All comics by Zapp

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by Zapp
1-09-02
The world has ended, and South Chicago is much improved . . .
I wonder if the cosmic rays from FermiLab have stopped exploding things?
Wish I had legs...
I am waiting for a bus.

 

by Zapp
1-09-02
The end of the world has brought our hero a new friend . . .
You can talk?!
Smart guy! You must be in college.
I am. I was.
Go on, conjugate the verb... in Latin...
Let's see... sum, es, est, sumus, estis, sunt, eram, eras...
Very good. Now do Greek...

 

by Zapp
1-09-02
My dick is so big that I have to fuck a carwash!
My dick is so big that it has it's own show on MTV!
My dick is so big that it was on a Wheaties box!
My dick is so big that sometimes it jerks ME off!
My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick!
No comment.

 

by Zapp
1-10-02
Meanwhile, in space . . .
Hello Jesus.
Hello donkey.
I'm pregnant!

 

by Zapp
1-10-02
Will there finally be an only-begotten grandson of the LORD?
I said: I'm pregnant.
What?!
Fuck! How could this happen?
Well, when we were humping in the back of your VW and Deep Purple was playing loud and we were so passionate and everything I think the condom broke but I didn't want to ruin the moment and...
Ah, Christ.

 

by Zapp
1-10-02
What WOULD Jesus do, anyway?
Jesus, I don't know. I could get an abortion...
Well goddamnit! What are we going to do now?
Don't think about the eternity in hell... Don't think about the eternity in hell...
Don't tell donkey about the eternity in hell... Don't tell donkey about the eternity in hell...

 

by Zapp
1-10-02
Jesus and donkey are in a bind...
Come ON, Jesus, what will we do? Can't you use your good standing with your father to get the O.K. for an abortion?
Hmm...
Well...
No - He's pretty strict about the whole abortion thing. I thought you were on the pill? How could you still get pregnant?
I gave them up for Lent.
#&$@

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
It's hard for a programmer to get dates sometimes...
You don't say?
But I'm using what I learn to my advantage - I came up with a "divide-and-conquer" algorithm to get me some!
Oh boy...
Many minutes, words, and diagrams later...
...and the best part is that it's O(nlogn)!
eh...

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
So I figure the only way to seduce a woman from a computer science perspective is to wait for a warm, sunny day.
Why's that?
Because! Everyone dresses lightly when it's warm - women will wear bikini tops and I can go shirtless! This is obviously the best way to start my plan.
...
You see, it's a TOP-DOWN approach...
I GET IT.

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
/\/\3 = L33
Why do you spend so much time with me? You should SAVE YOURSELF! GO OUTSIDE! _DO_SOMETHING!
Are you kidding? It's cold out! The city is dangerous! And I don't want to give up the oh so comfortable and convenient anesthetic of chat, stupid websites, and pornography.
him = $uX0r
Besides, real people are scary. Example: me.
Wanker.

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
Hello.
Hello.
(boob)
Is that a new jacket?
Jack it? I BARELY EVEN KNOW IT!!
#&$@

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
(melon)
So where are you from?
Texas. Where are you from?
California.
CALIFORN YA? I BARELY EVEN KNOW YA!!
$&#@

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
Say - can you tell me where the supermarket is? I'm supposed to meet my cousin there to help her finish her shift.
Oh - sure. Does she work there?
Yeah. She's not a cashier, but ah, whaddayacallit...
Bagger?
Bag her? SHE'S MY COUSIN, SICKO!!
I hate this man.

 

by Zapp
1-11-02
Boy, I tell you - I met this gorgeous girl last night, but I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I sincerely hope that's not as bad as it sounds...
Nah. We just went out for drinks...
Did you have too much liquor?
Lick her? NOT ON A FIRST DATE!!
(boob)

 

by Zapp
1-12-02
A farmer with three daughters screens three prospective suitors. The first:
Fine.
Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?
The second:
Fine.
My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?
And the third...
I MUST KILL YOU !!
Hi, my name's Chuck...

 

by Zapp
1-12-02
Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?
It keeps the sun out of my eyes.
Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear the vest and chaps?
They protect me from the elements.
But Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear those sneakers?
That's so people don't think I'm a damn truck triver.

 

by Zapp
1-13-02
Back to the end of the world:
Say, post-apocalyptic-former-college-student-with-no-legs, is that your old physics textbook under that stop sign?
Yes it is - I liked it. It's one of those books that moves a generation...
...at velocity v, with friction force F...
...into a trash can?

 

by Zapp
1-13-02
...don't put salt in my eye
don't put salt in my eye don't put
salt in my eye don't put salt in
my eye don't put salt in my eye don't
put salt in my eye...
OUCH !!

 

by Zapp
1-14-02
The SC.com characters receive a million kajillion smackers. What now?
Snowmen can't talk, dingleberry.
I think I'll devote my time to designing web standards.
Tobor plans to invest in fertilizer companies and shovels. I'm tired of doing things the hard way.
Well, I always wanted to travel to Mars and live out my secret agent fantasies, but I'm not sure if I'm really me or if I've been implanted with fake memories or if Sharon Stone -- wait, I'm a donkey!
SMACK HER? I BARELY EVEN KNOW HER !!
I want a piece of that donkey from panel 4.

 

by Zapp
1-14-02
Round two of cash distribution begins...
Look, if snowmen can't talk then they obviously can't do anything with millions of dollars, right? Right!
I glued my eyelids shut. Please help.
$infinity,000.00? DESTRUCTION THE AMERICA! NOW!!
I just wanted to appear in a comic. Just once. I'll go now. *sob*
*ding* *ding* *ding*
Quit looking at me!

 

by Zapp
1-14-02
"He who hesitates is lost."
I ...

 

by Zapp
1-14-02
We shall not fail.

 

by Zapp
1-15-02
A farmer with three daughters sceens three prospective suitors AGAIN. One:
Fine.
My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show; is she ready to go?
Two:
Fine.
My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?
Three:
I assume you are here to SHUCK MY CORN!! Please come in.
My name's Chuck...

 

by Zapp
1-15-02
Hours of worring about donkey's pregnancy accomplish... nothing!
...and borrow his Egyptian firstborn curse?
God knows I had enough trouble borrowing his VW in the first place.
So you
Rats! Better feed donkey the old "forgiveness and salvation" line...

 

by Zapp
1-15-02
Hello, this is God speaking. You may have noticed that part five of "Another thread" was fucked up. I intervened and made the author hit enter prematurely. Rash unfathomable acts are my speciality.
Oh, and "Harry Potter" sucks. Amen.

 

by Zapp
1-15-02
Hours of worring about donkey's pregnancy accomplish... nothing!
What about the Egyptian firstborn curse? Would your dad let you borrow it?
It was hell just to get him to loan me his VW bus. Suppose you use a coathanger?
Ouch! No way!
Falling down stairs, maybe?
Shit no!
Rats! Better feed donkey the old "forgiveness and salvation" line...

 

by Zapp
1-15-02
God here again. You may have noticed that some of this author's comics are getting macabre, blasphemous, and/or offensive.
I just want to assure you all that he will be taken care of... permanently. His enternal punishment is spelled out somewhere in the Apocrypha. Or Revelations maybe.
But whatever. Reading is for pussies. Amen.

 

by Zapp
1-16-02
Look, don't kill the messenger, but you've got to stop those horrible jokes - they are a disgrace in the eyes of the LORD.
I want to hear what the big man has to say about that.
Very well - let's make it perfectly clear, shall we? I, God, Lord of Hosts, Creator and Ruler of heaven and earth, sung in eternal praise by seraphim...
SERAPHIM?! I BARELY EVEN KNOW HIM!!
(boob)

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