant. I've made a resolution to eat less next year so I'm getting in a few extra bites now, before it starts. Really? Well you're a fat fucking cunt who doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs. And for that, I'm about to beat the living shit outta you! Whoa! Wait! Where is this coming from? I made a resolution to love you more next year.

Real Life: It's All in How You Say It by four_legged_tripod 2-27-14

Nnnnniiiiggg-rah. I think it's pronounced "Nigger." Oh. What? She was trying to pronounce "Niagara."

Real Life: To Tell the Truth by four_legged_tripod 3-26-14

You really should change. You don't look good in those slacks. Well, I don't look that great in my jeans, either. I NOTICED THAT YOU DIDN'T TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME!

Real Life: Money Mangement by four_legged_tripod 4-07-14

So I hear your wife is getting into that extreme couponing craze. Yeah, she's really good about not spending a whole lot of money. That's awesome, especially in this economy. Well, that and the fact that, I'm really good about not making a whole lot of money.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Real Life: Won't You Be My Neighbor by four_legged_tripod 5-21-14

The new lesbian couple across the street came over today. Really? They said you came over yesterday to welcome them to the neighborhood. I did. They brought you a Timex. Why would they do that? I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

Real Life: The Borrowers by four_legged_tripod 6-16-14

Hey neighbor, my weedeater is total crap. My wife told me to come and ask if I could borrow yours. Sure. No problem. 30 minutes later... Hey thanks man. You've made my wife very happy. Glad one of us could.

Real Life: Sara Lee by four_legged_tripod 6-26-14

Where have you been? I went to the doctor's. I have thrush. Isn't thrush a yeast infection on your tongue? Yep. Must be going around. My wife just got back from the doctor's and she too has a yeast infection. Oh, look at the time!

Real Life: Type Casting by four_legged_tripod 8-13-14

I find that I'm attracted to the same type of girls black guys are attracted to. So... white girls. Yep.

Real Life: What If... by four_legged_tripod 9-15-14

So how was the ComicCon? Weird. Why? I caught Captin America making out with princess Elsa from Frozen in the parking lot. So if they were to have a child, would their kid be... the Winter Soldier? This is why I don't take you anywhere.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Real Life: The Joys of Owning a Cat by four_legged_tripod 10-09-14

Hello! I want to be petted. Get over here and pet me. I'm right here. I know you can see me. Fine! Looks like I'm gonna have to come to you. I'll do it, but you'll pay for it! Oh, yeah! Pet me bitch! Seriously? Why do you always make me look at your asshole when I'm petting you?

Real Life: Spam-A-Lot by four_legged_tripod 10-27-14

Our email is full of porn spam. Any idea of why that is? Well, I did give Conner the password to the parental blocker. Are you stupid?! He's a horny 14 year old boy! He'd go straight to every dirty porno site there was! Change the password and I promise I'll never give it to him again. Dad? Mom's acting weird. She told me that she changed the computer passowrd and that you'd never give it to me again. But you never gave me the passowrd to start with. Here's 20 bucks. Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened.

Real Life: Alma Mater by four_legged_tripod 10-31-14

Didn't you graduate from that Quaker college? Yeah. I graduated from FUCK. What? Friends University of Central Kansas. Oh, FUCK!

Real Life: Money Can't Buy You... Well, Sometimes it Can by four_legged_tripod 11-14-14

So... does mom have any money? Were you not listening to me? You have to work for it. You have to know how to get what you want. Dad, I want to get into Sarah Allen's pants. I don't think 20 bucks is going to get you there.

Real Life: Like a Fine Wine by four_legged_tripod 1-27-15

Why on earth did you kick your grandfather in the crotch? I thought it would be funny. You need to learn that there is a level of respect you need to give to others. And you really need to respect your elders. Or at least his elderberries.