Huh. It's been ages since I posted here. Isn't that special?

Diary of a Chronically Chronicled Diary: The Movie! by brycekain 5-23-12

Up next: "Vampire Diaries" followed by "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" at 7 and then exclusive sneak previews of "Chernobyl Diaries." Then at 9 it's "Bridgette Jones Diary" followed by "Diary of the Dead" and "Diary of a Mad Black Woman." I think they've run out of movies to put the word "diary" in. Coming up tomorrow: "Chronicles of Riddick" followed by "The Spiderwick Chronicles", "The Chronicles of Narnia", then a special sneak preview of the movie "Chronicle!" Where's my gun?

It's an R-Tard Romance by brycekain 6-20-12

I hate when chicks nag me. Chicks always nag me. I say the dumb asses can open their own doors and pay for their own dinners, dammit. Oh you sweet, sweet man. I can change you. I know I can... And you know what I hate? Chick flicks and chick TV. Like Sex and the City. And Hope Floats. And Lipstick Jungle. That shit SUUUUUUUCKS! It will take some time and hard work. But I know, deep inside, I can turn this beautiful sweet man into my beloved Prince Charming... Oh, and I hate Twilight. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE!

Neighborly Advice by brycekain 7-21-12

The upstairs neighbors are driving me NUTS. Their kids are up at all hours of the night, running around, and the parents won't do shit about it. What to do, what to do...? You could knock them all out with chlorophorm, grind them up into hamburgers, serve them at a local PTA meeting, and dissolve the rest in a bathtub filled with acid and maggots... um... or I could file a formal complaint to the landlord...? Well, yeah. That could work, too, I guess. Are you on your fucking period?

If I Were a Stand-Up Comedian by brycekain 7-24-12

How I think I would be... YOU SUCK!  :(  How others think I'd be... YOU SUCK! I get paid to suck. Unlike your mother who swallows junkie semen behind the 7-11 for food stamps. What would probably happen... You mother FUCKER! Security!

The Opposite of Progress is Homophobia by brycekain 8-04-12

Ya know what's weird? I just found out that you could fire me in this state if you thought I was gay. Isn't that weird? ARE you gay? Do you want me to be?

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.

 

WW 79: Things Just Got Real by brycekain 8-04-12

I'm here with the man who has done the unthinkable. Tell me something, sir... You climbed into your sister's vagina, tore out her inbred fetus, cooked it with mayonnaise, and flung it across the English Channel in under 46 seconds. How do you feel about winning the gold in this Olympic event? I thought I was on Fear Factor.

Bob Goldstein: Office Bad Ass by brycekain 8-07-12

Wow, Chuck Norris. You have not aged well at all. My name is not Chuck Norris. It's Bob. I'm the new guy. Whatever, Chuck Norris. Why don't you show me some of your kung fu jujitsu moves? Done. What the fuck just happened? I'm also the manager of this joint. I just JEW-jitsu'd your ass out of a job.

Bob Goldstein: Office Bad Ass 2 by brycekain 8-08-12

I'm not paying you to stand around. Get back to work! You don't pay me at all. I collect the souls of the soon to be departed. Sorry, bub. I sold my soul to Trump five years ago. Wait, aren't you that guy who taught Darth Vader how to bang wookies with an imaginary penis? Since you're such a mouthy son of a bitch, close your eyes and pretend you're a german prostitute. A german what...? GAWWWK!!!

 

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...and if you liked that one, here's a link to my other stupid shit.