A woman I once worked with (swedish-american, 6'2", curvy, leggy, intelligent, former major in the air force, 29 years old... but I digress) sent these to me today:
What Men Want
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Vitamin fortified cigars.
Public beer fountains.
Kitty catapults.
All day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters.
Wet T-shirt Fridays.
Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors.
Rocket boots.
Machine gun camp.
NASA space shuttle races.
Sledgehammer boxing.
Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments.
Congressional pie fights.
Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Tomahawk missile surfboards.
Hot tub jury boxes.
Nacho cheese lipstick.
Personal midget-ninja chauffeurs.
New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts.
24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with nacho cheese lipstick stains on your collar.
More beer. More cheese. More sex.
Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used.
Inflatable sex dolls that cook.
Beef jerky business cards.
Combination briefcase/pizza oven.
National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day.
Robot gloves for crushing kegs of beer.
Karaoke "ejector" stages.
Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN.
The Astronaut Reserves.
Porno without all the "talking" filler.
Head banging elevated to "fine art".
All money spent on women tax deductible!
Free BBQ buffet at the DMV.
Passports to Margaritaville.
The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot.
One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
At least one GOOD Flaubert translation, but will settle for Proust.
Lips
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger."
"Howdy, Sheriff"
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." Was the reply.
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet
