All comics by daft_paragon

 

the forum junkie by daft_paragon 6-19-12
back stage... mister smith - it's great to meet you. you were great tonight! Amazing playing, amazing tone! You look wonderful! It's an honor to be here, thank you thank you thank you... oh you're welcome, anything for the fans, I love hearing from you folks.	Later, on ToneWerxForum.net Saw the Cure tonight, AKA the Robert Smith sweatpants experiment. I don't know what was worse, his sloppy playing, his screeching tone, or his huge ass.	At the Smith house... [Google Alert: "The Cure"] Huge ass, eh? Where's my Xanax?

 

Tuesday at Guitar Center by daft_paragon 6-20-12
Mickie is excited about the strat, but more excited about the hot sales lady Judy What makes this Tex-Mex Strat cost so much money? Well, it's made of nothing but the purest of tone woods and has specially calibrated single style pickups for that amazing Jimmie Vaughan tone.	excitement builds, until... What makes it better than this Mexican Standard Strat? The Mexican strat is more of a rhythm guitar and the Tex-Mex is a lead guitar.	heartbreak You really know your stuff, want to start a band together? I don't play an instrument, when I'm not here I am a phlebotomist.

 

How indie bands are formed... by daft_paragon 6-21-12
thanks for calling Pitchfork Commerce, how can we help you today? yeah man, I need a band... can you get me one of item 478...	The chunky Asian girl synth player? Yeah, that's the ticket, and item 682, skinny male guitarist with hair over eyes. And I need a bass player, what can you get me that comes with a Fender Jazz Bass and uses a pick?	Male or female? Keep it ambiguous.

 

Tuesdays at Guitar Center - the accessory department by daft_paragon 6-29-12
Dirk just needs to grab some picks during his lunch break Excuse me, could you please get me a pack of those one point five milimeter Jazz three's up there? Sorry bro - sax reeds are in our brass department	The accessory department once again proves frustrating no, they are guitar picks... dunlop Jazz three... you've got like forty packs of them back there. Never heard of them bro, you sure you don't want one of these instead? It shreds like crazy!	Next time, Dirk will just go on Amazon... You're playing a Jazz three right now! And you're not shredding, you're playing a Chevelle song! No way man, this ain't no jazz pick, it's pure rock!

 

Tuesdays at Guitar Center: The Interview by daft_paragon 7-10-12
Alright Darren, so your resume says you're a high school graduate, have waited tables at Pizza Cave the past two summers and your favorite band is Lady Antebellum - do you play any instruments? Uh, no sir, I tried to play trumpet in third grade, but my doctor said I had a low output saliva gland.	That's pretty concerning, this is Guitar Center afterall. Do you have any sales experience? Well, I was number one in our conference for the baseball team booster sale.	Very interesting, so when can you start? I think you'll be a perfect fit for our percussion department. Oh wow, I didn't know you guys treated head injuries.

 

Tuesdays at Guitar Center: Creative intonation solutions by daft_paragon 7-16-12
Hey man, what can I do you for today? I've got this Les Paul, and the open strings are in tune, but when I play chords, they are all out of tune. Can you help?	Oh bummer man, maybe you need this new book we have, "Al DiMeola's Ultimate Chord Companion Vol 1" No, I know how to play an open D, but it's all out of tune.	We've got a sale on string winders. Thanks...

 

Tuesdays at Guitar Center: Should've gotten the PPP by daft_paragon 7-31-12
Hey I just bought this drum machine an hour ago and when I got home, it wouldn't work. I think it's just DOA. So, what did you do to break it?	Nothing, I just took it out of the box, I've had it for 30 minutes. Did you buy our Platinum Protection Plan?	No, but it's less than a day old, there has to be a warranty or return policy or something, right? Sorry brah, you should've gotten the Protection Plan, we would've happily taken this back and mailed you a gift card within 45-60 days.

 

GLC on the prowl by daft_paragon 6-17-14
I unbuttoned my shirt an extra button today. the bitches in sales won't be able to resist.	these hoes gonna get LaCourt-ified	now where is my green Ralph marlin tie? gonna make em drool...

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