All comics by Contraband

Profile

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Don't use drugs, because if you buy drugs, the money goes to terrorists
But isn't that like saying if you buy ANY clothes, you support sweat shops, even though only a small percentage comes from sweat shops?
Nope, cause We can't get you addicted to them like I can

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
In order to fight THEM, we're going to need to take away some of the American citizen's rights
But isn't that what the terrorists want? To get rid of the values Amercia stands for?
Terrorists?
Who's going to protect us from the protectors?

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
So, did you listen to the new NIN CD?
Yeah, the lyrical counterpoint didn't match my standards of contemporary angst. Granted, some pessimism is to be expected, yet as a expert on being ostentatious I can't help but feel disenchanted....
Yeah, but have you LISTENED to the CD?
No, but I read a review on the internet

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Man, the internet has limitless possibilities! I can talk and share ideas with people around the globe, and finally express myself freely without fear of judgment of race, age, sex or background
Click here for naughty co-ed girls!
HI ALL A/S/L?
Now I know what a tortured genius feels like
A/S/L? KTHNXBYE TTYL FLAMINGO LMAO!!!11

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
I'm so mad at him.
He didn't realize that I painted my nails
She's really quiet tonight; she's probably impressed by my velcro-sneakers.
I know! I'll make very very subtle hints about it and he's BOUND to know how I'm feeling!

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
A dollar? What can you get for a dollar?
You can call anywhere in the U.S. for 20 minutes for only a buck!!!.....
Man, I miss my career
Man, I miss my career

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
I've got a great idea on how to handle our drug problem. We can lock up casual, non-violent drug users and put them right next to violent drug dealers, so they'll have some friendly contacts.
Then they'll be ostracized from society and treated like hardened criminals so that way they'll never use drugs again!
haha, imagine if that's what we actually did....
Uh......
Oh dear GOD!

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
OMG! 80's Retro is in! I love it!
The music, the fashion, oh man, it brings back so many memories!
You were born in 1989..
Your point being?

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
I wrote a poem Ariel!
Hey there Errin, Lay it on me baby cakes
Ok, it's about Justin Timberlake. his hair isn't small his life will never be boring he never is down or have a frown on his face he doesn't bore his screaming fans he does like to disappoint his fans
Congratulations. You've scared me into becoming a computer programer.

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Errin Talks To Her Teacher About Her Work
So, if I study hard and get straight A's, what do I get?
Beat up buy the kids with bad grades. Besides, colleges don't care about grades until end of highschool.
And if I get bad grades?
You get to stay after school.... with me
"Straight C" student and proud of it!
Go for an "A" in gym. Colleges like extra-curricular activities. Maybe you could get a scholarship.

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Cathy searchs for a boyfriend....
I'm really into collecting stamps
Really?! ME TOO! I love stamps!
God, I love Pearl Jam. They're my favorite band!
Oh really? ME TOO! I love Pearl Jelly
Daw' gon' it'! I love growing prunes. Good eatin'!!!
Oh really? I love... ahhh forget it!

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Sir Benga seeks John The Professor's help
Greetings. I am Sir Benga. I exist as one entity with the soul of two people.
Hi. They call me The Professor because I lay down the info for you.
I've come to seek your help. I wish to extract my other half into another body.
This is somewhat of an inside joke.
They call me the Professor, not God.

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Ok, I think I've figured out how to extract the 2nd soul inside your body into another body.
Thank you! I'll finally be able to be free.
Ready? Here we go!
I'm such a failure.
Back to the drawing board doc

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
After The Professor gives Sir Benga's other soul a body, he tries to fix the mistake he made.
Ok doc, let's get some taste here. I look like a leftover prop from "A Christmas Carol"
I'm sorry, I have no fashion sense. I KNOW! I'll take whatever fashion sense God gave your other half and use THAT to create your other body.
To Be Continued......
You're a genius doc!
My only concern is that I left your other half without ANY fashion sense at all. OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I CREATED!!!??!?

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Now That Sir Benga's other half has been put into a fashionably sensible body, he left Sir Benga without any taste.
Hmmm, I thought cigarettes were supposed to be smooth, mild, and tasty
Great doc! You've left me without any taste! Now I'm a cigarette butt!
I'm such a pawn of advertising.
Take a drag off me and say that again
*COUGH* God that was awful!!!..... MORE!
I guess things could be worse. I could be Carrot Top.

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Sir Benga Gets His Groove Back
Ok Sir Benga. I think I've found the solution. All I have to do is take the DNA leftover from your old broccli-like hair and you'll be back to normal!
Thank you doc. As happy as I am with what you've done to my other half, I'm still in need of help.
Good, because I was starting to get addicted to your menthol-butt
Not much of an improvement, but we'll take what we can get.
Thank you doc! Shelby & I are very grateful.

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Curt & Dion just hanging out
Dion, don't these stars look beautiful?
What are you talking about, you jackass?
Curt consoles Professor John for advice
Man, Dion's calling me a jackass.... he hurt my feelings
It's OK Curt Magurt. He calls everyone a jackass when he doesn't understand what you're talking about, even if you make perfect sense. It's just his nature.
The idea is lost on Dion
It's OK Dion, I forgive you. John The Professor explained everything to me. We can be friends again.
What are you talking about jackass?

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Dion is taken to Professor John's lab for brainwashing...
Whenever someone says something you don't understand, you call them a jackass. We can't have this. Have you ever heard of Pavlov? He developed a theory that rewards and punishment can change behavior
What are you talking about jackass?
I'm gonna smack you in the head everytime you call me a jackass, so that way you'll never say the word again....
What are you talking about jackass?
Professor John beats the living daylights out of Dion
Let's test the theory...
What are you talking about Jack... Jack.... Jacka.... JACKSON?

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Curt Magurt works on his paper for class using Microsoft Word
Let's see, I need to erase that last line...
Oh no, what have I done?
Hi! I can see you need help typing cause a gerbil could do better
Great, a sarcastic help icon, what more do I need
Some pants for starters....

 

by Contraband
2-21-02
Curt Magurt runs into that annoying paper clip from word
So who are you exactly? What can you do for me?
Hi! I can see you need help. Please allow me to erase your homework for you!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?!?!? I NEEDED THAT!!!
Would you like Microsoft Word to plagiarize for you?
Hmm, this might not be so bad after all
E-mail Outbox: Address: Dean@college.edu Subject: My plagiarizim off the internet

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Lars Allrich speaks out against the evils of mp3s
MP3s threaten the future of music! Why would someone buy MY music when they can buy a blank CD to make a copy of MY music?
When you listen to a MP3, you steal from me, Lars Allrich
20 Years Ago.....
Cassette recorders threaten the future of music! Why would someone buy MY music when they can buy a blank tape to make a copy of MY music on cassette?

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Dion downloads some mp3s
Yes! It took 2 whole days, but I downloaded the entire copy of Lars Allrichs's new CD!
I only spent $2 on the blank CD, $150 for the CD recorder, and 23 hours of work.....
and NOW I have my own copy of Lars Allrich's new CD, minus the artwork and sound quality! I SURE SHOWED HIM!
Error Recording CD: Please insert new CD

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
MP3s will be the end of my music. If the "artist" doesn't have creative control of the exposure, then how is it to thrive?
What about new artists who can't get play on the radio because they can't get signed due to the fact that they don't create music to appeal to the lowest common denominator? MP3s are perfect for them
Who cares about them!?! THIS IS ABOUT ME!

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS DEAL WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT!!! WE HAVEN'T HAD A DEAL LIKE THIS SINCE.... WELL LAST NIGHT..
I need this to be complete
HURRY AND CALL NOW! WE ONLY HAVE A LIMITED QUALITY.... I MEAN QUANITY OF THESE AUTHENTIC OFFICAL replica OF A TOOTHPICK ONCE LOOKED AT BY FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER MOOKIE WILISON
Would you like the authentic official replica case to protect your toothpick?
Sure do! Does it come with a certificate of authentic official replication?

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Sir Benga "has" the internet
So this is the internet gizmo I've been hearing about. I'm so glad I finally have the internet.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I really need some help. Maybe if I type AOL I can get on the World Wipe Wedge. At least I have the lingo down. If you can shorten a word with a letter or symbol, do it
C:/DOS
Who is this DOS guy, and why is he want to "C" my "colon"?

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Sir Benga asks Professor John for help with his computer
Professor, I need your help. I'm having trouble using the internet.
What web browser are you using? Who's your internet service prodvider? Do you have a firewall to protect you from trojan horses?
¿?¿?¿?
Trojan makes computer horses now?
I can see this is going to require a lot of time

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
John can't help Sir Benga with his computer problems
I'm sorry Sir Benga. I can't help you. The internet isn't for everyone.
It's ok. I guess it's a pretty complex thing that requires a young mind and experince with computers.
Hey Jackson, it looks like it's the internet isn't for people like us. Maybe I'll grow old on the farm like you did.
Eh? How's dat youngin'? You havn' trouble with dem der computer doo-hicky?
I'm glad I've found someone I can relate to!
main() { const int bigrate = 220; int age; int mainrate;

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Sir Benga goes shopping for some CDs
Hi, may I help you sir... mam... whatever...
Yes, I'm looking for some CDs.
Let me name some genres, and you tell me which one you like. Pop, classical, rock, rap, polka-funk-industrial-hip-hop-be-bop-ska-grunge.....
Now that's what I call music!
I SWEAR! That's how that's how I accidentally bought that CD!!!!
Sure, I believe you.... but then why do you also have volume 12?

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
So I went to the symphony last night, but I left early cause it was awful....
What was wrong with it?
Well, I was sitting there, waiting, and then they started. The first song they played sounded like a mess! It sounded like they were all playing a different song.
Uhhh, I think that was them tuning their instruments
"Them Tuning Their Instruments"? What kinda name for a song is that?
Never mind

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Wow! This new magazine published by Columbia House is great! It's CD reviews tell me which CDs to buy!
Didja happen to notice that the CDs they give good reviews to are published by Columbia House?
Ok, so you recommend a band....
How about Tool?
What a stupid name. This magazine gave them a bad review. I wonder where they got their name from.
I'm sure you're their inspiration.

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
I'm so glad the internet reviews recommended Pink Floyd's "The Wall" to me. I can really see how all these things have "built a wall" between himself and others...
Yeah, I love that album.
I'm a little weirded out though. Listen to this guy, he sounds like a girl trying to rap
Dude, this isn't Pink Floyd, this is Pink.
Well at least both albums are about someone named "Pink"
Yeah, so tell me again, how exactly did you think this album was about someone building a wall?

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Whatcha doin' there doc?
I'm working on a theory that our society is oppressed in a subtle manner through advertising and peer pressure to act and think a certain way.
When we don’t think and act in a way that conforms to the norms of our “advanced” society, we feel guilty and ashamed.
I have no idea what you just said, so it must be evil. I'm placing you under arrest.
Thanks for proving my point.

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Professor John gets arrested for free thinking
Have they fed you yet?
No, actually, I haven't had anything to eat all day
Here, have some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. HEY GUARDS! GET THIS KID SOME SUGAR!!!!
Sugar on Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I'd better tell this guy not to bother.
So, ever kill anybody?
On second thought.....

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Professor John is stuck in jail
So what's your name kid?
John. They call me "The Professor", or sometimes just Doc, like in Back To The Future. What's yours?
They call me Stan, after the ultimate in evil.
Uhh, I think you mean Satan.
No, Stan's your cellmate. They have to keep a muzzle on him because he eats human flesh.
Do you know where I can get a new lab coat? I just ruined mine.

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Ok, you're free to go. Someone paid your bail.
I think you owe me an apology for treating me so harshly.
Don't push your luck.
Good point.
I'm glad that ordeal is over. I'm no longer being controlled and told what to do
Hi. I'm superior to you because I'm an actor on TV. My brand of soup is superior to whatever you buy because you aren't on TV, so buy my brand.

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Welcome back to T.R.L. on MTV...
In at #9, we have J. Lo and next we have BSB. Later on, P. Diddy and P.O.D. will join us
I don't know which is worse, pop music's intials, or pop-"punk"'s numbers & band names.
Hey kiddies, get ready for some punk with Blink 182, Sum 41 and SR-71....

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
haha! I've got new e-mail!
You've got mail :)
I can obtain a college degree online? This internet is the greatest thing ever!
From: getadegree@spam.edu
Someone just IMed me! haha! This is neat. Hello my fellow netizen! Isn't the computer age grand?
HOLLA AT ME YALL 19/f to check out my live webcam! Click Here

 

by Contraband
2-22-02
Hmm, "mohawks are GR8" says to vist http://www.rotten.com for some nice JPGs
I wonder what a JPG is, this site is still loading..... OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT MAN DOING!??!?!!
I'VE BEEN TRAUMATIZED!!!
haha, got another newbie

 

by Contraband
2-23-02
Dan The Man comes over to hang out with the rest of The Crew
Hey Dan, why so glum?
Dion's calling me a jackass. I feel like I offended him.
Don't worry about it, Dion does that all the time when you say something he doesn't understand. It's impossible to offend Dion, well, unless you said Pearl Jam had no talent.
All I said was that 311 has a better live show than Pearl Jam.
Yeah, you're a dead man. Has he started throwing things at you?
So that's what that was. I was wondering where those pens were coming from.

 

by Contraband
2-23-02
Dan apologizes to Dion
Look Dion, I'm sorry I said 311 has a better live show than Pearl Jam.I'd really like to be in The Crew, and I need to accept our differences.
I'd really like to be in The Crew, and we need to accept our differences. Music is a matter of taste, and our differences should be celebrated, not come between us. Let's put this behind us.
He's listening to me. I'm in The Crew!
What are you talking about jackass?

 

by Contraband
2-23-02
Baby Bye! Bye! Bye! Oh man this is great!
Baby Bye! Bye! Bye!
This is the single greatest group ever!!!!
MTV presents a special look at The Beatles, the best group ever...
Hmmm, the TV says these "Beat Elles" guys are the best ever. I must have been wrong. I wonder if they're French Techno?
Coming to a store near you, "Nirvana's Greatest Hits" from the best group ever.

 

by Contraband
2-23-02
Sir Benga goes to a frat party
Wow, what a great hairstyle. I love it!
Wow, what a great hairstyle. I love it!
So, want some beer? We have Busch on keg!
hmmm, I've never had beer before. No thanks, I have to drive soon.
Sir Benga learns his tolerance to beer is low.... VERY low
Wow, that new kid is puking up like crazy! How much did he have to drink?
Nothing, he just held my glass. The condensation must have gone through his veins.

 

by Contraband
2-23-02
Sir Benga watches the Winter Olympics
Oh my GOD! You stupid ref! I can't believe you disqualified him! WHAT ARE YOU BLIND!??!
Even I could do a better job! GET SOME GLASSES!!! This is the worst call in the history of this event!
Hey Sir Benga, what sport's on the Olympics now?
I don't know the name of it. It has something to do with ice.

 

by Contraband
2-24-02
The Happin' Party
This party's pretty happening, huh Dion?
It's ok, I guess.
This party's pretty happening, huh Dan?
It's ok, I guess.
This party's pretty happenin..... aw who are we kidding, this is awful.
I told you that you needed a tap for the keg!

 

by Contraband
2-24-02
Remember when we used to play basketball. We were in such good shape.
Hey, we still get our execrise.
I highly doubt opening a beer bottle works the biceps too much.

 

by Contraband
2-24-02
Man, my calluses are building their own calluses from playing bass so much.
Yeah, I know what you mean, my hand cramps up from changing chords.
Yeah, but it's worth it, isn't it?
Darn tootin'! I can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" now!
Maybe it isn't worth the pain and suffering.
I am a ROCK GOD!

 

by Contraband
2-24-02
So, have you heard the new Contraband CD?
Those guys are awful! Their guitarist can't shred, and do other things that only guitar geeks like myself care about.
Yeah, but I was moved by...
Oh what do you know?! You play bass and can't possibly comprehend the level of complexity of music that I do.
What is this jackass talking about?
This reminds me, I still need to learn how to play that intro to "Today" by The Smashing Pumpkins. Man that's tricky!

 

by Contraband
2-25-02
A lawsuit has been filed against Microsoft. Do all you can to fight this injustice.
hmmm, interesting. Poor Microsoft.
The lawsuit is about the monopoly Microsoft has, we'll let you know that this is not true. Write your congressmen and let them know you're an informed individual.
Monopoly, eh? I thought that was made by Parker Brothers. The TV said it's unjust, so it must be so! I'll write my congressman and let him know what they are doing is wrong!
More on this as it develops, here on MSNBC
I'm glad I'm an informed polictal person. Imagine if I was one of those people who had the wool pulled over his eyes!

 

by Contraband
3-03-02
Man, I just got back from the mall, that place is like a breeding ground for stupidity.
Oh yeah?
Actually, it attracts stupidity like a moth to a flame and I'm having a picnic at night with a GIANT candle.
Tell me about it. It's like a siren’s call for idiocy.
Too bad it couldn't be a bug zapper...
Hey guys! I just came back from the mall! There were so many of the cool kids there! I was like NO WAY!

 

by Contraband
3-12-02
1 in every 3 people are manipulated by statistics a new study shows....
Hmmm, let's see, the TV says that 1 in every 3 people are manipulated by statistics...
The study was sponsered by a large national company that has everything to gain by publishing these results...
I'm glad I have the TV to tell me these things.
so you can trust them, the way you trust us.
Or else I might be one of those people who are manipulated by statistics!

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