SO I still work part time at a bookstore (a Borders here in Indy) because I'm addicted to the discount. Can't beat 33% off most anything.

Anyway, Sunday, I had probably the wierdest creepiest experience with a customer ever.

Even More True Tales From The Bookstore by descolada99 4-15-02

Hello, did you find everything okay? (Holding NYC skyline greeting card) Yeah, but is it sick of me to want to send this greeting card saying 'wish you were here 9/11'? *uncomfortable, ringing up purchase* Man, that's harsh.. Yeah, but she put me in jail for 3 days. Maybe you should quit violating that restraining order. Have a good day!

I swear, that's totally 100% true. You can't make that shit up.

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"Fascist Clay was my most favorite totalitarian boxer!" - Indie Rock Pete from Diesel Sweeties

This is the best I can provide right now.

And I don't even live in Kentucky by kaufman 4-16-02

Ah, the joys of suburban living... It may look like a microphone to you, but it's a lawn mower handle. Really. It's springtime and the grass grows like beanstalks around here. I hope this mower can hold up to the stress. kaufman will return this evening either with Mower #2, or with a drum of Agent Orange. Stay tuned. AAAARRRRGGGHHHH! Blue Lawn of Death!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The best funny story I have is from this thread. Enjoy.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

You've been watching the Simpsons.

Speaking of Catholicism, and even if we weren't, I love to bring back topics that everyone has had enough of, here are two approximately true episodes from when I went through the Catechumenate 18 years ago.

Sunday Bloody Sunday by boorite 4-16-02

I don't quite get this "Miracle of Transubstantiation" thing. In the Eucharist, the bread and wine are transformed into the body and blood of Jesus, and you eat it. Not literally, though? Yes, literally His flesh and blood. That doesn't sound right. Are you sure? I think it's NEAT!

Sacrament of Conformation by boorite 4-16-02

Now that we're done with the Catechumenate, we should get confirmed together. It'd be so cute! Cute? Er, about reciting the Apostle's Creed in front of God and everybody... see, I don't exactly "believe" it. Neither do I. What's the big whoop?

Those are my 400th and 401st comics. Huzzah!

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What others say about boorite!

This isn't really a story per se but I wanted to share it anyway. I recommend against reading this if you have a weak stomach.

The company for which I work, which is a major telecommunications player, just began a new service project called "Surrounded With Love." I shit you not.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Can't... stop... puking...

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What others say about boorite!

wirthbert by wirthling 4-16-02

OK, wirthbert, I want you to spread the word to the staff about our new Surrounded With Love Technical Support Project. Surrounded With Love?! Yes, Surrounded With Love. You got a problem with that, wirthbert? Are you high? Am I to understand that you are mocking this company's attempt to leverage partnership synergy via proactive client-bond empowerment? I'm sorry. I'm too Surrounded With Nausea right now to process what you just said.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

You've been watching the Simpsons.

You're ripping off my shtick.

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This is my signature.

We're Surrounded! By Love! by gabe_billings 4-16-02

Dave, I need to talk to you about the 'Surrounded with Love' initiative. All over it, chief. I already got things set up back in the ol' cubicle. That's what I needed to talk to you about. I think you misunderstood the point of the whole thing. What do you mean? 'Surrounded with Love' doesn't mean 'Staple the beaver shots from Swank magazine all around your desk.' I see. Then I guess the strippers I have coming in tomorrow are out?

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

I once worked in the Australian Public Circus... uh, Service, in the inbred little backwater bayou known as the Defence Science and Technology Organisation, which is a cancerous lump growing on the arse of the Department of Defence. Basically, I paid the bills. Almost from the first day my boss, Liz Weeks, and her boss, Charles Oakenfull, were harrassing me almost non-stop. They decided from a single glance that I was not the kind of employee they wanted (ie. they wanted arse-kissers, and no, I am not joking - the most successful employees in the department were incompetent arse-kissers).

Anyway, they ended up driving me into a nervous breakdown. I wish I was joking about that bit.

Here are some strips depicting my hilarious time there...

True Stories from the Australian Public Circus [one] by DexX 4-16-02

We are intriducing a new strategy to improve our relations with our clients, called CMIP. CMIP? What might that stand for? Continuing Management Improvement Program. Oh, excellent. So it's going to set up better communication between staff and management? Or will it increase accountability to management? No, it's a fancy term for us telling you to work harder, but to stop whining and pretend you're having a good time. Oh.

True Stories from the Australian Public Circus [two] by DexX 4-16-02

May... We are setting up performance monitoring for you. How many accounts can you get through on an average day? Well, if there are a lot of them there, I would say... eighty or so. Maybe a hundred, but why is this necessary? October... You said you could do a hundred a day, but for the past few months you have rarely done more than sixty! I had been in the job for a month when you asked me that question! I estimated incorrectly! February... You're still not doing a hundred a day. Let's ignore the fact that the demand dropped over Christmas... ...leaving me with an average of only twenty a day to actually process! Are you deliberately trying to drive me insane here?

True Stories from the Australian Public Circus [three] by DexX 4-16-02

This conversation actually happened over the phone, for obvious reasons... Linda, remember that email I sent you in which I mentioned that I was at my emotional limit? Yeah, you sounded really upset. I was really worried about you. Well, do you recall that in it I said that I was about ready to start smashing to furniture because the harrassment from the boss was driving me mad? Yes, like I said, I was really worried. I passed the email on to my supervisor so we could get you some stress leave or something. The email reached the boss. She sacked me. Oh... shit...

True Stories from the Australian Public Circus [four] by DexX 4-16-02

Sorry these are out of order. This one happened in my first week... James, I wanted to talk to you about the work clothes you wear. Sorry, this is the first professional job I have ever had. I will be buying some better clothes soon. I want you to wear good slacks of some kind, a long-sleeved cotton business shirt, and a tie every day. Okay then, I will do so when I buy some. Incidentally, can I see a copy of the official dress code. There is no dress code. Just do it, proletariat scum. Wheee, I'm going to have fun working here...

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It's a veruca growing out of a boil growing out of a tumour.

Yeah... the job that occupied them most was trying to hold together the second-hand F111s that we bought from the US Army.

I wish I was joking.

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