I'm fascinated by what makes folks tick. Particularly, what people have nightmares about. Everyone has them and I'm sure that whatever deep seeded crap we have bouncing around our brains manifests in there. So that's the topic.

Your mission is to show what someone inparticular's nightmares look like. What does Ken Kaufman have nightmares about? Or the postman? Or aliens invading the Earth? Or you? Or even me, the lowly filing clerk? The possibilities are plentiful.

I'll give it a week, let's say. I'd prefer new comics, but if you're going to submit an old one, make it a hilarious one. Series are fine.

Let's have some nightmares.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

How 'bout a nice game of Kerplunk? by choadwarrior 5-10-03

I had the weirdest dream last night... I was wearing a suit made of lunch meat, and Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Star Jones and Rosanne were standing around me... It was like I was the marble in Hungry Hungry Hippo

Quick? What's the archetypical nightmare? Aside from realizing today's the final exam for a class you forgot to attend all semester?

That's right!

CC 265: Shall We Begin With The Obvious by kaufman 11-12-04

The bus is late again. So by increasing capitalization in the third quarter, we can hope that this will result in ... You want a #4 value meal. Would you like that supersized? Why is she looking at me like that? Oh my god, I forgot to put my pants on today!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Jenna Jameson's Nightmare Before Copulation by niteowl 11-12-04

I had the worst nightmare last night, I was supposed to do a scene in a suit of armor... HELP ME! I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS SUIT! HELLLLPPPPP! CUT! Jenna, calm down. Could someone get the can opener? Be careful cutting her out around her boobs though, we don't want to pop one. I mean, how am I supposed to do my double penetration scene by the ocean dressed like that? And with that helmet on, I couldn't even go down on anyone! Oh my God, it was horrible! Hey boss...we should put the ball gag, chains, and the chastity belt away. I doubt Jenna's gonna want to do THAT scene today.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Oh, My by AccentuateNegative 11-12-04

Vat zeems to be zee problem? I keep having the same nightmare over and over again. Und vat is dees nachtmare? I'm getting mauled by a bear. Perhaps you should stop going to zee leather bars.

quote:

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Quick? What's the archetypical nightmare? Aside from realizing today's the final exam for a class you forgot to attend all semester?

That's right!

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Dubya's Nightmare by niteowl 11-12-04

AAAAGGGHHH! George, honey...what is it? Are you ok? Yeah Laura, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was... ...that you were a gay actor in a Broadway musical, prancing around and singing? Yep. 3rd time this week I've had that dream. I'm guessing you need to prove to me you're a man again...let me get undressed.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

CC 265: Fuckin' Nightmares! by BigFrank105 11-12-04

I M GOIN 2 RAPP YOU!!!1!!1! Oh no! Aghh!11!!! Wut a horribul nitemare!!1!11

In response to niteowl's comic:

CC265: Whose Nightmare? by quodlibet 11-12-04

AAAAAARGH! Georgie! Is that you? Am I awake or dreaming? Laura, you're safe in bed with George Bush, and I'm your president and your loving fundamentalist Christian husband. Oh my! I thought I was sleeping with Bill Clinton. Heh heh heh, well, Laura, you don't need to worry about that philandering Antichrist. Oh. I think I was screaming from multiple orgasms from the cigar. Not that I'm complaining about YOUR missile defence system.

In response to Kaufman's comic:

CC265: Let us continue with the blatantly obvious by quodlibet 11-12-04

Only you stand between Earth's survival and destruction in the Ultimate Punning Competition, Kaufman. I will not fail my fellow right-minded citizens. Never! My punning power has never been rivalled! Then generate one of these puns for me, Kaufman. I will leave if you can make me laugh. Why...I...um.... YOU LOSE!!!!! Let the liberal slaughter begin!!!!! Nooooooooo.....

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Ha, ha! I forgot to post my second entry for the last CC, but now I see that it works for this one as well. Ignore the numbering...

CC CCLIVb: Nightmare Exam Board by habnem 11-11-04

Dean Trout... How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a tree fell in the forest? Professor Donkey... Have you seen my dentures? ...and, of course, Dr. Sticks-His-Dick- In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking- In-The-Other-Direction. Oh my! I seem to have dropped my calculator! Running start in 3...2...1...

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

CC265: Stereotypical Asiangirl Nightmares by quodlibet 11-12-04

Sucky sucky? No sucky sucky? No money for more math kumon classes?!?!?! Boohoo hooo...

And a frothy series on what my alma mater called BEvERages:

CC265: A Beery Bad Situation by quodlibet 11-12-04

Hand over another one of those beers, Zegota. We're out of beer. That's the last box the store had. I guess I'll have to sell my shirt and everything underneath it to fuel my booze addiction. There must be a way to obtain more beer.

CC265: "It's suds and soda, a smile decoder" by quodlibet 11-12-04

Well, thank goodness we managed to scrape together enough money between my tricks and... whatever it is that you do. How's the beer? Pffffffffft! What kind of beer is this, anyways? It tastes like dog piss. Warm dog piss. Nobody fools with my beer. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to our suffering protagonists.... And when he's finished, strain it through some high-quality chickenshit before it's bottled. It gives that nice frothy head when you spew the bottle.

CC265: Then came the scream by quodlibet 11-12-04

Our unhappy hero visits the doctor for advice. You've developed a severe allergy to beer. Budweiser up! Get off your Duff and Leffe behind your lambic lifestyle before you Rodenbach it. Well, you're the draughter. What do I have to do? Stout man! Coors off on the beer. Amstel, you'll have to Corona your habit of pantlessness. I can't say that I'll Jupiler for joy, but keep gueuzing. I'd start by wearing a grass skirt and coconut-shell bra if you can't curtail the pantlessness. Heineken be all right with that.

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I actually have an old series that sorta fits with this theme, so I thought I'd post it.

Nightmares Of A Frito-Pie Fiend -- 1 by biped 6-15-04

Gee, I sure hope I don't have another one of those awful nightmares tonight. Wha -- oh, no! A nightmare! I sure hope nothing scary happens! Son, your mother and I are concerned about your abnormally frequent masturbation, so we're sending you to military school. YAAAAA!!!!!!

Nightmares Of A Frito-Pie Fiend -- 2 by biped 6-15-04

Huh? Now I'm in the middle of the ocean! Oh well, I guess nothing scary can happen here... OH, NO! A SHARK! Mmm! Dinnertime! I'll try reverse-psychology on him! EAT ME, SHARK! PLEASE, EAT ME! NO! NOT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! HEELLPP!!! HEEELLLLPP!!!

Nightmares Of A Frito-Pie Fiend -- 3 by biped 6-15-04

Welcome to the funeral. I hope you're bearing up well under your terrible burden of grief. Funeral? Who died? We had the deceased stuffed and mounted in his underwear, as per his last request. Follow me. NO!!! OMIGOD!!! NOOOO!!!!!

Nightmares Of A Frito-Pie Fiend -- 4 by biped 6-15-04

Well, I guess this isn't so bad. I'm in school, and -- OH, NO!!! I'M STILL IN MY UNDERWEAR!!! Class, it's time now for the big, scary final exam that will decide your grade for the entire year. FINAL EXAM? BUT I DIDN'T STUDY FOR IT! HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE? YAAAAA!!!!! RAAAAAR!!!!!!

Nightmares Of A Frito-Pie Fiend -- 5 by biped 6-15-04

WHEW! I'm back in my bedroom! That awful nightmare is finally over! YAAAAAA!!!!! RAAAAAAAR!!!!!! Crap! I forgot about the trick ending!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Spankling's Nightmare by choadwarrior 11-12-04

AAAAAAH! I just had the most horrible dream! Oh, dear--what was it about? America ignored the situation with Iraq and the economy and voted Bush back into office based on "moral values." I can think of worse. NOOOOOO! Time to ride dee cock train!

Getting more obviousity out of the way...

CC 265: Nightmare Physics by umfumdisi 11-12-04

One night at the ranch... So you see, cowboy, that is what your friend meant about the rotor turbines and gravitons. Thank you so much, Coyote Oldman. I must write down this knowlege lest I forget it upon waking. What the fuck was I dreaming about?

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

CC265: Kafkaesque by seattlesque 11-12-04

I had this terrible nightmare! Really? Tell me. I'd mysteriously metamorphosized into a salesman! My whole family turned their backs on me. Holy crap! As if I weren't low enough on the karmic totem pole already. Why don't you eat a few balls of dung and try to forget about the whole nasty affair?

CC265: Farm of Fear by seattlesque 11-12-04

At first it was amazing! There were decadent cups filled with birdseed...loads of scantily dressed women... Then just as things were heating up...it got painful, and I felt greasy. The whole scene had turned from a chicken brothel into... ...chicken BROTH? Oh come on, you made that dream up. It's uncanny, isn't it?

CC265: Villain Nightmares by seattlesque 11-12-04

Who are you supposed to be? Your... worst... nightmare!!! My worst nightmare involves Snuffy Snuffleupagus, the "Saturday Night Fever" sound track, and four jars of mayonnaise. Then think of me as a "gritty hero who foils your evil plan" or "armed man who makes you perform unspeakable sex acts" kind of nightmare guy. What is this all about? I don't even *have* an evil plan! Now that we have that settled...

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

CC 265: A Nightmare On Stripcreator Street -- 1 by biped 11-13-04

I've been on Stripcreator for twelve hours straight! Maybe I'd better get some sleep! zzzzzz... zzzzzzz... zzzzzzz... huh? What's that? Look, Ying-Yang! It's a nerd in his underwear! He's funny-looking, Goo-Goo! Let's cut his dick off!

CC 265: A Nightmare On Stripcreator Street -- 2 by biped 11-13-04

NO! NO! DON'T CUT MY DICK OFF! COME BACK HERE, YOU NERD! Oh, shit! The haunted house background! I'll bet something scary's gonna happen! I once fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now! YAAAAAAAA!!!

CC 265: A Nightmare On Stripcreator Street -- 3 by biped 11-13-04

HELP!!! HEEELLLPPP!!! I once met a Zen master who was also a hot dog vendor! So I said, "Make me one with everything!" What's going on here? BRAD! Help me! I'm stuck inside the "make a comic" template! I'm sorry, but the "Brad, Help Me" feature is only available to donors. You BASTARD!

CC 265: A Nightmare On Stripcreator Street -- 4 by biped 11-13-04

Well, if that's your attitude, I'll just stick your dumb ass in the graveyard for awhile. NO, Brad! Something HORRIBLE AND SCARY will happen to me here! I just KNOW it will! HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BEEP-BEEP!!! ME RACE CAR!!! YAAAAAAAAAA!!!