Floyd and Verna Jean by biped 8-15-10

Rent's due, bitch. Go down to the pool hall and flash your tits for cash. Fuck you! I'm a respectable wife and mother and shit! WELL, I DIDN'T SAY YOU HAD TO BE DISRESPECTFUL ABOUT IT!!! MY FUCKING TITS ARE FOR NURSING BABIES AND PLEASING MY MAN, DAMN IT!!! WELL THEY AIN'T PLEASIN' ME IF THEY AIN'T PAYIN' THE FUCKING RENT, BITCH!!! WELL WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SELLIN' CRACK, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!

Floyd and Verna Jean 2 by biped 8-15-10

See my wife's tits! Ten bucks a flash! Hey, wait a minute! You said you were gonna buy me a nacho platter! Look, I've already announced it! What are you tryin' to do, make me look bad? Well, at least buy me the fucking nacho platter first, you cheap prick! I CAN'T AFFORD A MOTHERFUCKING NACHO PLATTER, YOU DUMB CUNT!!! WELL YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME AND MY TITS TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING, FUCKHEAD!!!

Floyd and Verna Jean 3 by biped 8-15-10

How humiliating! A truly shameful display! I sincerely hope you're proud of yourself! You are without a doubt the world's most selfish and inconsiderate asshole! Well, whip out them saggy milk bags and start "pleasin' your man." Pfft! I should charge YOU ten bucks just to see 'em! JUST BE GLAD I DON'T CHARGE YOU FOR STUD SERVICE, YOU DOG-FACED WHORE!!! YOU COULDN'T SERVICE A FUCKIN' HAMSTER, YOU NEEDLE-DICK FAG WIPE!!!

"Christmas" Carol by biped 8-04-10

I just LOVE Christmas! All of my friends call me "Christmas" Carol, ha ha... Hmm. I take it your actual name, then, is "Carol." Uh-huh! And-- How boring.

"Christmas" Carol 2 by biped 8-05-10

My, "Christmas" Carol--you certainly have gone "all out" this year. I sure have, HA HA HA HA! I baked ten rum fruitcakes and a TON of Christmas cookies and I've been wrapping presents ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Boy oh boy, I sure love Christmas! Guess that's why they call me "Christmas" Carol, HA HA HA HA HA!!! "Deck the halls with boughs of..." Whew...what an asshole.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The New Happy-Time Crab Show '63 by biped 8-16-10

Howdy, kids! It's HAPPY TIME! YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!Oh hap-hap-happy day! Singin' our cares away! Takin' it, come what-- We interrupt "The New Happy-Time Crab Show" for this breaking news bulletin. President John F. Kennedy... has just been assassinated.

Nurse Bigguns' Sexual Harrassment Ordeal by biped 8-10-10

GUESS WHAT, MOMMY!!! TODAY A FUNNY MAN PAID ME $100 JUST TO PLAY WITH MY GIANT BOUNCY FUN BALLS, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, my...I'm afraid he may have been taking advantage of you, sweetie. HUH??? ME DID NOT KNOW THAT!!! NOW ME WILL HAVE TO KILL HIM!!! ME AM SO VERY VERY MAD NOW GRRRRRRRRR!!! Err, well...maybe it would be better just to tell a policeman. So, this guy "fondled" you, and you want to press charges? NO STUPID!!! ME HAVE ALREADY RIPPED HIM'S HEAD OFF AND GRINDED HIM UP IN A MEAT GRINDER!!! MOMMY SAID ME SHOULD TELL YOU DUH!!!

Police Car Priest by biped 8-16-10

But I wasn't "soliciting", officer! I was just--oh. You're a priest. That's right. I'm a priest...who drives a fuckin' police car. Awesome, huh? Yo, Police Car Priest. Can I have a ride in yo' police car? Oh, sure, kid...in the fuckin' trunk. Ha, ha. Now fuck off. Father O'Mallard just hasn't been the same since he started driving that police car. Nope. It has definitely fucked his "priest" shit up.

Politically Indirect by biped 8-20-10

Wow, this old road really needs to be re-tarred... I heard that, you insensitive bastard. You're under arrest. In this business, you have to keep abreast of current-- (gasp) The misogynist pig said "a breast." Good thing I have Gloria fucking Allred on speed dial. I don't get it. All I did was say the word "re-tarred." Oh? Well, my son happens to be "differently able", so fuck you, faggot.

Phone Splitter

I have the strangest feeling someone's watching me... I have the strangest feeling someone's thinking about me...

by biped, 8-25-10

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Super Teens by biped 8-25-10

This is a job for...SUPERBOY! This is a job for...SUPERGIRL! I'll just change into my...GAAAAA!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? I'm changing into my...EEEEEK!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? (gulp) I think she saw my wiener... (choke) I think I saw his wiener...

The Special Guest Speakers by biped 8-25-10

Don't worry, Mr. Upper Class! I, Mr. Stinkybutt, will lead you safely through Dinosaur Land! (buurrrp) (puff, puff) ...and they died. So, to sum it all up, stay the fuck out of Dinosaur Land. That's right, kids. Those crazy fuckers will eat or smoke anything.

Sally Says a Bad Word by biped 8-26-10

Mommy, Billy's acting retarded, and-- SALLY! That's not a very nice word to use! Now you just march to your room, young lady! I'm surprised at Sally. She was tattling on Billy just now, and-- Oh, for fuck's sake, what's that goofy little retard done this time? Gah-gah...buh... mmppllff...(drool) Sorry, Billy. Mommy wouldn't let me call Poison Control.

"NON-STROTHER MARTIN COMICS" not starring: Strother Martin by biped 7-31-10

BOCK...BOCK... BAAAWWK!!! BWAAAAWWK!!! BUH-GEEEEEEK!!! I knew I should've paid the extra money for a human brain transplant instead of a chicken brain transplant. Daddy, Mommy's in the front yard digging up worms and eating them. Well, pumpkin, we can't all have totally normal Mommies, now, can we? BOCK...BOCK... BWAAAWK... DAAAAAAAAAD!!!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Dung Fu by biped 11-10-11

When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to lea-- GOT IT! Ha ha! Hey, wait a minute--I don't know SHIT!!!

Edna in: "Heads Up" by biped 11-10-11

I'd like to serve my family something different and, err... well... (ahem) "exotic" for dinner tonight. What would you recommend? How about fricasseed dog heads? What's wrong, Mommy? I'll tell you what's wrong. Fricasseed dog heads, that's what's wrong.

The New Happy-Time Crab Show by biped 11-04-11

Howdy, kids! It's HAPPY TIME! YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!Oh hap-hap-happy day! Singin' our cares away! Takin' it, come what-- Oh, pardon me, I was looking for the cooking show. The Cheerful Chef's making crab legs today. Oh well...I'll just follow the sound of the dying, screaming crabs.

The New Happy-Time Crab Show 2 by biped 11-04-11

Uhh...err...well, anyway... it's Happy Time, kids, and-- We interrupt "The Happy-Time Crab Show" for a special news bulletin. Beloved social activist and former "mop-top" John Lennon...is dead.

The New, Improved Happy-Time Crab Show by biped 11-10-11

In order to boost your sagging ratings, we're adding a "pirate" character to your show. Kids love pirates. Howdy kids, it's HAPPY TIME!!! YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!! Oh, hap-hap-happy day! Singin' our cares away! Takin' it, come what-- SLAUGHTER THE MEN! RAPE THE WOMEN! EAT THE BABIES ALIVE!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Ironic by biped 11-08-11

You over tha hill. Step into my ho-regeneration machine. Bitch better come out lookin' all fine azz an' shit. What tha--Brad Schwartz?!?

Brad Schwartz in: "Mistaken by Surprise" by biped 11-08-11

Bitch, you need to get back to yo' post on tha corner of 53th and MLK. I beg your pardon? Look, just because you my prized ho don't mean you can get away wit shit. SIR, MY NAME IS BRAD SCHWARTZ. NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME-- You are absolutely, positively not going to believe this one. Willie the Pimp just mistook me for his "prized ho." You mean you're NOT Willie the Pimp's "prized ho"? I guess that means I'm not really a lesbian.

Sally Meets Mr. Birdy 2 by biped 11-04-11

Oh goody! It's Mr. Birdy, the talking fire safety bird! SQUAWK! Hello, little girl! Don't play with matches! Because as we all know, fire safety is a vital concern for every boy and-- Jerry, I found a marijuana "cigarette" in your sock drawer. We need to discuss your drug problem. Hey, go fuck yourself, bitch. When I want to hear from you, I'll shove my foot up your fuckin' ass.

Muffin' It by biped 11-01-11

Magic fishbowl...on Granny's head... speak to me...from the land of the dead! Debbie...Deb-bieeee...the spirits of the dead wish for you to make...MUFFINS! But I don't know how to make muffins... Then you should try MUFF-QUIK! Muffin mix so easy to use, even a TOTAL FUCKHEAD LIKE YOU can whip up delicious muffins! Did...did the spirits of the dead like the muffins, magic fishbowl? No, Debbie. They tasted like they were made from some crappy muffin mix.

The Chicken Terrorist by biped 10-30-11

I vass gonna cook dat shick-hun...ehh, fer Mr. Pacino's dinner tonight. You mean I'm boning Al Pacino's chicken? Wow. He sure did, by yiminy. He...you know...to Mr. Pacino's shick-hun. And den, he...he brag about it. Whoa. Doing it's bad enough, but bragging about it... that shows willful premeditation. Don't worry, I've already "chickened" Pacino. He's clear. Whew, I'm sure dat gonna make him feel better, by golly.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Day the World Was Supposed to End by biped 10-22-11

Say, isn't this the day that some nut said was going to be the end of the world? Ha ha, guess he was wrong. No, no...this isn't supposed to be "End of the World" Day. It's "Everybody in the World Turns Into a Hermit Crab" Day. "Tyson sidles in for the uppercut..."

Forrest Squirrel by biped 10-30-11

They wuz mah magic shoes. Mama said they'd take me ENNY-WAY-UH! But Bubba nevah did get ta go home. Instead, he died raht theh by that rivah in Viet Nam. You mean...his daddy's name is Foh-rest, too? Yoah his daddy, Foh-rest.

Zippy by biped 10-29-11

Did you read today's "Zippy the Pinhead" comic? No. What happened? Zippy totally misunderstood -- Yeah yeah, okay, that's enough. Ha ha, that Zippy.

Brad Schwartz in: "Mistakenly Identified Again" by biped 10-27-11

Say--aren't you Jeff from "Pink Lady & Jeff"? (sigh) No sir, I most definitely am not. My name is Brad, Brad Schwartz. Hmmff. I guess you WOULD deny it, seein' as I caught you without your "white man" makeup and all. WHAT? I'm sorry, but you are seriously mistaken--SIR! Unbelievable. Some old guy on the street just mistook me for Jeff from "Pink Lady & Jeff." You mean you're NOT Jeff from "Pink Lady & Jeff"? I guess this means Junior and I aren't Japanese, either.

Sally in TV Land 5 by biped 10-24-11

Hey, sis! "Ultimate Fighting" is on! Ehh. That show doesn't do it for me anymore. Ed, I don't think we should let the kids watch-- KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! Ha ha, this is the best fuckity fucking show evah. Sorry kid, you can't place bets after the bumfight has started.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Pullin' a Boner by biped 10-22-11

Okay, that about concludes the job interview. Any other noteworthy qualifications you'd like to mention? Well...I can play my dick like a trombone. Did you remember to tell him that you can play your dick like a trombone? Yes, Dad.

Spectre of the Gorn by biped 10-22-11

Anybody seen my Gorn cannon? The one I hastily constructed out of makeshift-- I instructed housekeeping to dispose of it. I didn't think you'd mind. WHAT! But that was a priceless souvenir of when I killed that Gorn! It was an eyesore, and your emotional attachment to it was illogical. Has anyone seen the irreplaceable Vulcan Science Award For Extreme Excellence that I-- I HAD IT DISPOSED OF IT WAS AN EYESORE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!