Doiliverance, part 1 by kaufman 9-30-04

Martha Stewart begins her prison sentence, but she has a plan. Making a candelabra out of a smuggled pack of cigarettes and using a can of sterno from the cafeteria and origami-wadded toilet paper, she creates an icosaflamethrower and blows her way to freedom. But Martha Stewart failed to consider that she was being incarcerated in West Virginia. Artist's rendition of her cell after the escape Stupid Producer, blowing the whole special effects budget on panel 2.

Doiliverance, part 2 by kaufman 9-30-04

After walking for hours, the escaped Martha Stweart finally comes upon civilization. o/`Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum-doing... Is that an out-of-tune banjo I hear? Those strings are shot, but we can use them to hoist your instrument to the ceiling, where it will make a tasteful chandelier. And then we'll attach this spittoon to it, and poke some holes into the fingerboard, so it will mist down the incoming saliva. Cool. I always wanted a drooling banjo.

Doiliverance, part 3 by kaufman 9-30-04

Attracted to a country home by a smell resembling home-baked bread, the escaped Martha Stewart dares to knock on the door. Knock, knock. I couldn't help but notice the smell coming from here of bread baking, with a squashy glaze. Is that some local bread? I must have the recipe. You must be mistaken, miss. The only kind of bread we have here is in-bread! But that tangy smell, I'd know it anywhere. Pumpkin! Well, yes, I do it regularly, but I don' reckon you'd call the smell tangy.

Doiliverance, part 4 by kaufman 9-30-04

Well, lookie what we have here. Ain't you got purty little lips? Thank you, they're colored with lipstick pigmented from two parts beef gravy, one part potpourri, four parts goat blood, and one part Kool-Ade. Well, little lady, I want you squeal like ... wait a minute, potpourri? Beef gravy? You're Martha Stewart, aren'tcha? Well, uh, yes I am. Then squeal like a papier mache porcine centerpiece, decorated with pink-dyed pencil shavings, and with the eyes made from bing cherries ... I think I'm in love.

Doiliverance, part 5 by kaufman 9-30-04

Finding that she had more in common with this place, Martha Stewart eschewed Westport in favor of West Virginia. I ain't seen one of those before. You're telling me. A three-story doghouse made from gravel and sunflower seeds. No one ever suspected a thing. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's a perfect miniature rendition of Mad King Ludwig's Neuschwanstein Castle! Come on guys, we still need to look for our escapee, though I reckon she's already hightailed it back to Connecticut. The end.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Good comics. Martha Stewart must have been hanging out with MacGuyver before she became a Doyenne.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.