All comics by Waste_Of_A_Sniper

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I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don't know why, she swallowed a fly. I guess she'll die.
I know an old lady who swallowed a spider, that wiggled & jiggled & tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but I don't know why, she swallowed a fly. I guess she'll die.
You guess i'll die? You GUESS i'll die? Look at the fuckin' size of this thing... of COURSE i'm gonna die you fuckin' rhyming idiot...

 

Game of Battleships?
Sure.
i-1?... miss. i-2?... miss. i-3?... miss. i-4?... miss. i-5?... miss. i-6?... miss. i-7?... miss. i-8?... miss. i-9?... miss.
miss. b-1?... miss. b-2?... miss. b-3?... miss. b-4?... miss. b-5?... miss. b-6?... miss. b-7?... miss. b-8?... miss. b-9?...

 

it's time

 

WE have to issue paper tickets.
We club people in the head until they lose their memory.
It really helps to cut down on the paper-work.

 

It's too weedy.
I'm just getting snags.
Let's find a better spot.
suckaz

 

your shoe is un-tied...
i'm not falling for that... if i look down, you're gonna sting me...
.... why would i? .... if i lose my stinger i'll die...
you could still kick me in the ass with your blue nikes...
you're not a very trusting child are you?
hey! you're the one giving me the finger!!!

 

vanilla
thad b coo
that would be cool
is barely
thad b coo
that would be cool
a flavor
yohopeless
your place?

 

do me a favor?
go see my dentist
sit in the chair and do that

 

i broke my HB pencil over panels 1 and 2
i know you must be thinking "gee i wonder what he'll do?"
but if at first you don't suceed, you have to try keep on trying
and try and try and try and try or else you'll end up...

 

Look! I can balance a nachos chip with my hard-on!!
How would ya like to dip that chip into my love juice?
Go find your own hobby!

 

Mounting Option # 1
Mounting Option # 2
Which mounting option do you like the best?
Artistically or professionally?

 

Wow; a bunch of people probably had spent weeks, months, maybe even years working hard to build that office tower...
... and now it has all been destroyed.
So, what you're REALLY saying is that you need another beer?
I don't care if you are 11. Marry me.

 

I've never seen anyone nail up wallpaper before.
So... what are you trying to say?
You need a beer.

 

Beautiful eh?
Totally.
Too bad we gotta cut it all down.
For sure.
Ha! Ha! Ha! He-He-He! Ha! Ha! He-He! Ha! Ha! Ha! He-He! He! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! He-He-He! Ha! Ha! He-He! Ha! Ha! Ha! He-He! He! Ha! Ha!

 

This is my garden. If I EVER catch you in here again I will kick your little ass SO HARD... you won't even know the time of day.
This is my 300 GigaWatts Pro-Max Home-Depot Bugs-B-Gone Stick ...
and oh yeah ..... this is MY garden.

 

It's a beam of particles. A force field of some kind... perhaps a doorway into another dimension?... I'm going through...
Wow, the air composition is almost EXACTLY the same as that of the earth's.
Stop playing in the closet Collin and take out the trash!!!
reality sucks.

 

Keep shining like that and you'll burn out before you even turn 3 billion!
Screw you planet!
Phfff... celebrity stars... they think they own the place.

 

I'm slowly working my way up to the rainbow-colored afro.
So; another aspiring clown wannabe eh?
You're a clown?

 

I've never seen anyone wearing a toga with cuffs and a matching kilt before.
It is my way of expressing my deep respect for multi-cultural influences which I wear as a combination of fashions to reflect the diversity that surrounds me.
You're doped up aren't cha?
Big time.
I should be a cop.

 

Please don't go! It's much too dangerous...
You know as well as I do... I must go. I have to go. I NEED to go.
People will just continue to think it's made of cheese, when clearly... it's really just a big banana.
Have a nice trip.

 
Not all mice are into big, hot, steaming breasts. In fact, for some mice it's quite the opposite.
W-w-what are y-y-you staring at?

 

Trick-or-Treating doesn't GET any better than this!

 

T.I.K.R.I.T.
T.I.K.R.I.T?
The Iraqi King, Right in There.
I knew that.

 

my oh my.... for a fairy you sure have enormous tits!
well... perhaps when you get older you'll develop a nice pair of hooters for yourself...
no thanks, not if it means having to go around wearing a helmet!
{eww, that hurts}

 

A rocket INSIDE of a rocket! This is pure genius. We are SO ready for anything.
For sure... let's celebrate with a Dole!
Bring 'em on!!!
Where did you put 'em?
Oh shit.

 

Did you know that a baby's vocal chords are especially designed to amplify the volume of the air which passes through the trachea up to, something like, 1500 decibels per each individual sound wave?
It must be a survival thing.
Did YOU know that if you kick a guy hard enough between the legs, his vocal chords will revert BACK to his baby years?
No... maybe that would also explain why they drop to the ground in a fetal position?
Could be. Could be.

 

So there you have it... the once popular 80's rocker Billy Squire also sharing his bed with children.
Stroke me! Stroke me! .... Stroke! Stroke! .... Stroke me! Stroke me! Stroke! Stroke!
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it ... Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it!
OK, when we cut back to the studio... I think Collin should do Micheal, and Connie should do Billy.
Ahhh... what's that? Connie has ALREADY done Billy? WTF? Oh... hahaha I get it hahaha... you can tell Tony that's why I have the mike.

 

Departures / Departs / Salidas
OK, you're good to go. Seat 27-D is a window. Have a nice trip. Enjoy the scenery.
Departures / Departs / Salidas
Have a nice trip? How can I? You've confiscated everything I own!
Departures / Departs / Salidas
Sorry ma'am. Just...... have a trip. And..... I'll enjoy the scenery.
that's better

 
Happy New Year!
Did they cut back on the fire works this year? Or is it just me?

 

Except for Sundays - when we practice - We rock Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays. We TRAVEL.
We ARE - THE HARDEST working rockers in the business today !!!!
Wow. Not bad for somebody who only knows how to play 4 chords!
Like I said. We only practice on Sundays.

 

That's my order then!
OK. If that's your order, I will not question it.
I knew that.

 
morons

 

I can't believe it.
Someone is ACTUALLY trying to pass-off a coffee mug on E-bay as being a genuine fossil.
Un-fucking believable.

 

We're lost in space sir.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Good one Zorp! I LOVE that show... Danger Will. Danger Will. Ha! Ha! Believe me, we are NOTHING like Lost in Space.
No, I mean we ARE actually lost in space sir.
Well... good luck with that... thanks to you, I've got some serious TV watching to do.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But we lov 'im.

 

Drop it !
No. You drop it !
Drop it or I'll blow off your ear !
Drop it or I'll blow off your testicles !
I thought so.

 

The gathering of people was so great, that they could no longer hear the king speak.
So, according to YOUR theory, the people thought that they were choosing between a free trip to Barbados or a free Nazareth CD? ...
... and they chose Barbados?
And then microphones were invented.

 

Sure... I could stand on the chair, reach through the window, and grab the banana...
Or... I could just stand here pretending to be really dumb, and then just wait for these idiot researchers to feed me.
Too easy.

 

You are crazy man. Do you mostly think you can get across the Canadian border, packing your coat in this manner?
ahhh.... We're already IN Canada.
I love this country.

 

How's this Dad?
Lookin' good, real good. You might want to think about using a smaller pad though.
No way. The woman on TV said, the bigger the pad, the better the protection.
O... M... G...

 

We know why you're here. You're here for our oil.
That's not umm... necessarily true... we COULD be here for your women.
Whoa baby... look at that tiny little ass. She is - mighty fine.
That was a man.
You're right. We're here for the oil.

 

Believe me, PET scans are completely safe. You have nothing to worry about.
I have nothing to worry about... I have nothing to worry about...
OK. We're done!
That wasn't so bad.

 

So there you are, the first "super soldier". You possess the necessary DNA to be immune from some of the most deadliest biological weapons that will ever be created.
I poo-poo'ed in my dipee.
New dipee?
No way. It's all part of the training.

 

I want to be FREE. I don't want to be a puppet any more. I want to be a real human being. I want to be wireless.
ha-ha-ha
What's so funny?
You said, "free" and "wireless".

 

This is working out WAY better than we expected.
No one has any idea that you're the CEO of Mobil.
Cool.
I wish to drag you with my camels.
OMG. He better be talking about racing.

 

When I get like, totally, totally, massive and hard.
I have to grab my throbbing desire just like this.
That works too.

 

I thought FOR SURE they'd beheading back to the polls.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Watch what you're sayin' there.
What? Polls?
Yeah, that was it.

 

Do you have any liquids or gels?
Just a tube of spermicidal jelly.
Spermicidal jelly? Spermicidal? That's not like... anything to do with being suicidal is it? You're not planning on killing anyone are you?
Only some sperm. You've never seen jelly before have you?
Don't let my looks deceive you young lady... I know jelly. Trust me. I KNOW jelly.

 

It's time for us to leave. So we won't be bombing you & dropping medical supplies & food... bombing you & dropping medical supplies & food... bombing you & ...
... dropping medical supplies & food... bombing you & dropping medical supplies & food... well, you get the picture.
How about... just dropping us medical supplies & food? You know... when you have the time.
We could do that. And maybe you could drop us a few billion barrels of crude oil... you know... when you have the time.
OK... now he's just messing with me.

 

Are you done liberating us yet?
Well... we now see this whole liberation thing as more of... well... like an occupation.
So? Are you ready to retire from your occupation?
No... not like an occupation as in "a job"... more like...
WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE OUR F#@Kin COUNTRY ALREADY!!!
Whoa... this guy's got issues.

 

Okay Chip... you've chosen to POLL THE MOB! Only ONE of the following answers is correct.
Former Washington Cheerleaders Box
I chose Clinton because I was blowing him at the time and well ... I just know alot about Bill.
I chose Bush because he never went near mine.
Ewe... weeee. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
I play with my nuts all day... It's just you.

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