A while ago I posted this thread, which no one cared about. However, then I started posting my favorite comics from each month, and a correpsonding month from four years ago. Even fewer people cared about that even less.

But, it's fun. So I'm going to keep doing it. Here are my five of my favorites (of mine) from this month:

Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing by Scyess 4-02-05

Hi, Jon. I was bored, so I thought I'd come kick your ass. Go ahead. I'm feeling lonely and depressed. Uh... what? Right now I'm so low, any attention you give me will only make me feel better. So please. Beat me for hours. It'll be better than being left alone. You didn't actually think that was going to work, did you? At least I know she cares.

The Regular by Scyess 4-09-05

How did you enjoy your dinner this evening, sir? By eating it. You wouldn't believe what's happened when I've tried to enjoy it in other ways. That would explain why they gave me a tazer when you came in.

War! What Is It Good For? by Scyess 4-19-05

I don't understand why coffee shops are legal but cocaine bars aren't. I mean, coffee will hype you up and get you addicted, just like cocaine. Just not as much or as quickly... Maybe it's part of the US government's War on Efficiency. That reminds me... I have to go try to help Sanna register her license plates.

Boxer Theory by Scyess 4-27-05

Hey, Jon! What're you doing on the roof in your underwear? I'm testing my theory of why loose boxer shorts ride up. I guess that rules out anti-gravity, huh? I should've tested my "nipple attraction" theory first.

A Little Enthusiasm by Scyess 4-28-05

WHAT KIND OF CALL IS THAT?!?! WAS THAT UMPIRE DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS KID?? THAT WAS A FAIR BALL, YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! Man, this guy is pissing me off. Maybe I should throw a big dog turd in his face. GAAAH! WHO DID THAT? I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! I'M GONNA... ...and that's when the shit hit the fan. I swear I don't know why I talk to you.

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"Old" is the old new.

... and some of the best from April '01:

A Salute to the Lute by Scyess 4-03-01

Hi, Jon. What's happening? How's your foray into the world of blues? I've given up on singing the blues. I've decided to go buy a lute instead. A lute? Yeah, I figure I could wander around, play my lute and serenade people, you know? I could --- OW! CRAMP!! Pre-Minstrel Syndrome. CRAMP! You never really loved me! Boy, I sure could go for an extra-large pizza with everything right now. Hold me!

Didn't You Always Suspect as Much? by Scyess 4-06-01

Hey, mister. Do you got a dollar? Sorry, kid, I'm... uh... Um, that voice is familiar. Do I know you from somewhere? Oh, shit... HEY! YOU'RE THAT FANTASY "GIRL" FROM 1-900-PIZZAZ! Yes! Yes, it's me! I admit it! You wanked off to the sound of my voice... and I'm a 13-year-old boy! Muahahaha! Now give me a dollar, perv.

You Can Always Hope by Scyess 4-12-01

Ring... NOW! hmmm... hmm... (I don't care about that phone over there...) dee dee dee... NOW!! There HAS to be a more effective way to get girls to call you.

Meat by Scyess 4-14-01

Ya know, some people tell me they like their meat cooked and cooked and cooked until it "falls off the bone." What people don't realize is that if you start with a good piece of meat, it comes off the bone easily without any cooking at all. Of course, it can be just as hard to get the meat off when you account for all the squirming. Oh my god! The pain!

Time Killer by Scyess 4-18-01

Well, Jim, tonight is more boring than you thought it would be. A-yuk! Howdy, partner! You look bored! Let Bubbo the clown cheer you up! Well, that was fun, but now I'm bored again. Are you still there? Okay, it was funny at first, but you can dig me up now! Hello? Hello??!?

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"Old" is the old new.

Ah... 2001. What a truly horrendous year. Funny comics, though.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

quote:

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A Little Enthusiasm by Scyess 4-28-05

WHAT KIND OF CALL IS THAT?!?! WAS THAT UMPIRE DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS KID?? THAT WAS A FAIR BALL, YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! Man, this guy is pissing me off. Maybe I should throw a big dog turd in his face. GAAAH! WHO DID THAT? I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! I'M GONNA... ...and that's when the shit hit the fan. I swear I don't know why I talk to you.

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So not only do I have to suffer as a woman through my period once a month, but now your comics too? ugh.

Just kidding, they are great. :)

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

Must I remind you?

A Salute to the Lute by Scyess 4-03-01

Hi, Jon. What's happening? How's your foray into the world of blues? I've given up on singing the blues. I've decided to go buy a lute instead. A lute? Yeah, I figure I could wander around, play my lute and serenade people, you know? I could --- OW! CRAMP!! Pre-Minstrel Syndrome. CRAMP! You never really loved me! Boy, I sure could go for an extra-large pizza with everything right now. Hold me!

Scyess has already established himself as the site's Official Traveling Menstrual. His regular appearance and your reaction should hardly be surprising.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

My latest installment!

Detergent Delimma by Scyess 5-03-05

Oh, crap. Here comes Jon with that expression on his face. Hey, Cowdjinn; I've been thinking: if you spill a bottle of laundry detergent on your shirt, is it dirty, or just really really clean? This must be what the guy who thought up "shoot to stop" went through.

New Bars by Scyess 5-12-05

Hey, Jon. Wanna head down to the new Viagra bar? Gee, Jim... I don't know... Aw, you'll be fine. Just don't ever back up. And ferchrissakes, don't order a highball. Now I know. I'm staying right here.

Half & Half by Scyess 5-12-05

Hey you! What do you think you're doing? This is a nudist colony! ...but... ...but nothing! Get naked or get out! Sir, you are required to cover your genetalia in public. Get some pants or get out. IS THERE NOWHERE I FIT IN?!

In Stigmata De Vita, Baby by Scyess 5-13-05

AAAAHHHHHH! It's the stigmata! I see wounds on my hands and feet, just like Jesus'! You idiot. That's not the stigmata. You're actually being crucified. Oh. Yeah. AAAAHHHHHH! GET ME THE FUCK DOWN FROM HERE!! If I'd wanted you down I wouldn't've nailed you there in the first place.

Cowboys Gone Wild by Scyess 5-05-05

Sorry if I seem a little off today, Jim. I'm in a weird mood. Weird mood? You call being "a little off" a weird mood? When I'm in a "weird mood," a couple dozen goats end up walking funny for a month. Must you trivialize the day-to-day realities of my existence? You call those "day-to-day realities"? When I have day-to-day realities, Congress has to hold an emergency review of pediphilia laws.

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"Old" is the old new.

This one is one of my all-time favorites:

Random Comic! Modern Pastoral by Scyess 5-02-01

Moo. What? Moo. Quack. Whatever.

Puns: Fear Them by Scyess 5-04-01

...so then he says, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here with that tee shirt on. Long sleeves are required." That's when I pled the 2nd. The 2nd? Yeah! The right to bare arms! Haha! Grrr... Hm... same reaction. Except maybe a few more kicks to the groin... You know, the Hippocratic oath says it's okay not to treat people like you.

Bug Problem by Scyess 5-22-01

We need to do something about our bug problem. What problem? We have one bug. Hey, bitch! Fix me a sandwich or I'll bite your legs off. "More peanut butter and mayonnaise!" ________________ "Right away... sir." At least it's not as bad as when we had the gopher problem.

I dedicate this one to all you forum users:

Grammar Pedant Gets What He Deserves by Scyess 5-24-01

Actually, I think you mean, "Everyone's sick of MY tying their ball sacks around their ankles, not 'ME TYING.'" No, it depends on what you make the modifier. No, if you take it IN CONTEXT you'll see that, um...wait, quit looking at me like that... grrr... I should've done this to my 8th grade teacher when he was teaching me all that crap. Damn, Jon, I've got to remember to bring a camera when I come to your neighborhood... geez, are those your balls??

Fire by Scyess 5-28-01

...! So, Jon, then I thought, "Where's mah horse?" So I... Um, Jim? Yeah, Jon? Did you, Jim, by any chance, notice that you're on fire? Dammit, Jon! You never listen when I tell a story.

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"Old" is the old new.

Good month.

Brilliance.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Gah! That thing! It's back in your sig!

Great Month! (Insert funny Comment here)

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obscenity filter is off

WANGS

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

This month's installment!

Straight to the Source by Scyess 6-07-05

Hi. Are you the guy who writes those insipid little messages they put into fortune cookies? Kindness can move mountains that armies cannot break. I STRIKE A BLOW IN THE NAMES OF INTELLIGENCE AND CULINARY AUTHENTICITY! HAAIIIYYYA!! SUCCESS IS FOUND BY THOSE WHO SEEK IT!!! Look... I'm trying to help, but "You will come into a great deal of money," is not a proper answer to "Where does it hurt?" Wisdom is not gained through experience, but through learning.

Want by Scyess 6-10-05

~~blah blah blah~~ **munch munch** WHY THE HELL AM I JUST SITTING HERE? I WANT TO WRESTLE ALIGATORS! I WANT TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS! I WANT TO CURE DISEASES! I WANT TO EAT EXOTIC DISHES OUT OF NATIVES' AMPLE CLEAVAGE!!! All that stuff is on channel 237. *click* ~~blah blah blah~~ **munch munch**

Ultimate Evil V| by Scyess 6-13-05

So you're putting your pet mouse against my demonic overlord? Uh... yeah. What was the bet for again? Your soul? It was for three bucks! Uh... care up up the ante? NO!

Tight Labor Market by Scyess 6-18-05

Love is a many-splendored thing. Like the Hope Diamond. ... which you'll never have, either. Why don't you practice for your Suicide Hotline job interview on someone else? No... wait... love is like finding a billion dollars in a wallet on the sidewalk...

Stop Looking Already by Scyess 6-27-05

I must tread carefully... I sense evil in this cave... Hi! GAH! Who are you? Are you the epicenter of the evil I am sensing? Who me? Nah. I'm just an ordinary girl who invented the ideas of little sweaters for pets! My God... it's worse than I thought. They threw me in here just before I could release my new line of stilleto heels for iguanas. Can you believe it?

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"Old" is the old new.

I only had about five comics in June '01, so the selection was pretty easy this month:

How to Charm a Woman by Scyess 6-05-01

Step 1) Compliment Liberally Your eyes are like limpid pools of water dyed the exact color of your eyes. . . . ? Step 2) Qualify Your Compliments with Constructive Criticism Though maybe you'd be more attractive if you cleaned that crusty gunk from the edge of your pools (if ya know what I'm sayin'). ...! ha ha ha ha ha Asshole. ha ha! Good one, Scy.

How to Charm a Woman II by Scyess 6-05-01

Step 1) Show That You're Politically Aware and Socially Conscious I think that the way Bovine Americans are treated in the dairy industry is just horrid, don't you? . . . ? Step 2) Compliment Her Fur and Her Udder By the way, I couldn't help but notice the way your lusterous coat compliments your lovely round teat. ...! Step 3) Offer to Share Some of Your Cud... Wait a minute. What happened?? I hate my life. Hold on... Stop everything... I think today's advice was supposed to be for me.

How to Charm a Woman III by Scyess 6-06-01

Step 1) Let Your Sensitive Side Show . . . ? I cry all night whenever I watch Gone with the Wind. Step 2) Suppliment That Mush with a Primal Display of Machismo ...but I will prove I'm not gay by making spicy buffalo wings using only my bare hands and a live chicken. *gulp* I sure hope he doesn't mean me. Step 1.5) Make Sure the Target of Your Affection Isn't an Animal Rights Activist with a Black Belt THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS STEP 1.5!!! ...or they could at least have put it between steps 1 and 2. (Glad they didn't, though.)

How to Charm a Woman IV by Scyess 6-06-01

Step 24) Once You've Gotten Her to the Romantic Setting, Offer Her Your Coat It's cold, my dear. Here, take my coat. This is such a romantic setting! Step 25) Sand between Coats, Making Sure to Cover All the Surface Area Now hold still. What? Hey, Jon, I just heard the wierdest thing! It turns out the charm school and the home repair school are merging! You don't say...

Prime Time by Scyess 6-06-01

It started as just an ordinary day... James Ferbladt got up to go to work. At approximately 12:12 pm, he ate the lunch his wife had made for him. At approximately 5:17 pm, James Ferbladt got in the car to go home. He arrived at home just before 6:00, suspecting nothing. James Ferbladt finished dinner at approximately 6:46 pm. He washed the dishes, watched TV, and went to bed. It ended as just an ordinary day... I think that's quite enough "reality TV" for one day.