All comics by catmanjag

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by catmanjag
8-16-05
Howdy. Dubya here. As you can see I'm still on vacation. I know times are tough for the average American, what with the war and all...but
Um excuse me... is that your SUV parked on top of that scout troop back there?!!
um.......... yeah.
Well, I'm going to have to ticket you for parking outside of the designated parking area.
F***ing terrorist! they're everywhere!

 

by catmanjag
8-16-05
Dubya again. Just thought I'd pop into the church for a minute. You know... say my prayers and all that stuff.
I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I can not serve your religious needs. Afterall, you are a war-mongering merchant of gloom.
Well, who the hell made you a judge of my character?
Perhaps You should speak with my supervisor?!
George. We need to have a serious talk.

 

by catmanjag
8-16-05
Dubya here. I was wanting to take a moment to talk about... ?!?What in name of Newt Gingrige is going on here...?!?
I'm a Dubya from an alternate universe.
You have my attention...
In my plane of exsistance I am beloved around the globe and reknown as a great world leader.
So your universe is an evil anti-matter universe, right?
You bet your sweet bippy!

 

by catmanjag
8-16-05
Dubya here. I want to take a minute and talk a little about the ravages of prolonged war.
If you know the right people, there's a lot of money to be made in it.

 

by catmanjag
8-16-05
Dubya here. I am pleased to announce that families of our brave soldiers need not worry about their loved ones anymore.
Thanks to a recent breakthrough in the field of robotics, there will soon be a large number of sophisticated androids to replace all those enlisted in the armed forces.
Yes, it's my pleasure to announce this miraculous achievement.
Mom, can I have some rice-crispy squares before I go to bed?

 

by catmanjag
8-17-05
OOOOHHHH... DUBYA!
Well now, just who are you supposed to be? The ghost of Christmas past?
No, I am an incarnation of your moral conscious made manefest for the purpose of guiding you through your most difficult choices.
Impossible! My moral conscious and I parted ways years ago. It was a carefully calculated political choice.
Ha! you got me! ...and you guessed right. I'm really the ghost of christmas past.

 

by catmanjag
8-17-05
Dubya here. I just got one thing to say, and I'll say it loud. "I LOVE MY COUNTRY!".
Recently, there have been some that say I don't seem to grasp the problems and concerns of the ordinary man.
...that I run this country like I own it and have become possessive of the power invested in me and have lost touch with what is really important.
...to these people all I have to say is this: I love MY country!

 

by catmanjag
8-17-05
Buenas tardes presidente Bush.
Dubya here. I'd like to take a minute and talk a little bit about our neighbors to the south. Mexico is a growing nation.
Usted hizo un trabajo bueno, señor Dubya.
...and with deported american jobs crossing the border and continued growth they're a cinch to be bigger players in world politics.
su burito grande está listo.
Which is fine by me. I mean just think of the upswing in quality the average Mexican restaurant should see. MMMMMM

 

by catmanjag
8-18-05
You sure you won't change your mind?!Hollywood is calling George.
yeah...I'm sure.
Sorry we couldn't work something out. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to the set.
Man these Hollywood liberal- types are completely nuts.
I can't believe they would ask me to do a reality TV show. Man-sakes-alive. Don't they know by now that I don't live in reality!?!

 

by catmanjag
8-18-05
Man oh man. I bet you can't guess where I had the most delicious sandwich today!
Um... Oh gee, I love to try and guess things like this. OK, let me think here...
Heh heh, ut oh. GULP! errr...... All of the sudden, I'm not feeling so hot.....urp!....gasp....
Hey man, you look a little green around the gills. Are you gonna be alright?!
Oh My God! I'm gonna puke! I just hope I can make....BLLAAARRRGGG!
I'm thinkin' Arby's!!

 

by catmanjag
8-21-05
Hey watcha doin'
Oh, nothin'. Just throwing together some comic strips on stripcreator.com
Sounds exciting.
Oh, it can be a lot of fun. Heck sometimes I can't seem to pull myself away from the 'puter cuz I'm having so much damned fun.
I'm going to anally probe you now.
You'd better. Next time you don't need to make small talk sparky.

 

by catmanjag
8-21-05
Here's something that I bet you didn't know...
BBBRRRAAAAPPP
Snowmen fart.

 

by catmanjag
8-21-05
Kurt shares a moment with Frances before going on stage.
Frances Bean, your daddy wants you to know that there is nothing that can ever come between us. Not even all this fame.
...and so does Courtney.
Frances Bean, Mommy wants you to know that there is nothing that can ever come between me and fame. Not even Daddy.
bitch.

 

by catmanjag
8-25-05
You have a question, Marty?
Doc, why is it that you're always hanging around with a teenager like myself? I mean you're a gifted scientist. Shouldn't you be doing stuff with other scientists?
Well Marty, It's complicated...
Is it because you identify with my youthful zeal, and translate that into inspiration? Or, perhaps you see in me some untapped scientific potential that I'm not yet aware of?
Well, actually no. I'm just a lonely old fart who hopes to one day score with some of your drunken sloppy seconds...
...that was going to be my next guess.

 

by catmanjag
8-25-05
Jesus, there are people on earth who claim that the Republican party is the Christians' political party. Can this be true? I mean, WWJD?
A fair question my friend. First we must consider my Earthly life and the powers that helped shape it. I was born into a modest family and raised in an area equivilant to modern day "dog patch".
I was known to pay my taxes, and taught others to do so - without chiding the collectors. I encouraged peace instead of violence. I preached the virtue of the common mans rightful inheritance.
My reformist teachings were an afront to the establishment, and the very same went outside the law to have me eliminated. In the end I purposely died a penniless martyr.
So they're wrong, aren't they.
Hey, they're just Republicans, and I'm a forgiving fellow.

 

by catmanjag
8-25-05
Hey man, I've got to fess up. I'm the one that really sabotaged the ship's controls and stranded us here on this forsaken island, but it gets worse...
I'm speachless...
I'm also a raging homosexual canibal with eyes for you, and I intend to devour your corpse once I have grown tired of pleasuring myself with your orifices.
Well shut my mouth.
But there's also some good news. I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico...
fucking shill

 

by catmanjag
8-30-05
Why are people always avoiding me?
How should I know?! I'm just part of a biohazard team. They sent me here to investigate...
I suppose you'll want details, and all that jazz?
Well appearantly you're not in a helping kind of mood, but yeah, If you could fill me in it would make things a lot easier.
Pull my finger...
Fuck! They got me out of bed for this?

 

by catmanjag
8-30-05
I bet if I think hard enough I can control men with nothing but thought power. YOU WILL TURN AND LOOK INTO MY EYES! YOU WILL SAY "I LOVE YOU", FOR YOU ARE MY SLAVE!
He's turning around...
Crap!
NOW YOU ARE DISTRESSED HAVING FAILED TO CONTROL ME WITH YOUR MIND! YOU WILL NEXT TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND OFFER YOURSELF TO ME!

 

by catmanjag
8-30-05
I say there ol' fellow, did you hear the news?
Um... no. Whaz up?
Well appearantly a creature from the future has time traveled to our realm and is seeking to become our leader,...er something.
No joke? well that seems like a very unique thing to happen. So does this creature have a name?
I believe he goes by the nickname Dubya...
Heh, what a weird name. well, it all seems quite innocent to me, but then what the Hell do I know?

 

by catmanjag
8-31-05
At a Townhall meeting in Dino City
Not much meat on this scrawny creature.
...so as you can see it is in your best interest to vote for me. Now then, who has the next question?
Yes, you there , the reptile sporting a tie.
I was wondering why we should elect you as our leader instead of just eating you.
probably rife with grisilly bits as well.
Before I can adequately answer that question I must first ask, just how many of you have been listening to anything I have been saying?

 

by catmanjag
8-31-05
The end draws nearer
...so now that you've all been treated to a feast of homeless people from my time period, allow me to reiterate my two part plan.
I'm so full I could puke...then scarf it all down again...
My agenda of tarpit habitations will not only provide affordable housing for you, but may one day benifit future generations.
That's all fine and good, but I would like to know what the name of the operation means? what exactly is Haliburton's nestegg anyways?
That's a fine question to ask, and I'd be happy to answer if only I hadn't promised to wrap this meeting up if that paticular question was asked.
???!!!

 

by catmanjag
8-31-05
ignorance truly is bliss
...so are you down with this whole tarpit habbitation thing?
uh, I guess so.
That creature from the future doesn't seem to be very forthcoming with details about this whole business.
Yeah, I know. All it wishes to do is pressure others into making tainted choices. I don't think the welfare of the species even enters into it.
Yep, it looks like we'll have to abandon our work on hydrogen powered vehicles and cheap renewable energy for the moment.
I'm sure it will only be a brief recess before the world can finally be free of it's seemingly endless need for a reliable consequence-free power source.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
...and then I passed back through the portal and secured the entrance. I have made this monumental trip through time and space for my fellow americans.
Sam Donaldson here, Mr. President. While we are anxious to hear about your trip, I believe the viewers are more concerned about the visitors that came through the portal just before your return?
Look behind you, you flippin' tard!
I think you have some explaining to do leader...
What kind of wine does one serve with scrawny creature?
well I'll be a son of a bitch!

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
OK, you have made your way to the final round Amy. Here is the final question: "Weebles wabble, but they never...what is it that weebles never do"?
Um, gee....I believe the answer is: "they never fall down."
That is the correct answer. let's find out just what it is that you have won...Hugh? What has this young lady won?
??????????????
It's an industrial tanker of crude oil! Yes, one ginormous seafaring tanker full of precious crude!
Oh yeah! that's the big one...
Whew! I thought it was going to be something worthless like money or something.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
OK Peanut. You,ve made it this far. Here's the final question: "When in Rome, do..."?What is it you should do when in Rome?
Um, I believe the answer is : "as the Romans do".
That's the correct answer. Let's find out just what it is that you have won. Kal Dar...? what has this charming primate won?
?????????????
It's an astro unit filled with breathable air! Yes, enjoy hours of spacesuit-free respiration!
Oh yeah! That's the big one. Congratulations!
Whew! I thought it was going to be something useless like petrolium or something.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
OK Blrg The Magnificent, here's your final question: "In the begining God was..."? Alright now, what was it that God was?
Um, I believe the answer is: "was the word, and the word was God."
That's the correct answer. Now let's find out just what it is that you have won. Muk-muk...? What has this fiercely fantastic carnivore won?
??????????
It's a lush tract of primordial jungle! Yes, a private little culdisac where you may hunt and kill whatever your heart desires!
Oh yeah! That's the big one....
Whew! I thought it was going to be something useless, like natural genetic mutation or something.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
Professor, is it possible that intellegent life exsist somewhere outside of our solar system, and could be visiting us?
Well son, there are many, many reasons to be sceptical. I mean, first of all it is likely that there may not be anyone in our Galaxy comparable in terms of advancement. despite popular belief.
There may not have been enough time. Being such you must assume that any such visitors must come from a neighboring Galaxy, and the difference between Galaxies is beyond unfathomable.
When you consider the astronomical factors, it is more a journey of time rather than space. In fact the likely distance is so great, that to traverse the difference one would have to travel...
...at the speed of Santa Claus?
Well, I was going to use some googly scientific measurement, but that works just as well, I think.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
Damn liberals! I could never be a liberal. they are the ones trying to take open prayer out of public schools.
Um, open prayer was taken out of public schools during the Reagan administration.
Ah yes, Reagan. He was a damned fine leader. He was a peace lovin' comunicator.
Wasn't it his administration that first empowered Middle east fundamentalist? I mean without him, Osama Bin Laden wouldn't have even had a place to start.
Osama Bin who?! Hmmm, doesn't ring a bell....
Do you even know what year it is, numbnuts?

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
I was not impressed with the prosperity of the Clinton administration. It only appeared to be his hard work, but in reality it was spillover from the Reagan years.
Wow, spillover, huh?! Hey, wasn't George Bush Sr. president after Reagan? Where was the spillover then?
Well sometimes it skips a generation...
Um, I think you are confusing genetics with politics.
Boy o boy, you sure are anti-american.
Sorry, I'll try to be dumber in the future, in an effort to better show patriotism.

 

by catmanjag
9-01-05
I wonder if anyone has taken an interest in my personal?
Your internet personal ad has generated 1,459,233 inquires.
Hmm, I'd better whittle it down to those who are serious about my specifications.
14 responces agree that lubing up very small midgets and inserting them into the rectum is, in principle, a disgusting sex act.
You wanted to tell me something...?
Yes. I may be leaving you.

 

by catmanjag
9-02-05
On the way to work
Hey there Mr. um...*reads nametag* Kevin? Can I interest you in buying some of these comic books I made with my new crayola set?
Man, you shouldn't be out here in the street selling your kiddy wares, you clueless shill. It's sad and pathetic.
Well, what would you suggest I do instead?
Uh, I don't know. Damn man. Why don't you get yourself hooked up with a computer or something, and get down to some serious business.
Later
Hey there Mr. um...*reads tower* Gateway? Man oh man, have I got a great deal for you. I'm liquidating my stock and my prices are insane...
beep

 

by catmanjag
9-02-05
ding dong
Who is it?
It's the pizza delivery man. I've got an order here.
Mmmm, this is great. How much do I owe you? I think they said on the phone it was $11.80?
The final total, with mandatory tip, is $24.00.
Holy Hell! I guess with fuel prices skyrocketing I'm going to have to start picking up my own pizzas.
No. Actually, with fuel skyrocketing, you'll need the necessary fuel rations to be able to afford picking up your own pizzas. Thank you.

 

by catmanjag
9-02-05
We're almost out of fuel. we'd better land on that primitive planet back there and get some.
Oh boy. I hate going to these backward little planets. I'll put us down in the parking lot of a gas station.
OK. Here's the key. Just get that thing out of my face.
Holy shitbricks! These idiots are asking an arm and a leg for regular gasoline.
Good thing I converted the ship so it runs on a universal energy source that is much, much more powerful - and abundant.
This certainly sheds some light on all the probin'.

 

by catmanjag
9-14-05
Dark Elf of the neither world. I have a problem with popularity again my evil lord.
He who is designated "Bush". Have I not helped you steal an election? Initiate and maintain a bloody quagmire? Escape fiscal accountability despite economic stalemate?
Um yeah. but you see there was this deadly hurricane, and vast numbers of people have suffered. It's a huge flippin' mess and there are many in my own party who are angry with my reaction.
Hmmm. I have never been confonted with horrors of this magnitude. How can you be blamed for something of this nature?
Well I did under- fund Fema, to finance my war efforts. Also there was this surplus that would have been useful. I quandered it in a rebate to win people over through monetary means. Also I ....
I tell you what, he who is designated "Bush". I am going to let you handle this one on your own. I need to call my mother. She lived in New Orleans.

 

by catmanjag
9-16-05
OK Mohammed, you're ready to take this message of peace for jews, arabs, persians, and all others out of the cave and into the real world.
Yes angel of the lord, I understand. You have consulted me well in this spiritual journey of discovery.
Listen my people, to this message I have been entrusted with. It is from the most high. We must bring to an end all this ...
Um excuse my intrusion prophet, but while you were away a peaceful jewish sect with ample wealth pitched tents near here.
One bloody-battle-filled week later
Hmmm, now what wisdom was I going to impart? The need to bring an end to peace between jews, arabs, persians...?
These guys look like my jewish sheppard but smell like camels.

 

by catmanjag
9-16-05
OK now take off your clothes and spin slowly in front of the webcam.
Well, I've never done this kind of thing before, but alrighty.
OK now dance for me. I want to see you jiggle.
This feels so sleazy, but you seem like such a nice intelligent fellow. So I guess it's OK.
White human women are so easy.
Am I doing this right?

 

by catmanjag
9-16-05
The really big questions of science are closer to being answered than ever before. now that we are begining to understand some of the delicate nuances of the invisible universe...
You're, of course, refering to "string theory".
Well, no. Not neccesarily. I was actually more pointing in the direction of pseudo-sciences. Like self-actualism, or Anthroposophy.
Hmmmm, I find this surprising, coming from a well read scientist such as yourself. I suppose you are just needing to find a more all encompassing solution that can ease doubt?
No I just tend to fall in love with the ability to gas on and on about matters not even remotely provable, yet so abstract as to be beyond sound debate.
Erm...allow me to reiterate. You're , of course, refering to "string theory".

 

by catmanjag
10-05-05
I think some people misunderstand my doubts about religion. It's just that, like Einstien and Sagan, I profess "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence".
That's circumstantially odd considering that Einstein's Theories are not entirely proven factual. In fact, there is a growing body of evidence that suggest otherwise.
Still the statement rings wise and true. Without evidence, there is no basis to believe any work of conjecture.
Actually, I would counter that evidence is purely subject to perception. If I show evidence contrary to accepted factual findings, I am in contention till I am found correct.
Hmmm, I think I am starting to see that you have a point. But, of course, I will have to suspend judgement till I have had time to test this idea and submit it to brisk scrutinization.
Perhaps the statement should be "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary scientific appeal in order to gain immediate acceptance"?

 

by catmanjag
10-05-05
We're so glad you could attend our little youth rally tonight Mr. .......
The Name is Scab, and I'm only here to pick up on girls.
Well, Scab there are many fine young ladies here to share some lighthearted conversation with.
Oh, I'm not really interested in anything they would have to say. I just want to seduce them with my sick suggestions. Maybe find some freaks in the making?
Well in that case, let me drop the whole pretence and what would you say to us working together?
Heh, that's cool. I can play you off as the sick old man I'll help them escape from, and you can do the whole punk kid viceversa thing.

 

by catmanjag
10-05-05
Now you do know what this is all about, don't you?!You where speeding?!
Um, no I wasn't.
Erm, you where driving recklessly?!
...as skilled as a driving instructor.
Heh heh, cough, cough! You um, wouldn't by chance have any extra pizzas?
...you really could do without any pizza fatty.

 

by catmanjag
10-09-05
I have a pizza delivery for a Mr. Moldy. Would that be you sir?
Hold the phone. Aren't you just a little late?
Maybe a little. I mean there was all this traffic and the roads are like all confusing and stuff...
Just a little late?!?! I ordered these flippin' pies three days ago you pile of snot!
Hey man, I can't help it. I used to work for Fema...
Well Fuck me...

 

by catmanjag
10-10-05
So did you find that address?
Well, uh, no.
Well you need to. If those pizzas don't get there in time it's gonna have to be free.
Look, I want to deliver the stuff, but I'm pretty sure it's a bogus order.
I don't follow. what makes you so sure it's not legit?!
Well, for starters, I'm pretty sure I can't deliver to "up your ass, and around the corner".

 

by catmanjag
10-10-05
Man, I tell you, sometimes I think about the future of the delivery business.
Oh really? What kind of things do you think the future has in store for us?
You know. Wormholes, and all that kooky science fiction stuff. It'll be like, "your pizza in thirty microseconds or it's free".
Well, I suppose with all the leg work taken out of the picture, our company will no longer need drivers who stand around all day thinking about the future.
Yep. Most likely. But the best part about the future is that we have a long way to go before we're there.
Hmm, by the way I've got some bad news about that raise you've been asking for.

 

by catmanjag
10-10-05
Hello, I have a pizza delivery for a Mr. Christ.
That would be my lunch. I'm afraid I can't pay you with money as such. I revile materialism, and have no need of monetary attatchments.
Heh, OK. Then how do you propose to take care of the bill?
I will bless you and your house. May your endeavors be fruitful.
That's fine, I guess, but can you bless my car while your at it. It runs poorly without gas.

 

by catmanjag
10-11-05
You know, I never thought I would end up being a delivery driver when I was just a boy.
Really? I suppose you saw yourself doing something more noble, like being a doctor or a fireman...?
No. Actually I had very low expectations.
??? How low are we talking here...?
Well believe it or not. I always believed I would one day be the commissioner of major league baseball.
You pragmatic bastard. I had no idea this was such a dignified non-stop thrill ride for you.

 

by catmanjag
10-11-05
I've been meaning to talk to you about your uniform upkeep.
What about it?
Well, for instance, you never wear your name badge.
That's because I don't want people to respond to me by my name.
Now why in the world would that be any kind of problem when delivering door to door?
I'll answer that question with one of my own. You've never eaten our pizza have you?

 

by catmanjag
10-21-05
It is here in the strata layers that scientist find the fossils that shape our view of the prehistoric world. Ebedded in supposed eons old sedimentary deposits.
Despite detractions based on the falicy of estimation over hard carbon dating. Scientist assert their steadfast view of distant and universal extinction. Due in no doubt...
Damn! I was hoping that chap might have a spot of sweet n' low for my morning tea.

 

by catmanjag
10-24-05
They teach us about dinosaurs in school. I was taught that they were terrible creatures. Incredibly savage beasts that can devour enormace amounts of food.
...but to be honest, I don't think they were all that. I mean, c'mon. If there were any dinosaurs alive today I would bitch slap those lumpy lizzards. Really, I would...
Aw nuts! I wish the little ones wouldn't run away. I wonder what they're afraid of?

 

by catmanjag
10-29-05
Halloween night in the stix
I wonder if this creature has some sweet n' low for my tea?
Trick or treater huh?
Excuse me??
Heh heh, that's a pretty darn good costume. Very realistic. I suppose you'll be wanting something good to eat? What would you like?
Well, as long as your offering. That child would be a very kind gesture on your part...
Heh, you're really into the role, aren't you?

 

by catmanjag
10-29-05
I saw an article in the paper today about space travel advancements. It said scientist are more optimistic about interstellar prospects than ever before.
Really?
Yeah, it got me thinking that maybe sometime in the future guys like you might deliver to other planets as opposed to just other neighborhoods.
That would be just dandy.
Then I could travel to bold new destinations, only to be stiffed by the same ole' type of cheapskates.

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