Hi folks. I still can't believe that the painful uterus comic impressed a male judge. Anyway, the rules:

1. Sing the praises of Beef Jerky.
2. One of the characters has to speak with a speech impediment of some kind.
3. Be funny.

Multiple entries are acceptable, but if there are too many not-so-hilarious ones from one person, my overall impression of all of that person's comics will drop.

Judging will be uhhhh, Wednesday night at some point.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

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2. One of the characters has to speak with a speech impediment of some kind.

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CC 47: Bribery is a forgotten art... by Haights 7-22-01

We really like jeef berky, we rink that it's thall ight... Jom Flim Srim to Oberto, we bove to take a lite. Balted seef's so theat grat we don't know bere to whegin... ...but we'll tive a gon to Jady Lay if she'll just let us win.

I guess I could have brought back Boonerism Spird, but there were two of them, and only one blue flamingo. *shrug*

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"I'm gonna give you cancer." "...what are you, a cellphone?"

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Does "speach impediment" include weird slang, like ghetto speak, or "nadsat" slang from A Clockwork Orange?

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Jerky Boys are Fags by NastyPope 7-22-01

L-L-Little B-B-Beatnik L-L-Little B-B-Beatnik L-L-Let m-m-me in. I smell j-j-jerky of b-b-beef r-r-residing therein. No way Kool Kat whose teeth are so big, try brushing those canines and floss with a twig. L-L-Little B-B-Beatnik L-L-Little B-B-Beatnik you m-m-maloderous clown. G-G-Give m-m-me the j-j-jerky I c-c-crave or I'll b-b-blow your p-p-pad down. No way daddy-o, puff away if you must, It's not that I dislike you it's a matter of trust. Allright L-L-Little B-B-Beatnik I've had it, you've w-w-won, M-M-My stutter is w-w-worse and this m-m-mask ways a t-t-ton. What the heck, come inside, here's some jerky on which to nip, your face may be horrid but your peech inspediment's a trip.

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At least im still funny .....looking. http://www.carrionfields.com

Damn! Not first! But let's just see crabby be worst this time!

Pete wants a cowboy by Spankling 7-22-01

Well, hellllo cowboy! Ith that beff jerky in your pantth, or are you jutht happy to thee me? *wink* Pardon? I thead, o/` Thlip me thome beef, jerky! Thlip me thome beef o/` *wink* * wink* Is that some Merle Hagert song? Cuz I don't know much-a his stuff... Honey, anyone who can wear groinleth, buttleth pantth doethn't have to know anything! *wink* There called chaps, fella. An' I think I'll just be goin' now. MOMMY!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Whoops...beer jerky...hey, that's even better....

Never Leave Home Without It by Dr._Light 7-22-01

Thwack ihwa woon giuya fruol! Um...hey Neal, what the fuck did that guy just say? I'll check my Low Pass Generic Ununderstandable Language Translator. Well....? He either said something about beer jerky, or something relating to his ownership of your base.

This won't win...

CC 47: This won't win by Drexle 7-23-01

Dr. Pedantic! TOBOR is out of control!!! He's gone on a rampant sodomy spree, and nobody can understand what he's saying!!! Thank you ever so much for your astute obeservations regarding the readily appearant, Captain Obvioius... Oscar... I I've devised a plan... Everyone loves the food product called "Beef Jerky..." I need you to slip this special "Saltpeter Jerky" to TOBOR. I assure you that you'll be in no danger. Wow, Dr. Pedantic! That's a great idea! And I'm sure I'd be the perfect bait, because it's been a while since TOBOR molested me! You can count on me, Dr.! Hi there TOBOR! In the spirit of good will, I'd like to give you this Beef Jerky! Everyone loves beef jerkey! R--------RRR!!! BZZZZT!!! T-B-R D--S N-T C-MP-T-!!! M-ST H-V- M-NR-P-!!! - L-V- J-RK_Y!!! J-RK-YR-AP-!!!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

So is it the Spicy or Smoky Style? by Spankling 7-23-01

uh.... Rog... What the living FUCK are you doing!? *uh* *mmm* I-I-I-I I'm m-m-making beef jer-jer-jer-jerky. *uh* *umph* Beef Jerky? You half-wit, stuttering pud-spanker! Jerking your beef is not the same as beef jerky! Now knock it off! *uh* That's what y-you say m-miss Z-z-zoe. But I got a stick of hard m-meat right here that's s-salty, j-juicy, and will last a l-l-long time in your m-m-m-m-mouth! Great. Now you got me all hungery. All right, hand it over. Sh-sh-sure, M-miss Z-z-z-zoe. J-j-just d-d-don't get all s-s-sloppy this time. Remember to sw-sw-sw-sw-swa-swa-sw-swa

I'm running the risk of annoying the godess with too many un-funny entries here.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC47: [Insert hilarious title here] by DexX 7-23-01

Something better than beef jerky? I don't believe you. It's twue! Have a wook at dis... imported fwom Austwawia, kangawoo jerky! Wow on fat, wow on chowestewow... Blecchhh, no way... I'm going to chew on some good old classic beef jerky... Wait! Don't go! How about some turkey jerky! Comes in wight meat and dark meat vawieties! I have some camel jerky! Tastes gweat, but makes you firsty... Come back! What about hippo jerky? I have a whole cwate of ewephant jerky... Did you say "elephant jerky"? I can feel some Elmer Fudd jerky coming on...

I tried to make it clear the elephant is about to stomp Jon into jerky, but I couldn't work it into the punchline without making it clumsy. *sigh* Comedy is an art, and I am finger-painter...

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Snap into a Slim DICK Jim by boorite 7-23-01

Hey BITCH-ASS Neal, whatcha FUCK eatin'? Hi, Tourette's Timmy. It's turkey jerky. Turkey jerky? What kind of FAGGOT COCKSUCKER eats turkey SHIT jerky when he could GODDAMMIT have beef? Wait... is that the Tourette's talking? Nope. BLOWJOB.

I wasn't sure Tourette's was classified as a "speech impediment," so I looked it up.

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What others say about boorite!

Spankling wins. :)

You don't get no vote, ex-winner-boy. You're Finnished around here.

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What others say about boorite!

It is tough giving up that grand power, eh?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Aw, shit. I didn't see that DeXxX had already broached the turkey jerky vs. beef jerky debate. YOU WIN THIS TIME, YOU BASTARD.

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What others say about boorite!

You don't get no vote, ex-winner-boy. You're Finnished around here.

You're just bitter that you didn't win the last one.

But the Tourette's idea was pure Guiness (stout, that is).

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Yeah... I'll be having flashbacks for days.

It's not particularly funny, but I wanted to try out the new art...

CC47: Lousy excuse to use the new art... by wirthling 7-23-01

Helloooo, fair neighbors! Captain Low Pass is here to spread the good word and free samples of beef jerky! Anyone home? Hey there, little superhero dude! Wait here a sec and I'll get my wife. I think she likes beef jerky.. Splendid! Drofp fthe beefff jerfky and fyour pantfs, fpal, and nobody getfs hurtf. Exfcefpt for fyou probfabfly. Oops. Sorry. Outta free samples. Gotta go.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Holly shyte! I didn't even notice it!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

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You're just bitter that you didn't win the last one.

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You're just bitter that you didn't win the last one.

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Yeah, the deal was I give it to you, and then you give it back to me, and so on.

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Not a contest entry - just another excuse to use a new character...

Dude Duet by wirthling 7-23-01

Hey, dude. Can ya spare some kind bud? Who the hell are you?! I'm the resident stoner around here. Low Pass ain't big enough for the both of us! Whoa. Why ya gotta be trippin', bro? It's all good! This guy's more of a stoner than me! What am I gonna do?! Hmmm... So, ya got any weed or what, dude? Nah, but go see the big red dude named Tobor. He'll share a fattie with ya, fill your bowl, and then some, dude!

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Tourette's was a cool idea but it is not a speech impediment. You can understand someone with tourette's all too well.

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At least im still funny .....looking. http://www.carrionfields.com