Be nice out there by Spankling 10-03-03

C'mon baby! I've blown my weeks pay on you and I haven't even gotten a hand-job for it! I really don't feel like it tonight. Maybe some other time... *sniff* If I don't cum soon I'm gonna explode! *sigh* Fine. Follow me. You got no ass! I'm gonna go down on him and bite his little pecker off.

Boo! by Spankling 10-03-03

The party is in 10 minutes! Where is your costume? This is it. That's it? What's the joke? No joke. I just feel like getting laid tonight. Either put on a costum or I'll have you riding this broom! Is the handle well sanded?

Please pile them on.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I realized later she didn't actually have to be in her underwar for the first comic. Oh, well. Whatever inspires the funny, I guess.

Phone Conversaion by Scyess 10-02-03

Jon's nice to let me stay here and all, but he's kind of wierd. How so? Well, I'm sort of nervous getting dressed, in case he's secretly looking or something. Is that all? You're just getting used to the new place. Also, all his phones are cordless rotary speakerphones the size of a small refrigerator. Ouch. It's because I only have eight digits, isn't it?

Extended Phone Conversation by Scyess 10-02-03

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't even notice you were missing two digits. Bah! You humans, with your twos and nines. You're all alike! I said I was sorry. I'm afraid nothing could possibly console me besides removing the rest of your clothing. ...and that's when the cordless rotary 8-digit speakerphone went into the fireplace. It's because my table only has three legs, isn't it?

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"Old" is the old new.

I was apparently possessed by the ghost of Piers Anthony:

Thriller (part 1) by kaufman 10-07-03

One evening in Metropolis ... Oh my god! Michael Jackson just dropped my baby out of my 72nd floor apartment! I'll do ANYTHING to have Superman rescue him before he hits the ground! Anything? Tell you what, ma'am, I'll give you a chance. Come down to my office - you'll see Superman and two fakes. You may ask all three one question, and then guess the real one. If you're right, the kid's rescued. Wrong and he dies and I get your soul. Deal!

X Marks the Spot! by kaufman 10-07-03

All right. Superman number 1, tell me, what am I wearing? You're wearing a hooded red sweatshirt and bleached beige jeans. You're wearing that outfit Old Navy was advertising incessantly last month. Thank you, Superman number 2. And number 3, same question. A white bra and red cotton hip-high panties. HE'S THE ONE!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Meeting new people while being drunk... by mmyers 10-03-03

At the club... Damn girl, you're hot as shit! I wanna take you home and get freaky with you! Are you sure you're man enough? Maybe we should go back to your place and find out! Yeah girl, you better stop and get throat lozenges because you are going to be screaming my name, yo! Well, you better spray non-stick Pam on your sheets because I'm going to ride you raw! Then you get home just in time to sober up. Did you always have freckles? Because I'm not so 'into' the freckle look. Well...this is awkward. Um, where's your bathroom at?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.